When the future just clicks  SINGLE CHAPTERS
by darksarcasm83
Summary: After many of you requested I post this story in single chapters for better reading, here it is.       This is what should have happened after the announcement of the engagement, or what could have happened had the screen not turned black all of a sudden.
1. Chapter 1

**When the future just clicks…**

Disclaimer: JAG and all its characters are the property of Paramount Pictures, Viacom, CBS, Belisarius Productions, and Donald P. Bellisario. My story wasn't written in the intention to violate any copyrights and it was certainly not written for profit in any way, shape or form. This is nothing but a respectful tribute to the show, its characters and its actors.

Summary: This is what should have happened after the announcement of the engagement, or what could have happened had the screen not turned black all of a sudden. I'm sure its just one version of many, but this is my version.

PS: This story is written in the POV of various people and it's up to you to find out who is thinking what and when. I do think it will be obvious whose mind is speaking.

PS II: All the places in the story do exist in reality except the "Dino's Trinacria". The hotels, houses, pubs, stores and restaurants can be found on the internet. My intention was not to create free advertisement for them and neither did I mean disrespect. I'm simply bad at inventing places and names like that, so I researched them on the net. The houses for the Rabbs and the Roberts were on sale during 2010 so the date is not exactly accurate according to the story, but I consider that artists freedom.

PSIII: This is my first story, so please leave me a message under . I'd be very happy to read your thoughts on the story =)

Special thanks go to: Andrea, Birgit and Haytham because they were unbelievably patient and had to endure my ramblings and weird ideas about this story for almost a year.

To Andrea for reading the first parts of this story and making suggestions during the whole process.

To Haytham for encouraging me to finish the story even though at times I believed it would never end.

But now… enjoy!

Chapter 1

**Harms A****partment**

**North of Union Station**

**1905 local**

Getting out of the shower I towel my hair dry and walk over to my dresser, tossing the wet towel on the floor as I walk past my bed. Opening the dresser, I scan the contents for a moment, before my hand settles on the hanger that holds my summer mess dress. Taking it out, I hang it on the outer door of the dresser.

Putting on my trousers and the white starched shirt, I savor the feeling of getting into my uniform. I don't get to wear the mess dress often, but I like it. And I know she does, too. The mess dress is the navy's special uniform for black-tie occasions such as the NATO-ball or some other function where service dress whites are just not appropriate.

Mess dress comes in many uniform parts, such as the golden cummerbund, the shirt that is held together by studs instead of buttons up front and with cufflinks at the sleeves. Other than any of my other uniforms, it goes with a black bow tie. I actually don't like that part as it is one hell of a mess to get it right so it won't look off to one side or another, but it just is the way it is.

Leaving the white waist-length jacket on the hanger for a moment longer, I make the two steps over to my other dresser and take out the small black box that contains my miniature medal set. Opening it, I stare at the tiny medals on their colorful ribbons. They have been received in over twenty years of service to my country and I'm proud of every one of them. Most of them I got during the last nine years; the time between the beginning of my life and now. I smile as I touch the two Distinguished-flying crosses, remembering the day the president of the United States himself pinned the first one to my chest, and also remembering what else happened that day.

Pulling them out, I apply them to the collar of my mess dress, along with the miniature gold wings that I put directly above them. Reaching on my bed I pick up another black box, opening it slowly. I always knew this day might come sooner or later, but when General Cresswell dropped that bombshell two days ago, it felt like a blow to my gut, like all the air had left my lungs and the reason for that had been anything but pleasant.

Shaking myself out of it, I take my new shoulder boards and apply them to the shoulders of my white jacket, only allowing myself to trace them lightly, remembering my old man. If he would have lived to see me making Captain, I'm sure he would have burst with pride. I have outranked him for over ten years now, seeing as he went MIA when he was just a Lieutenant. But this is different. I'm no longer under the direct command of my superior officer. The four stripes on my insignia show, that I have my own command now, or rather, that I am about to get it.

As I put on the jacket I look at myself in the floor-length mirror and let myself marvel for a second longer. I'm not arrogant enough to think that I look breathtaking or anything. But tonight might be the last time I ever wear this uniform, and I want to savor the moment before I head out.

Thinking about what happened earlier brings a grin to my face and I find myself in a calmness that I haven't felt in a very long time. I realize, that the thought of maybe wearing a navy uniform for the last time, doesn't evoke the sadness that I once thought it would, and I can't bring myself to be bothered about it.

Sure, I would love to go to London. I am confident enough to know I'm a good officer and I worked hard to achieve what I have. But at the same time, it's so unimportant next to other things in my life. I love the Navy, but if tonight puts an end to my being an officer, I am more than happy to walk away from it, knowing the thing I'm choosing over this is worth so much more.

When she came over earlier to talk about "us", I was almost paralyzed when I saw her standing in my open apartment door, while I carried around packed boxes. She only wore a comfortable shirt, her hair pulled down so it cascaded around her face. But to me she was the most beautiful thing. I guess I'm getting old and sentimental or something.

And then it suddenly happened. As if of its own, the conversation went from almost teasing to dead serious. We both knew what our orders meant the moment we received them from the General's hands. Almost 6000 miles between London and San Diego, the very likely end to everything between us, probably even our friendship.

We had been dancing around this conversation for three days, and with barely over 12 hours left before we would be parted forever, she found the courage to open her mouth in a way I hadn't when I drove over to her place the other night. She broached the topic of our relationship without much pre-talk. Once again. I remember her doing this a couple years ago, before everything became so complicated, on a beautiful night in Sydney harbor.

Maybe I surprised her tonight when I didn't back off the conversation, the way I had back then. In fact, I plunged right ahead without even thinking about it.

"_Mac, I don't think that I'll ever feel about anyone else the way that I feel about you!"_

She didn't need a translator for that, I know. Yet, she made a comment of me not telling that to my future wife, whoever that may be. But I saw it in her eyes. She knew exactly that there would never be any such thing as another wife. Not for me.

There was one question that had been on my mind for a long time. Over the years I have watched her with lots of guys…. Dalton Lowne, Mic Brumby and until a couple months ago, Clayton Webb. Though I will never really get the last one, I always wondered what she saw in them. Sure, Lowne was rich, but Sarah MacKenzie wasn't in it for the money. If she had been, she wouldn't have come back to JAG when she could have earned a shitload of money in that private firm of his.

Brumby was another matter altogether. That man made me almost puke with the way he went after her. I never quite got rid of the feeling that she only allowed him to court her in the obvious manner he did, because she wanted to get back at me for something. But then again, she had agreed to get married to him and the ring on her finger had honestly killed all my ambitions to be with her one day. It had hurt a lot, when she turned up at the airport in Sydney wearing his ring, especially after the conversation we had shared on that damned ferry only two days prior.

"_Let me ask you a personal question. Of all the men in your life… what was it about them that attracted you?"_

For a second she stared down at her hand and then right at me. "Well, they wanted me and they let me know it!"

I almost snorted at that. Why did she think I went after her to Paraguay to safe her Marine green butt, along with Webb's? But this was not the time for that kind of conversation. Sitting down on the other barstool next to her I looked at her intently. "I wanted you! You knew that." I surprised myself with an even, calm voice. It betrayed how nervous I was getting.

For a moment she let my comment hang in the air between us, looking at me closely. And then she gave me an answer that sounded like a sorry excuse and from what I saw in her eyes, it not only sounded like that to me. She brought up other women, when she knew I hadn't been with anyone since Renee, which has been a VERY long time for me. She brought up the search for my father which I concluded over five years ago, when I learned that he really was no longer alive.

And she mentioned work. Well, I'll give her a point for that one, because it really would have created some sort of havoc with us both in the same chain of command. But she and I both knew there were ways around that.

I took her hand, clearly showing her what I was about to do. "Mac, we have twelve hours." It was my way to show her, that there was still time for this, for us. She looked at me with an expression that you give a child when trying to talk them out of something. "We've had nine years."

I think she meant it as a way of goodbye. Her way of telling me, that if we haven't got it together after so many years, we will never be able to. After all, she had officially come over so we could say our goodbyes, only the conversation had started a life of its own somehow, putting us right in the middle of all the things we had avoided saying to each other, thank you very much. I looked her right in the eyes, her beautiful brown eyes that I could get lost in anytime. "Maybe I just needed a deadline!"

She seemed startled for a bit, but covered it within a half second. "Well, you got one, sailor!" I'm not sure I could have said anything else at this point, because my mind was reeling, my heart was beating on at least mach 5 and the only thing I heard was the blood in my ears, suddenly very, very loud.

I drew her closer, not being able to help myself. I was mesmerized by her lips, her eyes, and her perfume. I love her scent. It's not as importunate as the one many other women I've been with used. Sarah MacKenzie has a scent all of her own, and it has played havoc with my senses for years.

And then I felt it. Her soft lips on mine, first in a soft caress, and then fierce and hungry all of a sudden. I couldn't help myself anymore than she could. I can still feel her lips on mine, even after taking a shower earlier. I can feel her hand on my neck, trying to draw me even closer.

In that moment, it felt like a spring had been loosened and I was lost. Lost in her embrace, lost in her scent, lost in the feeling of her in my arms and her lips on mine, just as desperate for touch and feeling as mine.

And then I did something that came out of nowhere, because I definitely know I didn't make the decision consciously. After all this time of playing hide and seek, of actually picturing myself doing this and then taking the cowards way out … I simply babbled out what I had always intended to be a romantic experience before. I proposed.

And I didn't propose to get to my bed as fast as our feet could carry us there, or the couch or whatever. I asked her to marry me. And only after I had uttered those words was I sure that I really meant them. At that moment I knew that every letter of these words was true to the core. I wanted and still want her to be my wife, the woman I come home to every night, from wherever it will be that I work in the future. And all of a sudden, my babbled words made all the sense in the world, no matter how unconsciously I had uttered them.

Checking my watch, I realize its time to leave. For once in my life I want to be on time. Straightening out my cummerbund, I grab my keys and head out the door toward what I hope will be my future.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Mac's apartment**

**Georgetown, Washington**

**1910 local**

I race through my apartment, nervous as hell. Marines are supposed to hold the all time record for short showers, but I'm running late already and I haven't got the slightest clue as to what I'm going to wear tonight. And being a world-champion at showering isn't going to help any if I can't figure out what to put on.

Running toward my wardrobe I scan the few items still in there, after all, I live in a practically all-packed-up place at the moment. My eyes fall to a dark blue silky dress and I remember the last time I wore it. It must have been years. Back when that ambassador thought he could fool all of Washington by playacting a hostage situation at the embassy ball. It's a beautiful dress. But well, maybe it is just a bit too presumptuous. A definite 'no-go' for today.

I take out a short black one that I just know hugs me very tight, but I once put it on when Webb had me over for dinner. I wanted to make him speechless then, and I have to admit to myself I was out for the sex back then… no, another 'no-go' for tonight. Webb is the least thing I want to think about tonight… or any other night, come to think of it.

But well… that means I'm in deep trouble. Everything else in my dresser is part of my summer uniform and I really don't want to wear that tonight either. I had thought about it for a short moment earlier but decided against it. Though, I can't help touching the fabric anyway. I've been wearing it for so long and proudly so. After tonight I might not wear it any longer.

I sigh. When I went to Harm's earlier, I had an agenda. I wanted to say goodbye to him. And at the same time I wanted to clear the air between us. I didn't want to leave everything behind in a mess, because I know that is what our relationship has become over the last couple months, though we have made some sort of progress toward each other again, especially after all that shit going on with Webb.

It both saddens and brightens me that I no longer think of him as Clay. Maybe I never really did. But ever since that Manderle fiasco, he has been "Webb" in my thoughts. Clay had been my lover and most of all a trusted friend over the years. Webb has always been the guy that used me or Harm or any other friend of mine to serve his ends. But the friend died when I realized he had willingly put me into danger just so he could finish a job and that only left Webb, whom I didn't want to have anything to do with any longer.

When Harm told me earlier, that he would never feel about anyone the way he felt about me, my heart both made a leap and stopped beating at the same time. I swear it did, if only for a moment, before it started thrumming in my chest at an unbelievable speed.

When he asked me what had attracted me to the men I used to be with, I tried to backpaddle, sensing what would come.

"_Well, they wanted me and they let me know it!"_

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew what he thought. He had given up everything to come after me in Paraguay, somehow knowing that Webb's mission had once again gone south and well aware of the fact that the CIA had no intention whatsoever, to send help after us. The life of a human being is expendable to the CIA. That's the way it is in the spook business. And Harm knew that.

Harm was all serious. For some reason, he must have felt the impending end of 'us' as much as I had when I decided to drive over to his place. And, looking into his eyes, I saw, that he wasn't going to back off. Not this time. And for some odd reason, I didn't expect him to either. Harm was always there when it really counted.

When he made that statement of me knowing all along that he had been waiting for me, I tried to back off of this a final time. The answer I gave him sounded weak and lame, even to my own ears. Sure, with Harm you sometimes have to have mind-reading qualities. But then again, looking back at everything, he has always expressed his feelings by action, rather than words. If it wasn't so serious, one could even laugh at that. After all, he gets paid by the government for being good with words, and he actually is damn good with them in the courtroom.

But he was right. I had known he wanted me. And thinking about it, I knew it since he had come after me while I was out on the _'Guadalcanal', _hiding from the world.

And then he looked at me. Really looked. Right into my eyes. He took my hand and he said all the things I ever wanted him to. And then his lips were on mine, gently at first, before our kiss became all consuming and all thought left my brain when he pulled me towards his chest, so the fire could consume us once and for all.

Being in his arms felt wonderful. Touching my index finger to my lips, I can still feel him there, probing gently, asking for the permission that I only gave all too willingly. I felt like drowning in the ocean and the only thing holding me above the water was the sailor in front of me, his arms wrapped tightly around me, pulling me closer, holding onto me, as if his very life depended on it.

"_What are you proposing? And this is not a Freudian slip!"_

I was breathless by that time, my mind reeling, my heart beating a mile a second and Harm gave a simple answer. "I am proposing. Let's get married!" He didn't let me answer, because as soon as he had asked for my hand, his lips were sealed over mine once again. Maybe he feared I would say no, and maybe he already knew the answer I would give. I always knew, that if he asked me to be with him that way, I would say yes, the consequences be damned. A tiny part of me had hoped he would ask before I got married to Mic, but he never did. Not with words. The kiss we had shared on the Admiral's porch on my engagement party was more than a question. If only I could have seen that back then.

We got into trouble, when we realized what a marriage between us would mean. I was sure of what I wanted, and what I wanted most was the man in front of me, with his sticky old-fashioned Hawaii shirt. Yet, a tiny part of my brain told me, that I am a Marine, and that I had just gotten orders to report to San Diego where I was to get my own command. And that he had just made Captain, with his own orders to London.

Our careers have always been the pink elephant in the room that we tried to avoid for so long… more or less successfully.

"_If we get married, one of us will have to give up their navy-careers!"_

It wasn't a question. It was a simple matter of fact. A marriage between us would work just as well as anything else would with not only a country but a whole ocean between us. It was ridiculous to even think about it.

Harm made a half-hearted joke, saying we could always wait until he retires… yeah right. There was no way I was going to add another decade to the one we have already wasted and I told him so.

"I love you Mac. But I don't want to give up my Navy-career and you don't wanna give up the Marine Corps." Yup, we were running in circles and stating the obvious wasn't going to get us anywhere.

Then he startled me. "Do you believe in fate?" At that he looked at me with his adorable blue green eyes that had mesmerized me so often in the past. I frowned for a moment. "Well, it put us together… sort of!" At that he simply smiled, kissed me once again and replied that fate would be what could keep us together forever. And the strange thing was that I knew exactly what he was saying, confusing as it might have been to anybody else watching us.

I check my alarm clock on the nightstand. My internal clock has been all haywire ever since his hands were all over me earlier. Wonderful… I've been standing here dreaming about earlier and I'm still no closer to figuring out what I want to put on. I could always go naked of course, but I honestly don't think the General or anybody but Harm would find that very clever.

Frustrated I rush to my bedroom door, intent on throwing it closed, because my lack of wear means I'm going to unpack one of the boxes again, just to find something to wear.

Just then, I see it. It hangs on the back of my bedroom door and I had completely forgotten about it, since I usually don't close my bedroom door when I go to sleep. There is no point in that when you live alone after all.

Smiling to myself, I take the red gown off its hanger and carry it over to the bed. This is perfect. I know it looks good on me. Harriet and I were out a few weeks ago when she had found someone to take a look at the kids, which is rare these days. It goes down to just above my knees, and the v-neck doesn't go too deep. It's a sexy dress, yet not too obvious and not too boring. Just right for tonight.

After straightening my hair again, I take a final look into my bathroom mirror. I smile at what I see. For the first time in months, I can look at myself without any regrets.

Taking my purse and the keys to my rental car, I head out the door toward my future.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**1955 local**

I sigh as I enter McMurphy's. It will be the last time for a long time to come, if I ever come here again. The way things change these days, who knows. Walking to the bar, I recognize Joana behind it. She's been serving here for as long as I can remember, has seen both our victories and our defeats, our celebrations and often enough lent an open ear for when we just wanted to get wasted after a hard day.

She smiles at me, her cute little smile that would have gotten me interested in a woman a couple years ago. Asking me what she could get me, I tell her I want a beer. And boy do I need one tonight. Driving over here has made me even more nervous than I already was, and somehow I have the feeling that my heart will jump out of my chest any minute or maybe I'm just heading for a heart attack or something.

Preparing my drink, she looks at me with a smile that tells me, she knows that something is going on. "What put that smile on your face?" Joana always senses when something is going on around here. Looking at the beer tap I give her a slight smile in return, not caring that I'm that obvious but its not like I was going to play poker tonight anyway. I must have worn a pretty silly grin ever since Mac agreed to let fate decide about our future. "Well, I just got engaged..." frowning for a second, I add "…at least I think I did."

She looks at me in disbelieve and I can't blame her. I must sound confusing. But then again, who wouldn't in my situation. I can barely keep the urge to pace around in check, but who can blame me for my mind is doing twelve G's on Mach 10. Finally passing me my beer, so I can hold onto something, she asks me, if I don't think that I ought to find out about that.

I give her another smile and tell her, that's exactly why I am here. Her face tells me, she thinks I've turned into a nutcase for good. And the funny thing is I don't give a flying flip for that.

Because In that moment I feel her presence and turning around on my barstool I'm not disappointed. I always know when she is around. Maybe that is the special bond we have and always had. The bond that told me she was in great danger in Paraguay and the same bond that told her where I could be found in a storm tossed ocean in the middle of the night.

She enters the bar, and suddenly, all my nervousness increases tenfold while I calm down at the same time. She looks unbelievable in that red dress. I've never seen her wear it before, so I figure it must be one of her newer purchases. My eyes on hers, she walks over to me and steps up to me to give me a slight kiss on the lips. If we weren't in the middle of a bar… god help me.

Her perfume isn't exactly helping matters either. Her smell is suddenly all around me, wrapping me up in Sarah MacKenzie. Not that this is a place where I don't want to be, but considering I was already going crazy before she was here… She gets to me in a way that nobody ever has before. And I clamp down on what she does to me before I can embarrass myself. It's not like I'm wearing something that would cover THAT up.

I don't dare to do more than return the slight kiss and holding her for a millisecond before releasing her, not trusting myself, not even in this environment. "Hey!" she gives me a small smile and I can barely breathe.

Mac slides on the barstool next to me and Joana takes her order for a soda. While Joana prepares Mac's drink, she keeps looking over at us. My supposed-to-be-fiancée has carefully moved the barstool a couple inches away from mine. Something tells me, that she doesn't quite trust herself either. Joana is her usual self, asking questions. "Figures a guy like him would meet the girl like you."

Ok, this time it's not a question but a comment that has not much to do with feeling but rather with looks, I guess. What should I do? I know I don't look like a potato bag, but it's nothing I fuss over… well I haven't in a long time, anyway. And Mac is the most beautiful woman I know. Ok, I admit, I'm probably not the most objective person on that matter, but she is breathtakingly gorgeous and no sane man would have any doubt about that.

Mac and I both chuckle at Joana's words, recognizing them for what they are. "We're still working on that." Says Mac with a slight smile toward the bartender. Then I can see it dawn on her. "Ohhh, that makes you the almost fiancée!" Mac nods, trying to be sober about it but I can see that she cannot quite hide the small smile that graces the corner of her mouth.

"That's the part we are working on!"

Joana looks at me with a kind accusation. "I don't see a ring!" Ha, didn't I just expect a comment like this. How the hell was I supposed to know that I would ask for Sarah MacKenzies hand in an almost packed up flat, sweaty and tired, between numerous packed boxes?

Mac looks at me for a second. I can tell she enjoys this. Turning back to Joana, she tells her, that we are still negotiating that. Which is true. Though I do think that Mac wants to have that kind of life with me, she hasn't said yes yet. Not really.

Joana smiles at both of us, obviously not quite understanding what is going on here. "Lucky you!" I'm not sure she said it to either of us in particular, or maybe to both of us. But Mac gives me another one of these to die for smiles and nods slightly. "Yeah, lucky me!" And I know she means it.

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**1959 local**

Joana is a sweet woman, but I'm glad when she finally turns around and leaves us to ourselves. Looking down at my hands, I only see my Marine Corps Ring. Once I had thought that a proposal should always come with a ring. But how could I possibly expect there to be any normalcy in Harmon Rabb's proposal? We've never been good at doing normal.

When I turn around to look at him again, he gives me his famous flyboy smile that I haven't seen in such a long time. I don't even remember getting it the last time. There used to be a time, when I got to see it constantly, almost every day. And I never learned to be immune against it. But lately… After Paraguay had happened, Harm had barely laughed, or smiled. At least not with or at me.

I want to lighten the mood, not only for myself, but for him too. There was this one time shortly after we had been partnered during the whole ordeal with the Declaration of Independence when I told him, that beautiful smile wouldn't get him anywhere. But I don't get the chance to utter the tease that was on my tongue just now because right as I'm about to open my mouth, Bud and Harriet walk into the bar, grinning like kids under a Christmas tree.

"Captain, Colonel!" Bud greets us with his usual cheerful manner, while Harriet holds her hand over her mouth as if to gasp… she had been doing that quite a bit earlier, when we called them and asked them here. They are the only ones who know about us so far.

After Harm had proposed we were just sitting on our barstools, trying to regain our breath, holding each other close. For a moment I was disappointed that Harm obviously didn't have the intention to move things any further for the moment. But thinking about it now, I'm sure it was the wisest thing to do. I don't think we would have gotten out of bed any time soon.

He had pulled me away from the bar and toward his already cloth-covered sofa after a couple moments. We sat there, arms around each other, not talking at all yet it felt like the best conversation we ever had. And maybe that's good that way, because talking has always gotten us into trouble one way or another.

Harm had looked down at me and I saw all the things I ever wanted to see in these smokey-grey-blue orbs. It was so evident. The look I had once questioned him about on the Admiral's porch so many years ago now, didn't need any explanation tonight. I just knew. And some part at the back of my brain tells me, nobody has ever seen this look besides me. Not Jordan, not Annie, not Renee. Probably not even Diane.

It was then that he suggested we call Bud. He had said earlier, that he wanted us to put our future in fate's hands. And not knowing how exactly we would be doing that, I had agreed.

"Bud got Chegwidden's JAG challenge coin when he retired last year. Bud keeps it as a lucky charm. He even claims he never lost a case since he got it."

I remember myself nodding my consent and giving him a short peck on the lips. Harm got up off the couch and went over to the counter where he usually kept his phone. I wasn't surprised to find it still in operating order. Having moved around quite a bit before I was assigned to JAG Headquarters, I learned to close down communication at the latest possible moment.

Harm had put us on speakerphone, so I could listen in and speak to the people who have probably become our best friends over the years. It didn't take long for Harriet to pick up the phone and Harm plunged right into the conversation.

"Harriet, its Harm. Mac and I would like to meet you guys at McMurphy's in a bit." Harriet was silent for a couple seconds. "But sir, I'm kind of stunned. Not that Bud and I wouldn't like to see you before you head off, but didn't we cover the going away party and the wed down in one stroke this morning?"

I smiled at that and decided to jump in. "No, Harriet. We aren't talking about a going away party. We actually want to celebrate with you!" I let it hang in the air for a second, taking Harm's hand and squeezing it gently. At his nod I went on "We've just decided to get married!"

I swear Harriet dropped that phone. There was quite a bit of rustling from the other line and all of a sudden she had screamed for Bud as if she was about to go into labor, when I know she definitely isn't pregnant at the moment. Or at least I assume so. With Bud and Harriet you never know.

Within moments though, Harriet got herself back and started cheering, Bud not sure what was going on must have taken the phone away from her, because suddenly he started babbling questions as if in shock.

Harm simply smiled and started explaining. "Bud, you still got Chegwiddens coin, don't you?" When Bud answered positive, Harm went on. "Mac and me would like for you and Harriet to come over to McMurphy's in a bit. We need some help to decide if we're going to move to San Diego or London." Looking over at me again, he brought my hand that he was still holding to his lips and gave my knuckles a slight kiss. "'Cause now that I've finally told her I love her, I won't let her get away from me again!" And my heart just stopped again at the look in his eyes.

Harriet comes running over to me and as soon as I am in the range of her arms, she pulls me into one of her motherly hugs that I've come to love so much about her. Harriet will always stay Harriet, just like Bud won't ever loose his persona, though it slightly changed after his accident.

Now that I have my friends here to celebrate my happiness, it feels even more real than it did a couple minutes ago. I'm dimly aware of Harm clapping Bud's shoulder and thanking him for the fact that they came here at the drop of a hat, even though they have four kids waiting at home. Harriet, in her tone that tells you not to mess with her squeals again "Are you kidding? We wouldn't have missed this for the world!"

I catch myself stroking Harm's thighs for a second, and I can just force myself to stop it, before I get myself into trouble. After all he is in full dress uniform not to mention that we are in the middle of a bar, with both our best friends standing right next to us.

Harriet is already one step ahead of me. My mind hasn't yet completely wrapped itself around the fact that I kind of agreed to become Mrs Harmon Rabb jr, and she is already plotting our wedding, asking me about dresses. Without even thinking about the distance that would soon be between her and me, I ask her to help me buy a dress. And for whatever reason, she says yes.

Bud and Harriet are really excited about this, I can tell. When Harm asks them for their orders in drinks, both flash us their most innocent smiles. "This is turning into quite a special night!" I couldn't agree with Bud more. The afternoon that I spent in memories and what ifs finally moved into an evening with so much awe and surprise that it is hard to take in. And somehow I don't mind.

Shortly after, Coates and Sturgis make it here and so does General Cresswell, whom Jen had to lie to, to get him here at all. But that's ok. After all, Harm had all but ordered her to get him here any way she could think of. After everyone has given their orders for drinks, Cresswell addresses me and informs me, that his Petty Officer had asked him to accompany me to San Diego.

I feel flattered that she would want to come with me, considering her statements of before that she liked it at headquarters. Of course I want her to come with me. I'd be a fool to let her go.

Then Harm jumps into the conversation and drops the first bombshell. It's the smaller one and I kind of smile to myself, that neither Coates nor Sturgis or Cresswell have the slightest clue exactly what is going to hit them in about 20 seconds.

"But that is if the Colonel is actually going to San Diego." Harm sits there, smiling his self-conscious smile, and even Bud and Harriet play along for the time being.

Cresswell stares at me, as if I've just grown a second head out of my shoulder. "You're not thinking of turning down the assignment!"

I turn slightly and look at my husband-to-be, giving him another slight nod that only he would know to look for. He slowly gets up and moves right behind me, taking my left hand in his right one and moving his left arm around my waist. "Mac and I have an announcement to make." Looking into my eyes he informs the rest of the gang in quite a simple manner. No blunt speeches. "We're getting married!" And there goes the other bombshell.

For a second there, everyone is silent, staring at us in disbelieve. Ok, I know we've been dancing around this for years, but the shock on everyone's eyes is just a bit too much. As if they think we would never get our act together… ok, Marine, that was kind of dumb. After all it's not like you knew this would happen when you got into your rental car earlier.

Jen is the first one who recovers from her shock, congratulating us and Cresswell follows suit. "Outstanding." And toward Harm he adds "I knew you would finally come around to the Marines."

For some reason I really get the impression, that he is happy for us. It's still weird around him. We were so tuned to Admiral Chegwidden, that getting Cresswell as our new CO had been like starting all over again, not to mention my own trouble with him. While Chegwidden had formed us into a functioning family, Cresswell was determined to break the strong relationships all of us had to one another. Well, maybe not entirely break them, but rather weakening them so they would resemble normal military protocol again, pairing us with foreign officers for investigations and court-martials. I guess he isn't yet one of the touchy feely, but with time he will learn. After all, we trained Chegwidden pretty well.

Harm starts laughing at the General's comment, pulling me even closer and I let him… for now. I turn around to them before I can loose myself in Harm's embrace, not to mention his aftershave and start doing something really inappropriate for a bar while surrounded by all my friends and soon to be former co-workers. I can feel that I'm starting to slip, since Harm's hands are still at my waist, slowly moving up and down in a gentle, soothing manner. Or at least I think that's what he believes he is doing.

"Either London, or San Diego!" I jump in. Harm looks down at me again as he explains "And for this marriage to be successful, one of us has to resign their commission." I make a mental note to tell him later, that a resigned commission alone won't make a successful marriage. But turning toward the others more fully, I tell them what they already know, namely that we weren't able to decide who of us would give up their career to be with the other. The faces of the people around us show me, that I was right. They aren't surprised at all. Not about this part anyway.

The man on my side motions for Bud to go on, while his arms worm their way around me again, pulling me to his chest, where I go only too willingly. Placing my own hand over the one of his resting on my hip, I squeeze him reassuringly.

Bud pulls the JAG challenge coin out of his trouser pockets and shows it to everyone, stating which side would be heads and which would serve us as tails. Looking at me expectantly he asks me. "The bride-to-be will call."

I was sure it would come like this. Bud is a gentleman. And if Bud hadn't asked me, I'm sure Harm would have made him do so. I have the feeling that I already know how this will end. And I find that I really don't care all that much. Once that coin is flipped, one of us will take off their uniforms for good. And while I can't really picture myself as working in private practice, I cannot picture Harm without his summer whites and the single fouled anchor, surmounted by a shield with 13 stripes, centered on a pair of gold wings that he wears with so much pride.

Looking at Harm once again I see him nod at me. I make my decision and call for tails. Harm pulls me against him once more. Maybe because he fells just as nervous as I do.

Bud grins like a fool. "I always wanted to do this at the super-bowl!" He sure has all our laughs on his side for that. Some things about Bud would never change. Placing the coin onto his hand to flip it, he snaps his finger and we all watch as the coin rises above our heads, following it with our eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**2005 local**

After I have announced our decision to get married, everyone is silent, staring at us. I can't really blame them. We really surprised them with this one, but most of all I think we surprised ourselves with it. When I left JAG ops around lunch time after being sworn in by SECNAV and mingling a bit with the rest of my soon-to-be former co-workers, I didn't know this would happen. To be honest, I didn't even know it would when I saw Mac standing in my door.

I had dreaded saying my goodbyes to her, barely able to hug her this morning. It hurt too much to think about the fact that soon we would be separated by more than the walls we had put up ourselves. This was real and it would have been for good this time. I'm not stupid enough to believe, that we would have done anything about the… thing… between us, if we had been on opposite sides of the planet.

When Bud pulls out Chegwiddens coin, I can't help but tighten my hold on her. Partially I do it, because I'm a nervous wreck by now, and I can see it in her eyes, that she isn't far behind me on the nervousness level… or maybe ahead of me? The picture of us crossing the finish line together after the JAGathon comes to mind… maybe we are on the same nervousness level after all. I smile at her, encourage her to make that decision. I don't want to put the weight onto her shoulders, but as an officer and gentleman, I feel required to put the chips into her hands because it is the right thing to do.

When Bud positions the coin on his thumb and forefinger, ready to flip it, I get the sinking feeling that I already know how this is going to end. Maybe that is why I put on my uniform tonight instead of opting for a suit. I love to wear it and it has always felt like it was tailored to fit me from the day I was born. Ok, so it really was tailored to fit me… no Army/Navy supply shop has any mess dress or even Service Dress whites for a sailor on 6"4. I'm lucky if I get the occasional shirt or pants. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

The thing is, I don't really dread it. If fate decides that I'm a civilian as of tomorrow morning, I couldn't care less.

It's her I worry about. She has been a Marine ever since her uncle had pulled her out of hospital and dragged her to Red Rock Mesa where she sobered up. I know how proud she is of that green uniform, how much work she has put into getting where she is today. I cannot really imagine her coming home from work in anything but that uniform. I've often joked about it, teased her even. Sometimes she wears her Class A uniform while I'm already on summer whites, which usually makes for some funny remarks. I just can't imagine not to tease her about it.

Finally, Bud snaps his thumb and the coin flies in the air, turning and twisting around roll, pitch and yaw axis at the same time. We all keep staring at it as it climbs its way up, waiting until it will finally start its way down, dwindling to the floor.

I take my eyes off the coin and look at her. Hers are still fixed on the metal that is still flipping its way through the air. I still look at her soft features when I feel that fate has made its decision. I don't look at the floor. I already know what it says from looking at her. Nobody dares to speak. And I only find myself capable of pressing her even more into my chest than I already do.

And then the most amazing thing happens. She leans in and gives me a kiss, right there in front of everybody. She moves her lips over mine, and I feel the tip of her tongue asking for permission and I grant it willingly, deepening the kiss.

I'm torn between loosing myself in her and maintaining a proper decorum in front of the JAG crew. After I don't know how long, I move my lips away from hers and look down at her. Not one of the people around us has yet uttered a single sound. Not a gasp, not a comment, nothing. It is as if they are waiting for us to make these comments. And they probably are.

But before any of them can say anything, I ask the General for permission to take Mac outside for a moment. He looks at both of us and nods his consent and I'm grateful for the gesture.

Leading Mac outside into the small alley that leads to the bar, I turn her around and look at her intently. "We knew this could happen." I say gently, turning her face towards mine, so she looks at me.

"I know" Is all she says for a long moment. But she doesn't try to get out of my arms and I guess I should be happy about that. "I'm sorry." I say. And I mean it. In a way, it would have been easier the other way around, but it's just the way it is.

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**2011 local**

He looks so sad and I can't even understand why. Well, maybe a little. After all, we had agreed to do it this way. "I'm not!" I say firmly, and I mean it to the core. I had the feeling earlier that this would happen and in a way I had been dreading it a little. But now that it is here, it doesn't seem so bad.

I try to joke about it. Everything to lighten the mood and the look of sorrow in his eyes. The same eyes I once commented upon on the Admiral's porch, when we just couldn't bring ourselves to go back inside to the two people we knew were waiting there for us.

"You know, come to think of it, I've never been very lucky with flipping coins. At least not against you." The tease doesn't give me the laugh I had hoped for. Instead his eyes become even more haunted than they already were a second ago.

"Mac, that's not why…" Sensing what would come, I place my finger softly against his lips, silencing him effectively. "I know that, Harm." He looks down at me for a long while, my finger still placed against his lips. Then he kisses that finger lightly, moving it away from his mouth and instead placing my hand over his heart. It is racing, just like mine.

His eyes bore into me, so intensely, that I get the impression of him staring right into my soul. And maybe he is. "If you want out of this, I wouldn't hold it against you." I draw in a shocked breath. How can he even think that? I can't help but feel a little hurt about that comment, and I can see that he sees it too.

He tries to back paddle instantly. "Mac, look. I would never ask you to give up your career for me. Maybe flipping that coin was a bad idea." I'm still in his arms, and my hand is still resting over his racing heart. In a way I'm grateful that he realizes the fact that this is a lot more complicated than flipping a coin. A lot of decisions come with it. But he knows all that. And I'm sure, that we wouldn't be standing here if the outcome of that had been any different. He wouldn't hesitate. He didn't the last time. And neither will I.

"Harm, I love you. I have for so long that I can't really remember not to. I didn't expect you to propose to me tonight, but you did, and I agreed. And I did so because I love you. I won't go back on my word!"

Harm shakes his head. A small smile graces his features and I'm glad to see that his mood seems to lighten, if only a little bit. "You didn't exactly agree you know." I recognize it as the tease that it is supposed to be.

"Uh, well, at least I agreed to flip that coin. And you know us Marines, Harm. Once we give our word, we don't go back on it." Harm shakes his head again. "This isn't about keeping a word, Mac. Once you type your letter of resignation, there is no going back. Cresswell is not Chegwidden."

I smile again. Harm did a pretty good job in convincing our former CO to take me back then. I realize what he is doing now. He pushes me to the edge because he doesn't want me to enter anything lightly. I appreciate his concern, it is what makes him the man I fell in love with so long ago. In a way he is right in pushing me. After all, I'm about to give up a really good career in the Marine Corps with a relatively safe future ahead of me, for an uncertain future with him. I don't fool myself in thinking we will have a fairy tale together from now on.

"Harm, I'm not talking about keeping my word just for the sake of it. Marine or not, I AM ok with this. I don't say it won't need some getting used to. But it is alright. I am where I want to be. And that is with you!"

I notice that, since we've come outside, he hasn't made any active effort in telling me he wants to be with me, when I can see it so clearly in his features. It saddens me a bit, that I didn't see it like this before. I know I should have. But again, it's just the way he is. It is so typical for him to make that step backwards, whenever he thinks it would be the noble thing to do. And he has done it so often, especially over the last few years and very often not because he didn't want a commitment to me, but because he thought I wanted something different. I realize that this is what he did after Australia, when he gave me space to explore what I had with Mic. And after I had practically told him there would never be anything coming from our mutual attraction to each other the night we left Paraguay, he once again gave me the space I hadn't really wanted and yet kept asking for.

"You weren't happy in civilian life before!" It is a statement, not a question. He wants to protect me from myself, as always. And I know he is right with what he just said. Working in Dalton's law firm was so wrong, it couldn't have been worse. The fancy name on my door, the fancy clothes I got to wear to the office… just to spend my valuable time with going through motions that were way beneath my qualifications and could have been handled by any newbie who had just graduated law school. Dalton had hired me as a lawyer and in the end needed a clerk for the boring work.

I smile at him, and straighten out his new Captain's shoulder board on his right shoulder. "This is different! I'm finally home." With that I kiss him, and I allow myself to deepen the kiss. Nobody is out here, and nobody would feel offended. The alley is dark and I can indulge in the desire to have him so close to me.

It takes a moment for him to comply, but when he does I feel like all breath has left my lungs in one big flush. Reaching for his neck I draw him even closer to me and I let him explore my mouth while I do the same to him. Our tongues dance and duel, while his hands travel up and down my back, pressing me firmly against him.

His lips leave mine to move along my jaw toward my ear and I can feel his warm breath against the side of my neck, raising it, to give him better access. But I need him elsewhere. Drawing all my willpower from god knows where, I guide him back toward my lips, kissing him again for all I'm worth. Years of waiting, of clamping down on both feeling and desire unload into a single kiss. I'm desperate for air, but I just can't let go. I need to hang onto him for just a little longer.

I break away, when I feel his body responding in a very obvious way. I know this is not the time and place for that. There will be plenty of time for that later. Putting some distance between us, I look into his eyes. The usual smoky-grey has darkened into a dark grey and even though we are both out of breath he somehow finds the power to put everything into the proper word for what we both just felt. "Wow!"

Wow, indeed. Looking down at him, I can see that he will need a moment or two. "Sorry about that." I hear a slight chuckle above my head where his chin is resting now. "No you're not." And moving his head away so he can look down at me he adds "And neither am I." He gives me another short peck on the lips and I smile back at him.

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**2025 local**

Once I'm sure that our little encounter is no longer visible, I take her hand and look into her eyes again. I seem to be doing that a lot tonight. Then again, I guess I'll never tire of looking at her. After all I haven't yet and we've known each other for nine long years. "Are you ok?"

She looks at me and smiles. And knowing her as well as I do, I can see that it is a real smile. "I am." Sighing I touch my forehead towards hers. "I guess I just don't want you to make a rash decision that you will regret later." This is what I'm most afraid of about all this. That she will regret giving up her career for us in the future and that we end up tearing each other apart.

There is no smile on her face as she puts my face between both her warm hands. She is dead serious. "Harm, we've been dancing around this for nine years now. We knew from the beginning, that anything beyond a working relationship would end with one of us being shipped out of JAG. Now that we both got orders to go somewhere else it's more than just being shipped out of JAG. But eventually, I think this would have happened anyway. There is no way an O-6 officer stays as a staff Judge Advocate at headquarters. So what if you had gotten your orders to London and I had stayed at Quantico or wherever. I am ok with this. I want to be with you, Harm. And giving up the Marines may take some getting used to, but what I get in return is worth so much more!"

With that she takes my hand and opens the door so we can reenter the bar. I recognize this as what it is. She doesn't want me to raise any more questions. The woman on my side is one squared away determined Marine, in and out of uniform. And maybe she is right with what she just said.

Our friends have gotten comfortable at the bar while we were outside. Seeing us return, they all turn around expectantly, watching us as we approach, holding hands. They are waiting for us to say something, I can tell. Somehow I don't think it should be me who does the talking now. But she looks at me and gives me that smile I love so much, nodding her head to encourage me. It's one of our silent conversations that have taken place a lot over the years and I understand what she wants me to say.

Averting my eyes from her and focusing on the expectant faces around us, I take a heart and say the first thing that comes to my mind. "It looks like she has just agreed to finally make an honest man out of me! In London!"

Within seconds we are surrounded by our friends, hugged and congratulated. Cresswell shakes my hand in what I believe is honest friendliness. The man may be a bit of a prick, but from what Mac has told me after she had visited with Cammie Cresswell and from what I heard in the scuttlebutt around office after his wife had paid headquarters a visit, the 2-star is just a big marshmallow inside. "Congratulations, Captain." I thank him for it, just as honestly. A part of me wishes, Admiral Chegwidden could be here tonight. But a lucky sailor can't have everything I suppose.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**2015 local**

I smile politely as General Cresswell approaches me and Harriet. After the Captain and Colonel went outside, the both of us have moved to the far end of the bar. "Lieutenant, would you mind if I borrowed your husband for a second?" Harriet looks at me and she can sense my discomfort. She nods encouragingly to me and steps away. "No problem sir, I wanted to talk to the other guys anyway."

Turning around to watch her leave, the General makes a comment that I hadn't expected. "So, I heard you turned down both the Captain and the Colonel?" I look at him in disbelief. How could he possibly know? When Captain Rabb asked me to come to London with him, we were the only people in the conference room, and when Colonel MacKenzie asked me to come to San Diego with her, we were about the only people in the hallway.

Deciding to approach this like a diplomat, I settle on the part of the truth that would not hurt me. "Well sir, I like my work here at JAG. San Diego is a nice place, and London is great too I suppose. But right now, our life is here, sir."

General Cresswell doesn't look at me. He looks out at the bar, watching the people there. "I was just surprised Commander, that's all."

I get the uneasy feeling, that there is more to this conversation than he lets on at the moment. I can't help the feeling of rejection that is creeping up my backside. Slowly, but it is definitely there. I decide to give a little more information on the matter. I know the General is a family man himself and if anything, I suppose he can understand that husbands need to consider their wives' wishes here and there… ok very often.

"Well, it's just that… Harriet and I have talked about it, and we decided to stay here for the time being." I watch him from the corner of my eye. He still remains impassive, his face unreadable. But that's nothing new. The General has a lot in common with Admiral Chegwidden there.

"In other words Commander, your wife made up your mind?" I stare at him. At least that's what I think I do. In a way I can't help but feeling like this is nothing of his business. If he doesn't want me at headquarters, he can transfer me out without much difficulty. Stranger things have happened to officers.

"Don't worry, Commander. That's what wives do all the time. Question is how you feel about it." With that he claps my shoulder before he simply walks away, leaving me to my drink.

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**2019 local**

I leave Roberts standing there with his drink. I'm not surprised about what he just told me. Lieutenant Sims seems to be quite a negotiator even though she isn't a lawyer. But well, my own wife is no different, and I know for a fact that there is a good partner backing every good officer. And Roberts is damn good, even though it took me a while to see it.

I decide to keep away from Sims though, at least for the time being. As it looks the evening will be an interesting one and a long one as well.

Rabb and MacKenzie are still out in the alley, doing only god knows what. It's funny to see how things have developed tonight. I always suspected there to be something going on, but how was I supposed to guess this would happen? Especially after everyone around here keeps assuring me that there is nothing going on. I swear, one of these days I'll go nuts around here. I wonder how Chegwidden ever got any work done in this office.

For the time being, I sit next to Coates and Turner at the bar, ordering a beer after having nursed my martini.

Just as the bartender, I believe they called her Joana earlier, hands me my beer, I see Rabb and MacKenzie walk in again. Hand in hand. I have to admit, they make a nice couple. I cannot really see what MacKenzie sees in Rabb though, but well, I'm not going to get married. The man may be an incredible lawyer, but he is a loose cannon and well… here it goes.

"It looks like she has just agreed to finally make an honest man out of me! In London!"

Hmm… should have known she wouldn't back down. She is a Marine alright. But damn, she is a good lawyer and I hate to see her go. Something tells me, there is nothing I can do about it. She doesn't strike me as the kind of woman who is easily pursued into doing what she doesn't want to do. She looks at me for my reaction and I feel kind of honored that she cares that much, even though we've only known each other for a few months. I am a bit disappointed at the outcome of this evening, but I'm smart enough not to show it.

Once the congratulations are over, I see Sims standing by herself as she orders another drink for herself. This is my opening.

Stepping up to her from behind, I kindly ask her for a few minutes of her time and she turns around with that friendly smile she seems to bestow upon everyone surrounding JAG.

"What can I do for you, sir?" I'm glad she is straightforward. I didn't expect anything less, after all she is a mother of four kids. "Lieutenant, I hear you made up your husbands mind about a new billet!" I'm just as straightforward if I have to be. And something tells me, there is no other way to go about this than the one I've chosen.

Her smile falls and I know I just scored a point. "Sir, with all due respect, I think it isn't exactly fair to make that kind of assumption. Commander Roberts and I have talked about his offers and we've decided to stay here for the time being."

I smile at her. She is very good at this. "I know what you mean, Lieutenant. It's called family life. And I'm sure you have put a lot of consideration into your arguments. I was just surprised that the Commander didn't want the chance that was offered to him, that's all." I let my comment hang in there for a while. If I play this right, I might just get her to see what I see.

She hesitates for a second and I can see her mind putting together her argument before she opens her mouth. "Well, sir. May I be honest with you?" At my nod, she goes on. "It's not as easy as that. Bud, I mean, Commander Roberts actually wanted to go to London with Captain Rabb. I was happy for him to get the opportunity. But at the same time, I do believe it is my responsibility to be his conscience and have his own well being in mind."

She looks over to where her husband talks to Rabb and MacKenzie. "You see sir, after his accident, Bud has tried hard to stay in the Navy and he is proud of doing what he does. But all the time, he needed someone to put a hold on things when he tried to push himself too hard. He still sometimes forgets that he needs medical attention and it's just that… Bethesda is one of the best hospitals in the world. And I trust these guys over there. They know him and they know his story. "

I hadn't exactly thought about this. She is right. Bethesda is one of the best equipped hospitals in the world and the surgeons and doctors there are all handpicked through the service.

"I can understand where you're coming from, Lieutenant." She nods in acceptance. "I also guess, that the Commander doesn't know all the reasons behind your position?" I can't believe she actually blushes at that. Who would have thought that an old dog like me could get a woman of four kids to blush! This must be a new one for me.

"Well, sir you see he wouldn't exactly agree with me. But someone has to watch out for him!" That is one determined wife, I'd say.

"Lieutenant, what if I told you, that there is a military hospital of equal standard right in London? The British Army has a lot of experience with the kind of injuries that Commander Roberts suffers from. And I know for a fact from my own experience with them, that the British Army has very skilled people in their medical staff. And the Queen Elisabeth Hospital has been responsible for any US military personnel in and surrounding London."

She stares at me. And I can see the little wheels turning in her head. She knows exactly where this is going. "Do you want Commander Roberts to accompany the Captain, sir?"

Yeah, she definitely got my meaning… almost. "May I be blunt with you, Lieutenant?" She nods and her features and posture tell me, that she doesn't expect me to be anything but. "This is not about me wanting Commander Roberts gone from JAG headquarters. In fact, I can always use a good lawyer, and your husband is one of the best on my staff. God knows I need good people, especially now with all the 'kids' hopping around. But this is really about what he wants, Lieutenant. And with all due respect for your opinion and your wish to make sure he doesn't overdo it, I would also like you to consider that your husband deserves every chance he gets. And right now, if he stays at headquarters, he is just another lawyer."

I pause for a second before going on. "When I accepted the position of Judge Advocate General, I read the files on my senior staff. All of them. I found some pretty weird things in some of the folders." When she looks confused I'm quick to tell her, that her husband's folder contained no such things. "But Commander Roberts has some very interesting facts in his folder too, Lieutenant. He was the Public Affairs officer on board the _Seahawk_ where he did a lot of administrative things. And even before I accepted my position here, I was told, that if there was a budget or any such thing coming up, your husband would be the perfect man to handle it. Your husband is very good at administrative things."

I look at her again, and she looks like she understood what I was trying to tell her. She is a smart woman and I can see why people at the office keep speaking so highly of her. She does seem very organized, but then again, with four kids on your hands, you better be organized.

"It's a funny thing how Captain Rabb has not yet been able to find a suitable officer to fill the billet of Assistant Force Judge Advocate." With that I turn around and let her stand there. It is a good thing to give people some time to ponder over things after all.

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**2041 local**

I can't believe I've just been handled. I won't fool myself into thinking I wasn't. The General is everything Bud has told me about and then some.

I've been so sure about this. Bud needs a lot of medical attention, and although he keeps forgetting about his leg these days, there just has to be someone there to keep him in check. And Bud can be a handful sometimes.

The thing is, I want Bud to be happy. And at the same time I want to make sure he is in good medical hands, and so far, the guys at Bethesda have done an incredible job. I'm aware of the fact that in the military many things can happen. You never know when you'll be reassigned to another billet. But Harm's offer isn't a reassignment. He asked Bud, and even though I was proud for Bud, I was hesitant, still am.

Of course there is the matter of our house. We bought it to make a good life here. And then there are the kids to consider. Looking over at Bud talking to Harm and Mac, I can't help but feeling that maybe the General is right.

I don't want to make that decision tonight tough. This is an engagement party, for all intends and purposes. And yet, I can't help remembering another engagement party, when Admiral Chegwidden announced my promotion to full Lieutenant. That seems like another lifetime ago now. We were still so innocent back then. So careless in a way. September 11th hadn't yet happened and life was still normal. Or as normal as it can get in the service.

I'm startled when I hear my name. Turning around, I can see Mac standing there at the bar next to me. She must have ordered something to drink again. She looks at me funnily but if she caught my mood, she isn't commenting on it.

"I'm so happy for you, ma'am. You and the Captain, both." She smiles at me and I get the feeling she is just a little embarrassed. She turns around to look over at where Bud and Captain Rabb still talk. "You'll be missed a lot you know?"

She gives me another of the tight smiles that indicate just a small amount of discomfort. "So will you and Bud, Harriet!" I nod at that while I watch Commander Turner approach the Captain and Bud and they seem to fall into a comfortable discussion once more.

"General Cresswell came over to me a few minutes ago." I don't know where this comes from and I only realize what I say once the words have already left my mouth. The Colonel looks at me puzzled. "What did he want?"

For a long moment I don't answer. And when I do, I don't look at her. "I think he wants Bud gone from headquarters, ma'am. What he said was pretty clear." She doesn't say anything for a couple seconds and the silence tells me, that she knows more than she says.

"I don't think he wants Bud gone exactly Harriet. But you haven't been around lately. He brought in a lot of personnel in the last couple months to replace people around here. I like to think that I've earned my billet for San Diego and I know Harm has more than earned his. But I'm not sure that was the only reason behind our transfers. I've been stationed here for almost nine years, Harm for over ten years and Bud started working here the same day I did. That's a lot longer than you normally get at one place in the service."

She pauses for a moment. "But it hasn't escaped me that the General was not exactly happy with how close we have all become under Admiral Chegwidden." I look over at the guys again. Harm and Bud are really good friends. Commander Turner is another matter altogether. Though he has always remained friendly and even tried to push Bud to do something for his career back before his assignment to the _Seahawk_, I never felt completely at ease with him.

I ponder my next question for a couple minutes. I really want her opinion, even though I know that my doubts are every bit as justified about all this. She doesn't say anything. Maybe she senses that I'm collecting my thoughts and maybe she is just busy ogling Harm. After all I do remember what it was like being together with Bud in the beginning.

I turn around to get her attention, and immediately her eyes leave the men on the other side of the bar, who have just taken up a game of pool with Bud watching while Captain Rabb and Commander Turner play. "Do you think I made the right decision in pursuing Bud to stay here?"

Her eyes indicate that I shocked her with my question. Her mouth doesn't really open and close like that of a fish in the water, but she is definitely surprised. She too seems to be choosing her words carefully before she answers. "Well, I'm sure glad that I don't have to make that kind of decision."

I nod, but that's not what I wanted to hear from her. I know she is a lawyer and that she can be very diplomatic. A lot more so than Captain Rabb could ever be anyway. Comes from being a woman I suppose. "I'm sensing a 'but' there?"

She looks down at her hands and again, I can see the wheels in her head as she tries to choose her answer. "I know you have your reasons, Harriet. You told me so yesterday. And from where I'm standing I can't know what it is really like for you and especially for Bud after the accident. I don't feel like I have the right to judge any of your decisions concerning this."

I sigh at her answer. I still hear a 'but' somewhere in this. I decide to turn around the tables. "What would you have done, ma'am?" She gives me a tight smile and once more she tries it the diplomatic way. "I'm not sure what I would have done if it had been Harm. I do think I would have wanted the best for him. The question here is what the best would be. Harm is ambitious in a way Bud isn't. Not the same way anyway." She pauses for a few seconds. "I'd like to think though, that I would let him make the choice. The same way he did to me earlier."

I look at her puzzled. I had thought they had already made up their mind about getting married before coming here and the only thing that needed deciding was whether they would go to Europe or to California. "I don't understand."

Nodding, she goes on. "Didn't you wonder why Harm took me outside after Bud had flipped the coin?" I stare at her, stunned. "Well, we all thought it was to make sure you were ok about what had happened."

She nods again, confirming what I thought. "It was part of it. He really wanted to make sure I can accept the outcome of the whole thing. And I can. But Harm offered me to get out of this if I couldn't." I always knew the Captain loved her. It has been so obvious over the years. And once more he manages to surprise me with just how deep he seems to feel for the woman next to me.

"I guess it's just the way Harm is. He always let me make my own decisions, even when he knew they were a bad idea to begin with." And chuckling to herself more than for my benefit, she adds "And he was always there to help me pick up the pieces after I came to the realization of just how bad the ideas were from the get go."

I grin at her. "I guess that kind of goes both ways." But instead of agreeing, she shakes her head slightly. "No, Harriet. I always wanted a commitment from Harm, even when he wasn't yet ready to give it. And when he tried to explain I went off to hurt him, big time. More than once." She seems to be sad about this. I don't know exactly why she tells me this now. And I have no idea how we ended up from talking about Bud and his career to her telling me these things. I'm her friend and I'm willing to listen. For now.

"I once told Mattie, that she had taught Harm to love unconditionally. But that isn't exactly true. Looking back, that's what he has always done. He never pressured me, even though I often pushed him."

I'm not quite sure I understand what she is trying to tell me and I tell her so. "Bud needs to make his own decisions, Harriet. You cannot protect him from the world, no matter how much you want to. I won't say that he will have regrets about not going to London in the future. I think Bud loves you enough to value your opinion and your life together higher than he will ever value the Navy and his career. He just isn't that kind of alpha-male that Harm is."

I snort at her calling the Captain an alpha-male. But she is right. Harm and Bud are very different in this. "So, you think I should have let him go?" I need to hear it. Diplomatic is fine, but I'm a mom of four kids. And I know for a fact, that diplomacy doesn't always get the job done.

Colonel MacKenzie doesn't answer right away. She takes her time, again. "I think that Bud staying here is going to get him nowhere, Harriet." I don't really follow her. I mean, she and the Captain stayed at headquarters for such a long time and they really have made good careers for themselves. So why should it be any different for Bud?

"I know what you think, Harriet. But the times have changed. It won't be easy for Bud, especially with his handicap."

I nod. I knew all of this. General Cresswell isn't Admiral Chegwidden. While the Admiral had gone long ways to make sure, Bud got his well deserved promotion to Lieutenant Commander, the General had actively tried to get to the bottom of just why the Admiral had kept him at headquarters, even though he had made his fair share of errors and not to mention his leg.

"So, do you think, Bud going to London would be better for him?" I already know the answer to that. An abroad duty station is always a good career move and I know that if Bud wants to have a chance of ever being promoted to senior rank, he needs these kinds of assignments.

I know I want Bud to have and get what he deserves. He gave a lot for his country, and somehow I feel like our country owes him for this, big time. He would never agree with me on that, of course.

"Harriet, Harm offered Bud the position of Assistant Judge Advocate under his command. That is a very administrative position. Bud would be the second man behind Harm, not to mention, that, while he would still work on cases occasionally, he would be doing a lot of administrative work. And you and I both know that this is where he is best. It isn't my decision to make. You have a lot of things to consider about this. And I'm not just talking about Bud and the medical attention he still needs. You have a family and going to Europe, like Harm and I will, is a lot more difficult with four children."

She takes a deep breath before she gives me her final advice. "Harriet, I'm not talking as the fiancée of the Force Judge Advocate of Europe here. I'm talking to you as a friend. Let Bud decide where he wants to go. Period. Don't worry about anything else. If Bud wants to go, Harm will be more than happy to have him. And Harm will be damn lucky. And if Bud decides he wants to stay despite everything… Harm will accept and respect that just as well."

She pats my arm gently and turns away, walking over to Captain Rabb and I smile at the easy way they now touch each other. But she is leaving me to think and I know I don't have much time for the decision.

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**2132 local**

Captain Rabb is one hell of a pool player. Commander Turner has given his best, but there is no way he could have won. Not a chance in hell. Looser has to pay another round for the JAG crew that is still complete as far as I can see. Even General Cresswell is still around, chatting to Petty Officer Coates.

I wonder what she will do, now that Captain Rabb and Colonel MacKenzie will go to London and not to San Diego. Maybe the Captain can convince her, that it would be good to come with them.

I sigh. I don't regret my decision. Not really. In the end, Harriet is right. We have a good life here. The twins are still little and then there is the house to think about. I'm just a bit sad that the Captain and Colonel will be so far away in the future. It's not like we cannot visit, but I already know I'll miss them very much. And of course it would have been a great career move for me.

I feel Harriet next to me and lift my eyes to her. I smile. She is beautiful. I will never cease to wonder, how she could have fallen in love with a clumsy Star Trek nerd like me. She even forgave me naming Jimmy after Captain Kirk. Every day I thank god, that he sent her my way and that he held his hand over me in Afghanistan, so I could come back home to her and my family.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I frown. Was I that obvious? It's not like I cannot understand her doubts. She is reasonable, a lot more so than I will ever be. And she is right about staying here.

"Bud, I have thought about things. I will ask you a question. And I expect an honest answer." Where does this come from all of a sudden? I know I look confused. I sure feel like it. But she doesn't give me a chance to ask anything myself. Instead she plunges right ahead. "Do you want to go to London, Bud?"

I stare at her. I thought we had put this behind us yesterday. Of course, when the Captain had asked me about whether or not I would want to become his Assistant Judge Advocate I agreed, out of sheer joy. I would have loved to work under his command; it would have been an honor. But then I told Harriet, and since she really didn't want to leave here, I accepted things, and even though it hurt a bit, I had to admit to myself, that staying here was the smarter thing to do, considering our kids and the house and all that.

"Sweetie, we talked about this, and we agreed to stay here!" I can see that she isn't satisfied with this. My wife, sweet as she is, is one determined blonde, and god help anyone who stands in her way if she wants something. "No, Bud. I want to know what you want. Do you want to go, or not? And don't tell me what I told you yesterday. I don't want to hear my own words thrown back at me. I know you are perfectly capable of your own."

Something tells me, we are heading for an explosion here. This is dangerous ground, and it's already shifting. If I'm not careful, this is going to end up in a major earth quake.

Taking her arm, I lead her to one of the tables and sit her down opposite of me. "Sweetie, what brought this on?" If my butt gets busted for agreeing with her, I at least want to know why. But she shakes her head firmly. "An answer, Bud. And I promise I will neither be hurt, nor disappointed. I just want your honest opinion."

I cannot help but feel a bit angry at this. After all, she bought the house without really caring for my opinion and then didn't tell me. If not for Singer, I probably would have learned we had a house when I came home. I love the house, but she has done so much without my consent, like getting that flat screen or the piano, and she hadn't much cared for the fact, that I wasn't comfortable with her parents giving the money.

Stamping my foot onto these thoughts, I choose my words. When she's like this, I can never be choosy enough. "It would have been an honor to work under Captain Rabb's command, Harriet. And it would have been a great move for me, maybe even for us and the kids. And when he offered it to me, I was happy, because I knew you had always wanted to go to London. I really thought I could make that come true for you. And after the way you had supported me to take a billet on a ship to accelerate my career, I just thought you would be happy about it. That's why accepted it."

I sit there, nervously looking at anything but her. I love her more than anything. She has been so accepting and understanding about everything. Many women would have turned and run screaming the other way if their husband came home a leg short. But she wasn't. She was stronger than any other woman I know. And when she was so outraged yesterday it took me by surprise.

She takes my hand and squeezes it hard, making me look at her. I again see the determination in her eyes, but also the love I know she has in her. She swallows hard and I'm waiting for the bomb to go off. I know it will, and I won't like what she has to say. But she wanted my opinion.

She has tears in her eyes when I look back up at her, but there is a smile too. Taking my hand, she pulls me closer and gives me a short peck on the lips. "Then go and talk to him, Bud!"

Wait a minute… what?

I brush away her tears and search my uniform pants for a handkerchief. I have no idea what this is all about. I know I can be slow on the uptake sometimes, but I'm confused as well. Just what does she want from me?

She must see the confusion because I know I'm not very good at hiding it. I've never been. "Bud, I want you to know, that I stand behind whatever you decide." Taking a deep breath, she goes on. "General Cresswell told me earlier, that Captain Rabb hasn't yet filled the position he offered to you. And… if you want to take it, I'll be right beside you, where I belong."

Now I know my jaw just hit the table I'm sitting at. My mouth is gaping open and I have a difficult time breathing. She lifts my chin and moves my mouth shut, pulling me close for a chaste kiss. She smiles.

"Come on, sailor. I'll go with you. Let's tell them we'll be along for the ride, before I can change my mind." With that she practically drags me away from the chair and over to where the Captain and Colonel stand in what looks like a private little moment. I smile at the sight. I always knew they were meant to be that way, and sometimes it frustrated the hell out of me to watch them hurting each other.

The two of them move apart and look at us like deer caught in the headlights, with a slight blush on both their faces. Who would have thought they even could blush like that? It's an interesting thought. "Bud, it's good that you are still here, 'cause I need to ask you something." Captain Rabb gives me his big smile and I know I'm in for something. I always am when he gives me that look.

Without wasting any time, he straightens up and says "Bud, I need a best man." That's it. He just looks at me expectantly. I don't know what to say to this. I had imagined Commander Turner to do that. But I feel honored, even before he starts babbling. "I mean, I would like to have you for the job Bud, if you want it."

I frown at him for a second and voice my doubts. "Sir, I'm honored… but I kind of expected Commander Turner to stand up for you." But he waves his hand in dismissal. "Nah, I wanted to ask you first. Turner is just second chair on this one, Bud." I can't help but grin at him in return. There is nothing that would keep me from doing it. "Tell me when and where, sir!"

He smiles at me again and pulls me into a bear hug. I can only remember him hugging me once, and as far as I can remember, that was the day he left JAG to return to active flight status… and I also remember, that back then it had been me who hugged him. But something tells me, he doesn't care for much tonight. Releasing me, he claps my shoulder and grins again. "You bet!"

"We'll let you know as soon as we set a date, so you can arrange for coming to London. And we expect the whole package of you!" Looking at Harriet once more, she takes my hand and squeezes it in encouragement. "Sir, I think it might not be necessary for us to make flight arrangements." I watch him closely. He raises an eyebrow in disbelieve. "If your offer still stands, I would…" pressing Harriet's hand again I continue "we would like to take you up on it and come with you. To London."

The Captain stares at me for a full minute. The Colonel doesn't look as surprised, which tells me, that she has something to do with my wife's sudden change of mind. "You serious?" The Captain still hasn't quite regained his composure.

I smile tightly and nod. "Yes, sir!" And then I'm pulled into a bear hug all over again. "Thanks Bud!" Releasing myself from his hug, I smile at Harriet. "You need to thank her, sir." And then Harriet is swept into a hug too. The Colonel looks at the scene with mild amusement. Somehow today doesn't seem to stop being amazing.

Our collective grins and cheerful talk is interrupted by a voice I didn't hear in over a year. And I cannot say I really missed it. "Well, well, well… if that isn't the three musketeers!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**2202 local**

Entering the bar, it doesn't take me long to spot them, huddled together like old times. I'll never understand the relationship these people have. In a way I'm jealous of them. And in a way I pity them too.

There was a time, when I wished I could be someone else. Someone who doesn't have to leave the country at the drop of a hat for god knows how long; Someone who would be at home with a wife and kids and all that. But things are the way they are, and I've learned to live wit that.

I see her next to Rabb. Somehow it doesn't surprise me. They've been like this ever since I've met them. Rabb is a fool if he doesn't see what is right in front of him, but it's not my place to put his nose into that. I never regretted leaving her in the dark about what I did, where I was and how I did it. The job is the way it is, and there is nothing I can change about that. And even if I could, I'm not sure I would want to. The less she knew, the safer she was. The only thing I do regret is that I hurt her by keeping her in that dark place.

I haven't seen her since she punched me at Manderlee. She didn't understand why things had to be the way they were. Still are. At the time I didn't quite know what to do with myself. I had wanted things to work out between us, knowing I never really had her. There was always another man between us, and she is standing right next to him at the moment.

They haven't seen me yet. Coates doesn't know me, and neither does the replacement of Chegwidden. Pity the SEAL retired. It would have been fun meeting him here. I'm sure I would have gotten an earful or two.

I approach them, just as Rabb pulls Roberts into a hug. Is it just me, or is Rabb acting funny? Probably already had a couple beers too many. Then he starts hugging Sims too, and I just don't quite know what to think of that. Maybe another baby on the way or something. God knows these two never seem to sleep. But as soon as he releases the blonde one, his arm goes round Sarah's waist, pulling her against his side in a VERY obvious manner.

What the fuck is going on here? I knew I would probably find them here tonight, after I visited Sarah's apartment earlier and found that she obviously wasn't home. I remember her telling me once that they celebrate important events here, so I figured, that – on her last night in town – they would be here, having some sort of going away thing or other such nonsense.

"Well, well, well… if that isn't the three musketeers!"

A sly smirk spreads over my features when I see them staring at me. Their faces are funny though. I don't think anybody expected me to come here tonight. Rabb's face is the easiest to read. It is open resentment I see in his lines. Roberts doesn't seem very pleased to see me, however he either is better at masking it, or his reaction isn't quite as strong. Sims on the other hand… well I guess I'd be watching the radishes grow from the bottom if the daggers her eyes send were real. That woman has always been over-emotional.

I'm most interested in how Sarah perceives my being here though. Her eyes don't show open resentment, but her posture tells me, she isn't pleased to see me either. I make a mental note not to get into the range of her fists. That woman sure has a blow many men would be proud of.

"Webb!" Rabb never bothers to hide is dislike for me. He and Sarah are probably the closest thing to friends I have around here, but I guess we can call that null and void after the last episode of this drama. In a way it's his own fault. If the idiot hadn't danced around Sarah the way he had, nothing would have ever happened between her and me. I'm not that big of a fool.

"Good evening, Rabb, Lieutenant Roberts, Lieutenant Sims. Hello, Sarah." I have my hands in my pockets, not bothering to extend them for a handshake. I know I won't get any. Roberts gives me the look that says I should pay better attention to my surroundings. "It's Lieutenant Commander now, Mr. Webb." Right… I hadn't seen that. Must have escaped my eyes in his folder. But well, I haven't spent much time with Robert's folder lately. Come to think of it, I never really did. No need to.

"Sorry, about that." I mean it. I never meant to offend the younger man. Other than the fact that he is just a bit too… I don't have a word for it. He has never done anything to deserve my attitude. Neither does Lieutenant Sims.

"I was at your apartment earlier. Thought I'd say my goodbyes!" There is no question in Sarah's eyes to whose apartment I was. I don't know what I expected when I decided to drive over here. Resentment? Yes! Contempt? Possibly! I didn't expect the cold voice though that hits my ears now. "What do you want Webb?" No hello, Clay. Not even the slightest bit of civil conversation.

"I heard you were transferred out of town and…" I trail off. I have to admit, it kind of hurts to have her call me 'Webb' again. There was a time, when she called me by my given name.

Looking at Rabb's arm around her waist, it dawns on me. "I suppose congratulations are in order?" I think I startled them with that. Rabb frowns at me, and Sarah looks up to him with a small smile on her lips. I remember what they felt like against mine. But that's neither here nor there. It's over and considering everything, I should be grateful for what I had.

I always knew she was with me, because she thought I could understand her and what she had been through in Paraguay. We were in the same boat, memory wise. But that was all that pulled us together, at least on her part. And when she figured out that I had put her into my scheme of killing Simon Tanveer without telling her about it, she finally realized that my side wasn't the one she belonged. In a way she was right about that, and I always knew that. She wasn't mine, not really.

She looks back at me and nods. I can see that she is happy. She never looked at me like that.

I'm not going to stay long. In fact I'm already plotting my retreat. Nodding to all of them, I turn around and start my way towards the door. But for whatever reason, Rabb calls after me and asks if I want a drink. I turn around and look at him, narrowing my eyes. Does he want to gloat at me? Showing off his luck and happiness with my ex-girlfriend? Is this some sort of payback? But he doesn't look like that, which doesn't really surprise me. That man is just too damn righteous.

I look at Sarah too, and she doesn't seem to mind. Instead she is busy with whispering something in his ear. He nods solemnly which tells me, what she just told him wasn't any sweet nothing or endearment. I know I probably shouldn't, but I agree on double bourbon. Sarah watches me carefully. She doesn't like it when I drink. Probably another thing that led to the decision she made when she left me.

Motioning for Roberts and Harriet to leave us alone for a moment, Rabb and Sarah move toward where I sit down on a nearby table. I don't care for standing around here. The two younger officers make their excuses and leave.

Rabb sits down to my left, while Sarah picks the chair opposite to me. It doesn't escape me, that she doesn't want to sit next to me. "So, Webb. Care to tell us what you do here of all places?"

Rabb may be one hell of a lawyer, but he never learned subtle. At least not with me. I know we worked together well, and he is grateful for what I did for his brother and during the search for his father. Both things seem to be such a lifetime ago now. Back then, I really believe we were something like friends. Now we are just two men sitting in a bar talking, the only thing we have in common the woman to his left.

"As I said. I heard that you two were going to transfer out of town and since Sarah wasn't at home I figured you guys might have come here for a farewell party or any such thing." I make sure my tone of voice shows my disdain for things like these. "I drove by your apartment but it was dark there too."

I don't tell them, that I had been kind of glad to see that he wasn't home either, because it meant that they weren't spending time together alone. The thought of her with him isn't unbearable. I always knew she was waiting for him to finally make up his mind. I just don't want to think abut them in bed, that's all.

"I guess we won't be seeing much of each other in the future. Not that we ever did, with me out of town so often." I let it hang there. In a way it is a sad thing, almost. After all, the three of us, and of course Roberts, have known each other for nine years, and we saw a lot of shit together. Not just in Paraguay.

My bourbon finally arrives, and I take a long gulp savoring the feeling of the alcohol sliding down my throat. God that feels good. When I put down my glass, my hand starts shaking again. I hate it when it does that. They both see it. Rabb lifts his eyebrows and Sarah sighs. They don't comment on it verbally.

"So, when did that happen?" I ask, gesturing between the two of them. I can tell Rabb feels uncomfortable about the question, and Sarah doesn't look much happier. She gives me her annoyed smirk and tells me they only decided to get married today. I almost drop off my chair at that.

I wonder how they want to make this work. Last I heard Sarah was supposed to report to San Diego tomorrow morning and Rabb was supposed to be shipped to London tomorrow afternoon. "And how do you plan on making this work?" I mean sure, Rabb flies fighterjets, but even that would take hours. I cannot really imagine a long distance relationship with more than 6,000 miles in between.

Rabb considers his answer for a second, before looking at her then back at me. "We will get married in London." Interesting. But that's no answer to my question. "And what about the whole London-San Diego thing?" At that Sarah's lips turn upward and I hear something that I would have never thought possible. Sarah MacKenzie will leave the service. I'm silenced. Almost paralyzed. How in the name of Merlin's beard did Rabb pull that one off?

Seeing my question he shrugs. "We flipped a coin!" As if that answers all and any questions. To him it probably does. Or he just doesn't think me worthy enough to hear all of it. I can understand that, too.

I cant help but ask her if she is ok with this. The look I get tells me it isn't any of my business. "As a matter of fact. I am." She doesn't say anything else and picking up my bourbon I down the last of it. I think its time for me to go.

Rising from my chair I look at Rabb again. "I never thanked you for saving us down there." He looks at me and for a moment I think he wants to say something scathing. But he obviously chooses not to. "I didn't exactly do it for you. But I'm glad you made it out." I nod and grab the inside pocket of my jacket for my wallet.

He stills my hand "It's on me tonight." I nod again. We don't shake hands. Rabb and I were never much for that kind of thing with each other and today doesn't change anything. I won't even try to hug Sarah, even though it was on my mind. I know my chances with Rabb standing next to her. A broken nose would be my least concern.

When I turn around and start my way toward the door, I hear my name again. "Webb!" Turning around once more I see he has gotten up, and so has Sarah, who moves next to him into his arm again. I don't think she does it deliberately. She is in love and seeking the contact to the man next to her. But I don't feel comfortable watching them together like that. I might have at some point in the past, but that point has come and gone unnoticed.

Walking towards me, Sarah still in his arm he stops right in front of me. "Thank you. For everything!" I'm stunned again. I hadn't expected that, but I guess he cannot help himself. For him everything is a matter of honor and pride. We are so different in that.

I only nod. I know I've done a lot for him in the past, mostly for him. Sarah didn't need my help that often over the years. It was always him that called in a favor. It was me who got his brother out of that Chechen prison camp a couple years back. And I know he is grateful for that. But I know he has done just as much for me in return, whether consciously or unconsciously. After all, if not for the man in front of me, I would probably be no longer alive. But as he said, he didn't do it for me. And in a way I appreciate the honesty. Yet it doesn't change the facts. I'm alive. Thanks to him.

"You're welcome. Good luck to you." They both nod in understanding and don't call me back as I walk to the door again, leaving the bar without looking behind me. My flight goes in about five hours. I might as well get my stuff and head to the airport.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

**McMurphy's tavern**

**Washington D.C.**

**2232 local**

Looking at my watch I realize that it has become pretty late. Mac and I both need to pack some stuff before I head for the airport tomorrow. I still don't know how she will get there. I need to remind her later, that we need to make the arrangements for a flight.

Seeing Webb tonight was a surprise. It wasn't a welcome surprise, I have to admit. Yet it wasn't completely unwelcome either. In a way I admire his gesture. He used to be a good man at heart, even though he often seemed careless for the people concerned in his missions. When we met on the day me and Mac were partnered for the first time, I couldn't help feeling that he is an arrogant, careless prick who never cares for people as long as his missions don't get fucked up. But each time I thought I finally understood how that brain of his works, he turned around and surprised me. Like in the Magida case and most of all when he risked his own life to get Sergei out of Chechnya. He practically threw away his career over the _Angelshark_ incident. Paraguay has changed him. Clayton Webb had never been a cold blooded murderer before that. It saddens me that a good man changed so much for the worse. And yet I hate him for what he put Mac through, no matter if she was willing in the first place or not. I have yet to be on a single one of his missions that doesn't go south. If his missions had been tomcats, the navy would have fired him years ago.

I walk her over to where the rest of the gang still hang out, chatting animatedly. It's good to see all of them like this. I'll miss Sturgis, even though we will never again be the friends we used to be back at the academy. Our lives and lifestyles have become too different over the decades. God, I'm getting old.

It surprises me that even Cresswell is still hanging around. As we approach, he nods at us. "It's nice to see you finally made it back to us, Captain, Colonel. Just as well. I didn't want to leave before telling you, that I've made arrangements for the Colonel on your flight, Captain. You will be leaving Andrews at 1715 tomorrow afternoon." He pauses for a small second before going on. "Colonel, I still have a sliver of hope, that you might change your mind and drag the Captain to San Diego. But if not, I need your paperwork on my desk before you leave country, since you are supposed to report to San Diego tomorrow afternoon."

His look tells me, he is happy for us, even if he doesn't like the price tag. Neither do I, but things are as they are. He shakes both Mac's and my hands, and pulls on his jacket, preparing to leave. "Uh sir?" I guess Bud hasn't told him about them joining us in London yet.

Cresswell turns around to my new Assistant Judge Advoce and considers him closely. "Commander?" Bud walks over to where we stand and I give him a small grin to encourage him. I know this must be hard for him. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that Mac does the same. "I take it you've talked to the Captain and finally made up your mind about going to London with him?"

Bud looks shocked. Some things about Bud will never change. "Well sir, I talked to Lieutenant Sims earlier and we think it would be a wise move to take the Captain up on his offer, sir." Cresswell extends his hand and shakes Bud's as well. "Good, that means I don't have to draw up your orders, Commander. You'll get your paperwork first thing tomorrow… if I can find a yeoman who can type it."

I know my eyebrows rise at that. For some reason I see it coming. Bud is going to put his foot into his mouth. "Well sir, from what you said earlier I got the impression that there wasn't really a place for me at JAG anymore. And I think it is time to move on." I'm just glad Bud didn't outright tell a two-star, that he felt unwanted at JAG due to said two-star.

Cresswell considers him for a moment. And what I hear next really does surprise me. Many surprises tonight… "There is nobody I'd rather have working in my office, Commander. But if you stay here, you are going toward nothing. And I need someone to keep an eye on the Captain for me!" With that he winks at us and then turns around and walks out the door. I swear I can see that self-satisfied smirk on his face that he seems to get when he believes he has gotten one up on us.

Looking over at Bud who is still stunned, I remember a conversation not unlike this one with Captain Pike on the _Henry_ a couple years back. I smile to myself and I catch Mac looking at me funnily. "Just memories!" I explain, and I can see she will ask a question or two about this later.

"You about ready to go?" She asks me, and I tell her I am. After all it is already late and there is still so much to do.

But before I leave here tonight, I need to do one more thing. Walking over to where Coates is getting ready to head home as well I make her stop just in time. "So, Jen. Will we see you in London?" She looks at me surprised and I feel a small smile tug at the corners of my mouth. "I still need a good yeoman, think you're up to the challenge?" The bright smile I get tells me all I need to know. "I'll talk to the General."

We say our goodbyes to Sturgis, telling him to bring Varese to the wedding. I like to believe, we part like men. Sturgis' and my friendship lived in the past mostly. Other than fixing my corvette together, we have failed to renew that friendship. Or we have simply outgrown it. But I guess I can live with that.

Taking Mac's hand in mine again, I lead her out the bar to where we usually park our cars. She is driving a rental, like me. Only she has had hers for a while now, since she never replaced that corvette she crashed on Christmas Eve.

"How do we want to do this?" She asks me when we reach our respective cars. I shrug. "Well, I kind of thought we could go to your place first. I could help you pack up the rest of your stuff and then we could go back to my place and do the same. We will be faster if we do it together."

I know she is calculating the time in her head. "You're on, flyboy!" With that she moves up to me and kisses me on the lips. It isn't a gentle kiss either. She sneaks her arms around my neck to pull me closer to her and I allow her to deepen the kiss, moaning into her mouth as it starts to get out of control.

She moves away from me with a dazed look on her face and whispers that I should drive careful. Pecking her lips with mine one final time, I climb into my car and move toward Georgetown.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

**Mac's apartment**

**Georgetown, Washington D.C.**

**2301**

When Harm reaches my apartment, I have to laugh. He is still in full mess dress and I can't help thinking of how he will look packing boxes in that. But when he enters my apartment, he gives me a short kiss that leaves me wishing we had time for more and shows me a small duffel bag.

"What's that?" I want to know. I've never known Harm to have anything in his trunk but golf clubs and a spare tire. "I brought that, because I knew I was going to need them. I'm not dumb enough to pack boxes in these." He refers to his uniform.

At that he turns around and walks right into my bedroom to get changed. I turn around and busy myself in the kitchen. God knows we wouldn't get any work done if I followed him now. I only saw him in his boxers once and that was a very long time ago. I won't be able to stop myself if I see him half naked… in a bedroom no less. No staying out here and packing my microwave into a cardboard box is a lot safer.

He returns only minutes later. "I put the uniform on your bed for the time being. I couldn't find a hanger for it." He gives me another short peck on my lips and after I change into some jeans and t-shirt again, we work ourselves through my kitchen cabinets. I won't pack the food and stuff. That would be wasted until it arrived in Britain anyway. And maybe Varese will be grateful for some of it. Though I doubt she is a big fan of microwave dinners.

My kitchen is pretty much the only room I haven't finished packing, apart from the few items that remain in my dresser. The living room is all packed except for the computer; even the sofa is already wrapped in cloth, just like the one back at Harm's place.

Once the kitchen is done, there is really only one other thing to pack and I need to print something out before that happens. Booting my computer, I open the folder where I know the document was saved a while ago. Harm moves behind me and looks puzzled when he realizes that my letter of resignation has already been typed.

"I wrote it a while back when I thought you were running off to Russia again to look for Sergei. I wasn't going to let you risk your life alone." I turn away from him and back to the screen because I know what I would see if I looked into his eyes. He is that kind of man who always feels responsible for the people around him. His hand is still on my shoulder and I give it a slight reassuring squeeze before I start scanning the contents of the document. I already know what it says, but I don't want anybody finding any formal mistake that would create problems later. Finding nothing I change the date and hit the printing button.

"You really don't have to do this, Mac." He is back to where he was earlier, looking at me with his sad eyes. I know it pains him. "Harm, we've been through this. I love you and next to that nothing else really matters." I get up from my chair and move my hands to his shoulders. I wish I could take away his frustration. "I want this! And now that I've finally gotten you to admit how you feel, I'm not letting you slip through my fingers again. It will be ok. I promise!"

I kiss him on the cheek again and walk over to my printer, taking a pen and signing the document without looking at it again.

In a way this is a heavy step. But for all intends and purposes, it doesn't feel as heavy as when I signed this the last time, almost 8 years back now. The fact that it feels a lot better this time, than it had last time, tells me I'm doing the right thing.

We finish my apartment in under an hour, allowing ourselves a short break on my sofa, each of us a soda in hand. Harm sits down on the opposite site of my sofa and I recognize the look he gives me. "It seems safer from here." He jokes. He is right about that one.

We both look at the boxes that are lined up next to the door. They will be picked up by the Navy guys who organize that kind of stuff if personnel get reassigned, tomorrow. "You moving in our out?" He grins. "Out I guess."

I grin in return and finish my soda. "Let's head over to your place. The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can catch some sleep." Harm only walks back into my old bedroom and picks up his uniform which he places over his arm, not daring to stuff the jacket and the pants into his duffel bag from earlier.

I take one last look around my place. Or rather what is left of it. I liked living here, but in the last couple months, I have accumulated some very bad memories here too, mainly with Webb and everything that came along with it. I'm not really going to miss this apartment and I'm glad that Varese wants to sublet it, so I won't have trouble with the landlord.

**Harm's apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**Washington D.C.**

**0037 local**

When we enter my apartment, I remember what happened here earlier and I can't help but feel warmth in my stomach. I close the door behind me and spin her around into my arms. "Harm!" she complains in that annoyed voice I've come to know so well over the years. I know we don't have time for anything at the moment, but I just want to hold her close for a second to remind myself that this is really happening for us.

I kiss her and force myself to keep things as lightly as I can, but I didn't quite count on her response. Feeling the tip of her tongue requesting entrance I grant it willingly. I hear a moan from somewhere and I'm not sure if it comes from her or me, but who cares anyway?

Releasing her before things can get out of hand, I tell her we should start with the kitchen and then pack up the rest of my wardrobe, which consists mainly of clothing, since I haven't even started there yet.

"Did you hear from Mattie today?" she asks as we put some of my pans into a cardboard box. I nod yes and tell her, that I had called her after SECNAV had made my new rank official. "She sends her best wishes to you too." I see her smile brightly at that. I know she likes Mattie but they barely know each other.

I know a part of that is my fault even though I don't know how things could have possibly been going differently. In a way I hate what happened in Paraguay, mainly because of what it did to the relationship between me and Mac. She had known why I had dropped everything to go after her then, and she didn't want to acknowledge it. That's the only explanation I have.

Of course, Paraguay was only the beginning. Chegwidden made it clear that he didn't want me back and I was forced to go looking for a job elsewhere. I ended up flying for the CIA after Catherine Gale had made quite a couple phone calls for me.

In a way it was really ironic. There I was flying missions on any number of different planes and jets and yet, my heart wasn't in it at all. Flying didn't bring me the joy I had hoped it would. It never took away the regret and the pain of knowing what I couldn't have. And then I suddenly didn't even have flying anymore until a minor employed me to fly a crop duster.

I don't know what I'd do right now, if Admiral Chegwidden hadn't come to get me back. I probably wouldn't be planning my wedding to Mac; that much is for sure. After everything that has happened, I don't think she'd still be with Webb, but Sarah MacKenzie is a beautiful woman. And I'm sure she wouldn't have had to wait long until a guy came along to make her happy.

In a way I have to be grateful for Chegwidden that he didn't take me back at first. I don't think I would have gone to Blacksburg to check on _Sarah_ if it hadn't been for the huge mess my life was back then.

Mac puts her hand on my arm, startling me for a second. "You ok?" She must have realized that my mind has wandered off somewhere. "Yeah, sorry." She isn't entirely convinced with my answer, I can see that much. "Pleasant thoughts?" How should I answer that? In a way yes. And in another way…

"I was thinking about Mattie." I say, which is basically true. Mattie's situation is bad enough to explain the clouds over my head which I'm sure Mac has seen. "Are there any news from the juvenile court, yet?" I'm surprised at her question and shake my head. "We are still waiting for that, though her father doesn't want to fight it. I think he knows that he isn't in any condition to help Mattie get through what is ahead of her."

Tom Johnson had fallen off the wagon and badly so, when Mattie was still unconscious. In a way I can't blame him. Many people like him turn back towards the bottle if things go bad in their life. It makes my respect for the woman next to me grow exponentially. "I would like to be part of it."

Lifting my head to look at her, I only see determination. "Mac, please…" I trail off. What am I doing? The woman I love and want to marry tells me she wants to assist in being there for my foster daughter and I try to turn her down. Sighing I start again. "We haven't quite talked about that part." I carefully focus on her, trying to guess at her reaction.

Putting down the tape in her hand, she walks over to where I stand and sits down on one of the barstools. "When you were doing your Hornet qualification in spring, she came to see me at JAG. At first I thought she had forgotten that you wouldn't be at the office, but she really came to see me." She pauses for a moment and considers me through her eyelashes.

"She asked me why you would just sign off on the custody papers without a second glance, after you had always claimed to like her." She starts fiddling with her hands as she always does when there is more to what she has to say and she doesn't quite know how to put it into words.

"What did you answer her?" I'm curious about this one. A small smile tugs at the corners of her mouth, but it doesn't really reach her eyes. It's more a sad smile than a happy one. "I told her what I thought. Namely that she had taught you to love unconditionally, and that you have become a better man for her presence in your life. She made you grow up in many ways."

I cannot disagree with that. It is true. Having the responsibility for Mattie has changed my life considerably. But maybe I'm just getting too old for the kind of games I used to play. "I was sad when she came with Tom to tell me she wanted to go back to live with him. But it wasn't my place to take a child away from her father. And even more so it wasn't my place to stand in the way of what she really wanted."

She stares at me, and I have the feeling that she looks deep within me with those beautiful brown eyes. "She made me promise to watch out for you, when she's gone, you know?" I'm startled at that. I would have never guessed. But then again, that's Mattie for you; always meddling with other people's lives. "And I told her I would…"

I reach over to her and take her in my arms. I can't help myself. Mac is such an incredible woman and I still haven't gotten over the fact, that she is really mine. We are great together like this and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

"So, how about we get these boxes packed up now? I'm really tired of doing this." I grin at her and resume working. Our moment of seriousness has passed and we work together in comfortable silence, only joking here and there. It's good to see her like this. And it sure feels good to have her here for doing this.

It is way past 0100 when we are finally finished with packing all my stuff and I would like nothing more than go to bed. But as that comes closer, I get more and more nervous. I haven't been nervous about sharing a bed with a woman since High School and in a way it does feel like I'm that nervous 17-year-old all over again.

Mac comes up to me and – drawing me down towards her – she brushes her lips lightly against mine. It's more a comfort thing than a sexual one and I don't stop her when she pulls away. I decide to leave the choice to her. I mean, sure we have decided to get married, but I kind of always saw me proposing AFTER we had been in a romantic relationship for a while, and not before that.

Damn it, Rabb. What the fuck is up with you? You've been hoping for this for like forever and now you freak out like this? What is wrong with you?

"Do you want me to sleep on the couch?" I stutter in a much undignified manner so unlike my usual self. Mac looks at me and starts snorting like a girl. "Harm, we've slept in the same bed before and we didn't kill each other. Besides, if I can remember correctly, we agreed to get married." With that she takes my hand and leads me to the elevated part of my loft which served me as a bedroom for the last nine years.

"Are you sure?" I still can't believe how nervous I am. But looking closely at her, I can see that she isn't her usual self-assured persona either. Funny thing though, seeing her biting her lip slightly as we stand in front of my bed, puts my mind at ease for a bit.

She turns around and gives me that beautiful smile that I love so much. Giving me a slight peck on my lips, she whispers that it will be alright and I believe her. She throws my boxers and t-shirt at me that I had put aside to sleep in earlier. It sure will be funny. I haven't worn a t-shirt to bed in … like forever. But I didn't want her to think I'm looking for sex tonight, so I opted for the more conservative approach. I decide to walk into my bathroom to get changed, leaving her the privacy of my bedroom to do the same.

I'm just putting on my t-shirt, when she asks if it is safe to come in so she can go about brushing her teeth. We stand next to each other at the sink, both brushing our teeth and I have to hide a big grin that threatens to spread over my face. We look like an old married couple.

She stops doing what she does to look at me strangely when I can't hold in the snort anymore. "Think this is funny, huh?" Yes, I do, but I cannot really say that. However, I can see the grin forming on her face too now and I know we are alright. We finish in silence and when I'm about to turn around to head back to the bedroom, she takes my hand and motions for me to lead the way.

She climbs into my bed, and the look of that alone is enough to cause a very strong reaction. Mac scoots over to the far end of my bed and lifts the covers to let me in. I'm glad she does, because I'm not sure I can hide what is going on for long. I never thought shorts and t-shirt could be so sexy on a woman. And I'm grateful for the fact that only the bedside lamp is still on, as I'm pretty sure that my face would give me away because I just know I'm wearing a blush.

We both turn to our sides so we can look at each other, keeping a respective distance between us. I have another reason to turn to my side too, because my summer sheets wouldn't really hide certain things and I don't think she has seen it yet. I'm thankful for that too, since I'm not sure what she expects to happen and I don't want to do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable.

Mac's expression doesn't hide anything. I've seen it before on a handful occasions and I was never so close to letting go of that lifeline she once accused me of clinging to. Swallowing hard, I close the distance between us and kiss her. The moment our lips meet, I'm lost in a storm, the blood rushing through my ears and I can't focus on anything but the woman next to me.

I only touch my lips to hers gently at first and if I didn't know better I could easily think it's just an imagination. But it becomes very real when she reaches one hand behind my neck to pull me closer, increasing the pressure of our kiss. I slip out my tongue and trace the shape of her lips, running it along them and begging for entrance.

As she opens her mouth to allow me in, I can't stop myself and pull her closer to me. I hear a groan when my tongue slips inside her and I'm not sure if it comes from her or me. I feel her other arm snaking around me, drawing it up and down my back.

I tangle my fingers in her soft brown hair with one hand, while the other lazily draws circles on her back. By now I'm desperate to touch her skin, so I slip my fingers underneath her shirt every once in a while. I gasp when I feel her hand going on a similar journey and I know that this time it is definitely my groan when I feel her warm hand on my spine. She touches my back lazily, but wherever her hands go, she creates a fire and if she doesn't stop soon, this will end in an inferno, with me burning to ashes.

We continue to kiss and caress slowly, exploring each other with our mouths and hands. I'm dimly aware of the fact, that my right leg is between Mac's and I feel her pressing up against me in all the right places and I press back down, making her feel my arousal against her thigh.

When my lungs begin to burn from a lack of air after what seems like endless kissing, I lift my head from hers and look down at her. In that moment I would do anything for her. She looks so incredible with her hair mused and her lips swollen from our kissing. Her brown eyes gaze back at me and I notice that they have turned into a dark brown, almost black. Her skin is flushed and I can only imagine what I look like after this.

I want this so very much. I'm not even sure if I can stop right now, but I have to make sure. I don't want to fuck this up now that we have gotten this far.

"Sarah, are you sure?" Her eyes lighten up at me calling her by her given name. I've only called her that a handful of times before, and each of these times were special to me. I don't usually think of her as 'Sarah' because I know she prefers to be called Mac. But this one simply slipped out and from the look on her face, she isn't mad at me.

She nods and smiles up at me before she moves her right hand up to my cheek and asks me the same. "Are you?" I'm still out of breath when I answer her and I can only whisper, afraid of spoiling the moment. "I've been sure for a long time, Sarah!" At that her face changes, from wonder to understanding and I can almost hear her thoughts. She once accused me of not being able to let go, and back then she may have been right. But it's been her who couldn't let me in during the last two years.

But I don't want these two years to stand between us tonight. I need to be with her tonight, and I feel like I would loose a part of myself, if I couldn't. I'm confident in what I want and I lean down to kiss her again, to emphasize my point.

She deepens the kiss again, and I reach over to shut down the bedside lamp but she reaches for my hand when she realizes what I'm about to do. "No, leave it. I want to see you. All of you." Who am I to complain about that? At this moment she could ask anything from me and I would do it, no matter what.

She smiles at me when she lowers her lips to mine once again and I feel her reaching for the hem of my shirt, moving it upwards slowly and I get the picture. Unwillingly I release her lips for a moment, so she can pull the cotton material over my head. Our lips engage in yet another wonderful firestorm before she moves to explore along my face, nibbling on my jaw and then slowly moving lower to my neck and throat.

I let myself fall to my back, dragging her with me. Her lips never leave contact with my skin and all I can do is lie there and enjoy what she does to me, knowing it will be my downfall. I swear that there isn't an inch of skin on my throat and shoulder that she hasn't tasted yet. I loose all track of thought when she reaches my chest, slowly torturing me with playing with the few hairs scattered across my torso. She takes her time and I'm drowning; willingly so.

**Harm's apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**Washington D.C.**

**0139 local**

I can barely hold in a gasp when I take off his shirt. I've dreamed about this so often, fantasized about it, but reality is so much better. I have touched him before of course. I always knew he has a well build upper body with strong muscles in just the right places. But this is perfect.

I run my lips and my fingers lightly over his jaw first, and then move on to taste his throat and shoulders, lightly caressing the strong chest underneath me. I can feel his muscles quiver under my touch. I would have never guessed, that the usually so self assured man could be so shy and even a bit insecure about himself.

I take my time exploring. After all I've been dreaming about this for so long, I can't even remember not dreaming about it. And now that the moment has finally arrived, I want to savor it and not rush through it.

I feel the movement of his arms before I realize that he tries to pull up my shirt as well, and I grin inwardly at the fact that he has finally decided to participate again. I sit up slightly to make it easier for him and he follows me up into a sitting position.

I feel a slight shyness creep over me, when he bares my upper body completely. His hands start exploring just like mine still do on his chest and back and he drags me closer to him again, claiming my lips in another fiery kiss.

He turns us around again and gently puts my back down on the mattress and I see the self confidence return to his eyes as he gives me a slight grin "my turn". He starts kissing my breasts and I gasp for air when I feel his lips kissing my already hard nipple, swirling his tongue around it while his fingers work their magic on my other breast. I swear I can't take much more of this.

My breath comes in pants already and I feel completely defenseless to his ministrations. I couldn't move if I wanted to. Then he switches sides, paying the same attention to my other breast. I can't keep in the moan that threatens to leave my throat, tumbling out from between my lips. This only causes him to work my breast harder, squeezing it gently with his hand, while I try to pull him even closer to me, trying to encourage him to move things along.

He growls at my movement and his hot breath tickles my skin, sending waves down to my core, increasing my own arousal that is already there between my legs. "You're so beautiful!" he whispers and I melt even more into his embrace than I already am.

Very slowly, way too slowly for my taste, Harm moves his hand down from my breasts and trails his fingers across my torso, down to my stomach and slips the tips of his fingers under the waistband of the shorts I put on earlier. They aren't much to look at. Just ordinary training shorts that I usually wear when we are on board ship somewhere. I didn't want to be too obvious and wear lingerie or something.

His hand stills inside my shorts and I know I whimper in disappointment and frustration and I don't care. His mouth is just above my breasts again, kissing there and I can feel the form of his lips change when a smile spreads across his face. Well, I don't know what is so amusing about this, but I guess its time to give some of it back.

Rolling us over so I'm on top again, I kiss my way down his torso once more, following the slim trail of dark hair down to his groin. When I reach the waistband of his pants, I slide my hands up his left leg, deliberately brushing against his hardness. He groans and I hook my thumbs into his shorts and tug them down.

He has the sense to lift his hips to assist me and looking into his eyes, I can see that he enjoys watching me like this. When I free him completely, I swallow hard when I lay my eyes on him for the first time. I always expected him to be well proportioned and what is now in front of my eyes only confirms that. Good thing we left the light on after all. I lower my head for a moment and place a kiss on his tip, tasting him. I can't help myself.

I slowly move up his leg, my hands going as slow as I dare. I only skim his skin lightly, and I smile at the goose bumps and quivers I get in response. The higher I get, the even slower I become. I have to concentrate hard not to rush to where I know he wants me most.

"Mac…" he hisses between gasps for air. He pulls me down hard to him and turns us around again, burying me under his weight.

He moves his hands from my breasts toward my waistband again, slightly stroking my stomach and I feel the ripples go through me wherever his fingers touch. He slowly eases my shorts off and throws them to the floor where it joins the rest of our clothing.

Then he starts kissing his way back up my right leg and he looks at me while he does so. I feel myself drowning in his blue-gray eyes that have become so dark in the last minutes and I don't think this has anything to do with the dim light in the room. What I look at is nothing short of pure desire and passion.

**Harm's apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**Washington D.C.**

**0149 local**

I can't believe what I see. She is so beautiful. I can't remember why we waited for so long to experience this miracle. I look at her looking at me and I lean forward again, kissing first her stomach and then as if on a leash, I'm dragged lower by my own desire to give her what I know she needs desperately.

Her scent there is intoxicating and I know I'm going dizzy. She arches her hips forward when she feels my breath there and I know she will go crazy if I don't start doing something. But I'm not ready to finish my explorations just yet, and touching her there would only accelerate things.

I stretch up so we are aligned from head to toe again and find her lips. She grabs my shoulders and flips us over once again, straddling me and hovering just a few inches from my hard-on. But instead of scooting back and closing the distance between our lower bodies to complete us, she reaches behind her and takes me in her hand. I feel the blood leave my face and rush south and coherent thought is no longer possible.

Her touch feels so good, her grasp so sure. "Oh, God, Sarah!" I cannot keep my groans in. I want to yell and I know I'm not going to last much longer if she keeps that firm rhythm up. She keeps moving her hand up and down and so slowly that it is more torture than pleasure, because I'm getting frustrated.

Her thumb brushes over my tip, and I know there is already liquid forming there, but she doesn't care and simply spreads it over me. I need her to stop this or I'm going to explode but when she pulls her hand away I already mourn the loss of contact. I know I'm whimpering by now and I don't care.

Then she starts kissing me there, kissing her way down my arousal and then runs her tongue back up as if I'm her favorite ice cream. I can't help but grip her head to urge her on. I don't want to force her on this, but I want to feel her there. When I feel her lips close over me, her warmth moving up and down on me, her tongue swirling around and her hands stroking my thighs, I think I'm going to die. And I'd die a happy man.

I feel the unmistakable tightening in my lower regions and I know she has to stop this now or it will be over in mere seconds. I drag her back up to me and kiss her hard, tasting myself on her but I don't care for that either.

I know I need a couple moments to calm down a little so I turn her over again tracing her hips and then her lower lips with my fingers, slipping one finger in and enjoying the emotions that play across her face. She gasps when I slide through the wetness and find her clit, teasing her there.

I leave her lips and kiss my way down once more, paying special attention to the skin between her breasts and when I reach the juncture between her legs, I slide my finger even further into her, causing her to groan in pleasure.

I can understand her now. I too feel the strong desire to taste her, so I reach out my tongue and lap at her entrance and the dizziness returns full blast. Slipping in a second finger, I keep teasing her bud until she calls out my name. I know she is lost now and I know for sure when she arches forward, pushing my fingers even deeper inside. Her hands are as white as I'm sure mine were earlier when I gripped the sheets for all I was worth.

I keep swirling my tongue around her clit and then bend my fingers deep inside her. "Oh my god, Harm!" she yells and I'm filled with pride, knowing it was me who gave her the pleasure to cause this outcry. It is the most beautiful sound I've ever heard and I grin up at her.

I move back up to her and hold her close for a moment while she comes down and I'm completely taken by surprise when she rolls back on top of me, crashing her lips to mine in a searing kiss that leaves both of us breathless.

She moves backwards again, lowering herself. She isn't quite in contact yet, but she is close enough to moisten me with her own arousal and I have to break the kiss that we are engaged in because I can't wait any longer.

"You sure?" I ask again. I just hope she doesn't deny us this after everything that has happened in the last few minutes. "I want you!" It is a simple message and yet, it sounds like a wonderful song.

I struggle for the last ounce of self control that I have and roll her underneath me again, supporting my weight on my forearms. I'm poised at her entrance, sliding along her and lubricating me further, her hips moving forward in turn to encourage me. I know what she wants, and I don't have the power any longer to deny it to her.

Easing myself in, we both groan at what is happening. "Is this alright?" She nods at me and pushes her hips forward even more, taking me deeper. But I hold back "No, I mean… you know…" I trail off, not really able to form the words in my pleasure-dizzy brain. But she gets the message, I think. "I'm clean!" That wasn't exactly what I wanted to know and when I feel her pushing me deeper again, I tell her, that I'm clean too. But I have to know. "No, I mean… what about…?" I don't have the power to form complete sentences anymore and I only hope that she will get the hint this time.

She places her hand on my cheek and smiles softly at me. "Less than 5 percent, remember?" And then she kisses me and pulls me in completely with one sharp movement of her hips and I collapse against her, overwhelmed by what we are about to do.

We both moan and my hips start their movement on their own. I can smell our arousal, the scent that makes Sarah MacKenzie and I never want to leave this place. This has to be heaven.

I feel her clinging to my upper body as we both move. I feel her hands trailing up and down my back while I tangle my fingers in her hair. I'm sure I'm uttering one gasp or another as we rock in a dance as old as time. This is how it is supposed to be, as it was always meant to be for us.

I can feel the tension building in me once again and I know I'm close, but I want to take her with me, so I reach down between us and start stroking her again and I'm rewarded by a quickening of her gasps. It doesn't take long for me to feel her contracting around me and I know she's there when she calls my name.

I try to hold on as long as I can to prolong the pleasure for her, but I'm not far behind her and I have to let it go. I hear myself call her name as I pour myself into her and for a while neither of us moves. We both catch our breaths, the scent of what we just did filling the air around us.

When I finally find the strength to move to the side, she turns around immediately to face me again, a happy smile on her face and I know there is forming one on me as well. She puts her right hand over my heart and leans in to kiss me. "Thank you!" What does she have to thank me for when I should be thanking her for letting us experience this?

"I love you!" is all I can say right now, and she smiles even wider at that. "And I love you!" I know she means it.

Wrapping her in my arms tightly, I feel sleep finally getting the better of me, and if her even breathing is any indication, she isn't far behind.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

**Harm's apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**Washington D.C.**

**0326 local**

The room around me is quiet when I regain consciousness, except for the even breathing next to me. Looking over at the man next to me I have to control the urge to wake him up so I can hear his voice again. But I don't really have the heart. The last couple days have been busy for both of us and I know he must be exhausted by now. I know I am. But other than the squid here, I've always been an insomniac of sorts.

I smile to myself when an incident comes to my mind where we were aboard the Seahawk a couple years ago. We had agreed to meet for breakfast in the officer's mess by 0700 and when he had still been nowhere to be seen by 0715 I had made my way over to his quarters which he was sharing with one of the cargo pilots who had only spent one night on the carrier.

I had reached the door just as the Lieutenant left the cabin and I motioned for him to leave the door open so I could slip in. As I had expected, my partner was still sound asleep on his bunk… bottom bunk no less. I remember grinning at the sight in front of me. The 6"4 Navy Commander had pulled the sheet up to his ears, slept on his side and had the most peaceful expression on his face, accompanied by a tiny smile.

I had enjoyed waking him up by throwing the hatch closed and standing there with my arms crossed over my chest. I had a pretty hard time to keep from laughing too, when he looked up at me with that sleepy puzzled face and I had lost my fight against laughter when he realized he had slept too long. There haven't been many times when I saw him embarrassed, but he sure as hell was that morning.

Watching him now, he has that same tiny smile on his face and I decide that I like it. This man is so incredible in so many ways, and I still can't wrap my brain around the fact, that after waiting for nine long years, we will finally take the chance and plan our future together.

I feel a small smile on my lips when I think about earlier. I hadn't really expected anything to happen tonight, considering all the work we had done and the party we had earlier. But after the events of today, nothing is really surprising anymore.

I can see it before he stirs. I don't move away from him, enjoying the feeling of his arm over my hip that he has thrown over me sometime during the last hour and a half or so. I never figured him to be possessive and yet, he obviously likes to be close like this in bed.

He opens his eyes sleepily and for a moment he looks at me like he is surprised to see me there. But he recovers quickly and gives me a tired smile. "Hey" I smile at him in return and give him a whispered "hey" as well. He brushes his lips across mine for a moment, before he tightens his hold on me.

"Why are you already awake? It's in the middle of the night" I almost laugh at that. After all he just woke up as well. "I could ask you the same, counselor." I get another smile at that. "Point taken."

He turns around and props himself up on his elbow, looking down at me but I'm not far behind and prop myself up too. He pushes a lock of hair back behind my ear and I kind of feel, like we've been like this for years. We might have been lovers only for a couple hours, but we've been familiar with each other for years, and having him tug a strand of hair in place, feels natural. He has done it so often over the years, that I have lost count.

"Are we ok?" he suddenly asks, and for a second I don't know if I want to hit him or hug him. What does he think? That this is a one-time only occasion? We were agreeing on a marriage earlier. Not really knowing where this comes from, I ask my own question. "What do you mean?" Two can play this game after all. It's just so typical for us. After our kiss on the Admiral's porch he came to my office as well and asked the exact same question. And the answer is still similar.

"I mean… about earlier. I wasn't sure if…" he coughs for a moment, blushing bright red "… if we were ready for that." There is no question what he talks about here. Were we ready? I don't know about that. Everything happened so fast today, that I cannot answer this question honestly without lying to myself. But I really don't regret it and I tell him so. "Neither do I!" He sounds like making a vow.

Turning onto my back again, I turn my head so I can look at him. "I always wanted it to happen here." That is true. Whenever I pictured Harm and me ending up in bed together, it was always here, in his loft, in this very bed. It never happened in my flat. Not once.

He looks as confused as I feel. "I can't really explain it. I just always pictured it happening here." Turning towards him again, I take his hand in mine and intertwine our fingers. It feels so right to finally do that. We have held hands as friends so often…in the hospital after my crash, at the Admiral's dining out, in front of sickbay during Bud's surgery. And it had always felt so damn right. Just like now.

"Is that the reason why this happened earlier?" He motions to the bed and us and there is no question what he means. Now I really feel a strong urge to punch him. How can he even think that? Does he think I jumped into bed with him, because this is our last night in town, the last possibility to make love in this loft? "No!" My voice is a little more forceful than I intend it to be. "Good" his voice is still calm. I'm sure he has realized my tone and with his calm voice he takes the wind out of my storm again.

**Harm's apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**Washington D.C.**

**0349 local**

I could kick myself when I open my eyes. She is already awake, damn it, but I would have liked to watch her sleep. I only got the opportunity once, when she was in hospital after her crash on Christmas Eve. And back then I was full of concern, so I couldn't really enjoy it.

But her smile is enough to pay up for the lost opportunity. All of a sudden I'm not sure about what happened earlier. I need to know if we are alright with this. Even though it was a wonderful experience, I would have thought we would postpone our first lovemaking to a later date, considering our history. But we didn't and I'm not going to apologize for it, unless she wants me to. She doesn't seem to mind though.

She tells me, that she always wanted us to be together like that here, and I can't help but wonder why that may be so. It dawns on me, that she might have thought this is our last opportunity to do this here, since we will be in London by this time tomorrow.

I can see the storm starting before she can say anything which gives me a short amount of time to prepare for its waves. After this we lie there in comfortable silence for a while. "We might have the opportunity to come back here in the future, you know." I knew that would get her attention. She turns toward me and stares at me. There is no other word to describe her look. It definitely is a stare.

"Well, this place belongs to me, right? I bought it when I moved in here nine years ago. And I couldn't find anybody who wanted it so far. If Sergei was still here, I'd offer it to him, but he decided to go back to Russia, so there really isn't anybody I could or would offer it to. And it seems wrong to give it to a foreigner." She narrows her eyes at me, not satisfied with my answer. "Uh… as I said, the loft belongs to me and I kinda figured it would be useful to have a place to sleep other than a couch at a friend's place or a hotel room, for when I need to come to Washington."

I know it makes no real sense. But the taxes I pay for this place are not even worth mentioning and when I made the decision a couple days ago, it seemed like the right thing to do. And I know that I will need to make trips to D.C. regularly to report in with Cresswell or whoever will get that chair after him.

"But you and I packed about everything there is, except for the food and stuff 'cause you said Sturgis would pick it up in a couple days." I'm sure she hadn't meant to blurt it out like this.

"Yeah, but the sofa and the bed will stay here. I figured that's what I would need for return trips, at least for the time being. And of course Mattie would be able to use it for when she wants to visit her dad… though I guess that's a long way in the future."

A wave of sadness rushes over me, when I think about her. She had become such an independent young girl, so much ahead of her. And then the one thing that brought her joy and happiness suddenly became her biggest enemy. I still can't understand how anybody could have missed that there is a plane taxiing around while another is on final approach.

A hand comes comfortingly down on my chest and I look over to Mac again. She knows me better than anybody else, even better than Mattie, even though the teenager has been living with me for almost a year. "She will get better. And once she is allowed to, she will come to us and stay there."

I look at her in surprise. We haven't yet talked about the matter. I know she attempted to earlier when we were packing up but I wasn't sure about talking about this. "Don't look so surprised. You took the responsibility for her and it's only natural, that I support you on this."

I don't know what to say. Sarah MacKenzie is a constant surprise. Swallowing hard, I take her into my arms and hug her hard. There is no way I can put my gratitude into words.

She kisses me softly and returns the hug. It is a hug of comfort, not of passion and I fall in love with her all over again. Pulling back, I lie down again, supporting my head with my left arm, so I can keep looking at her. The fact that we were talking about Mattie just now plays into my cards, because there is something I've been meaning to ask her ever since I knew she would be on my plane in a few hours.

"I would like to drive out to Blacksburg in the morning, saying my goodbyes." I don't really know how I should broach the subject. I would love for Mac to come with me, when I tell Mattie about us. I think I even need her there with me.

I know I have to ask her there. She wouldn't come with me unless I asked her directly. Not after I sent her away from the hospital and denying her coming with me last week when she asked me to accompany me there. "Would you like to come?" I make it sound casually. I don't want her to feel obligated or anything.

Mac doesn't say yes right away. She studies me carefully before she says anything. "Would you want me to?" Well, I guess someone wants to make sure she doesn't get another rejection and I can understand that. God knows I've been an idiot last week. I wanted her to come with me, even then. But my pride hadn't allowed me to take her.

But this time is different. Of course I want to say bye to Mattie and tell her to get better soon. I won't see her for a long while probably, and calling just isn't the same. Especially long distance calls across the Atlantic Ocean. "I would." And I'm once again rewarded with that dazzling smile of hers that tells me I just made her happy.

"Then it's a date!" We grin at each other. Why has this become so easy all of a sudden? To just enjoy each others company and talk. I'm still holding her hand and absentmindedly I stroke her fingers. "Mattie is a great kid. And you are a good dad." I grin at her again, because I don't know what to say to that.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

**Harm's apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**Washington D.C.**

**0349 local**

Lying there next to Harm, with him stroking my fingers, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by everything that happened today. I've accepted his proposal, written my letter of resignation, decided to move to London instead of San Diego and then spent a wonderful hour making love to the one man I've loved for almost as long as I've known him.

I'm not really crying. But there are some tears forming in the corners of my eyes and I know he can see it. He is concerned as always. I can see it in his own eyes and the way his thumbs brush away my tears like they've done so often in the past. Only this time they aren't sad tears.

"Hey, what's wrong!" I snort at that and grin at him, which must look pretty confusing. "Nothing's wrong. Something is finally right." I give a short laugh. He sits up against the headboard of the bed, pulling me to him and taking me in his arms. He even makes sure we are decently covered from the waist down, which earns him another laugh.

"You wanna talk about it?" I want to. And at the same time I don't. How do you explain something like this? I never expected all of this when I drove over here this afternoon. And now I've got almost everything I ever wanted.

"I was just thinking about this… us." I more feel than see him nod. He places a soft kiss against my hair and his arm around my shoulder tightens slightly for a moment. "Yeah, it's kind of frightening, isn't it?" And I know he means more than just the fact that, relationship vise, we have covered more ground today than we have in the previous nine years.

I chuckle again. "You could certainly say that!" He takes my left hand again, and plays with my knuckles for a while neither one of us saying anything. "I will have to put a ring onto that finger." he says it softly, not quite a whisper, but not far away either. I look over at him, but he simply looks at my empty hand. I know that look and I don't like it.

"Harm, its ok. You didn't know things would happen the way they did." He looks at me and gives me a sad smile. "No, I didn't. But that doesn't change the facts." He sighs. "I've pictured myself doing this in the past, you know. But…" he trails off. I kind of get the feeling that I know what he meant to say. After all, I have imagined Harm asking me to be his wife in the past. Hundreds of times probably, especially around the time when I was with Mic and preparing my wedding to him. I had hoped so often that he would finally open his mouth and ask the one question that would have made all the difference. But he never did, no matter how much I dared him back then. He would have stood by and see me get married, no matter what.

One day we will need to have a long talk about our past and all the chances we let slip by, but not tonight. There is time for that and for the first time in a long time, I have the feeling that we are really going to have that talk.

He chuckles above my head and I have to ask him why. I'm glad that his mood has lifted again, because I don't like to see the sadness in his eyes and I've seen it too often recently. "I was just thinking. It's funny. I've pictured myself going down on one knee in front of you, dressed up in one of my fancy uniforms and presenting you with a ring, while asking for your hand." He chuckles again, and I feel a grin spreading over my features too.

"Not to mention, that I always thought it would happen after we started dating." Now I join his chuckles. Yeah, that's what I had always imagined too. But we never got to the dating. "I mean, I'm used to supersonic speed, but not in my private life." I turn in his arms and kiss him again. It feels so natural and right.

Intertwining my fingers with his again I lean up to speak, but it only comes out as a whisper. "We still could, you know?" He turns his head to look down at me and frowns. I think I lost him again. "I mean… we could go on a date…if you want." Boy I have no idea why I'm so nervous about this. After all I agreed on a marriage to this man. Why should it be so hard to go on a date?

His eyes light up at my comment and I can see something that looks like hope. "You would want to go on a date? With me?" Why do men have to be so dense? Of course I would want to go on a date and I tell him so. I earn his patented flyboy grin at that and that is all the reward I need. "Then let's go out, and do this right." Yup, but not tonight.

He nods and once again, his features turn into the tortured lines I saw earlier. "Mac, listen. I asked you earlier if…" he trails off to take a breath. "… I mean if what happened here was ok with you." Just how often will I have to tell him until he believes me? "Harm, is there any particular reason why you keep bringing this up?" I just have to know. If he thinks this was a mistake, I'm not sure I can keep breathing.

"Yes!" He looks at me and I have a hard time understanding him. I disentangle myself from him and sit up in bed, crossing my arms in front of me, partly because my own nakedness suddenly feels awkward, and partly because I need to be away from him.

"And what exactly would that be? Do you think it was a mistake?" I know my voice is harder than I intended it to be but I don't care. Who does he think he is? But I don't get to form the thoughts in my brain, because his answer to my question shatters everything I have within me. "Yes!"

Oh my god. I bolt from bed, not caring for the fact that I'm completely exposed to him. Grabbing for my clothes on the floor I rush out into what used to be his living room, pulling on my shorts and shirt hastily. Looking for where I left my shoes earlier I fumble with the laces as I pull them on, having a difficult time doing so because my fingers tremble like they have never done before and I decide to leave the laces the way they are.

I bolt for the door, but he is quick to catch up with me. By now the tears are running freely down my face and I fight against him, when he pushes the door closed after I yank it open. "Mac, listen to me. I didn't mean it like that!" He pleads with me and I don't have the strength to listen but neither do I have the strength to walk out the door against his powerful arms who still keep the door closed.

I feel his hands on my shoulder, trying to turn me around so I could face him, but I jerk away from his hands, because they hurt me where they are. I can't take this. It wasn't supposed to be like that, ever.

He gives in and just stands behind me, both of us facing the door. "I didn't mean it the way it came out." He repeats himself, even softer this time and I just can't stop the tears that are still running down my cheeks. "I don't want to fuck this up." I snort at that angrily. You have a funny way of proving that, Harmon Rabb. I don't say anything, because quite frankly, I don't trust my voice.

"This… us… means too much to me to fuck it up. But I guess I did anyway, didn't I?" I don't move a muscle. All I want is to get out of here so I can go back to my old apartment and think. "I love you, Sarah! I always have, and I always will. Never forget that." With that he turns around and walks back into his bedroom and I open the door and walk out, my car keys in my hand. I need to get away from here.

**Mac's apartment**

**Georgetown, Washington D.C.**

**0501**

It's after 0500 when I finally enter my apartment. I didn't think I would come back here. The idea had been to spend the night at Harm's and then go to the airport in the afternoon from there. I don't bother going to bed, considering the time, there is no use of that anyway. The sun is already up and beaming in through the curtains and for a moment it startles me that this is going to be another warm and sunny day in early D.C. summer.

It's kind of ironic really. The beauty is all out there and even though another sort of beauty was within my grasp for a few short hours, it feels like there is nothing left of me. Damn you, Harmon Rabb. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I should know better by now. After all these years I should be very aware of the fact that he always ends up hurting me, and each time it gets harder to put my life back together.

It was so perfect. Him telling me he loves me, a proposal that could only come from him, the perfect love making we shared. When I left his apartment, he told me he loved me. And for a strange reason I cannot really put my finger on, I believe him. I know he loves me. I even know he doesn't love me as his sister or any such thing, and not just because he told me that so many years ago. What we shared tonight wasn't the misguided attraction that had made me join Dalton back in what seems another lifetime. It was merely the honest expression of just how deeply we feel for each other. Maybe that's why this hurts so much.

My phone rings and I don't bother to get up. I don't even check caller ID, because I know who it is. When the answering machine kicks in, I hold my breath. "Mac…Sarah… it's me. I know you don't want to talk to me right now, but… I'll be in Blacksburg by 0800. Mattie would love to see you… And I'd love for you to come… maybe…maybe we can talk… if you want… I love you!" With that the connection clicks shut. I don't know what I want to do. Replaying his words from earlier I hear one part again and again.

"_Do you think it was a mistake?" – "Yes!"_

How can anything that feels so right possibly be a mistake?

Walking over to the box that I know contains my bathroom stuff, I pull out two towels and my shampoo, heading for my old bathroom. I move on autopilot, refusing to think. I fill the bathtub and make the water so hot that I can barely stand it. It's in the middle of summer and I don't think I've ever taken a bath during the summer months, but well… there is a first time for everything.

The hot water feels nice and I feel my stiff muscles relax a bit. But my mind wanders back to the events of the last couple hours, to the voice inside my head that tells me I don't know everything there is. Is he backing off again because he feels obligated? Is he afraid of what is happening? Why did all of this turn into such a nightmare in the end when it started out as the almost fairy tale?

I wake up again when I start to feel uncomfortable in the cold water. God, I must have dozed off. Yet another first time tonight. My internal clock tells me it's just barely after 0600 and that means I've been in here for over half an hour. Lifting the plug so the water can flow out, I take the two steps across my bathroom toward my shower. I don't bother to wait until the water is warm and simply step under the cold spray, welcoming it even.

When I wrap my towels around me, I realize another problem. The overnight bag I packed earlier is still at Harm's place and so is the jeans and shirt I wore over there earlier, considering I drove here in my shorts and t-shirt.

I guess there is only one way of solving that problem. I need to unpack some of my stuff. Walking into the living room I open the first box that contains clothing and pull out a comfortable jeans and shirt to wear.

Since there is no use to take another nap I repack my stuff back into the box and grab the keys for my rental car. I might as well head out for some breakfast.

**Harm's apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**Washington D.C.**

**0618 local**

It feels like I've been sitting on my bed, thinking for hours. The chances that I really did it this time are high. This time I might have destroyed our relationship and even our friendship for good. I know she was home earlier and I know she heard my message. I told her that I love her. But I don't think it's going to be enough and I haven't got an idea what to do about it.

I didn't mean exactly what I now know she heard. I didn't think our lovemaking was a mistake, I still don't. What I wanted to say was that maybe we should be taking things a bit slower, instead of rushing headfirst into it like we've been doing all evening.

I asked her to marry me mere seconds after I kissed her more or less for the first time. Of course we have shared kisses in the past. There was the bittersweet moment in Norfolk when she wore Harriet's uniform. Then there was the even more bittersweet kiss we shared at her engagement party to Mic which has haunted me ever since. But none of these moments were as important as the one tonight, when I surprised myself with asking for her hand.

Checking my watch I realize that it's time to get ready if I want to be in Blacksburg by 0800 like I told her on the phone I would. I don't linger in the shower this morning and put on the jeans and shirt that I have reserved to wear today until I need to climb my plane in the evening. I'm not sure I will see here there though.

Walking into my kitchen I find her purse and the letter she printed off last night on her computer before we packed it into a box as well. For a moment the urge to drive over to her place and talk to her is almost overwhelming. But it wouldn't be the right thing to do. She needs to decide on her own. I told her on the phone everything that she needs to know.

I grab my keys and her stuff and get on the road. It's more than an hour to Blacksburg and I want to enjoy as much time with Mattie as I can possibly get.

**Mercy Hospital**

**Blacksburg**

**Washington Area**

**0755 local**

When I finally pull into the parking lot at the hospital, my car is one of the few on the visitor's parking deck. There are only a handful of other cars, none that I know. And the one I was almost hoping to see isn't here either. It doesn't surprise me. It's my fault that things got out of hand earlier and I was in a delusion when I talked myself into seeing her here.

Mattie is awake and fumbles with her left arm impatiently, trying to get her breakfast into her mouth. I rush to her when I see her, which seems to infuriate her even more. "I can do that myself!" she claims and my suspicions are correct. My hovering does make her angry. "Good morning to you too!" I say in an attempt to appease her temper. I'm glad she can make some use of her left arm by now and I'm even proud of her to try her luck with her breakfast, because that attitude will get her to work hard on getting better. Mattie is a fighter and if anyone can pull this off, it's her.

I sit down in the chair next to her bed and simply wait for her to finish eating or to accept my help, even though I think my chances for the latter are pretty slim. Mattie Grace Johnson doesn't ask for help unless she is forced to do so. She had told me once, that relying on people only gets others hurt. I'm the living example for that.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

**Mercy Hospital**

**Blacksburg**

**Washington Area**

**0750 local**

One of these days I'll go nuts. Tea… for the millionth time… tea. How often will I have to tell these idiots that I don't want tea for breakfast? Tea is for old people or children. I'm 15 for crying out loud. The food is decent. I'm sure I've had worse. Though Harm would probably wrinkle his nose at what he calls the camping bread and dead animal approach. 'Camping bread' because it can be folded together.

Now if I could just get my uncooperative arm to do what I want it to. How difficult can it possibly be to put some butter onto that thing so I can top it with the bacon?

I look up and see Harm walking up to my room and I sigh before it happens, because I know he will try to help me. Men can be so dense and Harm, even though I have to admit he is a smart guy, is even more so, sometimes.

I snap at him when he actually tries to help me. I'm 15 years old and I've been feeding myself for almost 13 of them for sure. I can do this, even slowly, myself, thank you very much. He takes the chair next to my bed and keeps his mouth shut for once and I'm sure as hell not going to complain about that.

In a few hours he will board his plane to Europe and I won't be seeing him again. Not for a long, long time anyway. I'm kind of sad about this, but it gives me something to work toward. I promised myself that, one day, I'll visit him in London on my own feet rather than a wheelchair.

The docs are hopeful that I might regain control over my body parts again once the swelling goes away and I'm pretty impatient for that to happen. I've spent way too much time already with lying around here.

It doesn't take me long to figure out that something is seriously wrong here. Harm is considerate, but he usually doesn't manage to keep his mouth shut for long. He always tries to engage me into conversation, even or especially when I'm mad. And I'm sure as hell mad at myself right now. I'm not born for slow and the fact that my arm doesn't really comply with my wishes will drive me nuts for sure.

Well, my arm may be traitorous, but my mouth is still working fine and I can't take the silence any longer. "So, what's on your mind?" I decide on casual for a second. I can always dig for the important stuff later. And there has to be something important going on. Even though I think he wants to spend time with me before he leaves the country, I know Harmon Rabb… And the Harmon Rabb I know doesn't get up in the middle of the night to drive over an hour to Blacksburg if it can be postponed to a more reasonable time. I mean, lets face it he has practically bolted in here before visiting hours even started.

"Well, can't I visit my foster daughter and keep her company over breakfast?" Yup, he's a lawyer alright. Always sidestepping. But I know how to push his buttons and I'll try my best bet.

"So, are you and Mac alright with all this?" His eyes shadow immediately at my mentioning her name. Bingo! That's a first one for me. I never hit the target on my first attempt before. He doesn't want to talk about it, so that means there are some really big things going on here.

He gives me his 'I don't care but I care anyway'-smile and swallows hard afterwards. Always a sign. "Harm?" I raise my eyebrows and he looks back up at me. I think he even has himself under control again. Well, not for long if I get a say in this.

"Mac and I had a talk last night, went to McMurphy's for a little party and well…" Aha… there is something that happened at that party that he isn't telling me… yet. "Did you finally make use of that big mouth of yours and told her that you love her?" He starts fidgeting on his chair and I know I just hit another bullseye. He doesn't comment on it, other than the obvious fidgeting though. "Well, I actually came here to see how you were doing, not to talk about me."

I grin at him. By now he should know that this doesn't work on me. "Yeah, but your life is a lot more interesting right now and since I'm the girl in the hospital I get to call the shots. You know, dads are not supposed to deny anything to kids in hospitals."

"Mattie, please. I don't want to talk about it, ok?" He looks at me and I can see that he has stooped to pleading already. Wow, it must be worse than I thought. Usually he puts up a fight for at least a while, before he starts pleading with me to stop talking about the topic he doesn't want to broach.

"Too bad, you are going to anyway!" He sighs and starts carefully. "Ok, what do you want to know?" Now that is a stupid question; everything of course. "Well, for the time being you could start by telling me why you look like you've been run over by a truck and just why you don't want to talk about Mac and you!"

Leaning back in his chair, he makes the final attempt to get out of this. "You know, I've talked to the judge yesterday, and she said that your dad isn't…" I stop him mid sentence. I already know what the damn judge said, he told me on the phone yesterday and I don't need a parrot. "Harmon Rabb junior! Stop it right there. I want to know what happened to make you so sad. And you've got two chances here, sailor! You either spit it out, or I'm going to squeeze it out of you. You know I can. Your choice now. And don't tell me you look like that because of me. You know I won't buy that. "

He slumps in his chair. Who would have thought, a guy of 6" something is able to look so small all of a sudden. The things that happened before he came here really must weigh heavily on his conscience and I start to get worried about him. Instead of talking, he reaches inside his jacket and pulls out a folded piece of paper and hands it over.

I fumble for the remote control for my bed and slightly elevate the headrest so I can read it more easily. I know the nurses don't like it when I do this, but hey, it's my back and I know when it starts hurting and when not.

I scan the contents shortly and gasp when I read the subject heading. I frown when I read the name of Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie though. She resigned her commission? Is that why he is so devastated?

Harm has meanwhile wandered over toward the window, staring out into the hospital park below. "What does this mean?" Harm doesn't turn back to me. "She was going to come to London with me." He whispers so low, that I have a hard time hearing him at all. "Huh?" It is our established word for indicating that I can't follow him. I mean I know for a fact, that Mac was supposed to go to San Diego and get her own command or something.

He comes over and slumps down in his chair once again. But he doesn't offer any further explanation. I put the letter of resignation on my lap and look over at him again. "Ok, Harm. I don't get it. Mac resigned her commission and she was going to come to London with you?" He nods and again slowly, he doesn't say anything. Instead he stares at an imaginary point on the floor.

So he must have told her finally… only took him what? Nine years? But why is he like this when he finally has her in his life? "Wait a minute. You said she WAS going to come to London with you? As in… she isn't going to come?" He doesn't say anything again. "Harm, would you please start making sense?" I know I'm losing my patience. But hey, I'm a teenager and we've got every right in the book to be impatient.

"Mattie, look. This is complicated ok? Let it go!" The pleading eyes again. He really should know better than that. "The hell I will!" He averts his eyes again and gets up to pace the room. I let him for a while, because I think he is gathering his thoughts.

When he finally turns around toward me again, he slowly rubs his hands together and considers me for a second, before he walks back toward the window in my room. "Mac came by my place yesterday, we talked." I turn around as well as I can, but it's not much. If he keeps standing there I won't be able to look at him. Maybe he doesn't want me to and that's alright as long as he keeps talking, at least for now.

But he doesn't keep talking. "And?" He is silent for a while and I prompt again. "I asked her to marry me." Now that is a surprise. Did I just hear that? "And she said yes?" He comes walking towards my bed again and sits down on the edge. "We realized a marriage would mean one of us had to give up their careers." Right, I had forgotten about that. Mac was supposed to go to San Diego.

"So she said no?" Doesn't make much sense if she had agreed to come to London with him especially since she already typed up her letter of resignation. "We flipped a coin!" And just what does that mean? "Harm, could you do me a favor? I know you are infamous for your brilliant speeches, which means you are capable of talking in complete sentences. Would you please start making sense? Take a deep breath and let it out already, you're giving me a headache!"

He takes a deep breath and to my surprise he really starts filling me in on the last 24 hours. Maybe I finally got to him, and maybe – and more likely – he really wants to talk to someone. "As I said, Mac came to me, we talked, I asked her to marry me, we flipped a coin and she printed her letter of resignation. We packed up our apartments and she spent the night with me." Ok, so far there is nothing in the mix that would cause too much trouble… I think. Though I guess with Harm it's always possible that he left out some important twists and turns. "Then we woke up early this morning, we started talking again and then she left." That last part is just barely a whisper again and I can see it in his eyes. The last part hurts him, bad.

What exactly had they talked about? So far it sounds like a pretty smooth operation to me. But there just has to be a bombshell, because there certainly was an explosion somewhere in this. I raise my eyebrows at him again, indicating that he should go on. "Mac asked me if I thought her spending the night was a mistake… and I said yes." He looks down at his hands now, because I'm sure he knows what my reaction will be.

Just how dumb can anyone be? "Excuse me? Have you lost your mind?" He snorts at that, but not in humor. "Obviously. As I said, it's complicated." Hmmm, I don't think so. It's pretty simple to me. "Harm, look at me." He lifts his head to do that. "Why did you say it was a mistake?"

He considers that for a moment before he opens his mouth again in a frustration I've rarely seen him in. And boy does this hit me hard and his voice is definitely not a whisper this time. Shout would be the better word for it. "Gee, what do you think? Mac and I have spent nine years dancing around each other, one step forward, two steps back. Then we decide to get married, practically prepare to move in together by this time tomorrow and spend a night together. All that in less than 24 hours!"

Well, I admit it does sound a bit much. "Uh… I guess you had a pretty tight schedule there." I consider his outburst for a second and I think I can put it together now. "So… you think it was a bit too fast? Especially her spending the night – in your bed one assumes?" He turns a nice shade of pink at that and snorts again, as if to say 'Gee, you think?'. "And I hope you told her that in these words?"

"No he didn't!" We both jerk around at the voice and looking over to the door of my hospital room, I see another face in just as much torment.

**Mercy Hospital**

**Blacksburg**

**Washington Area**

**0814 local**

I hear them talking before I turn the corner. There aren't many people on the floor yet, other than the hospital staff. I don't really mean to listen in on them, but I can't help myself. And then I hear a 15-year-old girl squeezing it out of him. Mattie is a bright girl and after this I'm no longer surprised about the fact that he has grown up so much over the last two years.

I step into the door just as she asks him if he has told me why he considered our lovemaking a mistake, but they don't see me. Mattie is focused on Harm and he is practically shouting it back at her. When I hear the words it hits me like a ton of bricks.

They both jerk around when I make my presence known. Harm looks defeated and tired, and Mattie doesn't know if she should beam her bright smile at me or glower. She settles on the first one for the time being.

"Hey Mac, come on in. We were just talking about you." I give her a small smile. "Yeah, I'm sure they heard it downstairs in the cafeteria, too." I can see Harm shifting his weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably and he moves a second chair next to Mattie's bed so I can sit down.

"Uh, Harm? Can you do me a favor?" she turns to him. And he nods. I can almost see some sort of relief in his features. Right about now, he wants to be anywhere but here. Not that I didn't expect that. But this is Harmon Rabb for you. "Can you go downstairs to the cafeteria and bring me a coffee? They got me tea again!" She makes it sound like tea was the most disgusting liquid on the planet. "Mattie, you shouldn't drink so much coffee and you know it. You'll stop growing!" I smile inwardly. Harm really is a health nut.

She sighs and takes his hand in hers, squeezing it. Then she looks at him as if he were a two-year-old. "Harm, I want you to go downstairs so I can talk to Mac about you behind your back." She smiles sweetly at him, and I'm stunned. If I didn't know better, I wouldn't believe that the young girl in front of us was only 15.

Harm looks at me for a second and I nod my head in acceptance. Two against one really isn't fair, but he sighs and walks to the door anyway. "And make sure you take the long journey down there!" she calls after him.

Before I can brace myself for what comes next, she turns toward me expectantly. "So… since we won't have much time, we will postpone the hugs and all that for later." She looks at me carefully and I get the feeling I'm a witness sitting on the stand. And she really doesn't waste any time. "First question: Do you think Harm loves you?"

I'm taken aback by that question. For all I expected, this certainly wasn't it. And I'm so short away from telling her to mind her own business, but I decide to play along for now. "I think so, yes!" My voice sounds a bit exasperated, even to me, but she either doesn't care or decides to overlook it on purpose. She gives me a small smile. "Good, that makes things easier. Second question: Do you love him?" Wow, she really cuts right down to the core. I don't really want to, but I answer in the positive again.

She looks at me for a while after that and I suppose she tries to put together her next move. "Mac, I want to ask you something… but…" She is out of words? Doesn't know how to say it? I can hardly believe that. I nod my consent anyway. I'm sure declining her wish would only change her tactics, not her question. She sure would make one hell of a lawyer one day.

"Are you going to London with him?" Yet another question that I didn't expect. What am I supposed to say to that? Right now I don't know what I'll do. I know what I would like to do. But is it really appreciated and welcomed? I'm not sure.

She doesn't let me answer. I guess my silence is already enough to show her that I have my doubts. "Mac, listen to me. When I asked you why Harm signed my petition papers just like that without appearing to be sad or hurt, you told me, that this is Harm being Harm. You told me, that he cares for me deeply and that his signature on these papers didn't mean he loved me any less." She lets that hang there for a moment and I nod to show that I can follow her. I really told her that back then, and I know I was right with it.

"You heard us earlier, right?" I nod again. How could I not have heard what he practically shouted at her? "Then you know that whatever happened over at his place this morning wasn't meant to push you away!" I look down at my hands again, playing with my fingers. Rationally I know she is right, Harm had never meant to push me away. I heard proof of that earlier. And I know he wouldn't dare lying to Mattie.

"So, I ask you again… will you go to London tonight?" I'm speechless. Yes, I want to go to London. I want to hope that Harm and I can make it work. I want that happy end for us. But I can't find the words to say that out loud. And I'm still not sure about what I'm going to do.

Suddenly she throws up her left arm in exasperation. "Just how many chances do you guys think you can fuck up before you finally start growing up? You are more than twice as old as I am and you guys claim I'M the teenager!" I'm kind of surprised at the outburst. Not at the words, but sure as hell at the tone of voice. My instincts urge me to tell her to shut the fuck up and keep her voice down in a respectful manner; after all she isn't talking to one of her school-friends. But the fury in her eyes stops me cold.

When I hear Harm re-entering the room, I'm saved from any answer I might have wanted to give. He looks at me and I can still see his discomfort. Mattie stares at me and then at him. "You know what? You two get the hell out of here. Talk to each other and – and that is even more important: I want you to listen to each other. Really listen. I'm sick of watching the two of you like this. Go outside. Get some air or something. I've been told it's warm out there. And don't you dare coming back without good news!"

With that she turns around and pretty much ignores us. I look at Harm who still stands there with his hand on his hip and his other hand holding the coffee cup, unsure what to do.

He finally sighs and shakes his head sadly. Without a word he walks outside. I sit there for another minute before I get up slowly. When I turn the corner outside Mattie's room, I see him squatting on the floor, his back to the wall, head in his hands. I feel for him and sit down next to him.

We sit like this for a while. I'm not even sure he acknowledges my presence. He never moved when I sat down next to him. "I heard you earlier." It just slips out before I can decide to block it. Why is it that with this man so many things happen without me making a conscious decision about it? I really hate that part about our relationship.

I don't say more. I'm not sure what, and no other rush of words has yet decided to leave my mouth without permission to do so. After a while he pulls his head back and leans it against the wall, moving his legs in front of him, so he sits like me. I suppose his knees started to burn or something. "I know." Hmm… he knows. Of course I know that he is aware of me hearing what he said to Mattie earlier. I would have had to be deaf not to.

"Did you mean it? That you only wanted to slow things down a bit?" I already know the answer to that. It makes sense too. In a way I know he is right, but still it hurt to hear him say that our lovemaking had been wrong. "Yes!" I take his hand in mine and he doesn't fight me, which is good.

He doesn't turn his head towards me or even squeezes my hand. We just sit there for another 4 minutes and 37 seconds before he speaks again. "I don't want to fuck this up, Mac. I don't think I can live without you if this doesn't work out. Last night was a wonderful experience. It was everything I ever dreamed of and more and I want to experience it again sometime. But I think we need to slow this down." He holds up our joined hands and makes sure I know what he means. I have to agree with him on that point. I don't know if I could live without him either.

"So what now?" His question is so low I'm not sure I even heard him. He is still grasping my hand in his, though his grip has tightened. My head rests on his shoulder and his head rests on mine. "Do you still want me to come with you?" And again I cannot help myself. I need to know if he wants me there or not. And I pray to god, that he won't say no. I couldn't take that.

**Mercy Hospital**

**Blacksburg**

**Washington Area**

**0845 local**

As we sit there with our hands joined and her head on my shoulder, I feel warmth spread over me like a blanket. It feels good holding her like that, and it kind of feels like she was made to fit to my side like this. I enjoy the moment and I like to think I'm not the only one.

She asks me if I want her to come to London. I don't want her to be there. Being honest to myself I need her to be there. Want is just not a strong enough word. But there are always two people in such a thing and I want to leave her the choice. I'm not foolish enough again to speak in half truths like this morning. I don't want another misunderstanding standing between us, so I choose my words carefully.

"I want you to do what you think is best for you, Mac. I want you to be happy." I hear her take in a gasp but I go on before she can run again. "But if you decide to accompany me to London, I'd be the happiest man of all. So yes, I would like for you to come. But it has to be your decision, not mine." There, I've said my piece. I send a prayer to the powers above that she won't decide against this, against us.

"Harmon Rabb, I don't know what it is about you. I'm drawn to you like a moth to the flame and no matter how hard I flap my arms, I always end up with you. We are quite a pair, aren't we?"

She hasn't said yes or no yet. But she doesn't sound like she doesn't want this, us, either, right? "I'll come. After all there is a wedding to plan!" And I release a breath I hadn't even realized that I've been holding it. Drawing her in my arms I kiss her, and not just a friendly peck. I kiss her full and force and I don't care who sees us or who thinks this is inappropriate on the floor of a hospital. I just need to make her feel how I feel about her, about this and nothing else matters.

I grin at her and I know I look goofy like that. But this is happiness, and for a strange reason she is my flame and I'm drawn to her the same way she is drawn to me. "So we are ok?" She grins back at me and rests her head against mine. "We are certainly better than before. But Harm, there are a lot of things we need to work out between us, and we will need some time for that. I don't want to repeat today again. I promise to listen to you, if you promise to be honest with me!"

I'm not capable of more than a nod in order to agree. She is right. We are quite a pair and only time will tell what else we are. And I've got all the confidence in the world about that. Because no matter what, after everything that's happened to us, we are still here, holding onto each other.

We sit there for a while longer and after a while I ask her what made her decide to come here after all. For a long moment she doesn't answer and I start to believe she won't answer at all. But then she tells me that she was originally heading out for breakfast and that she somehow ended up here. I guess that's the moth and flame thing.

**Mercy Hospital**

**Blacksburg**

**Washington Area**

**1002 local**

I hate hospitals. What else can one do here besides watch TV and go crazy? This place is really going to do it to me one of these days. I check the clock above the door. Again. They've been gone for over an hour and they are still nowhere to be seen. I wonder where they are. Maybe it's even a good thing that I don't see either of them, because that means they are probably still talking. And they need to.

Leave it to Harm and Mac to get together only to fuck it up shortly after. I'll never understand these two. Anybody not blind can see that they love each other and have done that for a while. Hell, when I first saw them together that night Harm brought her to Jen and my apartment, I thought they look like an old married couple together.

It's almost 10.15 when they finally turn around the corner, holding hands. I breath a sigh of relief at that and I just know I cannot hide my big smile. I grin to myself when I take in their sheepish looks as they enter my room and take their seats in front of my bed.

I look at them expectantly and if they don't start talking right now I'm going to explode. And I'm not far away from that, the fuse on this particular bombshell is already burning. "So?" It's never a mistake to propel things forward, especially not in their case.

They both grin at me. I don't want their grins, but their verification that everything is ok with them. "We'll both sit on that plane to London in the afternoon." Yes! I feel like dancing, but yeah, not going to happen. "This is great!" And I motion for them to come closer so I can hug them both.

"You know, Mac, I was afraid that you would actually send him to the Brits on his own. God only knows what kind of trouble he would end up in." Harm feigns shock at that but we both know every word I say is true.

Mac grins at both him and me and takes his hand again. "Yeah, and we wouldn't want that now, would we?" She moves over and pecks him on the cheek and I almost burst into a laughing fit when he turns a nice shade of pink. I never thought a man his age could blush like a High School student because of a simple peck on the cheek.

Mac sees it too and I can see how she too is fighting to hold in her laughter. "Yeah, burst out laughing at Harm, why won't you?" Harm says and now Mac can't hold it in any longer and starts giggling. I join in and Harm claims to be fuming, but I know he isn't. It's good to see both of them like that, considering how they came in here this morning.

I'm not stupid enough to think they are out of the woods yet, but I think they can at least see the end of the tunnel. And I hope and pray to the gods above that they will reach it together.

"So, what happens now? Do you guys already have any plans?" I mean, Harm did say something about getting married earlier, right? And it's not like I expect them to have set a date while they were out talking, but a girl can always hope.

Harm gives her a small smile before he turns to me again. "Well, we will both take our plane in the late afternoon and then we will take it one day at a time." It's really good to hear that, even though it's not as satisfying as I want it to be. It will have to be enough for now, though.

Just in that moment my physician comes in and asks Harm to come outside for a minute, which leaves me alone with Mac once again. "You're going to take good care of him, right?" She snorts at that in humor. "I'm only one woman, Mattie. It takes a lot to keep him in check." I wave my hand at that. I'm not worried about that, not with Mac; and I tell her so. "He only needs a firm hand. And you've got my trust there!"

"You seem to be happy!" Of course I am happy. Why shouldn't I be? I mean, my situation is pretty much sobering, thank you very much. But seeing Harm happy like this is almost as if all of the rest doesn't matter so much anymore. At least for now. "Yeah. It's good to see you two laugh again. I was so worried earlier. When he came in here even before visiting hours started, he looked pretty beat up."

She only acknowledges that with a nod. I can't quite shake the feeling that there is something on her mind and I decide to broach that subject. She sighs and takes a deep breath before she starts talking quietly. "Are you really ok with Harm and me?" I can see that it really bothers her.

I turn around as much as my body allows me and regard her closely. "Why wouldn't I be? Mac, Harm loves you. I've known that for a while now. Everyone did I guess. I was a bit angry at you earlier for hurting him, but I don't claim to know all the pieces to the puzzle that is your relationship and I'm happy for Harm, for both of you actually. I've learned pretty early, that Harm is more or less a two-person-package. You are very special to him, you know?"

She smiles a shy smile that I haven't seen before yet. I really need to get to know her better. All I know about her I know from Harm and that is not a very objective source of information. "Yeah, I guess I know that." She is silent for a while and stares at an imaginary spot on my bedcovers. "He is to me, too." I can't help but grin at her. They are on a good way.

When Harm comes in again, I pursue them to play a round of 'Don't get angry'. I like playing with Harm, because he always shows his childish side in doing so and I know how much he hates it when he doesn't win. I'll really miss him when he's gone. Phone calls are just not the same and this place is even worse when I know he won't come to visit anymore.

Before I know it, it's time for them to leave so they can get ready for their flight. After all it's pretty far to drive from here to Washington and I don't want them to rush. "Mac, remember what I told you earlier. He needs a firm hand." Mac bursts into laughter at that, and Harm stands there with his mouth gaping open. "Don't I know it!" is her reply. "Get better soon. And I really meant what I told you a while ago, too. I really want to get to know you better." She hugs me goodbye, and I welcome it. It's going to be nice getting to know her better. Mac then leaves the room, so Harm and I can have some privacy and I'm grateful for that as well.

"She's really special. Don't fuck this up, Harm. You won't find that anywhere anytime soon!" He looks out toward where Mac is reading some info board and gives me a knowing smile. I don't need more than that. I know him pretty well by now and there just aren't any words required.

"You promise to be good and do what the docs here tell you, right?" I smile for him. "Sure, will do, if you promise to send me a wedding invitation soon!" I try to look stern but I can see he doesn't quite buy it and he ruffles my hair in that way I find really annoying. "Deal! Though I promise, there won't be any wedding as long as you aren't there to support me. God knows I'll need it." We both chuckle and I'm glad that this isn't one of these teary eyed goodbyes. I really hate those.

I also know Harm wants to keep things light for me. He too gives me a final hug and I return it hard. I really am going to miss him. "I'll call you everyday. I promise. And I'll call in with the doctors. Dr. Daniels assured me earlier, that he will notify me as soon as you're going to be cleared to fly east and I'll have a couple friends help you pack your stuff. And then you'll come and stay with Mac and me, ok?" I nod numbly. I know it's going to take a couple months until I'll be boarding anything but an elevator here at the hospital. But the prospect of going to London and being with Harm and Mac does look good. It will give me something to work for.

Harm releases me and looks at me intently again. "I've got to go, kiddo." I know. I smile for him again, and playfully shove him off the side of my bed where he's been sitting for the last couple minutes. "And don't fuck up again!" I can't help my big mouth. I just have to remind him again. He gives me another tight smile and the thumbs up.

He walks to the door but before he crosses the threshold he turns around again. "Stay out of trouble!" And there it is again, that famous self-confident flyboy grin of his that I'm sure won him many girls in his wild days. I grin back at him and give him my own thumbs up, though with my left arm instead of my right of course.

Then they are gone, and before I know it there are a few tears running down my cheeks.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

**Harm's apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**Washington D.C.**

**1427 local**

I look around Harm's apartment. Even though he told me he would keep it for visits back here, I think it will never be the same again. This place has been filled with so many memories over the years. It won't be the same without the cluttered kitchen he had stocked with almost everything a cook could ask for, or the pictures of the people that were important in his life on the book shelf over by the door.

When he reappears from the bathroom I hold my breath. There was a good reason why we decided to go in separately. Even in his khakis Harm is always a tempting sight. I swear what that uniform does to him should be considered illegal. I should be thankful he didn't choose the whites though, I guess.

He flashes his grin at me and I just roll my eyes in return. Better not get into this right now. I dress quickly in a pair of comfortable pants and a blouse. We don't know what the weather will be like in London, so I pack a pullover into my hand baggage.

We are on a tight schedule. I gave back my rental earlier on our way home from Blacksburg but I have yet to hand in my resignation to General Cresswell, besides Harm needs to go by JAG ops as well to make sure Bud and Coates aren't going to have a problem in the next couple days.

I never thought I'd feel this comfortable handing in my resignation. The last time I did it I had had a heavy heart and felt nervous and uncomfortable days before. This time, there is no such feeling. It kind of surprises me. I always thought, the day I would take off my Marine Green would be a sad one. But no matter how hard I look into myself, all I can come up with is a strange excitement and a calmness that comes with the anticipation of what will be my future.

**Andrews Air Force Base**

**Maryland**

**1645 local**

I can't believe it. They are all here. Bud, Harriet, the kids, Mikey, Jen Coates and even General Cresswell came to see us off. It's kind of funny even, considering that in a few days, most of the guys here will board a plane just like Mac and me.

In a way I'll miss Washington and JAG. I've been here for longer than I ever was anywhere before and every new beginning brings at least some sadness with it. On the other hand I take all the important people with me, the most important one currently holding my hand against military regulation. Our luggage has been loaded earlier already, which leaves us a bit time with our friends.

"You know General, if I'd known you would come here, I wouldn't have come to headquarters to hand in my resignation." Mac is in a good mood and joking. I had been a bit uncomfortable earlier when we walked out of JAG for the last time. I know she said she was ok with giving up the Marines. But still it is a funny thought of her as a civilian.

Cresswell waves his hand at her comment and I can see he has a hard time hiding his smirk. I don't know. Serving under Cresswell is just not the same as serving under AJ Chegwidden. With that Marine you never know where you stand, and just when I think I've figured him out, he turns around and I start all over again. Though, I have to admit, he was pretty decent about the whole thing with Mac and me. "I still hate to see you go, Colonel. But I guess I do understand… to a certain extend."

He turns to me and wishes me good luck in London, which I appreciate. I know I'll need to come back here every once in a while, but mostly, I'll be able to make my own decisions about things. And considering we live in the 21st century, many reports will be made by e-mail and phone.

It's almost time for me and Mac to board the C-40 that will take us to Heathrow. I shake hands with Bud and tell him to take his time with the moving, knowing he and Harriet have a whole house to pack and four kids to look after while doing so.

Harriet holds baby Nicky on her arm and I admire the little girl for sleeping so peacefully considering what is going on around her with all the grownups and chatter. "She does the right thing!" I refer to the sleeping infant, and Harriet grins. "Yeah, sleeping now and keeping me awake tonight in return. Nicky and her brother aren't playing fair." I can just imagine that. One day I'm hoping to share these things too. Being up all night with a baby and all that fuss. Who knows what the future holds? About 24 hours ago I didn't even think it would hold a happy end for me and Mac and yet it does.

The airman responsible for the boarding waves at us to get a move on, and I hug Harriet goodbye before giving Mac the opportunity to do the same. "We'll see you in London!" With that I take Mac's hand in mine again and walk her to the gangway of the plane.

On top of the stairs, just before entering the plane, I turn around a last time and look out over to the city that was my home for so long. I sigh and Mac grins at me. "You are just jealous that you won't be at the helm of that flight, Captain." I grin back at her. I know she wants to tease me, and I return it with my own joke. "Mac, I'm used to fly Tomcats or even Hornets… not whales." I know I could if I had to, but I'm pretty happy to let the Air Force guys do their job on this one.

She slaps my shoulder and rolls her eyes before she walks away towards our seats. The plane is almost full, many of the guys and women on board will only spend about a day in London before they board another plane to Afghanistan, Iraq or wherever it is they are going. I don't envy any of them. Sure, they are young and full of fire. In a way I'm still passionate about my job, too. I love what I do. But I've seen my fair share of combat, whether in the air or on the floor. And I can't say I really miss that.

We both get comfortable on our seats and I help her strap herself in, which earns me an annoyed look. "Just wanted to make sure the woman I love is safe." I can't stop myself from whispering in her ear. Right now I wouldn't care for anything, because I know she is here with me and that takes a bit of the enormity away from the fact that this is a pretty big step. For both of us.

It doesn't take long before we start taxiing toward the runway and when the feeling of the plane speeding up puts a light pressure on me and presses me into my seat I smile like I always do when a plane with me on board takes off. There aren't many things that are better than the few seconds when you know the plane has almost reached the required speed and a slight tug at the controls will lift you off. And then we are airborne, climbing into the sky over Washington D.C. and we both look out the little window and watch as the city beneath us becomes smaller and smaller.

Mac rests her head on my shoulder after a while, and looking down on her, I can see she has fallen asleep. What is it with this woman? Whenever we are on a plane, she will start dropping off almost as soon as we are in the air. Her head always kind of ends up on my shoulder and while I sometimes had problems with her so close to me in the past, I enjoy it this time.

We are way above the Atlantic Ocean when she finally starts stirring against me. I admit I dozed off for a while as well. After all it has been a rough couple days and neither Mac nor I got too much sleep last night. But sleeping on planes is not really my cup of coffee. My back started complaining a while ago but I didn't want to move, knowing I would wake her up.

"Hey sleepyhead!" She yawns and looks out the little window. "Wow, I didn't think I'd sleep that long." I chuckle. Mac and her internal clock… yet she seems to forget, that we are flying east, which means she didn't exactly sleep that long, considering we will be in the air for several hours more. "Not that long." I assure her. After all, it's only been little under four hours since we took off at Andrews.

I stretch myself a little and change my sitting position slightly to ease my back a bit. "Trouble?" Her concerned brown eyes look at me and I can see she is ready to help with whatever I need. "No, but my back reminds me that I'm no longer 25." Ever since that last punch out the night before her wedding my back hasn't been the same. Sure, I'm cleared for flight status and all that. There is no permanent damage to my spine or vertebrae that would keep the docs from waving me through their office. But the slight discomfort I always get when sitting in the same position for too long is nevertheless a reminder of that night in the Ocean.

Mac gives me a sheepish grin and tells me, I'm not even 35 any longer. I bite my tongue so I won't remind her that she isn't 35 anymore either. I don't want to rouse that kind of conversation. At least not here. Instead I chuckle and let her know that I take her comment with humor.

She snuggles her head back onto my shoulder and I take her hand in mine. It feels good sitting here like this. We don't talk. In my mind, the thoughts of what happened during the last couple days and the thoughts of what I want to happen in our future combine and I have to fight hard against the smile that threatens to split my face. I have so many plans right now. And most of them don't include my job. Sure I'm going to enjoy that too, I guess. It's an excellent position to further my career. But all of that wouldn't be worth a Dime if not for the woman next to me.

**London Heathrow Airport**

**Borrow of Hillington**

**London, UK**

**0710**

Boy am I glad to get off that plane. It feels like forever since I last saw a bed and got some proper sleep and all I want now is to lie down somewhere and get some well deserved rest. Looking over at Harm I can see the deep circles underneath his eyes too. He gives me a tired smile and I know he is just as exhausted as I am.

I've never been to London before. At least not the city. I've seen more of Heathrow over the years than I care to admit, though. I'm definitely not going on any sightseeing tours today.

We grab our luggage and head for the gate, where we are awaited by a pretty excited Lieutenant.

Harm groans next to me when he spots her and I squint my eyes. I've only met her once in San Diego when she was practically fawning all over Vukovic. I just hope that he won't be here too. "Good morning, Captain, Ma'am. I'm Lieutenant Catherine Graves. It's nice to see you again." Harm gives her a friendly smile but I can see he is slightly irritated. "Good to see you too, Lieutenant." I have the sinking feeling that this is going to be interesting at least.

Graves immediately takes our hand luggage and moves towards the exit, all the while chattering. "I'm so happy to be working with you again, Captain. Of course you'll need some time to find your way around, but this city is sooo amazing. And just wait until you come to the office. Lots of cool people all around. I can hardly ask for a more exciting job. Of course it's not San Diego where the weather is concerned, but this place is just filled with so much history and all that, you'll love it, I'm sure. I'll drive you to your temporary quarters. I was a bit surprised when the General asked to assign you quarters suitable for two people. But well I guess it's understandable now… " She motions between the two of us and I roll my eyes again.

She keeps babbling while walking ahead of us and Harm looks at me with his eyebrow raised. "This is going to be a long drive…" I nod. Someone should tell the Lieutenant, that people who just spent almost nine hours on a plane don't want to listen to so much crap.

When I see the car we approach I can only stare for a moment. I've never been picked up by a limo before. When Harm steps closer, the Petty Officer snaps to attention and Harm returns the salute quickly. We both climb in at the backseat and I have to stifle a yawn. I really need some place to sleep. I was actually looking forward to just dozing again on the ride to wherever it will be that Harm and I will stay for the time being, but unfortunately the young Lieutenant decides to ride in the back with us.

"I was assigned your personal assistant, sir and I'll show you around the office this afternoon after you've had some time to refresh and get some rest. You'll have a meeting with the ambassador first thing tomorrow morning and a conference with your staff before noon. But before all that, I'll show you to your quarters of course." Of course… and if we sit in this car for much longer, I'm sure she would also tell him his schedule for all next week. I realized before that tuning her out is not in the cards. But well, maybe it's just the fact that I'm dead on my feet by now.

"Thank you, Lieutenant. I appreciate the effort." He sounds like he is slightly annoyed and I can understand that feeling completely. The blonde Lieutenant kind of reminds me of Bud in his early days at JAG. "No problem, sir." Harm nods again and tells her to take a breath every now and then which seems to throw her off stride for a moment. I grin inwardly. Looking at Harm he gives me a grin.

Graves has finally shut up, yet it seems forever until we finally reach our quarters. She asks Harm if she should come in with us, but Harm politely takes the keys from her hands and tells her not to bother. I'm glad he does, because I don't know if I can take another round of her ramblings. She means well, and she is a friendly young woman, but right now, all I want is a shower and a bed.

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**0755 local**

Entering the apartment Mac makes a beeline through the hallway and walks straight to the bathroom. I'll never guess how women do that. Especially Mac always seems to know where the bathroom is wherever she is. I follow her with our luggage and find, that even though the flat has furniture, there is only one bed here. It's a queen size sure, but I'm not sure what Mac will say about this.

She returns only moments later and we both stare at the bed, but I don't want this to turn out like the last time and decide to take a shower and then go and have a closer look at that couch in the living room across the hall.

She looks at me with raised eyebrows and I grin. "No worries. I'll take the couch, you get the bed. You look like you need it." I step closer to her and draw a line across her cheek with my thumb. She has pretty dark circles under her eyes and I know I'm partially responsible for that. Kissing her shortly on the lips, I send her to the bathroom, while I take the covers and the pillow over to the living room.

I'm lucky. The sofa is long enough so it fits most of me and with the bedcovers and the pillow it looks as though I could survive this. I'm not sure what Mac thought when she saw that there was only one bed in the apartment, but I think staying away from her in such an intimate proximity is the best thing for both of us right now. I know I can't guarantee that I'll be able to keep my hands to myself.

Mac calls for me just when I finish taking off my uniform and putting it on a hanger. I hold my breath when she walks out of the bathroom, wrapped only in a towel. Another time with her coming out of the shower in a towel comes to my mind and I quickly avert my eyes before I embarrass myself. "Sorry, I forgot my shirt and shorts out here." She gives me that sheepish smile of hers and I believe her.

I wave my hand at that, trying to look indifferent and businesslike. "You about finished in there?" When she nods I take my own towel and head for the shower. I turn the water as hot as I can stand and let it cascade over my aching back for a while. I brush my teeth and then take a deep breath. I knock on the door that would lead out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. I don't want to waltz in there with her not yet dressed or anything.

"It's safe, come in." I grin at her when I see she is properly covered in shirt and shorts, her hair sticking in all directions from toweling it. She is still trying to fight her hair with a brush and without thinking I step up towards her and take the brush from her hands, soothing her wild strands. I kind of like the way she wears her hair now. And now that she is civilian, she will be able to wear it open instead of in a tight bun that made her look so stern.

It's nice to feel the strands cascade through my fingers as I brush over it. When I think she is satisfied I return the brush with a grin and she ruffles my still wet hair with her fingers, wrinkling her nose when her action splatters little droplets everywhere. "Come on, sailor. Let me help you with that." She takes the towel from my neck and wraps my head in it, rubbing hard. "There, all done."

We look at each other uncomfortably. She brushes my lips lightly and then turns around to slip under her covers. "Good night, Harm." I walk to the door and turn around to take another look at her. "Good night, ninja girl." With that I slip through the door but I don't close it. I walk over to my sofa and settle down. I'm so tired it doesn't take long for sleep to catch up on me.

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**0755 local**

When we enter the apartment I make a straight line to the bedroom, suspecting the bathroom would be right next to it. I'm not disappointed. I sigh when I see the queen sized bed in the room. I know for a fact, that these apartments don't come with a second bedroom which means this is the only bed we will have. I decide to worry about that when the time comes, because right now I'll take a shower come hell or high water.

When I get off the shower I curse to myself. How stupid can one single person be? Taking a shower without taking my clothes with me. I must be more tired than I thought. I walk outside into the bedroom and Harm looks at me funny. I bet I don't want to know where his thoughts go right now, and this really isn't what we need… It's going to be hard enough without me practically parading in front of him in nothing but a towel.

I see that he has already taken the second set of bedcovers. He is going to sleep on the sofa. I would offer him to take the bed, but I already know he won't go for it. He just always has to play the gentleman.

He comes out of the bathroom just when I start brushing my hair, which seems to go in all possible and impossible directions now. It doesn't take long before I feel him behind me and I hold my breath when he takes the hair brush out of my hand gently. I suck in a gasp when he starts brushing my hair for me, letting it slide through his fingers as he works his way around. It feels so nice, and if it weren't for the promise of taking it slow, I'd turn around and beg him to forget about reason. But I stand my ground. I don't think he means this to be a sexual tease or anything. This is just Harm being Harm.

I'm glad and sad at the same time when he's finished. And after I rub his own hair dry, I kiss him goodnight, keeping it light on purpose. I don't want a repetition of the last night we spent together. He walks out the door and I make myself at home with the bed.

It doesn't take long for sleep to lull me in.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**1447 local**

I wake up and my eyes need a short time to focus. For a moment I have to rethink where I am. Considering the fact that I've been sleeping in a foreign bed, I feel very relaxed and refreshed. Sleeping for over six hours straight feels really good.

Knowing Harm has to be at his office by 1600, I pad over to the living room so I can wake him up. Knowing him, he was too tired to set an alarm. I smile when I walk into the slightly darkened living room. He is sprawled on his stomach, the blanket has slipped down to his waist and the shirt has somehow moved its way up to the middle of his back. His left arm hangs to the floor and his right supports his head, the pillow obviously gone MIA sometime ago. He looks really cute that way.

But, as interesting as the sight is, I need to wake him up. I crouch down beside him and brush my lips against his. It doesn't surprise me, when he responds after a few seconds. For a moment we both let ourselves be swamped away by the kiss that threatens to get out of control within seconds. I release him unwillingly, but knowing I must. "Hey" He greets me with sleepy and slightly puffy eyes. "If you want to meet your new colleagues, you better get up. I suppose your driver will be here soon."

He nods and starts to get up, wincing slightly as he does so. "When did Graves say they'd pick me up?" I almost burst into a laugh at that. Leave it to Harm to forget about his appointments. "She said the driver will be here by 1530 which gives you exactly 35 minutes to get dressed." Instead of getting up again, he flops himself on the sofa again, groaning.

"Come on, Harm. You need to move your butt. What is your staff going to say when their new CO is late on his first day?" He gives me his full grin and shrugs his shoulders. "They'll get used to it." I roll my eyes again. "Come on, Captain sloth, 33 minutes and counting."

"Spoilsport!" He sighs and gets up from the couch, still rubbing his eyes while doing so.

Harm puts on his summer whites and I enter the bedroom just as he buttons up his shirt. I take over for him when I see his nervous fingers and he has the decency to look slightly embarrassed. "No need to be nervous, Captain. You'll do great." He snorts. "There, all done" I say once I finish with the last button.

"I hate to admit it, but I'm terrified." I can imagine that. God knows I was not exactly looking forward to doing what he is about to do in San Diego. All of a sudden he is in charge of so many people and considering Harm's character that really has to be a frightening thought.

"I wish you could come with me" He whispers, my hands still on his chest. I wish I could, too. But this is something he will have to do alone. Later, when everything is settled, I might pay him a visit in his office, but right now it wouldn't be proper.

"I'll be there in my thoughts." He nods nervously at me. "You know what? I'll make you a deal. Since this will only be shaking hands and processing in mostly anyway, I should be done in about two hours tops. Why don't I take you to a restaurant for dinner tonight?"

I had kind of hoped we would have a slow evening at the apartment and I don't feel like entertaining much tonight anyway. He must have picked up on my reluctance to agree, because he starts speaking again. "You know, nothing fancy, just the two of us grabbing some dinner somewhere. For all I care we could go to that place here on base. There is no food here and I don't particularly care to go shopping today." Hmmm, he has a point there. I don't feel like shopping either, and going to a simple bar for something to eat should be fine.

We finally manage to agree that we will finalize our dinner plans once he gets back from his office. Just in time too, since his driver makes himself known by yanking the horn. We move to the door and I just need to be close to him for a moment longer, so I embrace him and I feel his arms sneak around me, pulling me tightly against his broad chest. "I love you!" No kiss, just a really reassuring hug and I feel like this means so much more than any kiss ever could right now.

I watch him get into his car and drive off. I envy him in a way and yet I'm grateful in another. The fact of starting his own command with so many responsibilities must be frightening to him. I know it was to me when I got my orders to San Diego. That seems such a long time away now, even though it has only been a few days. I guess my terminal leave papers will arrive soon, probably channeled through Harm's office here. I'll no longer be Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie. Only Sarah MacKenzie now.

I shake myself out of my reverie. I've got things to do and the sooner I get started, the sooner I'm finished. Calculating the time in my head, I figure that it's just after 0830 in Kansas. I need to make a phone call and I'm not exactly looking forward to it. I don't know what I'm going to tell him. How do you explain that you agreed to get married to the man you love just hours before you would be separated from him for good? And how do you explain, that said man only made a move at the last possible moment, with you agreeing to become his wife without even going on a single date before that? And even more so… how am I going to explain, that I gave up the Marines for this? Nope, that conversation is not going to go over well…

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**1705 local**

I'm so glad I'm finally home. Well, not exactly home, but our place for the time being. I always hated the paperwork that comes with processing in and all the handshaking that is involved. Who ever thought this would be a good job for me can't have met me in the past.

Narrowing my eyes, I frown when I spot the Volkswagen that is parked in front of our temporary quarters. I dismiss the driver and wish him a good evening before I walk up to the red convertible. I don't know who would be visiting us already, after all I don't know anybody in London other than Lieutenant Graves and she sure as hell wouldn't be able to afford that kind of car on her salary.

Suddenly hands come around my waist from behind me and I have my suspicions where that car might come from. "You like it?" What a stupid question. It's spring time, it's a sports car and it's got manual transmission. What more does a guy want from a car? I turn around in her arms and kiss her hello. "Sure. I should have known when I saw it." And I really should have. Mac is a practical woman and living in a city like London without a car at hand is not her style. In fact we usually beat each other to the rental car services when we were on assignments. And she really has taste I have to give her that.

"It's great. I guess that explains what you spent your afternoon doing huh?" She gives me her sheepish grin and just as I'm about to lean down for another kiss, I hear her stomach grumble in protest. "Guess, I better feed you, Marine!" She bursts out laughing. "Don't tell me you aren't hungry, too. Or did you get something while at the office?" I shake my head no. I haven't given much thought to what I'll do to celebrate my new job with my future colleagues, but since Bud will be here in a couple days, I figure we can do something together. At least that's what I told my staff during the introductory stuff today. There is no use in doing this twice in a matter of a couple days anyway.

I wrap my arm around her and lead her toward the apartment where I make a straight line for the bedroom, wanting to get out of my uniform. She follows me in and I'm not really sure if this is wise, but I fumble around in my sea bag for a pair of jeans and a comfortable shirt to wear for dinner. It's not exactly dinner time around here, but I haven't eaten anything since we were on the plane and that was only a sandwich that had come from some Air Force Officer's mess or whatever. It had tasted like concrete flavored with cement anyway.

Mac sits on the bed and watches me rummage around in my sea bag. I should have been smart enough to pack the jeans on top, knowing that would be one of the first things I need. After a moment I decide to do the smart thing and stop rummaging. Instead I pull out my shirts and open one of the drawers at the right of the bedroom, just to find that it is already filled with Mac's stuff. I guess I'll have to get used to her clothes in my drawers… well, our drawers I guess. "Sorry, I would have unpacked for you, but I didn't know if you'd be comfortable with that…" she trails off and I give her a grin. "And here I thought you'd be curious and start digging for my underwear or something."

That earns me a pillow flying from the bed she is occupying, but not before I see the blush on her cheeks. Finally digging up my jeans and a polo shirt I start unbuttoning my uniform. It doesn't feel entirely comfortable to change in front of her, but she doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I figure that, since I will only be changing pants and shirt I can keep the embarrassment at bay. And after all it's not like she hasn't seen the rest before.

"So, have you decided where you'd like to go for dinner?" I ask just to say something in the suddenly way to silent room. I'm well aware of the fact that we are in a bedroom with me half naked and her only a few feet away. I don't look at her, I don't dare to. This is already dangerous as it is. There is no need whatsoever to up the stakes any more.

"Well, I thought we could go to that place right outside the base. I saw it earlier when I took the car for a spin. It's Italian." I suppose Italian doesn't sound too bad. After all, that's how Mac and I have spent many evenings, poring over case files or notes for some court martial or another.

**Dino's Trinacria**

**London, UK**

**1755 local**

We enter the little Italian restaurant in silence. We didn't take the car for it's only a couple minutes to walk and since it's a beautiful day, I suggested we forego the drive and instead enjoy a quiet walk. And quiet is the right word. I don't want to get into conversation just now. That only ever earns us trouble and even though I know the moment will come sometime soon, I just want to walk along Harm for a while, enjoying the cool breeze that set in a bit ago.

I realize what I love about Europe. You simply enter a restaurant without reservations and you don't have to wait around for a waiter who shows you to your table. Instead you simply wander in and pick for yourself. I kind of like that. We take a booth at the back of the restaurant and I grin at myself. We both choose a seat that would allow us to survey the whole place.

Harm picks up on my grin and asks me what I think is so funny. "Well, I guess our training has kicked in or something." He frowns at me and I feel my grin widen at his cluelesness. "Well, don't you realize we sit so we can overlook the whole place? We are control freaks." That earns me a raised eyebrow and the big grin I had been hoping for. "Hey only speak for yourself, ok?" I swat him on his arm for the comment and he gives me another grin "Yeah, well. I don't like to sit with my back to the enemy." He winks at me. Joking with him like this is what I've really missed recently… just talking to my best friend again.

The waiter soon comes over and we place our orders. Harm opts for a vegetarian topping which really doesn't surprise me, and I do him the favor of ordering the meat lovers one that he expected. We chat about anything and nothing, both of us keeping the dangerous topics away from tonight and I don't mind. I'm too tired for anything like that, and after the day he just had he probably feels just about the same, not to mention our jet lag. I really hate flying east; it always leaves me feeling like a zombie.

Dinner passes relatively easy and it feels great. I know I want a future with Harm. I never doubted that. And I know I did the right thing when I decided to come here with him. But even though I know what is eventually going to come, I want to have the friendship back, the easy banter we used to share before everything became so damn complicated. Tonight's dinner is a great step toward that.

In a way it surprises me. I never wanted to be friends with my lovers before. With Mic I only wanted the husband-thing. He never was my friend like Harm was, even though we had our good times and friendly dinners, too. It was not the same. Mic was husband-material but not best-friend-material, no matter how often he claimed to be my new best friend. And I don't even want to think of Webb as husband-material. Come to think of it, he isn't even really friendship-material, considering everything.

I sometimes doubted that Harm would ever become real husband-material, despite what I've felt for him for what feels like forever, but when I look at him over the table, joking with me and remembering everything we've been through in the past, my doubts lessen. I don't say they aren't still there. But Harm has grown up in the last couple months.

"Hey, Marine. You look a little dazed over there. You ok?" I don't know how to answer him, right away. I don't think it will do us good to talk about what I just thought. We are both tired and I don't want us to start any conversations tonight that would make us hurt each other. The talk we will have, the talk that we need to have before any of this can go anywhere will be a difficult one and I know that we are very likely going to hurt each other in the process. Tonight I want to enjoy being with my best friend.

"I just thought how nice it is to have a pizza-dinner with my best friend again. We haven't done that in ages. Only thing missing is the case file scattered over the table. " It's not a lie. But it's as close to the truth as I want to get right now. He smiles at me but his eyes betray him. He knows I'm hiding something, but he doesn't comment on it. Maybe he too knows that tonight is not a good time for anything too serious.

Changing the topic I ask him how his day was. He greets the question with a tired smile and not for the first time today I notice the circles round his eyes. He has been through a lot lately with Mattie and then moving halfway across the world. "It was okay I guess. I shook a couple hands and got introduced to my senior staff. Graves showed me around the building and stuff. It was ok for a first day I suppose." He shrugs.

"Anyone there that we know?" I get the feeling that he feels kind of guilty about going to an office when I don't yet know what I'll be doing. I intend to let him know it doesn't bother me that much. I'm a damn good lawyer and I can get a job anywhere I want. I've never doubted that.

He looks at me for a moment as if to consider his answer. "Well, there's Graves but we don't really know her and other than that nobody there has stricken me as familiar. I'm glad that Bud and Jennifer will be here soon, so I won't feel so out of place." That surprises me a bit and I can't help questioning him about it. "Out of place?" He puts down his slice of pizza and waves his hand. "Well yeah. I mean I've been reassigned before, gone to new places. But I've been at JAG headquarters for ten years straight and it just feels funny having all these new people around."

I nod at that. It's understandable. I had felt like that at Lowell, Hanson and Lowne but I had always suspected that it had more to do with the fact that I had given up the Marines and JAG than with the place itself. "You'll get to know them. And it's not like you've ever had any trouble making friends or anything." He smiles at that. "I didn't mean it like that. I know that these people are probably friendly and good at their job. I just think it will be nice having someone around that I know I can trust." Well, I suppose that's a good reason. After all I had asked Bud to come with me for the exact same reason. I wanted someone I could trust as my chief of staff.

"So what's your plan for tomorrow?" He looks at me carefully. I don't quite know what my plans will be. I think I want to take a couple days and sort myself out, look where I want to go with my career and all that. After all the hectic at JAG recently I think I'm due for a break. The constant trips all over the world have taken their toll on me more than I care to admit. "I don't know yet. I thought I might stock our place and maybe do some workout. I haven't had time for that in way too long."

He doesn't seem too bothered by it. "We could take a run together in the morning, if you want." He sounds a bit unsure about that. I grin at him. I never would have figured that he still took his morning runs, even though I know he does do some workout. His muscles certainly speak for themselves. "You think you are up to that, old man?" I grin, the teasing is wonderful.

"Old man huh? Put on your running shoes tomorrow and I'll show you how old I'm not!" He has that knowing grin about him again and I feel like swatting him. "You'll see. I can beat you any day, Harmon Rabb." I know I'm feeling pretty self-conscious right now. Harm starts laughing at that. And not just a grin or a snort either. A full hearted laugh. He isn't laughing at me directly, but it's clear that he thinks I've gone delusional. 

"Someone is in denial here, huh?" Denial? Me? How could I be in denial? I've been running with Cresswell or Turner at least twice a week and I've never had much trouble keeping up with either of them. I raise my eyebrow and fix him over the table. "Harm, I can take everything you throw at me. Me not being able to keep up with an old sailor… that would be the day!" That just earns me another snort. "Mac, you tried to outrun me twice so far and each time I was faster!"

Now it's me who starts snorting. Someone has obviously some big holes in his memory and it's not me. "Ha, faster… last time you tried to outrun me we finished together and I was not the one who was stopped for a check from the corpsman because he looked like he was about to have a stroke!"

He fakes annoyance, but his eyes betray him as always. There is a twinkle in them that tells me he is taking this conversation for the teasing it is. "I wasn't about to have a stroke. I just had to overhaul the six minutes head start that I had granted to you. And if Harriet hadn't stopped me I WOULD have passed you by easily!"

He looks at me like I should be very aware of this truth but I just enjoy teasing him and I have no intention of backing down just yet. "Ha, if you only believe that!" He gives me his cocky flyboy grin and picks up his beer. "I do!" And this time I do swat his arm only to get another laugh in response.

**Dino's Trinacria**

**London, UK**

**1902 local**

We leave the pizzeria in silence and start our walk back to our quarters. It's a comfortable silence. Someone once said, friendship is like sitting together in silence and feeling like it's the best conversation you've ever had. That goes for walks too, I guess. I catch myself at the thought of putting my arm around her waist, but I'm not sure if that would be welcome, so I reach down and take her hand lightly in mine.

I hear her holding her breath when I grab for her hand and I look down at her. "Is this ok with you?" She doesn't say anything, but the nod I get is enough to put my mind at ease for a bit. We have agreed to take this slow, but I'm not so sure if I can do that. I have the constant urge to be close, to touch her. It's not necessarily sexual or arousing, though I cannot deny that I find her very desirable and that I want to be with her like that in the future. I only had a taste of what we can be like together the other night and it had felt right, even though I know it was wrong for a multitude of reasons.

For the moment, holding her hand and intertwining our fingers is enough for me. It was a nice feeling when she kissed me in greeting when I came home earlier, too. I could get used to that. We need to get our friendship back to where it used to be. But somehow I can't quite shake the feeling that we are fooling ourselves. We are so much more than friends already. Normal friends don't hold hands like we do, don't touch the way we do and certainly don't kiss like we do. I want her as my wife, my confidant and my lover. That my wife, confidant and lover also happens to be the best friend I could have ever hoped for, just makes this so much easier and so much harder at the same time.

I once told her, that I didn't want to loose our friendship over a romantic relationship. And that is still true. However, I also don't want to risk loosing the possibility of a romantic relationship for the friendship. I know we can have both, but it will take a lot of work and there are likely going to be more bumps in the road than any of us could ask for.

We reach our quarters just as the sun is about to set. It's still April and even though the early summer sun has warmed the air quite a bit already, it's getting chilly soon and I feel her shiver. Neither one of us had thought about taking a jacket.

We silently enter the apartment and walk back to the bathroom. I send Mac into the shower while I prepare my bed on the sofa again, since she has moved my bedding toward the bed while I was at the office. For a moment I consider the possibility that she wants to give me a hint, but in the end I suppose it's just her being a Marine. No matter how crowded her desk used to be, her apartment was always a textbook example of tidiness.

I enter the bedroom just as she comes out in shorts and t-shirt, ready for our first real night in Britain. It's not very late yet, in fact its not even 2000 but I really need to get some sleep and so does she. I hate flying east. It always feels like the days just don't want to end at all.

I take a quick shower, more to freshen up than to wash myself. I didn't really do anything to need a good wash, but the luke-warm water feels comfortable.

When I get out into the bedroom again, Mac sits on top of the comforter, a book in her hand. I narrow my eyes at the title, because it's my book and she is already halfway through. "Enjoying yourself?" She looks up at me with her sheepish grin and puts the book down. "Well, now that you mention it… yeah!" I fight it, but the grin that threatens to split my face forces itself onto my features anyway. I sit down on the bed for a moment, taking the book from her and checking where she is. She is still a couple chapters away from where my earmark sits, but I'm nonetheless impressed.

"Anyway, I guess this is goodnight?" She puts the book next to her on the space where my pillow would be and leans over to me. Her lips on mine are electrifying as always and I respond eagerly. When I release her, I can see her eyes are glassy and I give her another peck onto her nose. "Sleep well, ninjagirl."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

**Eastcote D.O.E complex**

**London, UK**

**0805 local**

Well, I guess this is my first day at the job. For once in my life I was on time for work but I barely unpack my briefcase when my interim Petty Officer announces the arrival of the ambassador. I haven't got a clue what he might want from me and Graves wasn't smart enough to take notes on why he requested this appointment in the first place. I don't really believe this is a pure social call.

I ask the Petty Officer to let the ambassador enter and walk around the desk to greet the man. After all, I don't want to start off our working relationship with unfriendly demeanor. I raise my eyebrows when the door opens to reveal a somewhat familiar face. It must have been years. "Ambassador Whiterspoon?" I can't believe it. "Good morning, Captain. It's been a while." We shake hands and I ask my Petty Officer whose name I can't really keep in my brain yet, to close the hatch behind him. He kind of reminds me of Tiner and I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

"It's good to see you again, Captain Rabb. You've done well for yourself it seems." I smile at him and return the compliment, offering him a seat in front of my desk. Rather than taking up position behind my new desk, I choose the armchair next to his and turn towards him. This should be interesting.

Witherspoon has become older like all of us, but the twinkle in his eye and the very aware air that surrounded him when I first met him in Colombia are still there. "What can I do for you, ambassador? I don't think you are here to request my help with dealing with any drug lords."

He chuckles at that. "No Captain, I guess I'm not. I heard you'd come to town and I wanted to pay my respects. But that isn't the only reason I'm here. I've been approached by the British government about some issues that concern the US military forces stationed in country. There have been some incidents between American service members and British officials. It's a minor problem I'm sure can be solved easily."

I nod. I had heard some rumors about military personnel engaging into fistfights and brawls all around the place. Not to mention the case of harassment of a young British girl by an American officer a couple months back. And this sure is an embarrassment to the US government. "I think I can make a couple calls and get something worked out." Witherspoon nods in agreement and I can see he is satisfied with my answer. "I knew you would, Captain. I'm sure you're aware that this kind of behavior of a few people could cost us the good reputation in the country. It's not bad enough yet for the British to scream for us to give up our bases here, but I would prefer if it didn't come to that in the first place."

I can only agree with him. I know what it was like for Mac and me when we went to Saudi Arabia a couple years back to defend a Lieutenant who refused to wear the authorized clothing for women. It made life for every other American in that country difficult. Britain is not Saudi Arabia… thank god, but nobody needs these kinds of problems, especially in times like these. And the British public isn't as supportive as it used to be at the moment.

We decide to take a cup of coffee together and my suspicions about my Petty Officers resemblance to Tiner are confirmed once again. The brew tastes horrible. Someday I'll have to teach these kids how it is done properly. "So, Captain. How is everyone?" I frown at him, since I'm not really sure what he means. "The Marine Major and the Lieutenant you used to work with. Are they still at headquarters?"

Wow, I wouldn't have thought that he remembers that much. After all it's been years. I had kind of figured that he only remembered me because he saw my name on the billet. But well, Mac surely is hard to forget. Who could blame him?

"Well sir, Lieutenant Commander Roberts is going to join me here soon. He will be appointed my chief of staff and Assistant Judge Advocate." He raises his eyebrow and returns his empty cup to my table, refusing my offer for a refill. "I guess time flies by. It's unbelievable that the young Lieutenant junior grade of back then has already reached Lieutenant Commander. And what about the Major? MacKenzie, wasn't it?"

I squirm in my chair at his question. How am I going to say this politely and with my dignity intact? "Lieutenant Colonel MacKenzie resigned her commission a few days ago, sir." He seems surprised at the news which is no big miracle. I bet he isn't the only one. "Why would she do that? Fed up with the corps?"

"Uh … not exactly, sir. She had personal reasons." He seems to take the hint. "I see. And the way your ears just turned pink I suppose you would have something to do with these personal reasons?" He gives me a knowing smile which I return politely. He takes a look at his watch and excuses himself. We shake hands and I accompany him to the door of my office. "Captain, why don't you join me and my wife for dinner tonight? We can chat and catch up on old stories. If you are interested that is."

I haven't exactly planned anything for tonight and even though I don't really care for an evening spent with a politician I'm not sure I can get out of this politely. "The invitation stands for Miss MacKenzie as well of course!" I nod to indicate that I get the implication but I don't want to make any plans without consulting Mac, so I don't confirm the invitation. "I'll mention it to her, sir."

He doesn't seem to be affronted by that and tells me he will have his assistant call later in the afternoon to confirm the plans, which is ok by me. It will give me time to talk to Mac and see if she is interested to do this tonight. We say our goodbyes and I throw myself into the truckload of paperwork that already sits on my desk not 24 hours after I've reported for duty. I sigh. I hate paperwork. Checking my watch I realize I've got about three more hours to fill until my staff meeting later on and then I can finally head home for lunch break.

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**1232 local**

I sit on the couch; book in hand, feet propped up on the armchair in front of me. I could get used to the laziness for sure. I hear the car pull up and I'm not disappointed. Harm enters the apartment soon after and when I don't hear the car drive away I frown. "Hey there." Before I can get up to greet him he bends down and brushes his lips against mine. It's only a moment and over way too fast, so I pull him back for more.

He groans into my mouth after a moment and I release him. Boy, I have to remind myself not to give into these kinds of kisses or the taking things slow thing will become impossible soon. And what that uniform does for this man should definitely be considered illegal! Seeing him in it has always been tempting, but since I know what he hides beneath it… no Sarah MacKenzie, get a grip on yourself. People could think you are a high school girl, for crying out loud!

"Hey yourself." He plops down on the couch next to me – on the far end of it – and throws his head onto the back of the couch. "I didn't think you'd be home so early." He turns his head towards me and shrugs. "I just thought I might come home so we could have lunch together." Uh oh… should I feel guilty? I didn't prepare anything, after all I'm not the stay home wife, waiting on her husband.

He snorts. "Mac, don't look at me like that. I thought I would take you out for lunch, since I came here pretty unexpected and I don't really feel like preparing anything right now. I've got to be back at the office soon, but I wanted to talk to you about something and since neither of us has a working cell phone yet…" He trails off.

What could he possibly need to talk to me that can't wait until evening? "Come on, or lunch break will be over before I get something to eat." He helps me up from the couch and we walk towards the car he brought. "It's a Navy car and I borrowed it to get here. I hate to have drivers." Ha, as if that statement would surprise me…

Since we don't have all that much time, we decide to go for the O-club on base. It's not fancy, but we've eaten cafeteria meals at JAG too, so this is really nothing new.

"So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" He looks up from the menu and considers me for a moment. "Do you remember the ambassador we worked with in Columbia a couple years ago?" I nod. God, that must have been ages ago. "What about him?" He puts the menu down and gives the waitress a wink to come over. "Well, he has obviously changed countries. He's working at the embassy here in London, and when we met today he invited us to dinner tonight. I didn't confirm, because I wanted to talk to you first."

I appreciate the sentiment. It is really pretty considerate; especially for Harmon Rabb jr. "I haven't made any plans for tonight yet. But it might be a good idea to take the ambassador up on his offer. I don't think you want to start your billet here with a bad relationship to the embassy." He nods at me and I get the feeling he is glad I agree to go there.

Before long our time together is up again and we part outside the apartment. This time I make sure the kiss is light and not too lingering, just to be sure.

I don't really know what to do with my time, now that he's gone. Reading doesn't hold any appeal at the moment, Harm and I already got our workout for the day when we went running in the morning and the kitchen is stocked with all the stuff that we would need. It was a good idea to go for grocery shopping alone, or else I wouldn't have gotten away with some of the stuff I bought. Harm would have thrown a fit if he had seen me packing in crisps and steaks, not to mention the bag of sweets I got and hid in the living room closet. No need to frighten him after all.

I decide to drive into the city and see what I can do about our lack of cell phones. The phone at the apartment is still not in working order which is annoying and made me use a pay phone to call Kansas. Graves obviously thought of everything but communication. It's strange, really. How can a naval officer forget about setting up proper communication? I'm not even thinking about all the amenities of the civil world like internet and the like. I just want an old fashioned telephone in working order, that's all.

Since Harm didn't say anything about time, I figure he will come home by reasonable office hours so we can prepare for dinner. That leaves me a couple hours and although I'm not in the mood for sightseeing it won't hurt to check out some of the cities stores for a while. I can't wait for Harriet to get here.

**Ambassador's residence**

**Winfield house**

**Greater London, UK**

**1930 local**

It is a strange feeling to follow invitations for dinner at an US embassy. Ambassador Witherspoon and his wife Carolyn greet us warmly though. I think it's the fact that he was a contemporary of my fathers that puts me at ease. When we worked together in Columbia he didn't strike me as a talker much. He is a man of action, kind of like me.

The residence is huge and they show us around for a bit before leading us to a warmly lit dining room on the ground floor. I'm surprised that the other man and his wife show none of the stiffness I always expect in people like them. In fact they are very at ease.

I hold my breath when the butler tries to fill Mac's glass with the Californian wine they serve with the food, but once again she manages to decline the offer with dignity and without spilling her secret. I sometimes wonder how open she can be about it. I know it must cost a lot of willpower. I don't feel very comfortable about drinking in her presence, no matter how often she assures me that it doesn't bother her, but I accept a glass of the wine and remind myself that I won't take more than this.

Since Mrs Witherspoon doesn't know the background story of how we met, we fill her into the interesting and non-classified pieces and I can't help but feeling good about this. It is a pretty cool story, all things considered. "I suppose you added quite a few stories over the years!"

Mac and I grin at each other. Yup, we most definitely did. Colombia seems like a cake walk now. We were all so innocent back then. Even Webb was innocent and I still grin at the image of him with a weapon and looking down on it like he doesn't know how to work it. It was probably the first time he really needed one. Too bad he learned to use it to the effective way he did over the years. Back then nobody would have taken him for the cold blooded killer he could become these days.

"Ms MacKenzie, I heard some rumors about the Marine Corps loosing one hell of an officer recently." Witherspoon has the courtesy to make it a statement rather than a question and the diplomat in him made it sound like the sad thing it is. But Mac doesn't flinch like I do. "Well sir, sometimes decisions have to be made. And I decided it was worth it." He seems to accept that. "I'm sure it was a hard decision though." Mac smiles at me and shakes her head 'no'. "Actually, sir… it wasn't that difficult. We had made a decision and it was clear that it wouldn't work unless one of us turned in their resignation."

That raises Carolin Witherspoon's eyes. "So I guess congratulations are in order?" It's not really a question and Mac only looks at me and squeezes my hand warmly; I return it with a smile.

"Anyway, Ms MacKenzie. Do you have an idea what you want to do now? I mean I've heard quite a few stories over the years and you guys have been on the cover of the Navy times rather often, too. I'm not worried about you or anything. I'm just curious."

Mac turns back toward our hosts and shrugs as if it didn't really matter, when I know for a fact that it matters to her a lot. Mac is not the little stay home wifey waiting for her husband to come home to a nicely cooked dinner and the four kids. And I wouldn't want that either. Mac is an independent woman and that fact is one of the many things I love so much about her. Though I wouldn't mind the kids.

"I haven't given much thought to it, sir. I think I'll settle in here and then see where it goes. It is a big city after all." Witherspoon looks at his wife for a second who gives a slight nod at him, and I might not even have seen it if not for the fact, that Mac throws me these nods too and quite regularly so. Mark Witherspoon and his wife Carolyn share a good connection; that much is obvious.

"Would you consider working at the embassy?" At that we both look up from our meals, first at the couple across the table, then at each other. Mac frowns and Witherspoon jumps in to explain. "When I heard about you accompanying Captain Rabb here this morning, I did some checking. We've been looking for a good lawyer for international and military law for a while and I'd be honored to have you work for me." He pauses for a moment and looks at both of us. "Perhaps we should discuss this after dinner."

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**2217 local**

I can't believe the turn this evening has taken. Only yesterday did I promise myself to relax for a while before even considering any career opportunities. And now I'm offered a job at our embassy here in London. I felt flattered when ambassador Witherspoon offered it to me and from the description he gave me, it sounds tempting.

Harm enters the kitchen just as I grab a bottle of cooled water from the fridge and I hand him a second one wordlessly. "So? What do you think?" He plops down on one of the two chairs at the table and looks at me intently and expectantly.

I slowly move over to the other chair and he turns towards me. "Well, I guess it's a pretty good offer. It's international law mostly." He raises his eyebrows and I just know he heard the 'but' in my answer. I don't make him ask. "It would take me out of the courtroom." And that is definitely a catch. There would be the occasional odd case which would allow me to participate in a trial, but mostly it would be international law and politics.

Harm nods in understanding. I think he remembers my excursion into private practice and my unwillingness to spend my time behind a desk only. And that's exactly what this would be about. I'm a trial council not a desk jockey. "What do you think?" I'm not sure what I want to do with Witherspoon's offer, but I want to know what Harm's opinion is on the matter.

He considers his answer for a moment, toying with the wrapping of the water bottle and carefully avoiding looking at me. He looks up at me again, and even though we are both still jetlagged his blue grey eyes are still wide awake, considering the hour.

"I think it's a good offer. But that doesn't mean you should take it on without some serious thinking. I can understand that you have second thoughts. I know I would." He takes a deep breath and takes my right hand in his before he goes on. "But I know you would be very good at it. And although you wouldn't get to be in court you could still serve your country."

I hadn't thought about that yet. He is right I would be serving my country, just not in uniform. "I'm not going to tell you what to do here, Mac. Eventually it will have to be your decision and you know I will support you no matter what you decide in the end. I want you to think about it carefully though, and when the time comes I'll be more than happy to play the 'advocatus diaboli' for you. I know court time is precious to you, but consider this: If we had gone to San Diego, your duties would have been mostly administrative too, and you would have been busy with your command. I know I won't see much of a courtroom here either."

That's true in a way. All the years we served under Chegwidden, the Admiral has tried only a handful of cases, since he was occupied with the politics part of his position and the paperwork it brought mostly. And Harm's office here doesn't even have a courtroom as far as I know. I guess that's what you get when you climb the career ladder.

I will definitely think about Witherspoon's offer. I have to take into consideration, that I'm not accustomed to British law, though that would be my least concern. It would sure mean a lot of work if I decided to join a law firm around here. "I'll think about it. Right now everything is pretty hazy and I don't want to rush into this." He moves my hand to his lips and gives a small kiss to my knuckles. "You shouldn't."

Harm puts my hand down again and squeezes it once more. "I enjoyed tonight." His sudden change in topic makes me look up. He is still holding my hand and I don't think he has realized it yet, but his thumb is moving back and forth over my palm. The look in his eyes tells me more than a whole dictionary could. How could I have ever doubted that he loves me?

"So did I!" I'm glad that tomorrow is Saturday. It means we will get to sleep in and enjoy the day. "Do you feel like checking out the city tomorrow?" I want to spend some time with him outside this apartment. We will soon need to find a place for us, too since I don't have any intention on staying here.

I catch him trying to stifle a yawn and even though I love our silent peaceful moments, I know that it's probably bedtime soon. "Yeah, why not. I've never seen much of London other than Heathrow. There are a couple places I would like to see." We decide to take it easy and see where we will end up once we wake up in the morning.

We go about the already familiar shower-changing routine and when he kisses me good night before heading toward the sofa again, I really need to fight the urge to ask him to stay with me. I know why it has to be like that at the moment. But still… I wish I could sleep in his arms like the other night. Sighing I turn onto my side and it doesn't take long for sleep to claim me.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**0835 local**

I open my eyes and smile when the distinctive smell of coffee hits my nostrils. It's been a while since anyone has prepared breakfast for me. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and pad over to the kitchen to where Harm stands at the stove flipping what I suppose are pancakes.

I lean against the doorframe and watch him for a moment. It's obvious that he has been up for a while, though I don't understand how he was able to sneak into the bedroom for his jeans and t-shirt without me realizing it. The jeans fit him snugly and the shirt can't really hide the muscular chest and back that I know are underneath.

I can't resist putting my arms around his waist and giving his neck a brush of my lips. "Good morning." He turns around to take me in his arms and I forget all about coffee and pancakes. "Good morning to you too, sleepyhead." With that he leans down to me and brushes his lips over mine gently. Without conscious thought I lean into his touch and touch his lips with the tip of my tongue, deepening the kiss. At first I think he doesn't reply but then I feel one of his arms slide up my back to my neck so he can pull me even closer and then he gives as good as he gets.

I don't know how, but when I release him for breath I find my hand under his shirt and his under mine. We both rest our foreheads against each other, trying to regain some control, but I know I won't succeed with his arms still around me like this, even though he has removed it from under my shirt again.

"I'm sorry." I can only whisper and I don't trust my voice one bit right now. His hand cups my chin and he moves my head upward so I can look at him. Lightly tracing my cheekbone with his thumb, he replies "Don't be. I'm not!"

God I'm so frustrated. Just why does everything have to be so damn complicated between us? I'm not sure I can keep going like this for much longer. It's not so much the sexual aspect of it, though I cannot complain about our one night together at all. It's more the fact that we have to keep holding ourselves back and that is driving me nearly insane. I know we need to re-establish our friendship first, but I don't want to be his friend, it simply isn't enough anymore. I want to be with him, hold him, feel his arms around me like a man would hold a woman and not a friend would a friend. And each time we end up in each others arms it gets harder and harder to resist the temptation to take that last step.

Deciding I need to lighten the tense moment, I pluck at his shirt. "No morning run today? Don't tell me I exhausted you that badly yesterday!" Harm is predictable in a way. Or maybe it's just the fact that we know each other so well. But he does me the favor and gives me the snort I've angled for. "You should be glad that I took it easy on you, Marine." I do him the favor of rolling my eyes at him, knowing it would be what he expected.

At his comment I take a close look at the ceiling above us and after a while I can see from the corner of my eye that he turns his head up too. "Something wrong?" I hear the frown more than see it. "No, sailor. But your ego has just catapulted itself through the roof of the house. I just thought I might look after it." And that earns me a dirty look which doesn't bother me at all.

"For your information, you didn't exhaust me yesterday. But I figured since you are planning to chase me through the city today we could safe the energy for our expedition to London's sights rather than waste it on the jogging path." I manage to hold in a snort of my own at his comment, but only just. He has a point though. By the time we are done wandering through the city we will probably be tired enough and walking around all day should give us some exercise too.

Since Harm is already properly clothed for going outside, I go and change while he clears the table and puts the remnants of our breakfast back into the fridge. I really have to give him credit for the breakfast. I knew he could cook but it was a nice surprise anyway, though it was a very Harm-ish breakfast with fresh fruits, yoghurt and orange juice next to the coffee. Only trouble now is that I suppose we are out of any fresh fruit, since I didn't buy all that much yesterday.

We decide to leave the car at the apartment and instead take the Underground. For one thing, neither of us has ever ridden on the famous tube system and for another it would simply be unpractical to take the car through Saturday traffic and then pay a shitload of money for parking it somewhere. The Underground will take us to the city centre for little money and spare us the stress.

We get off the Underground at Cannon street and Harm takes my hand in his and it feels like he has been doing that for years instead of just a few times. We fall into step and wander along the street that would lead us down to the River Thames. It's a beautiful day for sightseeing. The sun is already out, warming the still cool air and the low breeze that graces us feels comfortable. I don't like it when the air is completely still, especially not when wandering along a river. There is something very calming in it.

We reach the Thames and both of us lean our forearms onto the balustrade on the edge of the river, looking up and down the stream. It's somehow similar to standing at the Potomac, and yet very different at the same time. Looking to the right we get a good view of the London Bridge and decide to pay it a visit. There's a lot to see around this city so might as well start here.

A friendly older couple asks us to take their picture in a language I don't understand but their waving of their camera at us and indicating our camera makes their request quite understandable I suppose. "I never thought I'd see the day!" I frown and look at him and he has this comfortable, smug smile on his face that tells me is very pleased with himself. "The day?" If it is at all possible, his grin widens at my cluelesness and he leans over and whispers in my ear, that he would have never thought we could meet people speaking a language I didn't at least understand partly.

I try to give him another dirty look, but it doesn't quite work. "Well, flyboy… we have met quite a few people in the past whose language YOU didn't understand, so I guess it is alright if I don't speak this one." With that I turn around and I know my own face cannot really hide the smile that is now spreading.

Since we are already close, Harm suggests that we try the Tower of London next and I don't complain. I only get the sinking feeling that the trip to the Tower is going to take slightly longer than anticipated when I notice the long queue of people waiting in line to enter.

**Tower of London**

**London, UK**

**1145 local**

God how I hate queues. If I knew it would take this long to get in, I would have never suggested it. When I spot one of the Tower's guards I nudge Mac and I just can't resist teasing her. "You know Mac, these guards and you would probably make good friends." When she turns toward me with an expression that clearly says she doesn't know what I'm on about I give her my best grin. "And why would I be friends with any of them?" Wow… is that how she felt earlier when I tried to tell her that the Tower Bridge and the Tower were build together and she slammed me down with her knowledge?

"Wait a moment, I need to enjoy this." Her eyebrows raise up. "That's how you feel all the time? Interesting!" Her expression changes from I-don't-know to you-can't-be-serious. I guess I overdid it a bit and I know I start babbling now. "You know… I mean… when you… uh… flounder your knowledge at me… like that." I never thought it's possible, but her perfectly styled eyebrows rise even higher. "And?" Boy this is getting embarrassing. So much for teasing HER. "They are called beefeaters!" I say with my best attempt at a superior face but I close my eyes, because I know I just earned myself a punch on my arm.

"Oh that… well, they are actually called Yeoman's Warders and they aren't exactly guarding the Tower but rather the crown jewels and in former times they've even guarded the prisoners." With that she turns around and walks ahead to catch up with the line that has moved forward while I tried to savor the short moment of glory. Damn, but this Marine just has to know everything. What is she… a living tour guide?

We join a tour and for the next hour we will be wandering around the Tower of London. I'm no history fan per se, but this place really gets to me in a way. To imagine that it was built by William the conqueror almost a millennium ago and it's still here. In a way it is amazing how people fought wars in the past, when places like this and their surroundings were the battleground. And sadly, even though they didn't have high flying bombers and artillery that could reach far into the country, their wars were not any less bloody than the ones we are forced to fight today. Though I suppose it must have taken even more guts, considering men were fighting against each other, staring each other in the eyes when they moved in for the final kill.

When we reach the room where the crown jewels are kept I can feel Mac slowing down. Not by much, but enough to tell me that she isn't entirely comfortable here. I tighten my hand around hers and slow down a bit too, letting the other tourists walk ahead. I want to ask her what is bothering her, but she steels herself and gives me a tight smile, which is her unmistakable way to tell me she doesn't want to talk about it.

I let it go for now and decide to approach the topic another time. We catch up to the group again and Mac seems to have regained her composure enough to listen to our guide going on about the different crowns and what they stand for. I admit the jewels are very impressive. After all the British crown owns the biggest diamond that was ever found, but to me they aren't all that interesting. The guide goes on and on about swords and other regalia but my eyes constantly travel between these items and the woman next to me, and I pray to the gods above, that we can get out of here soon.

Interesting enough Macs behavior changes completely as soon as we leave the room of the jewels behind us. The stiffness in her shoulders is gone and the icy stare that she wore only a couple moments ago has vanished as well. For a short moment I think I imagined it all, but it still leaves a funny taste in my mouth.

Our guide moves on and on about tales about the Tower and both Mac and I chuckle a lot. Who would have thought that a country such as Britain relies on a couple ravens to exist? Though, all in all I suppose it is nevertheless a nice story. This place is full of so much history and tradition. Mac and I decide to take another tour with one of the Yeoman Warders, since this tour only showed us the crown jewels and this place is really too impressive to only spend about an hour here.

We join a group just outside the gates and Mac makes a joke about the British and their many traditions such as the uniform of these guards that hasn't changed in many centuries. The man really does know his Tower as he tells numerous stories about some of the places we pass by, many of which make us chuckle and others that make us sober up pretty quickly.

When our tour is finished after almost two full hours, I feel my stomach grumble and that means Mac must be famished by now. After all, resigned commission or not, she is a Marine. The guard invites us to watch the ceremony of the keys at 2200, but I don't think we'll hang around the city that long. We will be in London for a while, and I suppose we can always do that at a later date.

"Hey, how about we grab some lunch and sit down somewhere?" Mac gives me a devilish grin and waves her arm toward our right. "Yeah, good idea. I think I saw a McDonalds over there earlier." Ok, I know she's kidding. She knows perfectly well that I'd never go for that… stuff. "Come on flyboy, we'll get you something else on the way. I'm sure there are other places that sell food around here." I can't believe it. She really is serious about going to that …place to get something to eat.

I groan and she just laughs and walks off toward the indicated direction which leaves me no choice but to follow her. "Mac, you really want to go there? I was more like thinking about one of the little restaurants at the River Thames." But I already figured there is no reasoning with her now and I turn to walk up to her. I just hope I can find something decent to eat along the way, because there is NO way I will eat what she will.

Sure enough she leaves the place with a bag of fries and a burger, grinning like the cat that just got to eat the mouse. "I really wonder how you do that!" She takes a big bite out of her burger which makes me wince in disgust, but her face lights up. Well… whatever makes her happy. "Do what?" I guess I shouldn't have made that comment. It will only lead to me explaining that I found her very attractive… ok, not that she doesn't know that by now, but still.

"Eating this and still looking so good." It pops out of my mouth before I can squash it down and it earns me another smile while I feel my ears turning red like a lobster. She doesn't answer verbally and instead goes for a shrug of her shoulders. I take a bite of my veggie sandwich and for a while we both eat in comfortable silence, sitting on a bench next to the river.

"So what's our next destination? I have to tell you though, I'm not sure I can endure another round of tales about important houses and all that." She's right, neither can I. A quiet afternoon sounds pretty good right now and I suggest we could head over to Hyde Park and simply take a long walk around it, enjoying the nature.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

**Hyde Park**

**Central London, UK**

**1322 local**

The park is beautiful. The birds are already chirping and the sun is at its full zenith at the moment, shining down on us with little mercy. But it's still very early in summer, so it's just comfortably warm rather than hot.

I've only been to New York a couple times so far, but this place reminds me of Central Park a lot. We walk around for a while pointing out one thing or another to each other, all the time connected at our hands. It feels so natural and right. We spot a patch of grass where many people sit and talk or have picnics. I file that information away for another day. Maybe we can come here for some Sunday afternoon picnic once Bud and Harriet are here.

I steer us over to the grass and plop down on it, sighing when I hit the soft green. Harm sits down next to me and before I know it, his hand is on my cheek, his thumb softly stroking up and down. I'm mesmerized by the intense look in his eyes and instinctively I lean closer to him to satisfy the hunger I felt ever since our kiss before breakfast.

This one is not urgent like this morning. Rather, it's gentle and sweet and very loving. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. I wanted to do this earlier, but…" He trails off and I think I know what he's talking about. "You want to know why I was acting strangely earlier?" He looks away toward the scenery in front of us. "Only if you want to tell me." His voice is so soft and once again I admire him for being who he is. No matter how much he wants to know what happened earlier, he would never demand an answer.

"It's nothing really. In fact I think it's almost ridiculous." He turns towards me again and puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling against his broad chest. "If it upsets you like that, it's not nothing!" The tone in his voice is still soft, but there is an underlying determination to it that tries to make a point.

I sigh. Do I want to tell him? What will he think of me when I tell him why I had this uneasy feeling while we were there? "I don't know. When we walked into that room and I saw all that jewellery it kind of set something off. When the guide told us that one collier was worth half a million… there was a time when I wore half a million round my neck."

He seems confused for a bit, but then I see something dawn on him. "It reminded you of Dalton?" I almost snort at that. I rarely think about the man that died in my arms because of a crazy detective who believed he was in love with me and therefore needed to kill the man in my life. "No, when I was down there with Webb." He doesn't need an explanation what 'down there' means. It's pretty obvious.

He releases his breath slowly, heavily. "I'm sorry. You should have told me. We would have never…" I put a finger to his mouth to stop him. "I didn't know myself. And I refuse to let that time get to me forever." I know I sound a bit more forceful than I want to but somehow I really need to convince myself. Yes, I do want to overcome the few weeks in Paraguay and not just the things that remind me of them.

"Wanna talk about it?" It is an offer of a friend. Do I? I'm not sure about that. What I know is, that a public park is not the right place for that discussion if for no other reason, than that most of it is classified information and should not be discussed in a park. "I'd rather not." He averts his eyes but not before I can see the hurt creeping into them. I reach out and bring him back to look at me again. "Not here anyway. Why don't we get together over dinner tonight?"

He doesn't seem to mind that, but I can sense his impatience. He tries to hide it well, but I've known him for so long and I sometimes think I know him better than he knows himself. Harmon Rabb doesn't hide this from me. "We could go home now." It's a simple enough statement, yet it only confirms what I already know. "No, let's stay here for a while. It's a beautiful day and I'd rather not spoil it just now."

I let myself sink back into the cool grass and Harm follows me suit, lying on his back next to me. We lie there and Harm gives me a shy smile. I rarely got to see it in the past. It's not his cocky grin, or his confident smile. Harm has many smiles, but this one is special and I can't resist and snuggle closer to him.

Without reluctance he moves his arm so I can put my head on his shoulder and when I'm settled in, he brings his arm around me, lightly toying with my hair. "Is this ok?" How could it not? The man I love is holding me close to him while he offers me comfort as much as love. "It's perfect."

We laze there for a while. I can hear the constant thrumming of his heart and feel his chest rise and fall with every breath he takes. His fingers are still moving over my hair but neither of us says another word and I realize this is what I've wanted for the last couple days, ever since we woke up in his apartment on Wednesday morning. Sure, I feel a need to touch him, even intimately and I had a hard time this morning peeling myself away from him, but this is so much better than a quick romp, or passionate lovemaking. And even though making love to this man has been on my mind for years, it is the contentment and happiness of simply being with him like this that I treasure the most.

I stir and stretch before I open my eyes. I must have fallen asleep, obviously. When I open my eyes I blink against the sudden onslaught of light. "Hey." The first thing I see are his blue grey eyes looking down at me. He is wide awake and either he didn't fall asleep at all, or he woke up before me. Knowing him he probably didn't fall asleep. Checking my inner watch I realize I can't have been out of it too long since we've only been here for a bit more than an hour.

"Sorry for that." He grins up at me and waves his arm to indicate it wasn't a bother. "I enjoyed the view." Simple as that. So he has been watching me sleep? "You about ready to head home for the day? Or do you want to see something else?"

The city is huge and there are plenty of things to go to. "Rome wasn't build on a single day." Harm grins at that. "We're not in Rome but in London." Again I get that superior grin that I really used to hate at the beginning. I slap him on his chest in return, knowing he is just trying to keep our mood light. "You know what I mean. Let's go find an Underground station and head home."

He sobers up from one second to another and looks out over the park again, staring at the people passing us on bikes, inline skates or skateboards. "It sounds kind of funny, huh? Home…" Yeah it does. Washington has been both our home for so long and I admit it is a bit strange to consider London my home just yet. "Well, I guess, it will take a while to sink in. Especially the fact that we are both going home to the same place."

I smile at him and get up, offering him a hand that he gladly takes.

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**1609 local**

We joke right up until the moment when we enter the apartment. There's tension radiating from her that wasn't there a minute ago. I know Mac is aware of the fact that I'd really like to know what caused her to act the way she did while we visited the crown jewels, although I suppose the connection isn't all that difficult to make. What lies beneath it is what makes it important for her to talk about it.

I personally could live without any reminder of Paraguay and especially the aftermath of it, but she needs to talk about this sooner or later or it is going to eat away at her forever. If I know nothing else, I know that. Been there. Done that.

I give her some space and move toward the kitchen to see what I could fix us for dinner later. It's still early yet and since it doesn't really make sense to cook dinner just yet, I don't really know what to do. This place doesn't have any of our personal stuff yet, since the Navy is not as fast in delivering these kind of things as I would want them to be. Which reminds me…

"Mac, do you have an idea when your stuff will be shipped to London?" She is in the living room, her feet propped up on the sofa which only leaves the armchair for me. "No, not really. Cresswell pulled a couple favors to make it possible. He said he would arrange my things to be brought here along with yours." That's good to hear. I would hate for her to pay lots of money to get her things here.

"That's good." The silence stretches between us and for the first time since we came to London I don't know what to do. There is no point in going back and do some more sightseeing for today and since we don't have our things here I don't know anything else. I have some paperwork in my briefcase, but it's nothing too pressing and I don't want to sit here working while Mac doesn't have a job. That doesn't sit right with me.

Of course there's a TV just across the couch, but I'm not a big friend of these things and since I'm pretty sure the program here is as crappy as the one in the States I don't bother to switch it on. Maybe we could watch a DVD but I don't have any and I don't really want to find a video store to get one either.

The silence is uncomfortable this time, not like earlier in the park. We are shying away from the things we need to talk about like they would burn us, and maybe they will. But leaving them hanging over our head is not a good idea either. I know she said that we should talk some over dinner tonight and I don't know if I really should look forward to it even though I want her to tell me what set her off at the Tower.

"Did you call Mattie yet?" I'm thankful for the question. It's not personal and I can answer it easily without giving anything away from myself. "Yeah, I called her from the office and explained that we didn't have communication set up at our place yet. She understood. She's impatient with herself though. She sends her regards by the way." That brings a small smile to her lips, and that makes me even more grateful that she brought the topic up.

"You miss her, don't you?" Yes I do. I would like to be there for her, now more than ever. "Yeah, she's a great kid, pigheaded sometimes, but she's pretty smart." Mac smiles again. "I know. She cares a lot for you, you know." I chuckle. I know Mattie cares for me. It's one reason she kicked my ass so hard when I visited her that morning before we took off to London. "I know. She had figured me out pretty soon after she had moved in with Jen."

Her eyes show surprise and even a bit curiosity. She scrutinizes me and I know I start squirming, hoping she won't catch me at it. But the hope is fruitless and I know that. "Figured out what?" Yup, leave it to Mac to find all the weak spots in my otherwise perfectly maintained pride. I look at her and something in my expression must get to her, because she sobers up pretty quickly and I can practically see the lump forming in her throat.

"There was one night when we had dinner" I start, turning more towards her so I don't have to twist my head so much. "I wanted her to talk about her mum's death. But she somehow twisted around our discussion toward me… and you." I give her a tight smile, and she nods for me to go on. "I tried to throw her off strife, but Mattie can be horribly stubborn. She just kept going on and just bluntly asked me if I loved you."

Mac swallows heavily. "She did?" I nod. "And what did you tell her?" I look down at my hands which I have clasped together, with one arm on the armrest of the armchair, the other one hanging down. "I told her I did." There, simple as that. When I look up at Mac again, she looks as though she had just been hit by a streak of lightning. I don't really understand why though, since I've told her that I love her more than once recently.

When her head lowers and she looks at the hands in her lap, I move her chin upward. "Hey. Penny for your thoughts?" She gives me another tight smile. "It's nothing. I'm just not used to you being so… open about this." In a way she is right of course. I chuckle at the memory of that evening. "Well, Mattie has a way of just squeezing things out of people. You'll learn that too."

This finally brings the laughter back to her eyes and a second later to her lips as well. "It explains a lot. When she sent you down for a coffee in the hospital she practically interrogated me and all but gave me the 'if you hurt him' speech." She looks away as if remembering it and then goes on telling me, that Mattie told her she had always known that I was a package deal of sorts. Once again the girl amazes me.

Talking about Mattie brings me to another topic that Mac and I should talk about soon. This apartment, though convenient, is not really what I want for a place to live and I think Mac doesn't really feel at home here either. I carefully phrase my question, because I don't know if this is going to be just another minefield.

"Have you thought about living arrangements yet?" Shit, the moment I say it I know the careful phrasing of my question flies out the window. Her eyes go down to her hands again but not before I see the flash of hurt and anger cross them. "Mac, I didn't mean to push you away!" This time I put a lot of force into my voice because I just know she won't pay any attention to what I say otherwise. "Mac, look at me!" When she lifts her eyes I go on. "I didn't mean to say that I don't want you living with me. Hell, I think I need you to be living at our place with me. I just didn't know whether or not you are ready for that." I wave around the room and mean the apartment we are sharing at the moment.

"Well, I guess we are doing pretty well so far." Good, that gives me a point to start somewhere. "Considering the fact that Mattie will come to live here before too long, I want to look into some possibilities. I mean… this place isn't really sufficient."

She nods her understanding. "I know, you sleeping on a couch isn't going to work forever." I didn't exactly mean that. Sure I would love to sleep in a bed, preferably next to her, but I don't really think we are ready for that at the moment. Though I miss her at night. Having her in my arms that last night in my apartment felt so right and feeling her in my arms in the park earlier has only accelerated that longing again.

"I'll sleep on the couch for as long as I need to. I'm ok with that." And a tiny voice inside me yells at me that I'm a horrible liar. "But as I said, we should think about getting a place for us. I thought about getting a house or something similar. It has to be at ground level though, so Mattie won't have to climb stairs and all." Mac nods at me to indicate that she understood my intention.

"A house sounds nice. It would give us room." Well, I suppose Mac and I are on the same page here. That's certainly a good starting point. "I think our stuff should arrive sometime next week. The guys whom I handed my paperwork told me the container should arrive within ten days of my arrival here, so I suppose yours will be on the same ship."

It isn't unusual for the Navy to rent ship space when their personnel are assigned to overseas duty. "And I think we should look into places soon, because I don't want to unpack everything here just to rewrap it a couple weeks later."

Mac nods at that too and offers to check with some real estate agents while I go to the office on Monday. "Wow. That really means we're moving in together, huh?" Mac takes my hand in hers which is kind of uncomfortable from my sitting position, but I don't complain. "Are you sure you can handle that, sailor?" Her tone of voice is joking, but her eyes betray her once again. It's always her eyes that betray her, even though she does that thing with her upper lip when she's hiding something. But her upper lip is nothing compared to those dark brown orbs that so often threaten to bore right through me.

I lean forward so my face is closer to hers and when I look into her eyes I can only whisper "I can handle anything as long as you're there." And then I brush my lips against hers, because, by god, I've gotten addicted to this. Kissing her is like a drug and no matter how often I indulge in it, it becomes only worse each time.

The next one and a half hours are spent with planning. I find it rather funny actually. We throw ideas at each other about what we would like to look for in a house and after a while we fall into the habit of finishing the other's sentences again just like old times. It turns out Mac is actually very good with this kind of strategy making. She thinks of stuff that wouldn't even cross my mind even though I should have learned with my old apartment.

When I put in that I would like to do some of the work on our future place together, Mac holds up a hand. "I'm not going to put our food into a container of crushed ice just because you want to fix up the sockets yourself." I suppose that any house we could buy would already have sockets and I tell her so.

"I'm just saying. Besides that, we will be busy enough with painting and all that, not to mention your job." She's got a point there I suppose. But hey, between the two of us we could renovate a place easily but I need to bring in a tease anyway. "You just can't handle a paint roller." Mac bursts into laughing at that. "Harmon Rabb, you've no idea. I hate to say this, but I've probably painted more walls than you can ever hope to, no matter if you renovated your old apartment from scratch or not."

I know I look dumbfounded for a moment. "I used to work with a team of craftspeople for two summers when I was at school. It was before I started relying on the bottles and my father was thankful for it, because it got me out of his hair." There is a sadness underlying her voice and since I don't know what to say to it, I pull her into my arms gently for a moment.

If it wasn't so late, I'd suggest we go out to a furniture store and check out things, since neither mine nor her container will have much furniture in them. Since I decided to keep the apartment in D.C. I left most things there, such as my bed, the couches and the dining table. And with Mac subletting her flat to Varice that is more of the same. But the stores are all closed by now and since tomorrow is Sunday we won't have a chance to do it then either.

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**1831 local**

We decide to ditch the planning for a while, since neither of us has eaten anything decent since breakfast. Even though I would never admit it to Harm, a burger just doesn't keep me satiated for long and it's already been a couple hours since I had one.

Rather than letting Harm do all the work, we prepare dinner together and for once I agree on his vegetarian lasagna, realizing we don't have any meat since I forgot to get some. Harm has that triumphing grin on his face once I make the announcement and for some reason I can't wait for Mattie to come here, since I know for a fact that she likes real food too. Boy, I'm already glad he doesn't decide on his meatless meatloaf because that would definitely mean I order take out from whatever place delivers here.

We work in comfortable silence, joking and teasing one another every now and then, and it feels like it used to before it all got fucked up. Earlier we even had a moment when we finished each other's sentences like so long ago and I get the feeling that the sharing of these quarters has somehow forced us to accommodate each other in ways we never had to before. Sure, Harm left for work yesterday, but we spent all day together today and that has never really happened before, not off duty anyway. And I have to admit I like it. A lot.

The lasagna has the advantage of not taking too much time which is convenient since both of us are ravenous. Harm tasting the sauce and veggies every few seconds confirms my suspicion that his sandwich was not as satisfying as he claimed it to be.

But the closer dinner gets, the closer we get to the talk that I don't really want to have. I know that we have to talk about things. As it is now, they are hanging over our heads like swords and no matter how well we can adjust to our new situation, as long as they keep hanging there, I don't see any real future for us. Somehow I think we should write all the topics that bother us onto pieces of paper and throw them into a big can, then draw one topic to talk about every night or so… but scheduling this probably isn't the best of ways anyway, so we might as well start this one and see where it goes.

Harm doesn't start it and I know he won't. In a way I curse him. Why does he always have to be so damn noble about everything? Well, I suppose here it goes…

"Harm, about this afternoon…" I trail off again. How am I supposed to start this? Harm only lifts his eyes to me but doesn't say anything. I decide to approach this like a Marine. And as I have pointed out to him once, we don't duck. Not even from talks like this one.

"It didn't have anything to do with you." Great, as if he doesn't know that already. "It's just… when I saw these diamonds it reminded me of all the shit that has been going on down there. It… just hit me by surprise that's all." He nods and takes another bite of his food, which tastes really good, even though it doesn't contain the smallest piece of dead animal.

"I thought I had worked through it but you know… every now and then something comes up and I remember." I know Harm doesn't know all the details of what happened down there, but what he knows is enough for him to nod and I can see in his face that he remembers as well.

Paraguay is so much more than a mission to me. It was almost the end of everything I had and have with Harm, because after he had left JAG we didn't even have a friendship. We didn't even speak to each other since that night when he left me and Clay at the hospital. And when I came to his place about the Imes debacle he made it pretty clear that he didn't really want to talk to me.

"It wasn't pretty." That's all he says and from the look on his face and the tone in his voice I hear that he isn't only talking about the horrible things he saw in that southern country. "You lost your job!" I know that Harm found it ungrateful by the Admiral after all he had done. I mean even I was shocked when Chegwidden told him in plain words that he was no longer wanted at JAG or in the Navy.

Harm brings me back to our conversation with a sad smile. "I lost a lot more than my job, Mac." His eyes bore into me. It is this intense gaze again that has made me stop in my doings so often in the past, but this time I can't stand it. I have to avert my eyes because I'm suddenly ashamed of myself. Harm had thrown away his career to come after me in a situation that was pretty much going to get him killed and yet he came anyway. I know I owe him my life and not just that.

"I never thanked you for coming after me, did I?" It's not really a question. We both know the answer. I didn't even back him up when Chegwidden all but threw him out. Not really. Sure I made that remark about him having saved my life, but it seems so like nothing in comparison.

Harm gives me another of these sad smiles. "There is nothing to thank me for. You would have done the same." Harm sounds more confident in that than I feel which is a saddening thought altogether, because I know there was a time when I would have, at the drop of a hat. But would I have gone after him like this after everything? I like to think that I would have, but I'm not certain.

I know I'm grasping for straws, but feeling ashamed like this is a difficult thing for me. "It must have been a tough decision!" I look at him and I actually believe that it must have been hard to stand up to the Admiral like that. Harm would have never told me, but Sturgis once filled me in about that particular shouting match during lunch. "On the contrary. It was the easiest decision I've ever made!"

That takes the air out of my lungs, the lasagna forgotten in front of me. I should have known that too. Looking at it from his point of view I can see why he can make this statement. He almost resigned his commission for Sergei whom he had only known a couple weeks. For the millionth time I wonder what brought us to this point and for the millionth time I come up with the same answer: I was too much of a coward to see what was right in front of me. I can not really blame this on him. This time it was me who fucked it up.

Sure, Harmon Rabb has made his fair share of mistakes too. He isn't innocent in the matter of our relationship. He has betrayed and hurt me more often than I care to admit and more often than I would have allowed any other man. But the aftermath of Paraguay is my doing.

"What was your plan?... In Paraguay I mean?" I change tactics momentarily. A woman can always try, right? Harm leans back and ignores his own food too. I think we will need to warm it up later, because neither of us has eaten much and I know my lasagna is cold by now. "I didn't really have a plan." Well, I suppose this is an honest answer. "All I knew was that I needed to find you and get you somewhere safe after Chegwidden told me you and Webb had gone missing down there. Apart from that I didn't care for much."

In a way this is so much like Harm, acting on the impulse and all. "I mean, I didn't have any intention of saving Webb's fucked up mission. All I cared about was getting you out of there so I could…" He clamps down on his words. So he could what? I think I know the answer to that. And he knows I know it too. "So you could tell me you love me?" He gives me a jerky nod. "When the Admiral told me the company had lost track of you two I was confirmed in my suspicion. You had been on many dangerous assignments before, with and without me. But something about that one just felt odd. And I was right."

He leans forward again and takes my hand in his, squeezing it hard as if to assure himself that I was really there with him. "I couldn't sleep, Sarah. I couldn't even eat. I kept dreaming the most horrible things about what was happening to you down there. It almost made me loose my mind."

"But why the stony behavior afterward? I mean when we were back at that hotel, you treated me like you could care less!" And that's right. It had felt like he didn't care. At first he had made that remark about me when I was in the bathtub and that had sounded sincere. But once Webb had joined us… he had acted so prematurely.

"What was I supposed to think?" And now his voice gets incredulously louder and he has a hard time hiding his hurt. "You had kissed Webb, of all people, right in front of my eyes and when he entered that hotel room you practically fell into his arms. And then when we were alone again, you weren't exactly the charming princess either!"

I guess I deserved that one, nevertheless my instincts tell me not to let him act like this. Yelling at each other isn't going to do us any good. "Harm.." I start in a level tone, waiting for him to look at me again. "Webb and I had seen a lot during these four weeks. He had been tortured for hours on end and they made me listen to it for just as long. I heard everything, Harm. Every… single… round. "The last part I hiss through clenched teeth, because it still makes me angry. I'll never forget that sound again.

"So when I saw that he was alive at the hotel, I was simply glad that he had made it out. There was absolutely no reason for your jealousy." I let the statement sink in for a second before I go on, not telling him that I had been feeling a little joy about his jealousy back then. "And when we were alone together, you couldn't even admit to it. Instead you started insulting me in a way that I honestly believed was beneath you."

Shame flickers across his own features and maybe, just maybe he understands what it was like to hear him throw my failed relationships into my face, considering the fact that at least two of them ended because of what I felt for him. "I was sorry about that the moment it left my mouth." His voice is down now, barely a murmur. "I was just… nothing was like I had expected it to be."

Just what had he expected? I ask him and instead of answering he looks down at his barely touched plate as if to collect his thoughts. He is silent for what feels like an eternity and I feel like screaming in frustration but when he starts to speak again, his voice sounds firm and sure. "As I said: I didn't really have a plan besides rescuing you. But…I swore to myself that if I could get you out of there I would tell you everything. Everything I felt, everything I wanted from you and with us."

I remember the hotel room before Webb had come bursting in with Gunny. We were talking and teasing each other, flirting really. And I remember us leaning in, almost kissing. "Then why did you just accept everything and walk away?" Great Marine, really great. What else was he supposed to do after you all but told him that he should go and fuck himself before you went back to the airport?

Harm gives me a bitter snort. "What else was I supposed to do?" Huh. From his perspective that makes sense… kind of. Seeing me with Webb, my statement before going to the airport and then my behavior when we got back here… "I didn't get any signals from you that you wanted something more, not down there. Quite the contrary in fact. At least after Webb came back. And I certainly didn't get any when we were back home."

He looks me straight in the face as if he is expecting me to make the next move in this conversation. "I called you 17 times while you were with the CIA." It doesn't really surprise me that I can remember the exact number of phone calls. In the beginning I had wanted to talk to him and explain some stuff that had happened. After a while I would have been glad to talk to him at all, even if it had been about the weather or something. I had missed him, missed my best friend.

"You never returned them, not a single one." There had been times when I came home from the office and would rush to my phone just to see if he had called and ending up disappointed and angry when there was neither a message nor a caller ID on it that would have suggested that he had at least tried.

"I guess that was not one of my brighter movements, huh?" I can hear the uncertainty in his voice that all of a sudden sounds pretty small. He's not cocky now, not arrogant or self conscious. In fact he seems to be pretty insecure about the whole matter. "I didn't know what I should talk to you about. It didn't seem like there was anything left to say after Paraguay. And after everything… there didn't seem to be anything left of the way things used to be and I tried to move on without JAG, without the Navy and… without you." Another bitter chuckle. "Not that I was any successful at it."

And there it is again. The hurt. But I had been just as hurt, only for other reasons. "Why didn't you fight?" And this time I get a look that I rarely saw directed at me in our past. I last saw it that night I went by his place for help with the Imes case. It's not a snort, nor an arrogant grin. It's a full blown sneer. "Because I was tired of it, Mac." His voice gets louder again, but nothing like it was earlier. "In that hotel room you practically accused me of not stating my intentions, the same happened just before you went off to Paraguay at my apartment, saying I only got… like that… when you have one foot out the door. What more could I have done to 'state my intentions' than throw everything to the drink to save the woman I love? Somehow I kinda felt that if you didn't get it like that then you either wouldn't want to or didn't feel like I did." He stops to take a breath. I feel the anger bubble up inside myself but I stand my ground. We are going to talk this through. There is no way around this. I always knew that it would hurt and I suppose I take as good as I give.

I guess that pretty much sums it up in the end. I had pushed once too often and he had simply stopped pushing back. "I guess that's fair." I can't keep the sadness from my voice. I know I hurt him then, badly so. And what is even worse, I hurt myself in the process, because my actions pretty much led us to a non-communication, and a non-existing friendship.

"Why did you say what you did, that last night in Paraguay?" It's a fair question and the one question I had been expecting ever since this started. I don't really have an answer. What I said to him back then seems so ridiculous, especially considering that I still wanted the 'us' which I claimed couldn't exist. "I don't know. Despite what I said, I wanted you. But at that moment, there was so much going through my head." I look over the table instead of him. Somehow that makes it easier to admit to this particular minefield.

"Such as?" I don't have a good answer to that right away. What was going through my head that night? Being alive when I should have been dead? Seeing my partner at my side when he should have been in Washington? Acting another man's wife when in love with Harm? How things could have gone different so easily? I don't really know how to voice this. "The things that had happened had forced me to take a look at things. And I think the anger about Sadik getting away, the frustration of us not being able to communicate like adults, the fact that we were both acting prematurely and the very likely possibility of all of us dying down there had twisted me I guess and I took it out on you. I don't have any better explanation than that, because deep down I was still clinging to 'us' and to you."

I take a deep breath because I don't quite know how to word the next one. "And added to that, I… well you had given up your career for me and that idea kind of freaked me out I think. I know how much being in the Navy means to you, how much being an officer defines you and the sheer intensity of that gesture was enough to frighten me in a way that not even Sadik could. At that moment in my life I was nowhere near ready for this. I didn't even know what to do with that gesture. I tried to talk myself into believing that you did it for your country… But deep down I knew you came to save ME. And even then I guess I sensed that you gave up JAG and the Navy without blinking twice." I look down at my hands again, because I don't want to look at him. Not right now anyway. I had lashed out that night, out of anger and frustration and he had simply been in the line of fire.

I cannot hide the tears that start watering my eyes but I blink them away furiously. "My life was fucked up pretty badly and looking back I don't even recognize myself anymore." He seems to accept that as an answer and I'm grateful for that.

When I look up, I realize Harm has somehow moved closer to me and he reaches out to hold my face with his big hand, turning my head gently towards him. He takes my left hand in his other and I'm surprised and even shocked to see that his features have changed from anger to that gentle loving expression I love so much. "There is no need to blame it all on yourself, Mac. We both made mistakes in the past. The important thing is what we do about the future. Neither of us can promise not to hurt each other, with our track record that would be pretty damn pointless. What I want you to know is that I will never intentionally hurt you."

I feel a smile graze at my lips at that. Leave it to Harm to make horrible things halfway bearable. "Same goes for me." I don't really have the power for anything more right now. All I want at the moment is him wrapping his strong arms around me so I can assure myself once again, that he is here with me. And somehow he must have sensed this, because before I know it, he pulls me up from my chair and folds me into his strong arms, leaning my head against his shoulder.

Harm's arms always make me feel better and even at times when we were at odds with each other, holding him and being held like this made all the difference in the world. "Think we should heat up our dinner now?" He sounds casually and after the last hour I think we both need a break. When he leans away from me and looks down I feel myself returning his smile.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**0916 local**

I grin to myself when I put the toast on the plates before I pick up the tray and carefully balance it on my arm, while angling for the door handle to the bedroom with the other. I don't really know what possessed me to prepare our breakfast like this, but when the idea struck me to surprise her like that I couldn't resist.

Making my way to the bed I realize she never pulled the blinds closed last night, which works in my favor since it spares me the work of opening them. I set the tray on her nightstand and grin down at her sleeping form. Sarah MacKenzie is as beautiful as it gets but when she is asleep like this, there is a peacefulness about her that makes her look all innocent.

I bend down to her and lightly brush her lips with mine and even though she doesn't wake up right away, she responds almost immediately. In a way we are a funny pair. We kiss and cuddle all the time now, yet we still haven't left the friendship level. It doesn't take long for her to turn on her back and drag me with her so I'm halfway on the bed, covering her upper body with mine and kissing her for all I'm worth.

"Good morning, sailor." Her voice is still raspy from sleep, or is it husky? I'll never know because that moment her nose picks up the smell of freshly brewed coffee and she grins at me when she spots the tray on her nightstand. She lifts her eyebrow at me and I can just feel the blush creeping up my cheeks. "Breakfast in bed?"

I shrug. "I thought I'd surprise you. And it's Sunday, so I figured we could laze around for a while." She turns over and, motioning for me to move to the far side of the bed, she puts the tray right in the middle, sitting cross legged next to it and digs into her omelet and the toast like the Marine she is. "I like the way you think. I always wanted to wake up to breakfast in bed." I grin at that and silently add that I would love to wake up to her in preference to breakfast any day.

In a way I was playing with fire when I prepared breakfast like this, after all, in my mind Mac and me in a bed doesn't exactly concern food and eating, especially not fully clothed, but we seem to be doing well on that front and even though it's hard to admit, right now these thoughts are pretty far from my mind. I simply enjoy myself and if her behavior is any indication, so does she.

We spend a good part of the morning like this talking about anything and nothing like in the good old times. At one point she asks me when the Robert's and Coates are due and I tell her that Cresswell notified me of their arrival by Wednesday night.

I have already arranged for their quarters rather than asking Graves to do so. Considering we still don't have an operating phone around here I don't want to delegate that job, especially since Bud and Harriet will bring the kids and I don't even want to think about them needing medical attention without a phone around or anything.

After a while, Mac becomes a bit more reluctant though. I can sense that there is something on her mind, and I just hope she doesn't start another talk like the one from last night so soon. I'm still kind of recovering from the revelations and admittances we made over dinner and I'm not sure I can handle another round of this right now.

"Do you think the ambassador's offer still stands?" That takes me by surprise. Sure the offer to work at the embassy isn't forgotten, but she hasn't brought it up since after dinner that very day and I didn't even know she had been thinking about it that much since.

"He didn't give any deadline, but it's only been a couple days. Have you considered it?" She gives me a silent nod. "I've thought some about it. I mean it would be great to work for the government like this and it opens a whole lot of possibilities." That is true. Mac would be appointed to diplomatic service which could get her her own embassy one day.

"I've been thinking. As things are now I entered the country as a tourist and that means I'd have to leave in a couple of weeks and then spend three months in the States before re-entering the country. And as you pointed out a few days ago, I didn't exactly feel happy in private practice." I know that very well. Mac didn't come back to JAG just because she missed her colleagues, though I figure that was a part of it. Mac is as dedicated to our country as I am, maybe even more so. Her giving up the Marines is not easy for her, even though I know why she did it and I love her for it.

"Well, as I said, I think you are very good at international law. You've always been a good negotiator while we were in foreign countries and you are a lot more diplomatic than I can ever hope to be. Not to mention that it's a very well respected position."

She nods at that and the light in her eyes tells me, that she has already warmed up to the idea of working for Witherspoon. "What about the courtroom?" I need to throw that in. As I promised her a couple days ago, I would be her advocatus diaboli eventually. And I don't want her to agree to a job offer due to anything but her wish to honor it.

She nibbles on a slice of orange for a moment before she continues. "I'll miss it I think. But as you pointed out, neither one of us would be involved in many cases. And maybe it's simply time to move on. And to be honest, I think it's a great honor to be asked to work at an embassy. I don't believe I can let that one slip by me."

True on both accounts again. Problem is, other than the lack of a courtroom I don't really see any catch in the position that Witherspoon offered her, which makes it pretty hard to throw questions at her that will cause her doubt about her own suitability for the job. I myself am convinced that if there is ever anyone qualified for this position, it's the woman in front of me and I tell her so.

Mac surprises me with a slight blush and I lean over to kiss her. She tells me that she will sleep over it for another night or so before she makes up her mind and I agree. It is a big step. Another thought occurs to me, but I decide not to let her in just yet. Diplomats are also concerned with gathering certain information and I would hate the fact that she needs to work with anyone from the CIA anytime again. God knows she would give her life for her country, just like I would. But the thought of her in another of Webb's fucked up missions doesn't sit well with me.

The afternoon comes and with it we find ourselves in town again, wandering the city in a comfortable pace, without having any special places on our agenda. The city is full of tourists and even I have to remind myself, that we are not really tourists. It's another warm day and when we reach Madame Tussaud's museum we start laughing. Neither of us had actually planned to visit the place today, but since we believe in fate and all that, we decide to go in since we are already here.

**Madame Tussaud's cabinet**

**Marylebone Road, London**

**1536 local **

As soon as we enter the museum I'm impressed by the handiwork of the artists who made this possible. If I didn't know better I'd expect any of these statues to start moving any second. Mac and I have a lot of fun guessing all the people we don't recognize. It's not like we are against culture or anything. Far from it actually. But there are some people in European conscience that we never heard about. I mean sure, everybody knows the Royals, but since we rarely have anything to do with these kind of things, I give Mac another opening to tease me.

"Harm, you don't honestly want to tell me you don't know Prince's William and Harry?" Prince who? Mac rolls her eyes at my cluelesness. "Come on flyboy. William is like the most wanted bachelor among European royalty! You can't honestly tell me you've never heard about him." Of course I've heard about the fact that there are two sons to the future King of England, but hey, I'm a guy. "Mac, I don't read tabloids. I know that their mother is dead, I know they are filthy rich and I know that one of them joined the Royal Air Force to fly jets."

I grin at her. Considering the fact that I don't read tabloids I think I know quite a bit, but Mac waves her hand and marches on. "Harm, both princes joined the military, it's a tradition among the British Royals. And why doesn't it surprise me that you know that William is flying jets?" I try to fake an innocent face, but she doesn't buy it. "Ok, I admit it. I peeked at one of the magazines when it was my turn to accompany Mattie to the hairdresser." She grins at that and I get the feeling she's got a very hard time keeping in her laughter. I lift my hands in mock surrender. "Hey it was the only thing to read around the whole place!"

But Mac doesn't listen to me anymore. She is already moving ahead towards another room where they keep the sports stars. Now, I've always been interested in sports, but European sports just seem to be strange. I mean, it all seems to be about soccer around here. London alone has I don't know how many clubs and stadiums. I understand the concept of rugby as it seems like our football, though without all the gear. Then there is cricket, which looks an awful lot like baseball, but I'll never get why people want to watch soccer.

We stop in front of a guy called 'David Beckham' and Mac seems to like what she sees. "I'll never know why people want to watch that. It's 24 idiots running after a ball for an hour." And now Mac really burst into laughter… well maybe she's snickering. "Harmon Rabb! For your information… it's 22 idiots of which of whom 20 run after the ball while the other two protect the goal and a match takes 90 minutes. And just look at these guys here… they are good looking and they only wear shorts and a shirt. They are well muscled, have a good stamina and they earn a shitload of money! What more could a woman ask for?"

I raise my eyebrows at that and almost choke on the words. "Well muscled and good stamina? Just how would you know about that?" What am I? A guy without stamina then? "Awww, did your ego just take another hit?" As a matter of fact… yes! "Men are so predictable with this." She simply pats my arm like she would offer reassurance, but the smirk on her face shows me the opposite. She really enjoys this. But I know for a fact that there are other figures portrayed here and I'll be damned if I don't have a bit fun messing around with her before we leave this place again.

And sure enough we end up in the room portraying the pop stars pretty soon. I would have never thought that living with a teenager could be of any particular help in a case like this, but living with Mattie for over a year really taught me some elemental things about music stars. Whenever I came home, either my stereo was blaring some stuff or the one in Jen's and Mattie's apartment was loud enough to shake the walls in mine. I know them all…Britney Spears, Robbie Williams, Justin Tomblake or whatever… well at least I know many.

I position myself strategically and try to look very admiring when Jennifer Lopez comes into view. She definitely is a beautiful woman with legs to die for. It's funny that a couple years ago a woman like her would have interested me. Not that I would have a shot with Jennifer Lopez, but there were a couple women who were right up her alley where looks were concerned. And nowadays… even if I woke up tomorrow morning with Jennifer Lopez draped all over my bed I'd tell her to get the fuck out of my apartment before my Marine throws her out.

"Flyboy, you need a towel? Cause you're drooling all over the place!" Mac nudges her arm into my side as she steps next to me. "Mac, I'm not drooling, I'm admiring the uh… handiwork of the artists." Ok, that came out wrong. "Besides, why should I be drooling over a wax doll of Jennifer Lopez, when the most beautiful woman is standing right next to me?" It comes out before I can think about it and therefore is very effectively killing my own get-back-at-her-tactic.

But I realize once again, that it is true. No matter how many women walk past me, I've yet to meet one as beautiful as Sarah MacKenzie. The laughter has left her face and we stare at each other for a moment. I keep her gaze and look right down into her wonderful brown eyes and before I can stop myself, my lips move over hers in a tantalizingly sweet kiss that she returns enthusiastically.

My ears turn hot, when we stop and I spot an elderly couple looking at us in mild amusement. I take Mac's hand without turning back to the other couple and walk us over to the politicians, where we are both at ease and comfortable. And I make sure to keep a respectable distance between us. And just when did I turn into this teenager who can't keep his hormones in check?

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**1904 local**

We return home from today's outing which turned into a really great day. First Harm surprised me with breakfast in bed and then we spent a wonderful afternoon strolling through one of the most famous museums in all of London. I enjoyed myself a lot, especially the teasing between Harm and me. The fact that he read a magazine on European Royality in a hair dresser shop still makes me giggle inwardly.

After the tour through Madame Tussaud's Harm treated me to a dinner in one of the small restaurants in the city which concluded the already wonderful day. It is kind of funny, that in the four full days we spent here, we only ever had dinner at home once. I make a mental note to make sure we cook more often. I love dinner out but there is something about having a nice quiet evening at home.

Since there really isn't anything else we can do at home other than talk, we decided to go by the DVD store just off the Underground station and get a movie to watch for the night. I'm really looking forward to our stuff arriving here, because this just feels too much like one of our investigation trips to god knows where.

It doesn't take long for me to get comfortable on the couch and Harm comes over with a bag of home made popcorn and two bottles of diet coke. I make another mental note to make this real coke. I hate diet coke.

He settles in next to me but keeps a few inches between us… proper distance. I sigh. Its funny how often we kiss and touch these days, yet in a situation like this he would always try to be the proper gentleman. I decide to scoot closer to him and put my head on his shoulder. He jumps a bit at the sudden movement but when I ask him whether or not this would be alright, he gives me one of these absent minded nods that I've come to associate with us being so close.

And I need to feel him like that. Right now, we kind of live like brother and sister but I also know that I won't be able to do that for much longer. I long for him and I can feel that he fights it too. We have made some really serious progress since we came here. When we talked last night, we really listened to each other. It hurt to hear his side of events and it hurt even more to admit my own mistakes in them. But unlike all the talks or attempts at talks that forced us apart, this one has brought us closer and I really cherish that.

The movie passes in silence and somewhere along I hear Harm's breathing even out which indicates that Navy has fallen asleep on the Corps for a change. Usually it's the other way around, but well... I let him sleep anyway and as long as he holds me against his chest like that I'm not going to complain.

It is an hour later that the final credits of the movie wake me up as well. Seems like I've joined Harm after all. He stirs against me and in his sleep foggy brain he forgets to stop the wince that escapes his lips when he moves to a more sitting position since we have both slipped down a bit.

"Hey, you ok?" I don't wait for his answer and instead turn him around and start massaging his shoulders which are horribly tense as is the rest of his back. It's a miracle that he can still sit and move with so many knots. "Move over!" And he does without complaining which tells me he is in a lot more pain than he wants to admit.

I move Harm down on the sofa and straddle his back. In any other situation this might not go over well, but Harm is in pain and from the sitting position I just can't work his back the way I can like this. I even make him take his shirt off which I admit gives me a nice view but I ignore the thought for the time being.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**1657 local**

I sit thinking… again. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. And yeah, there is a lot to think about. Harm brought me my terminal leave papers on Monday and slowly it starts to think in, that I'm no longer a Lieutenant Colonel in the Corps. It doesn't really bother me, but it still feels strange. I know what I gave it up for and I know why. If I had to make the same choice again, I wouldn't do it any differently. I always knew that when the time came that I'd have to choose between Harm and my uniform the uniform wouldn't stand a chance. Yet, it is the end of an era. I've worn it for almost 18 years and I've always been proud of it. As I told Harm a couple days ago… this will take some serious getting used to.

Yesterday evening I told Harm that I would take the ambassador up on his offer to work at the embassy. I called Witherspoon on Monday morning to get the full specs of the job and he sent me the official offer via email only an hour later. Harm put up a really good mock fight against this, throwing questions at me to cause doubt about this and yet, it only convinced me more. If all goes well, I should be able to start my duties at the embassy by May 1st but there are a couple legalities that need to be worked out, such as me being appointed to the diplomatic services and getting a certificate and all that.

Also, I haven't been too lazy since Harm went to the office on Monday morning. Other than taking care of my professional future, I went to several real estate agents and gathered some information about buying a house around here. Harm and I both agreed that it would be convenient to stay in the more rural area of London where we could have a little garden and some space. Both of us have lived in apartments in the city and we don't really want a repetition of the noise and the traffic.

We have an appointment with one of the agents in Camden Town tomorrow. The guy had sent us some pictures of the two houses he wanted to show us via the internet – which is finally working – and one of the houses is very much the accumulation of all our hopes and dreams. I'm looking forward to that, especially since our things have arrived in harbor this afternoon.

I check my internal clock and figure that I've got another 20 minutes before Harm comes to pick me up, so we can meet Bud and his family at Heathrow. I'm glad that they are finally coming, since it will give me something to do. Harm arranged for them and Coates to have apartments in our complex here, so we will all be really close together for the time being. I took it upon myself to stock their kitchens and made sure that their communication is working on both phone and internet lines.

In a way it was nice to be alone with Harm for the last days, but I can't wait to talk to Harriet as she is really the only friend I've got that I can talk about stuff without worrying about her telling on me. I chuckle to myself for a moment, when I remember the early days of Bud and Harriet's romance at JAG. They were so helpless and yet so cute together. Harriet was all for gossip. I guess she still is, but with time she has learned to keep certain things to herself, especially after Bud's accident.

There are some things I would never tell her, but having her here will be a good thing. And I'll get to spoil my godchildren for a couple days before I start my own work at the embassy, assuming all the paperwork is finished. With things as delicate as this, the government wants all the i's dotted and t's crossed, which is understandable.

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**2148 local**

I sigh when Mac and I finally reach our apartment door again. I wonder how Harriet and Bud manage with four kids and still come out sane. I love these little buggers though. I hadn't even realized how much AJ has grown in the last few months… guess I was simply busy with my own life and that makes me sad in a way.

I only admitted to myself how much I had missed the familiarity of having a beer with Bud and spending time together like in the old days. It's been almost two years since we last sat together like that. I'm not surprised that Bud and Harriet chose Mikey to be the godfather of Nicky and her twin brother. Though Mac is godmother to all four of the little Roberts'. It seems like I gave the impression of not caring for my closest friends in the fallout of Paraguay and I want nothing better than to kick myself for it… and kick hard. Bud is one of the closest and most loyal friends I could ever hope for.

I plop down on the sofa and sigh again deeply while Mac rummages around in the kitchen to get us some water. I remember the enthusiastic young Lieutenant j.g. who risked his career for his friend who had just escaped from the brig. I can't believe I've been so distant recently. No wonder he was so surprised when I asked him to be my best man. Looking at things from his perspective, he must have thought I don't value him as more than a co-worker any longer.

Not for the first time recently I wish for a time turner to appear in my hand. But it doesn't. The sofa shifts next to me and I look over puzzled to find Mac already back with our water. "That went rather well." And I need to agree with her. Picking up the Roberts and Coates from the airport and having a sort of welcome party for them at the O-club down the street was great. Sure, they were tired as hell from the flight, but Mac and I had still wanted to give them a proper welcome and make sure they got to their apartments.

Theoretically, it would be Bud's first day at the office tomorrow, but considering the time they spent on the plane I gave both him and Coates off until Tuesday. My interim Yeoman managed not to drive me completely crazy yet, so I suppose I can survive him for another day. Though I'm excited that both my Assistant Judge Advocate and my personal assistant have finally arrived and it kind of feels, like I only now start work for real.

I'm also extremely proud of the woman next to me. She decided to take the position at the embassy and Witherspoon seemed very delighted about the prospect. And he should be too. Hell, if I could I would make her work for me, but that hasn't been in the cards. Especially not considering our plans for the not so distant future.

I take her hand in mine and remind myself again, that I'll need to make a trip to a jewelry store to do something about her still bare hand. We've been engaged for over a week and she still doesn't have anything to show for. But I'll be damned if she won't wear one when she starts her new job, because there just isn't any way that she won't be wearing a symbol that indicates that she is already taken.

Mac cuddles up to me and I wrap my arms around her and we just sit in silence, enjoying each others closeness. God, she feels so right in my arms like this, as if she was made to fit into my side. I've waited so long for us to become so close and yet it never seems close enough. The fact that we have kind of agreed to a kissing and cuddling relationship for now is freeing in one way and restraining in so many others. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to fight the urge to do more than just kiss. It seems to get harder every time we try.

I also know that I won't be able to sleep on that sofa for much longer. Last night my back almost killed me and I promised myself that I'd get a heating pad during lunch break tomorrow. I'll just have to sneak it in and use it once Mac is in bed. I hope we can find an appropriate house soon, and since Mattie isn't here yet, it will mean there is at least one unoccupied bedroom which I'll be able to use until Mac and I have sorted out our twisted relationship so we can move it up to the next logical level.

The thought of us living in the same home, a home that we both want to build together, is frightening in a way. Yes, I've wanted this for years, even when we were both with other partners, it was always her I imagined coming home to one day, maybe even to a child or two… one with her looks and my brains and one with my looks and her brains. But I guess that is a futile thought. I tighten my hold on her involuntarily and curse whichever power did this to her. Mac is such a wonderful person and she would make one hell of a mum.

"What is it?" she asks in a small voice as if she is afraid to jumble up the peacefulness of the scene. "Nothing!" I lie. "Just enjoying to have you here with me like this." I kiss her on the temple to emphasize my point. The last part was not a lie, not outright. I am more than glad to have her here with me, but I know the other thing bothers her a lot and even though I would never love her any less because of her medical condition, it bothers me because it hurts her so badly.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**Roberts' residence**

**1301 local**

I grin as Harriet moves all over the living room, picking up toys and teddy bears as she goes. This is just what I needed right now. A house full of kids is a lot better than a Harm-less apartment. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but Jimmy keeps throwing his things around and little AJ is no big help either." I smile at the reference to her oldest son. Back when Chegwidden was still around, Bud and Harriet had started calling their son 'little' AJ to avoid embarrassing situations with 'big' AJ when they talked about their kid. And for whatever reason, they kept the name.

Harriet and I decided to get together for lunch today, since both our men would be otherwise occupied. It is great to have someone around to chat to instead of spending my days waiting for Harm. Ok, I haven't been doing much waiting really, since I always found something to busy myself with, such as talking to real estate agents and doing all kinds of other errands.

"It's no problem, Harriet. I've seen worse. And you should get used to call me Sarah or at least Mac." She grins back at me in that motherly way that used to annoy me for a while. I mean I'm a couple years older than she is, yet she goes into mother-mode with me all the time.

We move to the kitchen to prepare our lunch once all infants are put away for their afternoon naps. I really wonder how Harriet handles it. It's amazing how much patience she can muster with the kids and I suppose three boys are a handful. We decide on salad and sandwiches since we will both have dinner with our significant others later.

"So, how's it going with you two?" Harriet asks between two forks of salad in a voice that is so casual, that she could have asked about the weather. I don't really choke on my food, but I'm once again reminded of her straightforwardness. Leave it to Harriet to ask all the bingo questions. "Have you guys made any plans for the wedding yet?"

Of course we haven't. Other than deciding to get married we didn't discuss anything else. "No we haven't yet and well… I suppose we are managing for the time being." I don't want to get into details just yet. She raises her eyebrows at my answer but keeps chewing her salad for a while longer before replying. "Well, I just thought that since you two decided to get married at the drop of a hat, that you'd want to do it soon." Which is true. I actually want to get married before the summer is over. There are just a couple things still in the way. "With Mattie still at the hospital, we don't really know how long it will be before she can join us here, so planning anything specific really isn't very clever."

She nods in understanding at that. "What about the rest? How is living together so far?" Harriet doesn't mean to be nosy, she is just being Harriet. And Harriet cares deeply for her friends. I've known that for years and it's alright with me usually… even welcomed normally. But right now she makes me kind of uncomfortable and as usual she has a hard time noticing that.

"As I said, we are doing ok I think, all things considered. We've been sightseeing a couple times, had dinners together. We've regained some of our old friendship." Harriet looks at me as though I'm missing the point. Good god, what does she want to know? Surely this couldn't be about… But Harriet raises her eyebrows in just that way of hers that makes me squirm. "We… uh… can I tell you something?." Great Marine! That sounded pretty convincing.

Harriet drops her fork at that and looks at me. She motions for me to go on. "Ok… well, Harm and I are on an almost friendship-only level right now." She quirks her eyebrow in that Harriet kind of way and looks at me. "Almost friendship only level? You mean… you guys…" She doesn't voice the rest but instead shakes her head 'no' to indicate what she means. God, and I'm supposed to be the lawyer. I also feel the blush creep up my body and knowing Harriet it isn't going to go past her. I wish there was hole in the ground so I could sink into it. But no such luck.

Ok, suck it up Marine. "We decided its better that way for the time being." I know it must sound confusing, considering that we are officially engaged, sans ring. I sigh and try again. "He's been sleeping on the couch since we got here." I leave out the part of our cuddling and kissing. I know Harriet is one of my best friends but there are some things she really doesn't have to know.

"Wow. But the other night I got the impression that, well that you two are a real couple." I smile at the memory and even more so at Harriet's confusion. "I mean, you stood close together, Harm had his arm around you and I saw him kissing you, too." Wow, I didn't know she kept taps on us that closely. "I didn't say we live like brother and sister, Harriet. We are taking things slow. But that doesn't mean we cannot express ourselves." And it's not like we can keep our hands off each other anyway.

The smile disappears from Harriet's features and she takes on that motherly glance again. Why does that always make me feel like a five year old? "So you and he are still working things out?" I nod to confirm it. She nods too. "You know I was sooo happy for you guys when you told us. But… it surprised the hell out of me after everything."

I give her a brave smile. Yes… it was definitely a surprise and no less of one to us. "I think the good thing about all this is that Harm and I know where we want to go now. And we've been working on our relationship since we came here. Talked a lot and all that." In a way I actually want to tell her about the rest. About the wonderful night Harm and I shared until our fight, of our decision to take things slow for the moment.

Harriet is silent for a moment, kind of pondering her next attack or something. "You and he have a lot of history to work through." Yeah we have… nine years of history to be exact, complete with failed relationships, hurtful remarks and the fact that no matter what, we always ended up together in the end.

I give her another affirmative nod. "We are working on it though and the close quarters are actually helping with it. We cannot really avoid each other, at least when he's off duty. We had a really good talk a couple days ago." I think back to that night after the wonderful day of sightseeing through London and a smile spreads over my face. "It was exhausting, but in a good way. I like to think we cleared at least some of the misunderstandings that stood between us recently."

Harriet waves her hand. "Don't tell me about misunderstandings. When Bud and I were first dating, we had more of them than anyone could handle. You know how Bud was back then, and sometimes he can still be just as clueless as he used to be. But in the end it didn't matter, because deep down I knew he was the one. And nothing he did could change that." She frowns for a moment at a memory I suppose before she adds "And you know, in the beginning I really hated that fact. I mean no matter what I always ended up forgiving him for one remark or another and I would actually find myself practicing the speech of ending things but then he stood in front of me in his clumsiness and the words I had practiced so hard flew right out the window."

Harriet laughs. It's really great to hear that laughter again. There have been times in the last couple years when she wouldn't even smile and she had good reasons for it too. I join in, remembering my own moments with Bud and that triggers the fact that Harm and I are similar to them in a way. I know he has forgiven many of my misdeeds and I know I gave him more leeway than I would give any other man.

"So, what's next with you guys?" I tell her that Harm and I are already looking into houses around the area and that we've already asked a couple agents. In fact, Harm and I have an appointment at one of the places we found online for next saturday. "What about your place in Rosslyn?"

Harriet shrugs. "Bud wasn't too sad that we would have to sell it. After all, I bought it when he was gone and even though he kind of accepted the facts when he came back, he was never as much into the house as I was. He often told me that he found it pretty, but I know it didn't sit well with him that my parents gave us the money and then stocked it with so many other things."

I can only agree with that. I know I felt like a traitor when we went to the _'Seahawk'_ for that tribunal and had to lie to Bud about why Harriet was acting funny, only to return home and instead lie to Harriet about Jennifer Coates. She goes on telling me, that now they would be looking for a house together and that there is an agreement between her and Bud to swing this one on their own bank accounts and not her parents' money.

There's been a question on my mind ever since Bud announced that he would accompany Harm to London. Sure, I had talked to Harriet about Bud's career at McMurphy's but I thought she had some sort of doubts and wanted to hear the other side of it. I never actually thought she would really reconsider her original statement of staying in Washington.

"May I ask you something?" Harriet keeps stuffing herself with the salad and encourages me with a wave of her hand. "What made you change your mind about coming here?" I cock my head to the left and look at her expectantly. But Harriet just gives me another shrug. "To be honest, I had a bit of a bad conscience to begin with. I mean the reasons I had for not wanting to go were good ones and they still are. But… I kinda felt bad for Bud, you know?"

I try to remain impassive for the time being. I could understand her reasons, though I found them a bit overprotective at the time. "I mean, I knew for a fact that Bud really wanted to go with Harm. And after Bud agreed to stay in Washington, I felt bad for him because I was very well aware of what a great chance this is for him and his career. When Cresswell came over and started questioning me on the matter at McMurphy's, I felt even more so. And you only confirmed what I already knew to be true. Bud didn't have much of a career at JAG what with all the new personnel coming in and Commander Turner there. And when I asked Bud what HE really wanted to do, he stumbled over his own words trying to please me, and I just knew I couldn't do it to him."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**0755 local**

I glare at the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand and realize it's alright to wake up. We have an appointment at 1000 and I don't want to be late. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and pad over to where I know Harm is still sleeping on the couch. Part of me is sorry for him. No matter how comfortable a couch is, it's not made out to be slept on, especially not at our age and not for almost two weeks either.

I crouch down low next to him and try to rouse him with a gentle kiss. As always, the response is almost instant and it doesn't take long for him to bring his arm out from under the blanket to pull me closer. "Hmmm, I could really get used to waking up like this." He mumbles still not completely there yet. "Come on, Navy. Time to get up and have some breakfast."

"Marines… your first thought is always about food." He mumbles, but finally opens his eyes dutifully and throws back his sheets. When he gets up I get a glimpse of the object he has obviously been sleeping on. "Harm?" He looks over at me with a confused expression when I lift the object from the couch.

His face falls instantly. "I can explain that." I'm sure it doesn't only sound lame to me. "Explain?" I feel my voice harden and my temper rising. "Mac, come on, it's not a big deal." I can't believe it. "Not a big deal? Harm, how long have you been sleeping on a heating pad?" He moves his hand through his hair in exasperation and tries again. "Mac…" But he trails off, knowing that I wouldn't buy the 'I'm fine'-speech. Following the cable to the socket I pull it out and my suspicions are confirmed: It's not an American plug, which means he must have bought it around here.

"How long?" I'm starting to get angry. Why couldn't he just tell me he was in pain? Waving his hand in the general direction of the offending object in my hand he says "three or four nights." He doesn't meet my eyes and I just keep staring at him. I'm speechless. When he looks back up again, I feel my eyebrows go up but instead of speaking I just keep waiting. "Ok, 5 nights alright? It's not the end of the world, Mac. And it's not like I haven't done that before."

I throw the heating pad back onto the sofa and walk over to him. "Why didn't you say something?" I remember him having trouble on the plane and a conversation from years ago when he told me about punch outs hurting the spine comes to my mind. He puts his hands on my shoulders and makes me look at him. "Mac, it's really nothing unusual. I'm fine."

I shake my head wildly. No he isn't and the fact that he declines it so diligently tells me that he only says it for my comfort. "Stop it, Harm. This is completely stupid. If you are in pain I want to know about it. You're not going to sleep on that couch again." He tries to interrupt me, but I won't have any of it. If he is really that concerned about what might happen with both of us in the same bed, I'll be the one to sleep on the couch, but I really think this is silly.

"I won't let you sleep on the couch, Mac. That's unacceptable!" Damn him, why does he always have to be so macho? Always the gentleman. One of these days it will drive me nuts.

"Fine, then we will just have to be decent about sharing the bed." The look he gives me is somewhere between fear and insecurity. "I'm not talking about sex, Harm." He gives me a shaky nod and his voice isn't very sure either. "I know." He swallows hard. "I just thought that after last time…" He trails off. I know what he's talking about. "We will just have to be careful, ok?" With that I turn around and head for the shower. A part of me is determined to waste all the hot water there is, because I'm still fuming, but in the end I can't make myself do it and step out to get dressed.

Over breakfast he starts apologizing in his very Harm-ish way and once again, I end up forgiving him. Of course there isn't really anything to forgive. He was only trying to accommodate our current living arrangements with his complaining body but it still bugs me that he didn't just come out and tell me.

"I'm sorry about the heating pad, Mac. But I didn't want you to think I was pushing the envelope or anything… " I know all that, but still. "Harm, we need to be honest with each other or this is not going to work the way we want it to. I want to know when things are bothering you and I want to help, alright?" he gives me his brave smile and I can't hide the one forming on my lips in return.

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK**

**0957 local**

After breakfast we find ourselves on our first house hunting trip. Harm parks our rental convertible at the curb of the place where we are supposed to meet the real estate agent. The house looks promising from the outside with a garage and a parking lot. The garage would certainly come in handy with Harm's corvette. The brick wall building has a certain something that I like.

Harm comes around the car and walks up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning me back against his chest. "Doesn't look too bad, right?" I sigh contentedly. When he holds me like this – or any other way for that matter – things like houses are not really on my mind.

We don't have to wait long for the agent to join us and after a short round of good mornings, we start our tour of the house. When we enter the house, I immediately notice the coziness of it. It has a modern attire, unlike my old Georgetown apartment, yet it's not as modern and Spartan as Harm's loft. It's actually a very homey mixture of both our old places and it seems like a home I can see myself in.

"So, you guys are military?" Harm frowns at that and asks what gave us away. "I only figured since your wife gave me a contact number for the Base out at West Ruislip." Harm nods in confirmation. "I'm a Captain in the US Navy and my..." he pauses for a second "wife is with the US embassy here in London." I don't think the guy heard Harm's hesitation in calling me his wife, but I did. And I like the sound of hearing him call me that. "I'm a former Marine Lieutenant Colonel, though."

"Wow, and I always thought Navy and Marines don't like each other very much!" He seems impressed. Harm only shrugs at that. "Exceptions prove the rules." And I have to control myself or I'd smack him right then and there. "I was with the Navy too until a couple years ago." Wonderful, I'm on a house hunting trip with two squids at once. Lucky me! "Why'd you leave? Got seasick?" Mark, which is the real estate agent's name, only laughs at that. "Never, Ma'am. If it wasn't for my wife, I'd still be skippering around on that sub of mine. But there's not much of a family life if you're never there to enjoy it." No, there isn't. I shudder momentarily at the thought of Harm on a ship for months at a time. Thank god we don't have to worry about that.

We wander through the dining room, the reception room which would be our living room and the kitchen. Sure, the kitchen is not big, but at least it's not open like it was in Harm's loft. I suppose that's a good thing too, because that way not the whole house would smell of whatever is on the stove.

The second floor leaves the three bedrooms and the small bathroom. I like the fact that there's a bathtub here which can also serve as a shower since it comes with a Plexiglas room divider that shields the room from water getting splattered everywhere. I would prefer a separate shower, but the real estate agents I called during last week more or less assured me that these are only to be found in really expensive homes and that this is the most common solution.

Our last stop is the garden which is completely fenced in with a person high wall, but I suppose that's not necessarily a disadvantage. I look over at Harm for the first time since we entered the place and try to read his expression. It seems like what he sees doesn't disagree with him and that's a good start. We ask the agent to leave us alone for a moment and he excuses himself to make some phone calls.

He turns towards me and gives me the smile I was hoping for. I can see the wheels turning in his head though. "What do you think?" "Well, we should ask the price. But I like what I see. This place is wonderful. It's a three bedroom house; we'd have plenty of space for an office. The garden looks intriguing and I like the fireplace in the living room. It's not one level though." I lift my eyes to his and he shrugs once more.

"I have kind of given up on the idea of a ground level house. They don't seem to exist around here." He gives me his famous flyboy grin next. "And I knew you would like the fireplace in the living room. There was always a fire burning in yours during winter." I grin back at him and swat him on his shoulder. "So what do you say? Should we talk about money with the guy?" Mark chooses that moment to return to the garden. "So, what do you guys think about the place?"

We ask for the price and when he gives us the numbers, Harm frowns. "You sure that's all? I haven't seen any damage anywhere." Mark shrugs. "The owners don't really need the money and they didn't want to sit on this place forever just to get a couple bucks more. I can assure you, the plumbing and wiring was checked properly and renovated where necessary. So if you want it, the offer is 110,000 ₤. If you guys want to think about it for a bit, no problem. But don't take too long. This place has been on the market for a couple days and I've got some other people interested in it as well." I'm not surprised about that and I actually believe it's not just a salesperson's talk here. The house itself is amazing so it's only to be expected that there are others interested in it.

"Would tonight be soon enough for you? We've got another place that we'd like to take a look at around 1300. We could have a decision by tonight." Mark ponders that for a moment before he and Harm shake hands. "No problem, Captain. You can call me on my cell and give me your decision."

We part ways and walk back towards the car.

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**1908 local**

I click the phone shut and take Mac into my arms. "So what do you say? I think celebrations are in order." She leans into me and allows for the kiss to happen that comes next. I sweep her up into my arms and spin her around. I would have never thought that a simple thing like getting a place to live could get me so excited. The apartment here is only a temporary thing and it doesn't yet really feel like we live together.

When I start preparing our dinner I practically shove Mac out the door to watch TV or something. Not that she complains about it. I always knew Mac isn't much of a cook. Someone who relies on Beltway Burgers and microwave dinners usually isn't. It never bothered me and tonight it even plays into my hands.

On our way back from the second place we visited we went grocery shopping for dinner and I even allowed her, her obligatory dead animal. Well, as long as I don't have to eat it, I don't have a problem with it. I'm already glad she decided on chicken instead of red meat. Maybe I'm rubbing off on her… a little.

I put the chicken into the oven to keep it warm until I can get changed into some other clothes. I make sure Mac is still watching TV and rush to the bathroom for a quick shower. After the long day, and the work in the kitchen I really do need one anyway.

I decide on a pair of black slacks and the dark purple shirt that I know she likes. Making sure I look as presentable as I can get tonight, I walk over to the living room and pull her up from the sofa, giving her a peck on her nose.

"Oh, wow!" is all she says when she enters the kitchen and finds the already set and decorated table there. I lit the candle just before I went to the shower and I switched off the ceiling lights which puts the table into a nice glow of soft candlelight. "You like?" I'm suddenly incredibly nervous about this. We've had dinner together so often and sometimes when she came to my place I would even put up a candle on the table, but it was always work related in one way or another.

But this is for her and me. She doesn't say anything and when I take out her chair to let her sit down; she only gives me that shaky jerk of her head that indicates a 'yes' to my question. I let my hands rest on her shoulders for slightly longer than necessary, because I just can't let go of her just yet.

"You didn't have to…" She trails off and I can see that she swallows hard, even in the dim light in here. Of course I didn't HAVE to, but I wanted to. I still want to and I tell her. Maybe it is only my imagination, but she blushes slightly. Yet she smiles and that tells me she is nervous but not uncomfortable, because heaven forbid she ever be that with me if I can help it.

I take our dinner out of the oven and put it on the table, my fingers not really listening to my brain and I fumble around with the towel that keeps me from burning myself. When I finally sit down I look over at her and check her expression again. Either she didn't pick up on my trembling hands, or she doesn't let it on. I take a few breaths as deep as I dare. Her scent is almost overwhelming tonight. It always is enough to play havoc with my senses, but right now it is even more so.

God, I don't know if I can wait much longer for this. I jerk up from my chair before I can decide against it and when she gives me a puzzled look I walk over to the fridge and take out our drinks, acting like they were the reason for my odd behavior. Of course she doesn't buy that.

We drink to being house owners and I grin at her. The thought alone still seems a bit unreal especially since it was all over so fast. We drove to the second house after noon and it really looked inviting from the outside. The inside however was not at all to my liking. The kitchen was too small, the bathroom seemed inadequate at best and the rooms felt too small too. It wasn't a difficult decision in the end. Mac and I aren't going to find a better place than the one we just agreed to buy, especially for that kind of money.

I don't have the nerve to talk much during dinner. I keep drinking from my soda and yet my throat feels like I've got sandpaper shoved down in it. It's soon time for our dessert and to her delight I pull the ice cream with chocolate sauce out of the fridge. I knew she'd go for that and for once I don't mind the amount of sugar I'll be eating.

But I don't hand the ice cream over just yet. I turn around to face her and uncertainty starts to creep up my backside once more. Boy, I'm starting to feel like Bud. I crouch next to her and make her turn around so she can face me. "Harm? What's wrong?" I can see the concern in her eyes and her expression and I take her hands in mine to show her that I'm ok.

"Nothing's wrong, Sarah. I'm just happy that you are here and that we are together." That earns me the smile I hoped for but I stop her when she starts to lean in for a kiss. "No, please. Let me finish or I won't be able to." I reach inside my pocket and take out the small box that has been burning a hole into my pants for almost an hour. I open it and she gasps. "I know we kind of agreed on all this in haste originally." I look right at her staring at me and I take another deep breath and another hard swallow to steel myself for what is to come. "But I should have done this years ago and… I want you to know that there won't ever be anyone else for me and I'll spend the rest of my life showing that to you every day. If you'll have me."

I swallow against the lump in my throat. It is a miracle I can talk at all. Mac gasps and she couldn't be more beautiful than she is right now, with her mouth hanging open in shock. "Sarah, will you marry me?" She doesn't react for what seems like ages. Then she closes her mouth in slow motion and leans down to me. This time I don't stop her, but she still hasn't said yes.

Unable to fight the kiss that is about to come, I lean in too, even though I'm dying for her to give me her answer. She closes the distance between us almost completely, before I hear the whispered "yes" just a millisecond before our lips meet.

I don't know how long we kiss. Only an outsider would be able to tell me, because I've lost all track of time and thought and I don't give a damn. Maybe Mac would know; she always does. Our kiss is not hungry or fiery like so often recently. It's tender, loving and tantalizingly sweet. I realize she has tears in her eyes when I finally release her for breath and I brush them away with my thumbs. "I love you, Sarah." She gives me a teary smile and puts her arms around my neck. "And I love you, Harm."

A rock just fell off my shoulders. I can't believe how nervous this moment has made me, ever since I decided tonight is the night, earlier. I take the ring out of the box and hesitate until she extends her left hand. I swallow again. The last engagement ring she wore sat on her right hand for almost a year before it moved over and that hurt me more than I wanted to admit back then. She wants this as much as I do, maybe even more. All I know is, that she just made me the happiest man of all and if she'd ask me to walk on water just now, I'm sure I wouldn't sink.

We go through our desert and I can't wipe the grin off my face. I never knew a simple act like this could make me feel so lightheaded. But I am and even more so than usual when I'm around her.

Time comes when the inevitable cannot be put off any longer and we go and change for bed. The last time we agreed on sleeping in the same bed didn't go over well, all things considered. I can't believe it, but my level of nervousness just increases at the thought and that's saying something, considering I proposed to her earlier.

I wait for Mac to change into her PJ's before I climb into the far side of the bed. The fact that the bed is not very big doesn't make things any easier either. I make a show of tucking myself in properly, and Mac gives me a nervous smile. Good, at least I'm not the only one who is uncomfortable here.

Once the light is out I try to lie very still. In a way this is so ridiculous. I share the bed with the woman I love, the woman I've already made love to once before and yet I act like a 14 year old teenager at summer camp.

"Mac?" I whisper, because I'm not sure if she is already asleep or not. But I don't have to wait long for her answer and I can feel her turn around to her back in the dark. I reach over to take her hand that now sports my engagement ring. "I didn't do this to put pressure on you… or us." I don't even know why this suddenly is so important. "I mean, I want to be your husband and I meant what I said earlier." I make a slight pause after that to let it sink in. "But for now, I want you to consider this a promise of what is to come, whenever we're ready."

I feel her moving again and after a moment I feel her soft lips on mine. She doesn't linger and it only takes a moment before she moves back again. "I love you… And I've never said that to anybody before and meant it." She sighs contentedly and intertwines our hands even though we are both on our backs. A surge of happiness goes through me again, but confusion isn't far behind.

"Not even to Brumby?" The question is out before I can stop it. I hold my breath when I hear her sharp intake. "I'm sorry it doesn't matter." I know I'm back paddling now and I mentally kick myself for starting this.

Mac doesn't say anything and I start hating myself for bringing this up in a moment that went so peaceful. Why couldn't I just tell her I love her too and be done with it? I could have even mentioned, that I haven't told anybody I love them before either. Other than my mother, that is. I'm an accomplished attorney, I've won many cases simply by talking smart, but when it comes to this woman, I put my foot into my mouth every chance I get.

"No, not even to him." I can barely hear her whispered answer. Maybe she said it more to herself than to me. "I once said it to Webb. But I now realize I didn't mean it." Yeah. I remember her telling me she had told him she loved him when we thought he was dead. But Mac already goes on while I still remember and I don't catch all she mumbles. "… to mean it, but the whole thing was ridiculous to start with. It could have never worked out. It was stupid to even try"

Without thought I tighten my hand around hers and give her a reassuring squeeze. In a way I want her to go on, to tell me all about why she thinks it couldn't have worked between her and Webb, or her and Brumby, even though I think I know the answer. It's the same reason why I couldn't commit to any of the women in my life; not to Annie, not to Jordan and certainly not to Renee.

"Why did you try?" I ask in a low tone. I try to keep it understanding, even though I'll never understand it completely I think. Mac is silent again and even though the voice in my head tells me to go on, to pry, I don't repeat or enforce my question. If she wants to talk about this, it will have to be on her own terms, not squeezed out because I need to talk about it.

She is silent for a long time and I almost think she has fallen asleep in the meantime. "I don't know." And then there is silence again.

"I was mad at you and even madder at myself, I could say I was confused, disappointed, screwed up. All of that is true and yet it's insufficient as an answer." I hear her sighing in the dark and swallowing.

"You were gone, practically out of my life and you didn't seem interested in getting back into it. Not that I could blame you after what I had thrown into your face that last night down there. Webb was there and willing and it seemed like the easy road to take. With him I didn't have to face the problems that kept you and me apart all these years. No complicated entanglements, no real history, no complications at work." She pauses for a moment and I ponder whether to join in or let her go on alone. But I'm spared to make a decision when she goes on anyway.

"Webb and I shared Paraguay, Harm. I think I tried to work through the stuff we had experienced down there by being with him. But he was never around. He never knew how many nights I was awake and he never had a clue about my not sleeping at all for days at a time, he never knew about my nightmares, my fear of Sadik returning to hurt me through hurting my friends, because I always knew he was after me."

She turns toward me, facing me. I can even make out her features in the dark, not that I can really make out her expression. But her voice and her gesture tell me all I need to know to scoot closer to her and take her in my arms. I make her head rest on my right shoulder, while I put my arm around her, holding her close. She seems to welcome my gesture, because she puts her hand over my heart and I cover it with mine. Right now I'm not Harm, her soon-to-be-lover or fiancé. At this moment, I'm Harm, her best friend. And I don't mind it a bit. Holding her close to offer comfort feels just as right as holding her close for a kiss had earlier.

Sure, usually you don't lie in bed with your best friend like this, but I don't care. Mac and I were never good at 'usual' or 'normal' and since there is a personal union of both jobs in my person I figure that this is ok as long as we are ok with it.

"There was that one night, when he came to my place and we ended up in bed." I tense at that. I know she needs to talk to her best friend about this, but this best friend in particular really doesn't need to hear any bed stories about her and Webb. The thought alone makes me shudder. But for her sake I try to keep it under control… for now. I'll draw the line if she starts to go into details, though.

"Afterward we ended up fighting… again. We often did that, actually that was the only thing we really did other than… well, I guess you can figure it out on your own." I can, but I don't want to… I really don't need that image and I'm getting slightly uncomfortable at the thought of Clayton Webb in our bed, even figuratively.

"He was drinking… Conya. And he drank it regularly. I don't know whether or not he has stopped it in the meantime, but if the way he gulped that drink at McMurphy's was any indication, I'd say he hasn't dropped the habit yet. I could see all the signs… the excuses for a drink, the anger at not finding the bottles after I had made them disappear, the frustration of not finding anything to drink at my place… Webb was on the way to become what I had fought very hard to leave behind…"

She swallows hard now and presses herself even further into my side. Her addiction to alcohol was always a hard topic for her, no matter how open she was about it in the past. And all I can do is squeeze her shoulder and make her feel that I care about what she is telling me.

"At some point he stormed out of my apartment and left behind his glass still half full on my nightstand. I stared at it for over ten minutes. I couldn't move, neither towards it nor away from it." Another heavy swallow. "I wanted that drink. I knew that it would lighten so many things. The inner voice I could always rely on to talk me out of it in the past was there, but it sounded so far away and the need for the drink became almost unbearable."

I swallow too now. What had Webb done to this woman? God, I only know of one occasion when she took a drink, and that was right after Lowne had been killed by Foster. My hatred at Webb just increases tenfold. And that clown claimed to love her? Either he doesn't know the first thing about love, or he just is the selfish, arrogant bastard that I think he is… that and more.

"What did you do?" I'm almost afraid of the answer. I know she'd never forgive herself if she took the drink. She never forgave herself for taking the one back then. "I don't know. It wasn't a conscious decision, but when I came out of my rage, the glass lay smashed on the floor at the far wall. I must have thrown it there, though I can't remember." I release the breath I've been holding and pull her against me hard, kissing her temple as I do so.

"As I said, Webb and I were a big mistake and we kind of just happened. And it was a pretty short thing. We were still having only the casual dinners when you returned from your CIA adventure. It wasn't conscious and it certainly wasn't love, not on my part anyway. I believe him when he says he loves me, but Webb doesn't have what it takes to make me happy, he never did. And I think he knew it, too" I certainly know that feeling and I tell her so.

She turns a bit to look at me in the dark, but obviously finds it uncomfortable so she turns back to snuggling on my shoulder. But I can feel the question in the air, even though it isn't voiced.

"I mean Renee. That was a similar story. She just happened." Though, I think hers and Webb's story is different from mine and Renee's in so many ways. At that Mac props herself up on an elbow and looks at me in the dark. I almost hate myself for that comment, because it was nice holding her like that.

From the little light that enters the bedroom from a streetlamp outside, I can make out her features barely, but her eyes tell me, she wants to hear more. I don't think my story with my ex girlfriend can in any way resemble hers with the spy, but I figure I owe her something after she just opened up about everything.

I think about a way to say this without insulting or hurting her. After all if I word this wrong, I'll leave the impression on her that all of that was her fault and that would be stretching the truth… a lot. In the end, that particular episode comes down to me fucking up first, and her fucking up what I didn't. And that includes all the aftermath right until Brumby got onto a plane back to Australia after my crash.

"I was lonely I guess. I had to thank myself for your being out of reach after Australia and she was there all the time, nagging me about that damn commercial and how I had to redo this line or that." I sigh at the memory. Renee had been very obvious about everything, no subtlety at all. She made it pretty clear from the get go, that she was after me and I enjoyed the attention. After all, I'm only a man, too. "You know how it goes… a dinner here, an evening there…"

"So you say you weren't attracted to her?" I more hear than see Mac's disbelieve. Renee was a beautiful woman… still is probably. But all things considered, she wasn't my type, especially since my type involves tanned skin, brown eyes and brown hair. "I was, to a certain extend. But I dated her mostly for… uh… well other reasons." Great… just great. But the little voice in my head tells me, that I've just revealed nothing but the truth.

My comment actually earns me a grin from Mac. "And there I thought you two were the new Scarlett and Rhett." She couldn't possibly believe that, especially since that description would fit her and mine relationship a lot better.

"I cared about her. A lot." I admit. "She isn't as dumb as many people think. She's quite smart actually. A bit overzealous and direct maybe, but otherwise… her hair color doesn't mirror her brains, even though I know many at JAG used to think that." Why am I defending my ex again? Yeah right, so I won't look like a total idiot. But it's true. Even though I never felt love for the woman who shared my bed for over year, I certainly did care for her and I'm glad she found the happiness she deserves.

"She saw right through me. She knew that you would always stand between her and me, and I guess she kind of had that idea, that once you are married to Brumby, she and I would get together for real." I flop back onto my back again and it doesn't take long before I feel Mac's hands stroking my hair. "I realized I shouldn't let her on after she confronted me about it, but I couldn't help myself. I just kept on pretending that all was well and that I was happy that you'd get married to another man soon… even though it was killing me inside."

Mac snuggles in close again and I get the sinking feeling that she does it for the same reason I did earlier; to offer support and reassurance. "Would you have stopped it?" The question comes out of the blue. And the problem is I don't know the answer. I sigh. "I think I stopped it pretty effectively, didn't I?" We both chuckle. Yes, my crash the night before her wedding did stop all that in the end. But I'm turning serious fast, because I don't have an answer to what she just asked. "I've no idea, Mac. Thinking back, I guess I wanted to… but as I told you that day in your office before you gave that lecture at Annapolis… you had a right to be happy and it wasn't my right to take that away from you, even if it would have made me unhappy in the process." I kiss the top of her head when she squeezes my hand, which has found its way once again on top of my heart…Seems like my fiancée has a thing for that. "All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy and be a part of my life…I was willing to be your friend only if I could see your happiness in return."

We are silent for another couple minutes, with Mac still snuggled close to me and I just enjoy being so close to her. "You cannot possibly imagine how relieved I was when they found you back then." Her voice is pretty small and that alone tells me, just how frightened she must have been. I know I was that night. But the whole conversation brings another question to my mind that has been nagging me ever since then.

"Would you have married him?" The funny thing is I cannot even decide whether I mean Brumby or Webb right now. "Yes, I think so." The answer hurts me. "Even after what happened at your engagement party?" That kiss is still on my mind sometimes and it was all I had had with her until a couple days ago. It's ridiculous, really, how a simple stolen kiss was powerful enough to cause me so much pain and so much happiness at the same time. It started out so innocently as a goodbye kiss. Though, these days I'm not buying that theory any longer. If she had wanted us to say goodbye, she could have hugged me or anything. It didn't have to be a kiss. At least that's what I told myself for years afterwards… that she couldn't help herself any more than I could that night, because there was something there that was stronger than the both of us together.

"I didn't think I could get away from it easily." That is enough of an answer for me. It's as good a s a 'yes, I would have, no matter what.' "What about Webb?" I squeeze my eyes shut at my own question. It came out before I could decide against it. Do I really want to know?

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**2301 local**

I shift to my side and away from him again. I knew this question would come sooner or later and I know we really do need to clear away these things. But I can't help the feeling that his romances are a lot less painful to either of us than mine. And the one with Webb is very painful; whether because it is more recent than my others or because of the reason it started, is too much even for me to work through. "We talked about it at one point, but not seriously." I cannot see Harm's face from my position, but I can imagine it… his eyes clouding over, his features sad.

Just what did he expect me to do? Isn't it kind of normal, that a couple who spends a year together starts talking about marriage eventually? Yeah, MacKenzie, because you and Webb spent oh so much time together. How much time was it exactly? A couple nights and a few fucks for comfort? A couple dinners where you were disgusted with how wasted he already was when he got to your place? Just what exactly did you have with Webb?

I hate it when the voice in my mind turns on me like this especially since it sounds an awful lot like Harm and I shove it away ruthlessly. I've already admitted that I didn't really love Webb and that we were together because I had that stupid feeling he could understand what I was going through. How much further do I have to bare myself tonight? What Harm told me was nothing I didn't know before: he didn't love Renee and he kept her around because it was convenient for the horizontal release. No surprise there. The fact angers me more than I'm willing to admit and I already feel it boiling up inside me.

"What about you and Alicia Montez? You two looked pretty cozy together." At that he turns on the damned bedside lamp and just plain stares at me. "Well?" I'm expecting an answer and he is shocked. Probably thinks I don't know why she was at his apartment that night when I needed his advice. I watch angrily as shock makes room for confusion on his features. "I was never in a relationship with Alicia Montez, Mac. Where's this coming from?"

Who said anything about a bloody relationship? So she was his fuck buddy like Renee, only without the added relationship entanglements? How convenient!

"Mac?" He shakes my shoulder to make me look at him again. "There was nothing between her and me, you have to believe that!" Yeah right, and pigs can fly… and he told me to call the other day because they were only exchanging spaghetti recipes!

I give him the iciest stare I can muster right now and he looks away. I knew it! For a short moment I think he wants to get out of bed, but instead he just props himself against the headboard and folds his hands in his lap. "Alright. I do admit, that Alicia was at my place for dinner that night you came by. And yes, I also admit to the fact, that I didn't invite her to that dinner for completely innocent reasons either." He looks at me again. "But you have to believe me, when I tell you there was nothing, and I repeat NOTHING, between us."

He doesn't really think I'm going to buy that right? Harmon Rabb doesn't get dressed up for a dinner with an attractive woman and doesn't follow through in the end. That would be a first and I tell him so. "Come on, Harm. I know you aren't a saint and I don't even want to know how many women you invited for dinners, but don't you dare lie to me about this. We both know it isn't true!"

My voice is just a little louder than normal, but even I can hear the dangerous edge it has. "How many other women?" his eyebrows are drawn up in shock. "Gee, you must really have a low opinion of me, Mac!" And at that he does get out of bed.

"You know I really don't get, why it is ok for you to practically propose yourself to me on one night and come back wearing another guys ring two days later, or why it is ok for you to have a relationship with someone but not ok for me to have even dinner with another woman?" He is all but shouting. "What the fuck is it you want from me, Mac?" He puts his hands to his hips and simply stares at me. And this time its anger I see, not shock or embarrassment or even hurt.

Suddenly, sitting on the bed with him towering over it, gives me the feeling of disadvantage and I get up too, standing on the opposite side of the bed. "I want you to be honest, damn it."

"I just told you, there was nothing between Alicia and me, alright? Not a damn thing. We had dinner and then she left, end of story! Is that good enough for you?"

"Don't give me that shit, Harm. What I saw that night was not two lawyers sitting over case files, not to mention that the one case you worked on together was long since over by the time you two had 'dinner'!" I make sure to emphasizes the last word by making goosefeet in the air with my fingers. I don't buy his story for a minute. "And the fact that Mattie wasn't home that night was no coincidence either!"

"And I told you before, that I didn't invite her for a working dinner and that my reasons were not exactly innocent. I never lied to you about anything! And quite frankly it had been a long time since I was with anyone!" He practically hisses through his teeth. That brings me out of it for a moment.

"You mean to tell me you invited her for sex and you didn't get any?" my voice has calmed down somewhat and the scenery would almost amuse me, if Harm didn't glare at me the way he does.

"I told you she left. And she did so because I wanted her to. And no, I didn't invite her for sex! I invited her because I wanted to spend a nice evening with a smart, attractive woman that would maybe, and I stress 'maybe' lead to more." He sighs and moves his hand through his short hair. "We had dinner and we had a pleasant evening. When it got down to the rest, I felt uncomfortable and put the thing to a halt before it really started. She left soon after, we decided to leave things as they were and that's it."

I stand there dumbstruck for what feels like forever. I only react when I realize he has started moving again. But he doesn't climb back into our bed. Instead he gathers up his pillow and blanket and before I can say another word, he's out the door. I follow him and catch up with him just before he throws his stuff down on the couch. "You know what, Mac? Maybe you were right. Maybe things can really not work out between us. And this time it sure as hell isn't me who wants to be on top!"

"Harm, we agreed this is not necessary." I know I'm pleading now, but he doesn't listen to me and instead tugs the blanket into place. Harm only sneers at what I just said and doesn't say anything in return. He doesn't have to either.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply you slept yourself through half of D.C." He looks at me sideways and his expression tells me he is suspicious and angry, possibly hurt. And why would he not be? God, I really hate myself.

I let myself fall down on the couch and I don't care that he just spread his comforter there so he could use the sofa as a bed once again. I reach up for his hand to drag him down next to me and to my surprise he gives in and lets himself fall, too.

I don't let go of his hand even when he struggles to get it free for a moment. I squeeze it and we sit there in an uncomfortable silence once again. "I guess it's true huh?" He looks at me with this bewildered look he always gets when we fight about personal things like this. "What they say about love. Only those we love can hurt us." He nods and looks away, but doesn't comment any further.

"I meant it when I said I've never told any man I love him. Other than you, Harm. With Mic I practically choked on the words and with Webb… well, let's just say he didn't believe me when I told him because I didn't really believe it myself."

"And you mean it when you say it to me?" Now he looks at me, with this insecure expression, and I realize again, that for all the cockiness and arrogance he shows the world, the real Harmon Rabb is a very vulnerable and shy person indeed.

"Yes I do. And I mean the words in a way that is almost frightening to me, because you hold that much power over me." And I'm not surprised that my voice is very convincing, because I know it is true, and I know he knows it too. Just like I know he loves me and I've known that for a long time as well.

"Mac, I know it's hard for you to trust me with your heart. But you need to understand, that I trust you with mine, too… and it's just as vulnerable as yours, because I don't have any walls to protect me from you anymore. You've torn down every one of them. If you cut me I bleed." He pauses for a moment, before he whispers the rest and I have a hard time even understanding him. "You have the same power over me." I hear what he doesn't say, namely, that he is just as frightened by that power as I am. I lean in to close the distance, suddenly drawn by his mouth and the need to verify myself that he really means it. And maybe it's also to comfort me and him.

Our kiss is gentle at first, like we've never kissed before, like we'd need to learn the outline of each other's lips, but it soon becomes desperate and hungry and only when we are out of breath does he lean his forehead against mine and sighs. I can see that he is in trouble and I know I am. I really want to reach down and touch him, knowing it was me who caused his discomfort to begin with, but I order my hands to stay still, because a comfort fuck is the last thing we need right now.

"Come on, sailor. Let's get to bed, it's late." I get up and he stays put on the sofa. I reach out my hand to pull him up and give him a comforting glance, but he still looks at me in suspicion. "I meant for sleep, Harm." He nods again and without another word gathers up his stuff and carries it back to the bedroom. I guess we just weathered another hurricane.

We climb in once again and after a short hesitation we snuggle closer again. "Good night, ninjagirl." I smile at that. One of these days I'll have to ask him why he keeps calling me that. "Night, flyboy."


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**0837 local**

A contented sigh escapes my lips at the feeling of a warm pressure on my shoulder. This is how it should be. I just hope that we won't end up blowing this morning like we blew last night. In a way it is almost humorous how we ended up in a thunderstorm for a couple minutes just to calm down a few minutes later. We really are fighting like cats and dogs and if it weren't about our past mistakes I would even enjoy it. Butting heads with Mac has always been an interesting challenge. But I could really do without the painful stuff.

I look down on my chest and find her right hand over my heart again. I smile to myself, because the scenery is so very fitting… she is holding my heart after all, both literally and figuratively.

I've seen her sleep before, but never like this. If anything, she looks even more beautiful with her hair all tousled. I reach up with my right arm and card my fingers through the long strands which frame her features these days. I make a mental note to compliment her on it sometime soon.

Being with her like this is so peaceful and yet we are stuck in a limbo somewhere between friendship and being lovers and that hurts. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms and follow through with what I want and need from her. And if the way she kisses me is any indication, she wants and needs the same things.

But as long as we stay in this limbo, we cannot go further without making our situation even more difficult. It's not wise to enter sex into an already complicated relationship after all. I would have never thought that finally being with her could be so painful. Or maybe I did and that's the real reason it took us so long.

God, how I wish we could just chuck all that psycho talk we've been doing lately. No matter how much I don't want to, I always keep hurting her or rather we keep hurting each other in the process. Why is it so important that I know whether or not she would have gone through with the wedding to Brumby, or if she would have gotten herself married to Webb eventually? She's here with me, she's even wearing my ring and I know she loves me. We've both made some serious mistakes in this and it's not like we can undo any of them and knowing why we did some of the things we did, won't make all of this any easier.

Mac stirs against me and looking down I find that cute smile on her lips that she seems to get when she wakes up. Without thinking I bend my head and kiss her. "Morning, sailor." That sleepy voice is going to do me in one of these days. How can she expect me to keep sane when she uses that voice? Ok, Rabb… get a grip. She is still sleepy and that voice is not at all intentional. "You sleep well?" As a matter of fact I did and I tell her so. I don't seem to be in any pain this morning but how am I supposed to not sleep well, when I hold her in my arms?

Deciding we need to get out of the house for a while, I get up and make a couple calls. Sitting around in these close quarters will only lead to more serious discussion and I'm not ready for another round just yet. Bud and Harriet agree to join us at Hyde Park for a picnic. I think it will be cool since Mac and I are going to spend some time with the kids, giving Bud and Harriet some much deserved downtime and all in all we will be able to spend some time together as friends.

But before we go to meet them, I want to do something else. It's been itching in my fingers for the last couple days and today is just perfect.

I walk back into the bedroom and can't believe what I see. "Mac, do you think you'll get up today?" She puts down her book and looks at me as if I've just asked her for the exact wording of Article 75 of the Magna Charta. But she recovers fast and gives me one of her devilish grins. "I'll get up as soon as the galley master announces breakfast!"

Galley master? Just when did I become her personal cook? "You know, I made breakfast yesterday!" I don't even know why I'm protesting, since I already know I'll do it anyway. "Yes, and you've passed the exam, which means you are allowed to make my breakfast again." I give a theatrical sigh and turn around toward my 'galley'. I snort when she calls after me not to forget the bacon.

**Wanstead Flats Airfield**

**Greater London, UK**

**1201 local**

I grin as I look over at Mac on the passenger's seat. I made her close her eyes when I drove us down here. It will be fun to watch her though. I get out of the car and walk over to her side, opening the door just like a gentleman. "Ok, Marine. No peeking ok?" She nods impatiently but for now she plays along. Probably peeked all the time while I was busy driving.

I lead her over to the hangar which was opened on my call about an hour ago. The sight of what towers before me will never cease to amaze me, just like the woman I'm leading on my arm. I step behind her and wrap my arms around her waist from behind. "You can look now."

She gasps. Bingo. I knew I could shock her with this. "Harm that's … is this… Harmon Rabb, you didn't!" She turns around in my arms and puts her hands on her hips. Oh yes, I most certainly did. I wave my hand in the general direction of 'Sarah' and put on an innocent face. "Hey, they said ALL my possessions, right?" Is it my fault that I just happen to own my own plane?

"How did you even get her here? It wasn't with our stuff when we checked in at the harbor." True. Sarah was shipped on another transport and the Lieutenant in charge of my possessions wasn't exactly happy when I told him about my biplane. I shrug "She got only in on Thursday. They couldn't fit her with our container so they sent her out with the next vessel."

And there just wasn't a way that I'd leave either of my 'Sarah's behind. "At the time I thought she would be the only 'Sarah' I could bring here." I say silently and a rush of shyness washes over me. I just know my cheeks turn pink like I'm a 14 year old.

Mac steps up to me and wraps her arms around me in a possessive gesture. No words are needed at this moment. We simply stand next to my plane and hold each other, knowing just how close we had to come to loosing each other forever until we finally got this right. I inhale her scent deeply and as always it does all kinds of things to me. I always knew that holding her was not only intoxicating but overwhelming. But the more often we share a gesture like this since we became a couple, the more overwhelming it becomes.

"So, what do you think? Do you trust me enough to get us up and back down again?" She leans back to look up at me and the expression on her face is somewhere between 'are you kidding?' and 'you're on!'. I cannot help the big grin spreading over my face as I untangle myself from her embrace and tell her to get our jackets from the car's trunk.

"You mean today? But you said she only got shipped here on Thursday!" I grin again. "Had her checked by the mechanics here. She's fueled and ready for a little action." I walk around 'Sarah' and go through my usual pre-flight motions. I trust the mechanics but it never hurts to check twice, especially since Mac and I have a little history where leaking pipes are concerned. Ever since then I check everything twice to be sure there won't be a repetition.

There is that one moment of flying that I love more than any other. It's that moment when the plane finally hits the 70 knots, then starts vibrating slightly and I know that she'd lift off the ground, the moment I move the stick just a little. God must have had a really good day when he invented the physics that make flying possible.

"So Marine, what would you like to see first?" I yell over the intercom and the answer I get just tells me, that Mac enjoys herself just as much as I do. She may hate going supersonic, but flying in 'Sarah' never seemed to bother her. It's been so long since the two of us went flying together that I cannot really remember our last time in the air like this. All the more reason to cherish every single moment.

Rather than flying over the city, which is kind of difficult due to restrictions and regulations, we explore the countryside around London. It's obvious, that this area is a lot more crowded than Blacksburg and the Appalachians back home. We'd have to take 'Sarah' out a good way north to pull any stunts and have some fun.

I let Mac take the controls once we are over the countryside and I lean back and enjoy the ride while she has the helm. She's a natural really. But then again, it doesn't really surprise me, that Sarah MacKenzie would learn how to handle a plane easily. She is smart and she has a good sense for technology. Maybe I'll even get her to take an exam to get her own license some day.

**Hyde Park**

**Central London**

**1600 local**

I wave as I see the Captain and the Colonel walking over towards us. I know technically Mac is no longer a Lieutenant Colonel, but in my conscience she still is and I suppose it will take a long time for me to see her as just Mac.

One look at them and I know they had a great time, though I suppose it was a rather innocent good time, since they both carry their flight leather jackets over their arms. AJ runs over to them as soon as he realizes they are around and hugs both his godparents around the hips, which earns him a chuckle from Mac and a ruffled hairstyle from Harm, which annoys me, considering it took me ages to convince him to use that comb.

We spread the big blankets on the soft grass and it takes me all of 2 seconds to see it. I know I stare and once Mac becomes aware of where my eyes are locked, she blushes but gives me a big smile and extends her hand so I can stare officially. "Oh my god, it's so beautiful. Congratulations, sir, ma'am!"

If possible, the tall handsome Captain grows even taller and the pride and love on his face is just priceless. I don't think I'll ever fully understand these two. Sure, they are among my best friends and have helped and supported Bud and me for years. They actually have a finely tuned radar when it comes to personal problems of other people.

Yet, they have been so clueless about each other sometimes. I'm pretty sure that they knew how they felt for years and yet they made us watch all this time while they hurt each other badly one time after another.

To see them holding hands like two teenagers, or to watch them look at each other with such an obvious love is exciting and all, but it feels strange and right at the same time. I remember the wish to strangle one or both of them for what they did to each other, often. It was worse when I was still at JAG and had to watch the goings on every day.

I spend most of the late afternoon watching them together as they set out to the playground just a few yards away with my kids. I know AJ loves to spend time with Harm and no matter how fast the Captain turns the carrousel, it's never fast enough and seeing them so carefree makes everything just so much easier.

In a way I'm sad that Harm is only godfather to AJ and not to Jimmy or the twins. But well, it wasn't like he was around much, right? I nudge Bud and make him look at Mac sitting there with Nicky on her arm, softly speaking to my daughter. She is so good with them and now that she has finally found the 'right' guy, I hope that she can fulfill that dream for herself one day. I know Harm is crazy about kids, and godfather or not, he's always happy to be with all our children.

"It's kinda funny, no?" I turn around to my husband who looks out at them just like I was until a moment ago. "What do you mean?" He shrugs his typical Bud-shrug and nods into the general direction of the pair. "They've known each other for so long, longer even than you and I. And yet… even though they are older than us, we are the ones with the family and they only now get started into the general direction of that."

I nod in agreement. In a way it really is funny. But on the other hand, Bud and I never had the emotional backload that they had. We were never in the same chain of command and we certainly didn't have all the other baggage that they've been carrying around for so long. Bud may not be aware of it, but Mac once let some things slip here and there, especially around her wedding to Mic and that made so many things so much clearer. I just wish the happiness they are finding now will last them. God knows they both deserve it after everything.

I decide to leave my kids and their godparents alone and instead enjoy the closeness to my husband. With all the stress of packing and the kids there haven't been many moments like this recently. I like to think that coming here is a new beginning for us too and I have every intention to make it a good one.

I lean back into his broad chest which has become so muscular since his accident. I know he's working out a lot and even though he never admitted to it, I know he's been running with Commander Turner. In a way I have to smile inwardly at that. Who would have thought, that my couch potato of a husband would ever start working out of his own free will? But wanting to stay in the Navy has started all this and I certainly won't complain about it.

Bud was made to be a naval officer and the more days pass, the more I'm convinced I did the right thing in changing my mind about coming here. Watching him leave for the office a couple days ago was strange. I hadn't seen him so excited about going to work for a long time. He strives in his position and I'm proud of him. Though, it makes me realize one thing. No matter what Harm does in the future, it's clear, that Bud would never really second guess him or question his choices… at least not where JAG business is concerned. Harm is still his hero.

It's after our sandwich picnic that I get Mac alone for a moment. "I'm so happy for you." She beams at me and looks at her hand which now holds a beautiful diamond. "I guess that means everything is going great for you two, right?" She doesn't answer me right away and instead searches for Harm who helps Bud playing with the kids in the sandbox a few feet away.

"He asked me last night… I mean he asked me that night before we left Washington, but he didn't have a ring then, and he only gave it to me last night." I take another, closer inspection of the diamond again. I must say, the Captain has excellent taste. And it's so different than the one Commander Brumby had given her a few years back. That one had been big and practically yelled 'expensive'. This one was pretty and beautiful, but not overly obvious. In fact it suits her very well.

"So, dare I ask if it's time to go shopping for a dress yet?" She blushes. "We still haven't set a date yet, and right now I think 'slow' is still the right approach." Oh. "Then this is more like a promise than a deal?" I indicate the ring to emphasize what I mean and she shakes her head. "It is a deal. Harm and I will get married and in a way I can't wait for it to happen. But things are pretty much the same they were the last time we talked, Harriet. We are working through things one at a time, but it doesn't always go well."

The moment she finishes that sentence, she gasps in horror. I check our respective men and my children to find out if something happened, but they are still happily shoveling sand around to build like the biggest sand castle Hyde Park has ever seen, with AJ obviously being the major architect of the whole construction.

"I'm sorry, Harriet." Huh? Sorry? What for? "I didn't mean to bore you with these things." Oh, that… boy for her intelligence and Marine demeanor she really can be dense sometimes. I decide to go into mum-mode. That has helped in the past.

"Colonel…" at her glare I back-paddle fast "I mean Mac, we are friends. And I'm sure I can take whatever you throw at me. You've been there for me so often and I want to be there for you if I can, ok?"

She nods and looks over at the guys again. "We had a fight last night. Not the first one either. It's like every time we try to talk we end up tearing each other's eyes out. It started ok, it always does… but I kinda felt trapped, because the things he told me didn't seem to be nearly as significant as the ones I revealed to him."

It almost makes me smile. They are still competing. "Ma'am, may I speak freely?" That earns me another dirty look from her. Of course I'm allowed to speak freely. "With all due respect, Ma'am. I cannot imagine the things you two need to work out and it's none of my business unless you want me to know… I've only watched you guys for almost nine years and I've seen you two do some things that sometimes made me wish I could strangle one or both of you." I pause for a moment to let it sink in and I cringe at the shocked expression she shows.

"But I also know that you both did numerous things to show your support to each other… and your love. It was so obvious, ma'am. I don't know many people who would go to a foreign country on a crazy hunt for peace, let alone follow that person to that country a second time to keep him safe."

I look at her closely and ponder whether or not to go on. "And just as much, I don't know anybody else who would resign their commission to follow a friend into a dangerous country, or risk their life on more than one account to make sure nothing bad would happen to them. I know it's hard sometimes, but rather than throw the painful things at each other, try to focus on the things you did out of love, not pain."

She looks down at her hands. I know it's difficult for her. "If Bud's accident has taught me anything, it's that we need to focus on the good to get through the bad. And there have been a lot of good times between you two in the past. Around Christmas the year of Bud's accident… well there was actually an office pool going on as to when the two of you would finally make a move on each other. The air was practically sizzling with the tension. Focus on that, and you will see, that the last two years, as painful as they might have been, are no longer as important."

With that I get up from the blanket and walk over to my children. It's getting chilly now that the sun starts hiding behind the clouds and I need to put down the little ones soon, because they are starting to get irritated.

**Hyde Park**

**Central London**

**1600 local**

Well, how's that. Harriet enjoys herself on the blanket and I'm stuck with the foursome, not to mention my superior officer who, right about now, behaves more like the 5 year old standing next to him than the tall Navy-Captain that he really is. I've never seen Harmon Rabb jr build a sandcastle with AJ, but it really does explain, why AJ usually came home with half the sandbox in his shoes and the other half in his clothes.

My boss beams at my son and my son has the time of his life ordering the Captain around. AJ will be a fine officer one day. He already has the command voice down for sure. "No, uncle Harm. That looks stupid. Only babies would stick wood into a sandcastle. Honestly!" AJ rolls his eyes at Harm who raises his eyebrows at me in return. I grin back… that's definitely the smart thing to do here.

In the meantime Colonel MacKenzie has walked over to Harriet so they can bottle feed my daughter. I catch Harm looking at them and a small smile spreads on his face at the picture. Maybe he thinks about their own future kids.

"I'm glad she decided to come, sir." Harm looks at me while eyeing AJ's construction curiously from the corner of his eyes. "Me too, Bud. It wouldn't have been the same without you and Harriet here. Whoever changed her mind, they deserve a medal." For a moment I frown until I realize he talks about me and my folks.

"Uh, I meant the Colonel, sir." That makes him stop pushing around the sand. He sighs and gives me a smile I haven't seen often, or never… hard to say. I just know that it isn't the typical self assured flyboy smile he usually sports when things go his way. In fact he seems to be pretty shy about this. Ok, I've always known he is a very private man.

"I'm glad about that too, Bud." He keeps looking at her and the longing I can see etched on his face is the same I see in the mirror when I think about Harriet. Boy he has it bad. But then, I always knew that. Even when they were still strangers to each other at the beginning, one could practically feel the sparks in the air, back at the White House Rose Garden all these years ago, when we were all still so innocent. I do think they should earn an entry in the Guinnes Book of world records though… Being in love with each other for nine years without acting on it ought to be a rare thing.

The tall man in front of me shovels some more sand onto AJ's sandcastle and when he starts talking again, I feel the urge to shake my ears to make sure I get right what I hear. "You know Bud, when you and Harriet started to become an issue… it used to amuse the hell out of me." Oh god, I remember that too. And I'm not the least bit surprised that Harmon Rabb would have found my awkwardness funny.

What really shocks me is what he reveals next and for more than one reason too. The great Harmon Rabb jr, Navy Captain, Ex-fighter jock and brilliant lawyer, my mentor, teacher and friend tells me that he feels just as clumsy sometimes and he seems to be embarrassed about it. I give him my best grin and nod. "They make our heads dizzy, our hands clumsy and our mouths dry."

He looks at me with that raised eyebrow and I realize I'm not making much sense to him other than stating the obvious. "I'm sorry, sir. What I mean to say is that we're in love." And that earns me a small smile.

"You still in love, Bud?" What kind of question is that? I'm crazy about Harriet! "Very much so, sir." At first I think he means it as a joke or something and I grin at him, but his expression is pretty sober and I turn earnest again, too. Turning the shovel over to the architect of the construction, he looks over at our respective women again. The Colonel holds Nicky again and I see the look he gets while watching her feed my daughter. I know that look well. He would be a wonderful father, and she would be a wonderful mother. And right now, he wishes that my baby girl was his.

"How do you function, Bud? Around Harriet I mean, when your brain has gone UA?" Did I just hear him ask that? I turn my head to look at him but he seems serious. "I mean, honestly, I just don't get Mac out of my head. I find myself sitting around daydreaming like a schoolboy with a crush. I'm completely out of control and it's driving me nuts!" Wow, that sounds almost frustrated. Not to mention the fact, that this usually very private man next to me tells me these things without a second thought.

I chuckle to myself. "It is what being in love is all about, Harm." I decide on the more private address because right now he just doesn't look much like a Captain to me. He seems to be a bit shocked by my answer. "Is it the same for you?" But before I can answer he shakes his head and puts up a hand to stop me. "Scratch that Bud. It's obvious." And I give him another chuckle.

"The moment I don't feel dizzy around Harriet, I'll know I have a problem in my marriage." He nods at that but gives me a frustrated sigh anyway. "Yeah but it's… just… so…" He trails off gesticulating wildly with his hands instead and I almost grin like a donkey at the tall man in front of me reduced to this. If it wasn't so serious it would be outright funny. But men like us don't make fun of each other about that. That would be completely counter productive. At the end of the day we all sit in the same boat.

I pat his back – in a very manly way – and tell him that it will get easier with time. That's not entirely true, but no need to frighten the poor guy even more and men need to stand together after all. I suppose that in a way, all men are like the two of us… at least all men who are in love. Though I think with Harm and Mac it might be even worse. I know I'm like the happiest goof on the planet for finding Harriet on the _Seahawk_ all these years ago. But Harm and Mac are another matter altogether. Loving each other so deeply for so long and yet always trying to love other people despite everything must have taken its toll on them one way or another.

A few years back Tiner once called it a hot air balloon about to burst and thinking back I believe that allegation wasn't all that wrong.

"I realize it's scary. It still is to me and I've been happily married for years." I don't say more. Men just understand each other. We both look over at Harriet and the Colonel again and the man next to me amazes me more by the minute. He doesn't even try to hide the pride and love. He really has grown up. The Harmon Rabb I met on the _Seahawk_ 10 years ago is not the man who sits next to me right now. The young Lieutenant back then was cocky and arrogant. A brilliant Lawyer and gifted pilot, friendly and funny, hell I liked him from the start and he sort of became the reason I wanted to become a JAG. But the young Lieutenant of back then would have never allowed himself to settle down with a wife and think about a family, no matter how much he cared about the woman. The career of that man would have always come first, no matter what. The man next to me now, has learned to put the needs and wishes of others before his own occasionally, and that is what makes him the excellent leader he is and wonderful husband and father I know he will be.

"You know Bud, making you my best man was one of the smartest things I ever did!" And there it is again, the self assured, cocky grin. Our moment of male banter seems to be over and I get another pat on the back to support the grin.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**2107 local**

As soon as we enter the apartment, we simultaneously make our way to the couch in the living room, plopping down on it unceremoniously. I don't know why, but I'm so tired after today I can hardly keep myself upright. Yet, I dread going to bed, because I know I don't want to sleep. Not really.

Ever since I talked to Harriet earlier, talking to him has been on my mind. Not that it wasn't on my mind before that, but Harriet just has that way of poking the right buttons, similar to Harm actually. Only Harm never hesitated to push the painful buttons for better or for worse. Harriet is a lot more careful with these things. But then again, she's a woman and by all means and purposes she doesn't nearly know me as well as Harm does.

I turn my head to watch Harm next to me. He looks really adorable that way… his head leaned back against the sofa, his eyes closed. I smile to myself at his expression. Not long ago he wouldn't have trusted me enough to do this with me in visible range. But now, he seems content enough about our relationship to let me see the fact that he is as tired as I am.

He opens his eyes and catches me looking at him and even though we've been a couple for a few weeks now, I feel myself blushing. "See something interesting?" I chuckle to save me from a response. I don't really want to boost his ego any higher. He's had this cocky grin on his face ever since he showed 'Sarah' to me this morning.

Sighing deeply I take up all the courage I can muster right now. "Harm… about last night." He holds up his hand to stop me, but I push it down next to us on the couch. "No, let me…" I take another deep breath. "I just want to tell you… that I'm sorry for last night." Harm takes another breath as if to stop me, but a finger on his lips silences him for the moment. I really need to get this off my conscience before we create yet another rift between us.

"I don't know what made me say what I did. I know you're not like that… and you deserved better from me." It's amazing how my usually so confident voice can become so small in a matter of seconds. I know what I want to tell him, damn it. So why doesn't it just come out like I want it to?

"Mac… I'm not angry." Ha, sure he isn't. He looks at my expression and tries again. "I mean, I'm not angry anymore. I won't deny that I was last night though." At least we're getting somewhere with this. But I guess he did have a right to be mad yesterday and I tell him so.

But contrary to my expectation, Harm only shakes his head sadly. "You have every right to know about my past, Mac. Especially about… that part of my past." He tilts my chin up so my eyes can meet his. "But you have to believe me when I tell you that I didn't take every woman to bed that ever crossed my path. We both know there were too many and I'm not proud of that. But I need you to trust me on this."

He looks intently at me, as if he tries to strengthen his words. And he probably does. "Harm, I do trust you. We've both trusted each other with our lives and that hasn't changed." But Harm has none of it. He holds up his hand once again to stop me. "Mac, I always trusted you with my life but that was never the question here. I know there is love between us. And I don't make a misjudgment about that. What I feel for you is a lot stronger than affection. What we need to do is learn how to live with the knowledge of our love for one another and the responsibility that results from it." He brushes his lips to my forehead and wraps me into his arms.

For a moment there I forget that I wanted to talk to him. Harm has always had that effect on me and ever since we became lovers it has only increased. I don't fool myself. I love these moments of companionship, of just holding each other. I practically live for them and if the world ended right now, I would die a happy girl for knowing the man whose arms are around me loves me as much as I love him.

"Mac?" His voice is just barely more than a whisper. I lean back from my space on his shoulder and find his blue-grey eyes looking down on me. "I think I understand why you said what you said." For a moment I'm confused but memory comes back all too quickly. He does understand? How is that possible when I don't know myself?

He turns more towards me and puts his hand on my cheek to offer both reassurance and comfort. "A lot of things have happened in your life in the recent past. You were hurt in many ways and that has to have some impact on your emotions."

He looks at me in that Harm-way I came to love recently. I've never noticed this before, but he really has that one look he seems to reserve for me only. Its love, concern, comfort and so many other things all combined into one expression and each time he bestows it upon me, I feel myself trusting him with anything and everything. But now he seems to hold his breath as if he is waiting for another outburst.

Actually I can feel some sort of anger stirring at the edge of my conscience, but it's not enough to make me lash out or anything. "You need to work through this…and if you want me to, I'll be there with you." Yeah… My instincts tell me to run and work it out on my own. But the little voice inside my head tells me, that running didn't work too well after Mic left and that maybe taking Harm up on his offer is the reasonable thing to do here.

I take his hand and squeeze it hard to show him that I understand what he tries to tell me and that I appreciate it. And I do. For the first time in our story the relationship is more important to me than feeding or nursing my own insecurities. Harm has let his guard down because, as he put it, he didn't have any walls to protect him from me anymore. I guess in a way that is true for me as well. I don't have any protective walls left either and that's the real reason why we have come so far in such a short time.

We sit there, holding each other silently for a couple moments, when Harm starts shifting all of a sudden, taking me with him. Instead of getting up however, he positions us on the sofa with him at the back and me in front of him, my back to his chest. His arm sneaks around me protectively and we both sigh contentedly.

It is that moment when it hits me. Harm and I are lovers. Even though we haven't engaged in anything overly physical since our first night together, we are definitely lovers. And what makes this even better is the fact, that we are also friends, best friends even. And for whatever miracle, the bond that was formed in the Arizona desert so long ago never really weakened no matter what we put our relationship through over the years and that gives me confidence in the thing between us.

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**0217 local**

I open my eyes and find only darkness around me. Mac is still snuggled up against my chest, which isn't surprising, considering my arm has her practically trapped in place. We must have fallen asleep while cuddling on the couch, which brings a chuckle to me. Who would have thought, that Mac and I would ever cuddle like this?

Not that I didn't want to in the past. God knows I dreamed about moments like this one more than once. In fact, most times I dreamed about Mac and me we were like this or something similar. Sure, there were those dreams where she and I would engage into hot and steamy sex and all that, but mostly my fantasies were of cuddling, laughing and simply enjoying each other's company.

Rabb, you are getting old… and overly sentimental. There is that nagging voice in my head again and I ruthlessly stamp down on it to make it shut up for good. I disentangle myself from her and grin to myself when she turns around and snuggles more onto the couch. Ignoring the warning in my head about not bothering my back too much, I pick her up and carry her to our bed.

Well… this is where the awkwardness starts. She is still in her jeans and pullover just like me. I don't want to wake her and leaving her in these clothes will only make her uncomfortable. I decide to do the smart thing and go to the bathroom to change. Maybe the problem will have solved itself after I return.

Five minutes later I find that it hasn't. Mac is still sleeping just like I placed her on the bed. But waking her is not an option. I'm glad she can find rest, knowing her insomniac persona. The Marine wouldn't mind if I woke her up, maybe not even the woman behind the green façade. But I know she is emotionally exhausted after the last couple days, and especially after last night. She needs all the rest she can get. I know I do.

I take another look at her sprawled on her back and make quick work of her jeans, not allowing myself to linger anywhere. I take off her jeans and cover her up with the bed sheets so she won't get cold before I climb in on the other side.

I scoot closer to the middle and almost instantly she wraps her arm around me and snuggles into position on my side. Who am I to complain about that? I kiss her temple good night and before long I feel sleep conquering me too.

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**0630 local**

An unnerving sound penetrates through my foggy brain and I groan in frustration when I realize its Harm's alarm, going off. God how I hate that sound! Before I can move over him and shut the thing up, Harm's arm flies backwards, hitting the offending clock squarely on the top to make the beeping stop.

"Morning jarhead" comes a muffled grumble from somewhere on his pillow and I feel him kissing my temple lightly before snuggling back to me. I can't help but smile. I always knew he is not one to jump out of bed the moment the alarm goes off, but in a way I'm still surprised, considering his usual cheerful manner in the mornings.

Instead of peeling himself out of the sheets he gets himself comfortable again. "You know that alarm told you its time to rise and shine!" No reply.

"Harm… don't you want to get up?" Ok, that is a stupid question. Quite obviously he doesn't and he doesn't even acknowledge my question with an answer. I untangle myself from him and prop myself up on one arm to look down and I realize that I'm still wearing my pullover while my jeans have somehow disappeared miraculously. Shaking the thought away for a moment, I return back to my task. "Haaaarm, it's Monday morning, you gotta get up and go to the office."

Harm grumbles again under his breath but still doesn't make a move to get up which makes me shake his shoulder to get his attention, since Captain sleeping beauty is obviously still not among the living. He swats my arm away and mumbles again. "Mac, I love you more than anything, but if you don't quit interrupting my 5-minute-wake-up-period I'll have to hurt you physically".

My internal clock says it's another 97 seconds before his 5 minutes are up. Well, it's not for a lack of trying after all. If he is late, he is late. It's his office, not mine.

Just when I am about to remind him again, the alarm goes off a second time, and again he flings his arm in its general direction to stop it. Only this time he really does peel himself out of the sheets and stumbles toward the bathroom. I sit in bed, my eyes open as far as my mouth. Sneaky squid!

Only a quarter of an hour later he appears again in his white uniform pants and the white shirt he wears underneath his dress shirt, completely shaved and ready to bounce. And, not that it really surprises me, he is his old usual cheery self.

He offers to get breakfast started and I don't complain. Harm is way better at preparing a decent breakfast than I am, considering my breakfast would contain a hot cup of coffee and some bagel. I prefer his scrambled eggs, oatmeal, fresh orange juice and black coffee by far. If there is anything he's really good at apart from flying and lawyering it's his cooking and… No, Marine. Don't you dare going there!

We sit together over steaming coffee and fresh pancakes only a short time later and I have to admit, he overdid himself once again. I could get used to starting the day like this at all time. If we ever start dividing up house duties, galley-duty will definitely be his job.

"… dinner tonight?" Huh? Did he just ask me something? His expectant expression tells me he did. "What did you just say?" He frowns for a second and repeats his offer. It takes me a while to digest the info and he obviously thinks I don't want to and starts his usual back-paddling.

"Uh, we don't have to. I just thought… " he trails off and uncertainty is the dominant feature on his face. I try the waters carefully. "Would that be… like a date?" His eyes begin to lighten up again and his cheeks start flushing.

"Would you mind if it was?" What kind of question is that? Of course I wouldn't. "I would love to go on a date with you!" I smile at him and he returns it. And there it is again. The shyness I've seen directed at me so often in the past without understanding it. "Then it is a date!" He gives me another of his famous grins and I'm glad to sit on a chair, because my legs start to turn into jelly.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

**Goodman**

**26 Maddox Street****, **

**London**

**1930 local**

I guide Mac toward the entrance to our restaurant. I hope she doesn't mind too much that I picked out the place where we will eat, after all I chose a steakhouse. There is a use for all the British military personnel at my office after all. Asked where to take a beautiful lady for a nice dinner out, I was told this is one of the places to go. Sure, there were others, but a Marine's love goes straight through her stomach, especially this Marine's. And what's better to get her onto my good sides than lots of dead cow?

The grin that spreads her beautiful face once she takes a good look at the menu is all I need. "Do you mind telling me what you intend to eat?" Her eyebrows are drawn up into her hairline in curiosity and I give her the same self-satisfied smile that I know she would give me if the tables were returned.

"I'll take the baked potato and the big salad." She flips the menu to look for my meal. Why she took a look at it in the first place is beyond me, since we both know what she is going to order for herself.

I laugh when she announces, that the restaurant really does serve vegetarian foods, even though it is a steak house. Of course they would, otherwise I definitely would have chosen another location for this.

Dinner is served soon and we eat in companionable silence most of the time and the more time passes, the more nervous I get. Jesus, Rabb… get a grip. It's not like this is your first date ever and it's not the first dinner with Mac either. But I can't shake the feeling that this is not like any of the other dinners we had over the years. Those were just excuses to be together sometimes and work related at others. Tonight is the first REAL date we ever went to…well apart from that one night of horror, when we were at that ridiculous concert that never happened with Renee and Mic. And that one doesn't count really, because we were both with other partners. And I want our first real date to be completely perfect.

I find myself enjoying this, which doesn't really surprise me. Any time spent with Mac is enjoyable… if we aren't fighting that is. But tonight the agenda is not to clear some of the cobwebs around our relationship. It's an evening that only serves the purpose of enjoying each other's company and have a good time together.

We talk about some stuff that happened in our lives, nothing too serious though. She tells me about her time in OCS and we compare stories to my time at the Academy. For all the strict and down-to-business-Marine she usually is, I'm surprised to find out that she pulled some pranks, too. And here I thought I was the only black sheep.

"You know, Keeter once told me all about your shaving gel incident with the statue on the Academy ground." I groan in frustration. "Yeah, and Keeter and Turner had the fun of a lifetime. You wouldn't know it from his prickly behavior today, but Sturgis Turner was just as bad as the rest of us."

She grins at that. It really is hard to believe. Sturgis Turner has become a prick with no humor whatsoever and that hit me hard when I first realized. "And by the way, we were all pretty plastered that night. We were all SO lucky that Diane found us and tucked us in before we were recognized and expelled. There is just no way they would have let that one slip."

Only after I say it do I realize that I just mentioned Diane's name. But looking over at Mac I can't see any signs of distress. There shouldn't be either. Diane is long since gone and although I loved her, I've gotten over her and what happened to her a long time ago. And mostly because of the wonderful woman I share my dinner with tonight. She has made sure, that talking about Diane Schonke is no longer as painful or feels like a missed opportunity as it used to.

"Then I guess I should be glad she found you guys!" At my frown she elaborates further. "Well, if she hadn't, you'd have all been expelled from the Navy and you and I would have never met." She gives me that devilish grin again and I just have to laugh. Yeah, fate has really dealt me some shitty cards at times, but this one was my big fat lucky streak for sure.

**The Adelaide**

**North-West London**

**2149 local**

After dinner neither of us wants the evening to end and I can convince Harm to go to a bar or something for a pleasant end of our 'date'. It doesn't take too much force really. I enjoyed being with him tonight. I always knew he would be a wonderful companion for a date, but still, I start to see why his girlfriends stayed with him for as long as they did and just why he always ended up with dinner invitations all over the place.

We find this little Irish bar that has just enough light to prevent anybody from tripping over stuff. We steer over to a small booth to the wall and before we are comfortable, the waiter picks up our orders. Harm chooses his usual diet coke for when we are out together. He's never been too comfortable about drinking in front of me, and while I appreciate the gesture it makes me roll my eyes most of the time.

The bar is nice. There is music in the background and there is even a tiny dance floor with some people moving around it. The music is not too intrusive though. The layout of the place is a bit like McMurphy's at home with a long bar and some corner booths to the wall, a pool table to the back and some one-armed bandits at the far wall. Maybe I can challenge him to a game of pool later on. I just love to see him loose.

"So, sailor? Are you ready to loose yet?" He jerks his head in my direction and I have to grin at his dumbstruck face. We've been sitting here for half an hour already and I'm ready for some action. "I mean the pool table, Flyboy!" That earns me a slight 'oh' and he shrugs.

"Who said I'm going to loose? You are the one who should be careful. I haven't lost too many games in my life." Yeah, we'll see about that. "Then it is about time we add one or two to the list!" With that I brush past him, deliberately brushing his shoulder as I do so.

When I turn around I see him still standing there, with his mouth not quite closed. "You coming?" I blink my eyelashes at him to beckon him over and as if on a leash he really starts to move in my direction. Boy, this is going to be fun.

Harm puts in the first shoot, sending one of the halves into a pocket. Yup, this is going to be fun for sure. He tries to score a second time, but misses by only a couple millimeters.

I lean over the table and aim carefully at the ball and with only a slight movement of my cue I send my 1 ball into its socket and the 5 ball follows suit on my next move.

Harm is damn good, I have to give him that much. But then I knew that from when I watched him play with Sturgis at McMurphy's. Right now he is only one ball behind me and if I don't distract him soon, this match will be over before I know it.

"We haven't talked about the winning prize yet!" He looks up from where he is leaning over the table and grins at me. "Well, how about I get a congratulatory kiss and a dance as soon as I finish kicking your six all over this pool table?" He waggles his eyebrows at me in that way that tells me he doesn't consider his win in danger.

"Oh, I thought about a nice massage!" Two can play this game and damn him if I have to play it dirty. If possible his grin gets even wider. "I wouldn't say no to that either. My back hasn't been bothering me in the last couple days, but…" I hold up my hand to stop him. "I meant for me, flyboy!"

He frowns at me again and shakes his head. "And why would I give YOU a massage? I mean… not that that wouldn't be enjoyable, but… " Again I get that infamous flyboy grin of his. Damn but its working. You just wait Harmon Rabb! "We'll see about that. By the way I expect the deluxe version of that massage! After I win of course." I lean into him just enough to make him take a deep breath and I get my way… he misses the next move ... big time.

"That wasn't fair, Marine!" Who cares? I shrug and lean over the table for my own move sending yet another two balls into their sockets, which only leaves the 8ball to pocket which I miss.

Harm takes revenge and pockets his next 3 balls in a matter of a few seconds with sure and clean strokes of his cue, grinning at me like the cat that got away. But he too misses the 8-ball which gives me another opportunity and I take it, making sure not to look at him while doing so. I move into position and tip the ball just lightly to make it drop into the nearest pocket.

I just feel the big fat smile spreading over my face and Harm groans behind me. "You know that wasn't exactly nice of you." I just turn around and give him a slight kiss. "I can't wait for that massage!" With that I put both our cues into their proper place and walk over to him again.

I almost snort when I approach him. Poor baby just lost the match against the big bad Marine. Well, he better get used to it. Just as we want to head back to our table, two guys approach the pool table and challenge us to another match against them. One look at them tells me, they've had quite a bit to drink and their shoe sizes are about the same as their IQ.

Harm and I start one of those silent communications that we used to drive the others at the office nuts with. I'm not exactly sure how we do that all the time, but sometimes I think we don't need words at all. Which makes our current situation even more ridiculous, considering we really never understood what the other meant to say in the past and even have trouble conversing now.

We agree to the match, silently consenting that we will kick their stupid asses all over the place. As we cue up and get ready, another fact comes to my mind: Harm and I have been partnered so often over the years and yet not a single incident comes to mind, when we lost a trial or anything else we worked on together. It almost makes me chuckle. We sure are one hell of a team. And those two are no match. They won't know what hit them.

"What are we playing for?" Harm asks as he puts some chalk onto the tip of his cue calmly. One of the idiots grins at me and then at his mate and gestures in my direction. "Winners get a kiss from the beautiful lady!" Harm is about ready to strike, his shoulders stiff and his back straight. He is only seconds away from telling them to fuck off and ram their cues into some of their body parts roughly.

I step forward lightly and put a hand on his arm to calm him down. "Loser pays the bar check and it's a deal!" The two blokes look at each other and in the end agree to my offer. There is just no way I'm going to kiss either of them. I give Harm a wink and a devilish grin forms on his face. "Don't worry. We are Batman and Robin, remember?" But a look on his face tells me he isn't at all because he knows our record as well as I do.

"Ok, gentlemen. Show us what you've got." With that he is all business again. It prides me that he would get so possessive over me and be so outraged at their comment, but then again, this is Harm. He was always more intense than anybody else. The taller guy starts the game and with some luck one of the halfs actually goes into a pocket and he manages to score the next one.

The professional in me quickly scans the possibilities. The guy who started the match a moment ago is not that bad, but he doesn't seem to have any tactic besides hitting the balls into the pocket. This should be a cakewalk if there ever was one.

Harm is next and he doesn't disappoint me. He hits three balls straight in and only misses number four because of the layout on the table. There is just no way he could have put another in the pocket. He did, however, put their balls into a position, from where they would have likewise problems.

As if on cue, the smaller guy, Bryan, misses his next move for which he has to take quite some rambling from his friend, which is pretty ridiculous, considering the positions of the halves on the table.

Harm just looks at me and winks. They are so in for it. I move into position and drape myself almost over the table so I can make the move. Out of the corner of my eye I can see the taller idiot drool at what he sees. Well, let him. He'll see what good it will do to him. I put in another 3 balls which only leaves one and the final 8 for Harm in his next round.

Bryan's friend is still drooling when he positions himself again and I have to stifle a laugh when he seems to have trouble focusing on the game in front of him. Why they even thought they could stand a chance against us is beyond me. They are hardly more than beginners in comparison and they did watch us play earlier.

He pockets another ball but is not lucky with the second one and I can just hold back the urge to high-five Harm, because I know he won't let anything burn now. Not that I doubted our win to begin with, mind you.

Calmly Harm puts a bit chalk on his tip and blows it off as he decides which pocket to take for the 8-ball. Our two opponents look at each other and then at the table as though willing the black 8 to move around so Harm won't be able to put it in its place.

Harm obviously decides to put on a show for me, because he leans almost over the table just like I had earlier and I don't suppose it's a coincidence that his perfect backside is just staring right into my face. He moves slowly and I know he does it deliberately. A hard jab with his cue and the "8" soars into the corner pocket, effectively ending the game.

The two guys groan in frustration and give Harm a look of disgust as he turns around to give me a short kiss. Nothing spectacular, only a slight peck on my mouth. We are both not the type to engage in breathtaking snogging sessions in public. Given our age it wouldn't be very appropriate anyway.

Harm walks me back to our table and claps Bryan on the shoulder as we pass them by. Poor guys, they really didn't stand a chance.

We don't sit down again though. Helping me into my jacket, Harm explains to the bartender, that the two gentlemen by the pool table would pay for our drinks and then leads us out towards his Corvette. We only registered his two cars the day before yesterday and it seems slightly strange, that his cars now sport British number plates.

"You wanna take us home?" I turn around surprised. Did he just offer me to drive his precious '68 Corvette? "You serious?" He nods and extends his keys. I'm more than surprised, considering he didn't have any alcohol to drink tonight. Not even over dinner. "Think you can find the way home?"

I snort at his comment. "Harm, I'm a Marine, remember? We don't get lost… we explore the territory at best…" He gives me his winning smile and holds out the driver's door for me to get in before he walks over to get into the passenger's seat. "Nah, how could I forget that? You remind me of it about 10 times a day."

Yeah, only I'm no longer a Marine. I sigh and put the key into the ignition and a positive feeling rushes through me when the engine soars to life and the car starts to vibrate in just the right way. God, how I miss my own Corvette. There is just nothing like it.

Harm gives me a grin and shakes his head at me, but doesn't comment otherwise. I move his precious baby through London's evening traffic easily and smooth and within no time I pull up in front of our apartment, almost sorry the drive is already over.

"This was great!" I just can't help my exclamation. "I should take your 'vette more often!" Harm suddenly becomes very still next to me, halting his movement to unbuckle his seatbelt. I look over at him and frown. "What is it?" He slowly removes the belt and lets it slide into its place next to him. "You mean that, don't you?"

I roll my eyes. "Oh right, I forgot it's YOUR 'vette. Don't worry I'm not going to hurt your pretty little baby!" It really annoys the hell out of me, but before I can get out of the car so I can start ranting in a more dignified manner, he grabs my arm and makes me turn around.

"Mac, I don't care for the car!" Yeah right and pigs can fly! Like always, he can sense that I'm not buying it and goes on. "Mac… Sarah, listen. I could care less if something happened to the car. At the end of the day it's just that… a car. But I worry about you!"

That makes me stop for a moment. "So you're saying I'm not careful in traffic then?" But this time he rolls his eyes in frustration. "Mac! What I'm saying is, that my 'vette is a '68 model and they don't come with airbags! I just don't want anything to happen to you, ok?"

That makes me chuckle slightly. "Harm, I know you don't want anything to happen to me. And you let me drive just now so I don't suppose it's a matter of confidence either. I've been driving for almost 20 years now and I know what I'm doing, alright? There really isn't any reason to worry that much. But if it's any relief, I won't take the 'vette in the future if it bothers you that much."

He turns his head and looks out the passenger's side again. "After spending last Christmas next to your hospital bed, it damn sure does." His voice is small, almost like a whisper and when his words register with my brain, the smile disappears from my features. He doesn't want me to drive his convertible because the last time I drove one, I damn near killed myself. Surviving that day was, by all means, sheer dumb luck, nothing more.

I reach over and take his hand to make him acknowledge me again. When he turns his head back towards me I brush my lips over his. "I don't want to repeat last Christmas either nor do I want to reverse the roles of that night." But his fear of having an accident doesn't explain why HE is still allowed to drive this thing and I tease him about it to lighten the glum mood.

He leans back into the seat and closes his eyes for a moment. "I rarely do anymore, even in Washington. I had her with me that night and I sped to the hospital not thinking about anything but getting to you on the fastest route possible. It only occurred to me a couple days later that you would have been dead had you been in my Corvette instead of yours. After that I drove the Lexus for the rest of the winter and only took this one when I had the SUV checked out and tires exchanged for summer."

Wow, I hadn't even noticed that. But thinking back it's true. His shiny red car had been a rare sight at the JAG HQ parking lot recently. It just never occurred to me, that my accident would have had anything to do with it.

"So, what now? Are you going to sell it after all the hard work?" He squeezes my hand in reassurance and shakes his head 'no' slightly. "I'm not going to sell it. But it shouldn't be more than a Sunday car or maybe for nice dinners with my favorite Marine." And there it is again, the infamous flyboy grin.

I can live with that, though it's sad in a way. I really love this car, even though it isn't mine. This reminds me, I am going to need a car or else one of us WILL be taking the corvette to work in the not too far away future.

But for tonight I simply lean over for another taste of his lips before I motion for us to get out of the car. Harm is around the car and at my door to hold it open for me before I can even gather my purse and grab the handle. "May I ma'am?" Damn, he always has to play the gentleman.

I let him though. We had such a good night, and knowing him everything has to be perfect. After all it's practically our first date ever. All the evenings spent over pizza and case files don't count.

He leads me into the house, his arm lightly guiding me on my lower back and when we reach the bedroom door inside, a breath catches in my throat for a moment. It's ridiculous really, considering we have been kissing for weeks now, but somehow tonight is different. He bends down and brushes his lips lightly over mine, lingering for a moment and then backing off.

"I had a wonderful time tonight, Sarah MacKenzie." I smile inwardly. He really does play this to the very end of a picture book date. Going out for dinner at a nice restaurant, going for a drink in a bar, enjoying each other's company and then bringing the girl back to her place, well our place really, and wishing her good night. "I had a wonderful time too!" And this brings me the grin I was waiting for and then his voice is barely a whisper when he tells me to go and change first while he would secure the apartment.

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**2315 local**

I walk back to our bedroom after giving her an appropriate amount of time to get changed into her PJ's. I closed up the apartment and made sure all the windows are closed since we are on first floor here and you never know what could happen.

It's a good thing I had something to do too, or else I would have wandered right in there and watched her peel out of that wonderful dress she wore tonight. I swear I was SO close to jumping her when she leaned over that pool table so seductively earlier. There is only so much a man can take after all.

I ask her if she's decent yet and I'm almost disappointed when she confirms but I stroll in as casually as I can make myself look and make short work of my pants and shirt before heading into the bathroom for a quick shower… a cold one.

I grin to myself at the fact that I just took off both, pants and shirt right in front of her. At the time it didn't even occur to me that it might be considered inappropriate. After all she has seen me do that quite a few times over the years, whenever we were in cramped quarters on investigations or otherwise in a hurry. And it's not like I was totally naked with my boxers still on.

My grin gets even wider when I realize she didn't even attempt to stay properly at her side of the bed. In the time since we decided to share the bed now, we kind of agreed silently on the fact, that whoever would go to bed first, would scoot over to the middle, so cuddling would be possible.

I climb in and as soon as I'm positioned, Mac throws her arm over my chest and snuggles into my shoulder, bedding her head practically on my chest. "Comfortable?" I ask her unnecessarily. "Very!"

I kiss her temple lightly and braid my fingers with hers. Somehow I don't really want this night to end. There is no need to talk though. We spent a good part of the evening talking about everything and anything, nothing in particular and now it's simply the time to enjoy each other's closeness and shut up.

We lie there for quite a while, neither of us saying something. Suddenly Mac starts to chuckle and I frown. At my dumbfounded look she starts explaining. "You know, it usually isn't my habit to take a guy to bed after the first night out." I snort in reply and give her a squeeze. "Yeah, but other guys just aren't as cute and funny as I am!" This earns me the expected swat on my chest.

She gives me a mischievous smile and reminds me that I still owe her a massage. Oh oh… I had really hoped she would let me off the hook on that one, at least after tonight's events, but no such luck. How do I explain to her in a dignified way, that giving her a massage in our current attire would not go over well on the decency front OR the embarrassment front.

I'm a naval aviator, damn it. Pulling out my best confidential tone I turn around and simply state the obvious. "Mac… I don't think a massage is very smart right now." She raises her eyebrow. "I mean, not that I don't want to or anything. I'm sure it would be nice and all, I just…" Ok, Rabb, stop babbling like an idiot. "I think it would be a bit too enjoyable in our current attire…" And the blush keeps creeping up my cheeks. "I mean in bed and… half naked and all that."

Mac bursts out laughing at that, no giggling is more like it. "Harm it's alright. It doesn't have to be tonight." Relief washes over me but there is the feeling that she talks about more than a backrub and suddenly she becomes silent and reaches up with a small smile playing on her lips. It's not a grin-like smile, rather one that shows how confident and safe she feels at the moment.

I feel her fingertips by my ear and she smoothes a stray hair or so behind it. It's a kind gesture but I hardly feel it. All I notice are her beautiful brown eyes that speak so much when her lips don't say anything at all. I feel like a magnet drawing me near and I see the smile slowly disappearing from her face and be replaced by concentration and want.

When our lips make contact, one or both of us sigh and groan at the same time. After all this time we've been together now, I could still drown in our kisses. It sometimes takes almost painful force to let her go before things get out of hand. I want to touch her so much, to be with her in every way possible and each time I tear myself away from her it becomes harder and harder.

I'm not willing to let her go this time, even though a tiny voice at the back of my head reminds me, that it isn't that time yet. I squash it down harshly and keep kissing her for all I'm worth. Her tongue touches my outer lips, requesting entrance and who am I to deny that?

Our tongues duel and before I can stop myself, my hand sneaks underneath her shirt to touch bare skin. Her hands aren't idle either, mind you. Her fingers move up my (still!) flat and muscled stomach to my pecs where she plays with my scarce hair.

God, I want her so much and my body is not slow to respond either. Within seconds it feels as though my loose boxers are way too tight to be comfortable and when she releases my mouth to trail her lips down my jaw and throat, her hand starts to wander south as well and I feel impatient, because from this position it's hard for me to touch her.

I tense as her fingers reach the seam of my boxers though, since she doesn't seem to have any intention of stopping there. Some days I really hate these damn voices in my head. I have to know now, because if she goes much further I won't have any power left at all to call it quits for the time being. "Sarah, are you sure?" God, I want her to say yes.

Since her lips start getting back to my own mouth I'm not sure how I just formed these words, but as soon as I say them, she stops her movements and looks up at me like she was burned.

And I hate myself. Did I hurt her? Does she feel rejected? Of course she does. Why do I always fuck it up with this woman? Why should it be wrong to make love to the only woman I've ever loved? Why should I stop what both of us obviously want so much? But it is wrong and it has to stop. "I'm sorry."

To my utter surprise she nods and leans her head to my forehead. It's a gesture that is familiar with me by now. We always end up like that when things get out of hand while we kiss. But it's slightly different than the other times so far. We both feel defeated I think. For the first time since that fateful night at my apartment, I was really willing to cross that particular line.

But the look on Mac's face tells me, that even though she would have gone along with it, we should take a bit more time. I kiss her temple and whisper "Soon!" into her hair, making sure she knows how very much I want to be with her that way. I really don't know how much longer I can stay away from her, or both of us from each other, depending on the point of view.

She looks at me intently and nods, accepting my word as a promise rather than a rejection. Her hand comes up to my cheek and she softly traces my cheekbone with her thumb before leaning in for a slight kiss. "Soon!" is all she says and I pull her closer to me yet again to make sure I understand her promise as much as she understood mine.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**2214 local**

I'm so beat, I want to sleep for the next 200 years. Mac and I have finally managed to haul the last box into our new house, after spending the whole Pentecost holiday weekend with moving our stuff from the garage into the various rooms.

So far we have managed to put the kitchen into working order and move some of the other items around the house where we will need them. Our new couch and coffee table arrived Friday along with our new bed.

Mac and I have been busy for the last three weeks, checking out furniture stores and ordering our new stuff. I think it's a good idea that we need to do that other than simply putting both our households together. We actually had a lot of fun picking out things as we went.

At first I wasn't looking forward to this part of moving in together. Living in the on-base apartment was one thing. It was rather impersonal and came complete with all the furniture. Building a home together with a woman is something else entirely. After all, Mac's old apartment had a rather country flowery style while I was more into the black leather, chrome and glass. Bottom line, it was high-tech against old-fashioned… or male against female.

When I pointed that out to her, she started laughing her ass off at me in the middle of the store. Asking her what was so funny about this simple fact, she took me by surprise in explaining to me, that she had only gotten the furniture of her old apartment, because she had felt it would fit in nicely with the apartment, considering the stucco at the ceiling and the old fashion-style fire place she had. I only groaned at her explanation. Leave it to women to pick their furniture in accordance to their apartment! I remember shaking my head vehemently at that.

Anyway, picking out the bed had been hard. We had both started out on the hunting mission alone and came back with models that the other really couldn't stand. After that we chose the other approach with both of us roaming the home-center together on the hunt for the bed where we would start our married life in. That fact alone made me grateful for our being in London. I would have never felt comfortable starting my married life to Mac in my old bed, which so many others had shared with me.

After lots of ranting and arguing we finally found a model both of us could live with. It wasn't exactly a futon bed like my old one and neither was it the romantic metal construction Mac had used at her apartment in Washington. Rather it had the look of a slightly higher futon combined with a low stainless steel headboard and two end tables in a dark wood style that matched perfectly. I insisted on the foam mattresses though since they are better for my back.

Tonight will be the first night we sleep at this place and I definitely look forward to it. I kind of feel like I was run over by a truck. I let myself fall on the new bed and suddenly moving at all becomes difficult. Especially when Mac lets herself fall down right next to me, equally beat.

"I didn't remember moving in being so much hard work!" I sigh. We repainted some of the walls and I think Mattie's bedroom is going to get another carpet sometime, but other than that, the renovating really didn't take all that much work. In most rooms it was basically the same things we did… putting in the furniture and hauling in the boxes with our things. One smart person once pointed out, that you only know how much stuff you have accumulated once you need to pack or unpack it. That is so true!

I always kind of pictured Mac and me making love on our first night here. I don't know why, but it's been on my mind ever since we started moving things here. It's been two weeks since our first date and we have been on egg shells for a bit ever since. We both felt that the time when we would really come together in every possible way was coming closer. The issues that we both knew we had to clear away at first have been resolved over the last couple weeks. We have talked a lot about why we've done things the way we did and why we had allowed things to become so complicated on various occasions.

We finally buried our past relationships and the hurt and bad feelings we created in each other by that. Talking to her taught me that she suffered of the same kind of insecurities I have and that we both saw the fact that fate meant for us to be together. That was the only reason either of us could come up with, for why, after all these years and all our failed relationships, we always ended up together in one way or another.

That one really had been the hardest part for me. I always knew it deep down, but talking to each other brought it home, that Sarah MacKenzie is the only woman who ever really wormed her way through all my defenses and the thick walls that I had erected around me when I was still a child. And she wormed her way all the way down to the bottom of my soul.

I don't really believe in soul mates or any such thing. I always considered these to only exist in sappy Hollywood movies and teenage novels. But if there was ever such a thing at all, it would be the woman next to me. For, she has seen the dark parts of that soul and she still didn't run screaming in the other direction.

I suppose the love making part is postponed for at least another night. I'm so tired right now, I can barely lift my eyelids, let alone find anything arousing. All I want is a shower and go to sleep. And come to think of it, the shower can wait 'til morning for all I care.

As if in silent agreement, we pull each other up and head to the bathroom, where we deposited our towels and toiletries earlier. We both strip to our underwear and it does nothing to me to see her in her panties and bra. It usually does… but I'm so tired right now, I think I would have trouble spelling the word sex. And besides that it's not like I run around sex deprived and ready to jump her at any convenient moment… not always anyway.

That thought makes me smile to myself. Keeter would tell me I'm getting old. And maybe he would be right about it. I'm no boy anymore. But even though I don't think there is a woman out there somewhere that could even hold a candle to the sheer beauty next to me, I guess I've become content with our progress and accepted the ramifications it came with.

The dressing and undressing in front of each other has become our daily routine. In some ways it seems ridiculous. We have our moments when we are one second away from indulging into our relationship sexually. But then there are moments like this too, when we stand in front of each other, going about our routine and nothing happens.

Maybe I'm really getting old and loosing my interest in sex… yeah, FAT chance! I guess it's more a case of respect for each other. We are old and mature enough to get through things like taking a shower with the other in the room without getting all hot and bothered. Sure, Mac is always a breathtaking sight and I DO have some difficulties when she leaves the shower with all these little droplets falling off of her even though she has a towel around her body.

Seeing her through the milky glass is not nearly as interesting as her wrapped in only a towel. That is the reason I usually take my shower after her… to hide the telltale signs of what she does to me and give me a chance to regain my control.

The shower in our new home poses a problem though. The shower is really a bathtub with a glass construction around the far end, no curtain attached, no door. It's more like the cubicles on carriers. Only those come with steel walls in between, where this one has a completely see-through glass panel, which only fogs up when someone is showering. I would be able to see every contour of her and give her the same show in return.

It worries me for a moment. I'm not ashamed of how I look and I know she has no reason whatsoever to be ashamed of her beauty either. It's just another step in our relationship, because from tonight on, we WILL be able to really watch each other shower and that is a new intimacy altogether.

"Want me to wait outside?" I want to give her the opportunity to back out on this and she considers it for a split second before she shakes her head 'no'. "Nothing you haven't seen before, sailor." And with that she pulls away both panties and bra and steps into the tub, starting the water immediately. She must be as tired as I am, 'cause she doesn't even attempt to give a show, she just goes about her routine to get it over with and I know it will be the same for me.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1545 local**

I just finish putting away the groceries I bought earlier, when my tall, dark and handsome fiancé walks in and flashes me one of those grins that always get him whatever he wants. I get a kiss on my lips that lasts just a little longer then a usual hello-kiss.

"How was your day?" Well, not as boring as they used to be recently. I spent the first half of my day at the embassy office and then went shopping to stock our kitchen with the little necessities we didn't bring from Washington. In a way it really is funny that I of all people would find something missing in Harmon Rabb's kitchen collection.

I walk back towards the counter to put away some wooden spoons when he walks up to me and circles me in his arms. "How about we take you out shopping today?" Uh… I just was out shopping for half a day and let him know just in case he hasn't noticed yet.

"Nah, I thought it was time you got a new ride." Ohhh, that's right. Since I'm not supposed to take the corvette. I can understand his reasons for it too, but right now we only have his SUV and his 'vette and I wasn't particularly willing to carry a ton of bags from one bus stop to another today.

I'm getting wary of him. "Is there something I should know?" He feigns innocence and grins again, which makes me even more suspicious but if it means we finally go and check out cars, I'm all for it. I've been driving a rental car to and from work since I'm still not allowed to drive his 'vette alone. Though, he doesn't take it either and instead relies on his SUV, which is pretty thirsty for European standards.

"Have you given any thought about what your new car should be like?" I have actually. I've gotten so used to a convertible, that I cannot really imagine driving anything else. "Very well, then let's go." He bounces into the bedroom to change and I can only shake my head at him. That man will never cease to surprise the hell out of me.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**2003 local**

After four dealers we finally found a car that would meet Mac's wishes and my safety ideas. I know damn well why I wanted to be there when she picks out her new ride. I knew that I wouldn't allow last Christmas to repeat itself if I had any say in the matter. And hey, since she helped me pick out my SUV a couple years back, I think it's only fair that I went with her this time.

After visiting with the various brands she was interested in, she finally settled on a Ford Focus coupé cabriolet that has about all the safety mechanisms I could come up with, right down to the daytime running lamps. Mac only insisted on the steering wheel on the left side rather than the customary right one in UK. The guy from the dealership stared at her bewildered, but assured us that wouldn't be a problem. Asking her why she insisted on that, I was told that she found it kind of cool to be part of the small group of people who drove non-UK cars in London.

I guess I really don't have to understand that. But it makes me smile anyway, because it is just so… Mac! And I can only hope, that she has had enough of her Mac-moments for today and won't be too mad at what I'm about to tell her.

I ask her to join me on our new couch and she settles in, completely enjoying herself. Of course she would, after all she just purchased a new car and will be driving it before the month is over, just as soon as the dealer can finish the contract and get it shipped over from the continent, as they call the rest of Europe here.

"Mac, I got a call today." She turns towards me, obviously sensing that I'm broaching a difficult subject. "What was it about?" Well… I don't think there is any good way to say this, so I'll just jump right in. 

"They want to release Mattie within the next two weeks." There, I've said it. But rather than turning mad at me for not telling her earlier, she palms my cheek and leans in for a kiss. "That's wonderful news. When is she going to get onto a plane?" Wow, I hadn't quite expected that reaction. I mean sure… she had said she was ok with Mattie coming here to live with us in London, but saying it and actually doing it are two different things. But a short flicker of something other than happiness or gratefulness crosses her features and that makes me slightly uncomfortable.

"She will take a flight as soon as she gets out of there. Dr. Daniels assured me, that she will get back to her old self, even though it will take a while, maybe months, maybe even years." Mac only nods at that. "Mac, are you really ok with this? I know you didn't quite have that in mind when we first talked about raising a child together." I don't know, it just seems strange.

Mac snuggles into my chest and automatically I pull her tighter to me with my arm to let her know I support her. "I like Mattie, Harm. She is a great kid and I admire what you did for her. After everything that's happened she needs someone like you in her life to grow into the good person I think she has the potential to be" I'm sensing a 'but' in there somewhere and tell her so.

She just shrugs. "I guess I never pictured you with a kid like that." Her voice has turned low, almost a whisper and it dawns on me what exactly bothers her about it. And what about me? Did I ever picture myself finishing to raise a teenager because her own parents were not capable? A child that was not my own? Truth is I didn't until Mattie walked into my life or rather I walked right into hers. "Neither did I… and then she came along and I couldn't help myself." I fall silent for a second to contemplate my next move. "But it doesn't change anything between you and me, you know."

I had always thought that I had made that point clear pretty well at the Admiral's dining out. She had told me about her medical condition and what it entailed and even though it had hit me hard, mostly for her sake, I tried to give her hope.

She turns around and leans back up to look at me. I'm at a loss of words once again and instead only trace her cheekbone wit my thumb. "As I told you last summer… to me all that matters is, that it happens between you and me. Everything else is beside the point."

She sits up completely and puts some distance between us but doesn't say anything for a while. There is a storm going on in her eyes and for a slight moment I'm afraid she's going to lash out at me again. But she doesn't. Instead she gives me a sad smile.

"I know you said that, Harm. And I appreciate the support." I'm sensing another 'but' in there, however, I don't push her. If she wants to talk about it, she has to do so on her own terms. Experience has taught me not to urge her too much in a situation like this. It will only backfire and get us nowhere. I opt for holding her close, offering the comfort and love she needs.

"I always wanted a family." Her voice is so soft I really have to concentrate to hear it properly. She doesn't look at me now. Instead, she stares at the feet that I have put on the coffee table to be comfortable. "And now it's not going to happen anymore."

I take her further into my arms and settle her against my chest as I lean back slightly into the cushions of the couch so she can settle onto my chest. "It will happen, Sarah." Not Mac. In moments like this she isn't Mac. She sighs audibly and I can hear the frustration as much as feel it in her tense shoulders.

"How can it happen, Harm? You haven't been there. The doctor at Bethesda didn't give me any hope. She said the possibility of me conceiving was less than five percent. That is pretty bad. And I'm not 20 anymore either… these things don't get easier with getting older and you know that as well as I do."

I do know that. I researched her condition on the internet for nights when I couldn't sleep after the Admiral's party. The thoughts of all the things I didn't have in my life came crushing down on me with Mac's words that night and they kept me up for weeks when I went by with little to no sleep at all. I would get home from the office and try to rest just to end up at my desk bend over my notebook and researching endless websites on Endometriosis. I even went as far as to ask a doctor I had once testify on a case for me to give me the outline of what is possible and what not. In a way I had been trying to nullify my own guilt in the situation. Sure, I knew her medical condition didn't and doesn't have anything to do with what I did or rather didn't do. But it cannot be denied, that Mac and I would long since have a happy family if not for both our mistakes in the past.

"Five percent is not the same as impossible." I try to keep my voice as low as she had hers. It's not a whisper, but I want it to be gentle. For the entire tough Marine persona, Sarah MacKenzie is a very vulnerable person and right now I don't want to scare her away. Not when we have become so close recently.

A slight humorless chuckle interrupts my thoughts. "Commander McCool said the same a while ago." I don't know who Commander McCool is. I once knew a Lieutenant Commander McCool, but she was a psychiatrist over at Bethesda when Jordan was still there. I don't guess it's the same person. McCool is probably Mac's gynecologist.

"And she was right, Sarah. Even if conceiving naturally is difficult for us…" I deliberately stress the 'us' in there to emphasize that she is not alone in this. I don't want her to ever be alone again. "… from what I learned during my research there are certain possibilities to have a baby and I'm not talking about adoption."

I let it hang in the air for a while. I once overheard her talking to Harriet when Harriet had decided to become a full time mother. And Mac had said something along the lines of wanting to feel the wonder of that kind of creation herself someday. That was only a few days before Chegwidden's dining out and her 'procedure' as she had called it that night.

"You seem to have given a lot of thought to this." Her voice is still gentle. I even suppose she knows all about what I just told her, after all she was the patient and this doctor McCool obviously talked to her about her possibilities. Still, somehow it is important to me to let her know I care enough about her wishes and dreams to look up her condition.

"I have!" And I did for years. There was a time when I wished time would move faster so the 5-year-deadline would come sooner. It's ironic really that she got the devastating news just as the deadline was actually almost up. It was the same week as A.J.'s 5th birthday.

I know that part of it is my fault. All along I knew that there could never be any other woman for me than the one I'm currently holding in my arms, but in the end it took a fucked up CIA mission and a bright headed 14-year-old to make me see that my life was empty without Sarah MacKenzie in it. And once I was finally there, she had moved on or at least it had seemed that way.

After all our talks the past few weeks I know that with Webb she only did what she had done with Brumby and the others before. She settled for the family at the expanse of love. And I know she loves me, loved me then and even though I was a coward all these years, I always hoped that Sarah MacKenzie was in love with me just as much as I was in love with her.

"And what was the conclusion of all your thinking?" I lean a bit further back so I can look at her directly rather than talk over the top of her head that is resting on my chest. "That I'm ready for whatever life will throw at you and me; that I want you beside me. You are my family, Sarah. And if we are supposed to have more than just each other, it will happen…I think that I want to try to have that baby we wanted six years ago. And if we don't get lucky the natural way, we can always try in-vitro fertilization."

On the net they had even talked about surrogacy and the like, but I would never willingly subject Mac to that. I know that for her having a baby comes with giving birth to him or her and if there is any way at all, I want that to be possible for her. She nods at that, but doesn't say anything.

"Did you talk to Dr. McCool about these possibilities?" She tenses up again and I think over the question to see if I asked anything wrong. "I did, but Dr McCool wasn't an expert on these things, they were only suggestions that I told her about because you had made them."

Wow, that has me confused. A gynecologist needs advice from a lawyer? That must be a new one for sure. My confusion must be evident on my expression because all of a sudden Mac frowns. "You think Dr McCool is my doctor?" Uh… well yeah. What else would he or she be?

"You remember when the Admiral made me see that psychiatrist at Bethesda to help me deal wit my PTSD?" I nod at that, still not making any connection. "I talked to Dr. McCool then." Why would Mac go to a gynecologist for PTSD? "Harm, Dr McCool is a psychiatrist!"

Oh. Well, that explains how I knew the name. Jordan used to talk about her sometimes. "I'm sorry, Mac. I'm slow!" She gives me a small, knowing grin that just says 'yeah, tell me something new'. "But you were right, we did talk about the possibilities you mentioned."

Mac is silent for a long moment after that. I'm sure she would be able to tell just exactly how long, but according to her my timing was always slightly off so I would never know how. "I had that appointment at Bethesda for my check-up and forgot to ask my gynecologist for a prescription of sleeping pills… so I went to the only other person that I knew there."

I move us back into our earlier position with her resting on my chest again because I believe it's easier for her to talk that way. And she goes right on. "The Commander was about to secure for the day when I popped my head into her office and she stayed to talk to me, because somehow she must have sensed that there was something seriously wrong about me. I only really asked her for the sleeping pills, but she made me all mad when she wanted to inquire the reasons for my insomnia."

How could I have ever missed this? I never knew about her not being able to sleep. Mac goes on telling me the story of how Commander McCool talked her into sharing her troubles and I can't quite help the feeling of being put on the sideline when my best friend was obviously in need of an ear that would listen and not judge.

When she tells me, that she had tried talking to me I finally put the pieces together. She must have had her appointment at Bethesda the day after she found Alicia at my apartment, the night I sent her away so I could spend a nice evening. "I'm sorry." I'm ashamed really. Once again I have failed her and that hurts more than it should.

"It's ok. You couldn't have known why I came. And it's not like we were on very good terms back then. Besides that, I had deliberately asked you to stay away from me. You had no way of knowing that I came to your place for help" Knowing that intellectually is one thing, but still, I feel like I should have been there. After all I had promised her that I would be whenever she needed me. And the first opportunity that presented itself, where I actually had to put my promise into action, I sent her away. God, no wonder we were so fucked up.

Mac doesn't say anything for a while. I feel like I should say something, anything, but I just don't know what. For the second time in our relationship have I told her I'd help and support her and for the second time I didn't keep my promise, even though I didn't know that I wasn't at the time. To think, that I've invited Alicia to my place for dinner because I had been lonely while Mac was working through her troubles herself… by her own choice, a voice inside my head reminds me, doesn't exactly boost my ego.

"I think in the end it was a good thing that you and I weren't able to talk that night. And I don't want you to take this personal, Harm" She leans back to look into my eyes when she feels me fidgeting underneath her. "Considering everything, I believe it was more helpful to talk to a professional stranger with a neutral position than talking about all this with you, because frankly… neither of us could be very objective and reasonable about any of it."

For a moment I feel like I just got a blow to my stomach. Mac prefers a shrink over me? "You remember when you saw your father everywhere because Palmer was impersonating him? I told you to talk to Jordan about it." I nod. She had sent me to my girlfriend rather than go through it with me herself.

"I didn't send you to Jordan because I didn't want to help, Harm. I also didn't do it because you were together with her and should have confided in her first… I did it because the lawyer in me knew that a professional was better at helping you with that than I ever could." Hmmm, I never quite saw it from that side.

"The Admiral sent me to see a shrink after I killed Sadik. You probably remember… I snapped at everyone around me, my behavior was unacceptable, even to me but no matter how much I tried to focus, whenever I opened my mouth, something scathing would come out and at the time I didn't even care when talking to my own CO."

She makes another pause and takes a couple deep breaths. "Chegwidden tried to counsel me, reminded me of my position and what it entailed, but it was as though my brain didn't register it at all. And after snapping at everybody for no reason, he practically dragged me to Bethesda and made me an appointment for counseling."

She goes on telling me about her unwillingness to go and about the fact that she made it very clear at the time, that she only visited with the psychiatrist because she was under orders to do so. It seems like she needs to get all of this off her chest and since I cannot really offer anything else, I just listen and encourage her wordlessly to go on when she doesn't say anything for a while.

I never really realized how much Paraguay had changed her. But the more she tells me, the more I have to admit that this particular incident changed us both … one way or another. And for her these changes were hard to accept. I can see now, why she lashed out at me rather than seeking comfort in my presence the way I wanted her to.

"And god, I don't know why I'm telling you any of this. How could you possibly want a woman who is so fucked up, an alcoholic and infertile washed up former Marine who has no self-respect whatsoever." At that she moves up and sits on the other side of the couch.

It takes me a moment to process what she just said and I can't believe her words. Sitting up too, I move over to her and wrap her into my arms, ignoring her resistance until she relaxes slightly.

"Sarah! I want you to listen to me. And listen well, because I don't want there to be any misunderstandings. I want you in my life, by my side for as long as I'm alive! And I don't want you despite your flaws and mistakes and whatever, but because of them. They made you the wonderful, caring woman I fell in love with!" I grab her chin with my right hand and turn her around so she can look at me. "And you are NOT fucked up. Yes, you are a FORMER alcoholic who's been dry for years and who has shown strength beyond all my imagination when you didn't take a drink over the whole Paraguay fiasco even though your boyfriend at the time was WELL on the way to become an alcoholic himself. And for the record, you are neither a washed-up Marine, nor are you infertile. You have a medical condition that makes parenting difficult, not impossible."

She averts her eyes but I quickly turn her face again. I want her to look at me, and I want her to see the truth of my words in my eyes and not just listen to them. "Mac, you are one hell of a lawyer and you will be a wonderful mother to any child that our love will create in the future. You are a wonderful role-model for Mattie when she comes to stay here and you've been an exemplary big sister to Chloe."

I kiss her temple to emphasize my points more. "If anything, I'm not worthy of you. I've never been worthy of you. I've hurt you so often. I left you behind to chase after a long lost dream, I dragged you into danger to follow a ridiculous idea that after almost 30 years I could find my father and bring him home. I hurt you beyond believe when you told me how you felt and then I spent the next two years acting the jealous coward that destroyed your chance at happiness in the end."

She looks at me bewildered but I'm on a roll. "I have so many regrets about you, so many lost opportunities…" She puts a finger to my lips to make me shut up and her finger is soon replaced by angry lips that kiss mine with an energy and fierceness that are enough to take my breath away. "Stop it! No more. You are talking about the man I love, you know!" It's more a statement then a question and it creates warmth inside my belly.

Her hands come up to my cheeks to frame them in much the same way mine are still framing hers. "I love you, Harm. And all the things you just enumerated… they are all part of why I fell in love with you. You have flaws like every other human being and they are what makes you, you. I didn't fall in love with the hot-shot pilot or the lawyer or the white fancy uniform with the gold wings. I fell in love with a passionate, honorable and extremely proud man who just happens to be all of the above!"

Again I'm at a loss of words. Ha, to think that I'm a lawyer and earn my money with my brilliant mouth. Pure irony I suppose. We sit there for what feels like eternity, neither of us moving, neither of us saying anything further. An air of acceptance settles over us. Acceptance of the facts that brought us to this moment and acceptance of the roles we played in creating these facts.

The strange thing is that I feel nothing standing between us for the first time since we got together. We've shared so many things recently, so many feelings and stories but never did silence feel as natural as it does now. Not even when we made love that night in my old apartment did I feel so content. Back then it was a strange combination of curiosity, lust, need and yes, lots of love.

But for all that, even in the most intimate situation I felt something holding me back, something that would keep me from giving myself over to her completely. Right now, I don't have that feeling at all. Mac settles herself on my chest and resumes the light stroking she always does when I hold her like that, only this time it starts doing things to me that it has never really done before.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK**

**2158 local**

I don't know what happened with us tonight. Ever since he first proposed to me in that rushed moment on our last night in Washington, about 12 hours before I was to board a plane to San Diego, there was some strange barrier between us that I was never quite able to put my finger on.

Since we finished our semi-talk earlier it seems to be gone and I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. How did we get this far tonight anyway?

Let's see… first Harm got home and practically dragged me out of the house to get me a new car and even though that was a reasonable and overdue thing to do, I did wonder why it had to be today. It dawned on me that there was another issue he was trying to soothe me for and when he jumped the news about Mattie on me I walked a thin line between cheering with him and smacking him up the head for thinking I would have trouble with the idea of the girl living with us, now that her arrival was not longer so far away.

I don't even know how we changed topics from Mattie towards our own desire to be parents. I like Mattie and I really want to get to love her the way he does. She is a great girl and yet… she will never be my own, she'll never have Harm's blue-grey eyes and my head… or vice versa.

The fact that I believe our own chances of that kind of miracle ever happening saddens me to no end. Sometimes I even have difficulties to enjoy my godchildren. I wish I could share Harm's enthusiasm about it all though. He is so very sure that everything will work out for us in the end. If I hadn't been such an emotional fuck-up we might already have that baby by now.

Talking to him felt good though. Actually it feels kind of like the good old times, when we were so close that we practically read each other's minds. I almost chuckle at the memory of back then. Lots of things have happened since… Harm's return to active flight status, not to mention the whole aftermath of Australia… god… what a waste. And I won't even get into Paraguay.

I trace lazy patterns on his chest as we lie there in contentment. The steady thumping of his heart and his even breathing soothe me and my sadness doesn't exactly fly out the window, but he makes it bearable. He always has.

It doesn't take long until I feel the beginning of an arousal at my hip and a quick look down confirms it. Harm is getting uncomfortable to say the least. But for the life of me, I can't find it in me to stop doing what I'm doing. And as long as he doesn't complain…

Harm has had that kind of reaction quite a number of times recently. Most of the time I felt bad about letting him suffer like this but he assured me only a couple days ago that he didn't think of it that way. Whenever it happened in the last couple days and weeks, he shrugged it off as a normal reaction to being close to me. Once he even admitted that it was disturbing him that his body would always react that way, even when it was not at all welcomed or appropriate, like when we were talking through all the shit that went on in our lives.

Tonight though, the feeling of him pressed against me like this gives me some pride. It's me who does this to him, not some blonde stupid bimbo or other. Not to mention, that his closeness, his scent and the sheer heat of his body do things to my own system that I find rather pleasant at the moment.

I lean up towards him to capture his lips in a light kiss and he responds to it like he always does. That's another thing I've realized… our kissing sessions have become more and more heated and this one is no differed and boy why am I even thinking about this.

Harm tilts his head back to move the pad of his thumb over my lips, tracing them lightly as if he was committing them to memory. I'm almost in trance from the overwhelming feeling that has settled into the pit of my stomach and has created warmth of its own there. It's so easy to fall and drown in this man.

He moves his lips over my cheeks and forehead, lightly brushing them over my skin, never lingering for long and I close my eyes against the onslaught of emotion and something else that washes over me.

I move his head around with my hand and guide him to my own lips once more, needing the contact and he complies happily. My lips part for him and he sweeps his tongue into my mouth, dueling with mine in a fervent battle of heat. There's another heat building up in my own core and it becomes unbearable fast and I press him further into the couch to increase contact between our bodies. I need more, always more.

My hands move from his chest to his abdomen, which is still as tight and muscled as I imagined it when I first met him all those years ago. But it's not enough. His shirt is in my way and I almost yank it up so I can get to his skin, feeling his heat even more and it's almost burning me.

I hear a groan that comes from low in the throat and even if they put me under oath I wouldn't be able to state whether it comes from him or me. His mouth moves all over me and he's no less desperate and demanding than me. It almost feels like he cannot live without me and I certainly know the feeling 'cause I can't live without him anymore. Not after all the things we've shared already.

I'm drowning in the happiness and pleasure I find in his arms and I need him to breathe. I know he needs me just as badly. There has always been a slow burn between us, simmering inside me ever since our kiss on the Admiral's porch but now it has started boiling at full blast and there is nothing I can do about it. I need him like I haven't needed anybody before in my life and I can't wait any longer to close this final bridge for good. We crossed it our last night in Washington, just to back off and for good reason too. But tonight there is nothing going to hold me back, nothing that will keep me from experiencing everything I've ever wanted with this man, and this man alone.

I draw my lips and tongue up his jaw line towards his earlobe and I take it between my lips to suckle and then give it a small bite. Lying on the couch like this is pretty convenient too, come to think of it. I can reach him perfectly wherever I want and he doesn't disappoint me either.

Harm's hand has moved from my face toward my back and my shirt is almost all the way up to my arms, his hand moving frantically over my back, causing even more fires to burn on my body.

He draws the shirt up further and I finally have to give in and leave his ear so he can yank the offending fabric over my head and toss it somewhere. My bra follows right after and before I can lean down again, he leans up so he can gaze at what is now before him. And like last time, I can tell that he likes what he sees.

The hand that comes up to touch the swell of my breasts is almost unsure and rather than kneading my flesh, he traces his fingers over one breast then the other, before lightly touching the pads of his thumbs to my nipples which are already hard and peeking out.

I almost loose my mind when I feel him moving in to capture my left nipple with his mouth, swirling his tongue around it in an adoration so slow, I have to close my eyes. I hear another moan and I'm pretty sure it came from me this time and my breath hitches when I think about what that mouth can do on other places on my body.

He moves from one breast to the other, paying it the same attention as the other, lavishing and touching it equally. His warm wetness almost makes me feel like he is worshipping me that way and god I can't take much more of this slow torture.

I draw his shirt up his chest so I can discard it too and I can only marvel at what appears in front of me. Sure I've seen him without a shirt countless times now, but still... I can finally touch him _there_ the way I want to and that is almost as sensual as when he touched me like that earlier.

But touching his chest is not enough, not nearly enough. My lips lower to his pecs and he draws in a harsh breath when I make contact with one of his nipples that already stand at attention, waiting to be touched and licked. The taste of his skin will never cease to amaze me, the saltiness of it and the musky scent that is only him and him alone. Who cares for aftershave if the real thing smells and tastes so much better.

Harm begins to really writhe underneath me when my left hand travels down his abs and the small trail of hair toward the waistband of his jeans. I feel his abs contract under my touch and when I finally close my hand over the hardness that strains against his fly, he pulls me up and roughly claims my mouth in another searing kiss that leaves both of us breathless and wanting more, wanting it all.

I open my eyes when we finally have to stop kissing because we are out of breath and I see the question in his eyes. "Yes!" is all I say and he understands. I don't want to wait any longer, I can't bear waiting anymore. I need him to be mine tonight.

My hand goes back to the front of his jeans and if possible, he becomes even harder under my touch. If I thought I couldn't breathe before, now I've become desperate for air and for whatever reason I don't give a damn.

He watches me intently as I open each button on his fly and I suppose he hates himself for wearing button-flys rather than a pair with zippers and even though I'm kind of in a hurry to free him to my touch, I also enjoy the agony on his face that comes with it. He is holding onto his control but I'll make him loose it, I know I can.

Only, I find that I myself cannot bear the slowdown that comes with all these buttons and the sound of each one of them popping free is almost painful for both of us. I'm glad he doesn't decide to stop this like he has so often recently.

Finally the last button pops out of its hole and I reach inside to get closer to my goal. He isn't wearing his boxers tonight. Rather he opted for some snug retro-pants thing that must be even more uncomfortable. To hell with it all. I sit up and move the jeans along with his underwear off his hips, careful not to hurt him in this state and motioning for him to raise up so I can put this to an end.

I've seen him before, but tonight is so amazing. The first time we did this we both knew that we shouldn't. That it wasn't the time. I know I'm just boosting his ego by admiring him so openly, but when I look up into his eyes I don't see any cockiness at all. Instead there is a deep insecurity etched into his lines that almost breaks my heart. Could it be really possible, that Harmon Rabb feels insufficient?

I give him a warm smile which he returns after a moment, but some of the shyness stays in his eyes nevertheless. I try to get up so I can climb out of my own pants and undies, but he stops me with his hand and instead drags me back on top of him where he presumes kissing me.

The slow and sensuous kisses continue for what feels like ages before he moves down to claim my breasts once again. When he lifts his head to look at me watching him, his expressive eyes are full of admiration and love and yes, just a little shyness that almost makes me laugh because it seems to be so out of character for him.

I kind of feel that he is at a disadvantage, considering he is all naked by now while I still wear my pants, but that's his fault. I don't have to wait long before his fingers move to the top button on my jeans and the sound of the button being released is almost deafening in this silence.

He opens the fly and when the tips of his fingers skim just under the waistband of my panties I can't contain the shiver his touch elicits. His head jerks up so he can look at me. "Ok?" This man is so frustrating. Of course it is ok. I'm going crazy from wanting his fingers on my skin by now. I take his hand and put it back to where it was a second ago, encouraging him to go on with his task.

But his fingers resume their slight, sensual touching of my ribcage and stomach instead. "We should move this as long as we can." He murmurs while once again worshipping the place between my breasts.

I get up and reach out my hand. He too, moves off the couch and again I loose the battle against my own power and draw him in for a kiss and once again we are engaged in a hungry session that leaves both of us panting heavily. "Please, Sarah. I can't stop for much longer and I want our first time to be on a real bed."

His hands stroke up and down my sides, brushing my breasts only slightly. I grin at his comment. "Our first time was on a real bed, Captain!" But he isn't in the mood to joke. He kisses my fingers, his eyes all serious. "Not like this, Sarah!" he whispers before leaning in for another kiss.

He takes my hand and leads me up the stairs. In another point in time it might have embarrassed me to walk around the house stark naked, but somehow I don't care with this man. All that counts is that we are here, together, finally indulging into our needs and wants. And god, I want him so bad I ache all over.

We reach our new bed and Harm licks his bottom lip, while his eyes obviously cannot decide where to go. I decide for him by stepping close to him, brushing against him in all the right places. I can feel his erection press insistently against my flesh and I want to feel it inside of me. I need to feel it.

He spins me around in his arms and I'm glad we are already up here, because I can't take it any longer. I need him right now. He seems to feel it too, because we both fall onto the bed hard, me wrapped in his strong arms. Harm lowers me onto my back and I sigh at the wonderful feeling of his weight on top of me, his coarse hair lightly brushing my erected nipples.

I feel his hard length against my wet folds and I move up my hips to increase the stimulation for both of us, hoping to encourage him to move forward. And just when did I get so horribly aroused? I don't need any foreplay, we can always play around later, 'cause this is just not going to wait any longer.

He asks me again if I'm sure and I want to smack some sense into him. I'm naked and ready and sprawled out under him and he asks me for what feels like the millionth time if I'm ready. I buck my hips against him to make him see just how sure I am. I want him to fill me and if he doesn't move it soon, I'm going to writhe underneath him and resort to begging if that is what it takes.

But I don't have to. He nudges into me slowly and I feel his length stretching me to accommodate him as I wrap my legs around his waist to get even closer to him. I know the exact moment when he is completely inside me and I feel like I'm complete in a way I've never been before. The emotions flowing through me are so intense, I almost start crying.

He starts moving inside of me and our eyes lock, neither of us willing or able to look away. He moves slowly at first and a small smile crosses his face. I can feel an answering smile in my own expression. Every emotion that has built up between us in the last few weeks comes together and I place a hand on his cheek to let him know I too feel what I can read in his eyes.

I can feel his heartbeat as he thrusts faster and harder and I have to slip my hand between us to touch myself, increasing my own arousal. I want him to find his release in me and I'm not far away from my own now. My hand brushes against him and he gasps.

"Sarah, oh God…" he moans against my throat as he leans closer again to claim my mouth once more. By now we are both covered in a fine layer of sweat and I could care less. "Are you close?" he asks, barely able to utter the few words.

I was already close without touching myself. Just thinking about what we are finally doing together is enough to bring me to the edge. But him filling me the way he does, I'm at the brink to pure ecstasy. I fight the urge to blink, and I can see that he does too, simply so neither of us would miss any of this.

I haven't got the first idea what time it is. He has once again thrown over my internal clock. "Sarah?" he grunts again and I can hear that he is as close as I am. One last thrust and I'm there, calling his name as I ride through my release and even though we are in our bedroom, I feel like I just started flying.

His movements become slower and more languid as he too rides out the waves of his own orgasm and I feel how the waves of his warmth flood my insides. He fills me in that one way that was left to complete my life, like he filled so many other parts of it.

Harm turns us around so I'm on top with my head resting on his shoulder. I can hear the heartbeat again and I just enjoy being close to him like this, because it feels so right.

Once my breath is on a normal rate again, I prop myself up and brush his soft hair out of his face. "I love you!" His hand comes up to my cheek and he leans up to capture my lips with his in a gentle kiss. "And I love you!". Simple as that. It's all I ever needed to hear from him and I know his words are true. It's so easy to realize that it was true all along, now… so many moments between us, so many gestures and touches. But I ignored all of them in favor of having him say the three little words he had such a hard time expressing. And I ran like the chicken I am when I didn't hear them in the past.

My own words to Mattie echo in my head… Harm really does express his feelings in gestures and not in words. But that he is finally able to say them makes me feel even warmer inside, because I know he doesn't use these words lightly.

I'm barely aware that he twists underneath me before he covers us up with the light summer sheet and it doesn't take long before I hear his own breathing even out. Finally I allow sleep to capture me too and nothing in the world can bother me at this moment. 


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK**

**0859 local**

Boy am I glad today is Saturday. The last couple days went by like crazy with both of us working long hours at the office since a friendly fire incident caused both international and diplomatic issues between the US and Britain. Top that off with putting Mattie's room in shape and it makes for an awfully long week.

I look over at Mac who lies on her back; one arm flung over her head the other resting on her tummy. I'll never cease to admire this woman. The way her hand sits on her abdomen saddens me. I can't help but wonder and hope that there already is a tiny new life in there, growing and waiting to be found out about. I know it's unlikely with Mac's condition, but I hope for her, that our possibilities are not exploited yet and that we still have that chance.

God knows I'd love her no less if it were to be, that it would be just the two of us for the rest of our lives. The idea of a little boy or girl with her looks or mine is intriguing. I've always pictured myself lying next to her in bed, listening to tiny feet scrambling towards our bedroom to get a Sunday morning cuddle. But I've learned the hard way that we can't have everything we want in life and that we need to make adjustments to accommodate that fact.

She stirs and I can see she isn't far from waking up. I lean down and brush my lips across her breast, tasting her again like the hungry man I am. I honestly don't know how I lived without this for so long and kept my sanity halfway intact. Nibbling her is all I need, fuck breakfast and lunch and I'm not even going to think about dinner.

Sarah's hand comes to the back of my head, drawing even closer to her already erect nipples and I thankfully engulf them in my mouth and suckle lightly, knowing it drives her completely nuts. I feel the beginnings of an arousal in my own body and God help me; I shouldn't after the night we just shared.

After finally crossing the final border of our relationship and indulging into our desires and needs we woke each other up three more times and every time it just got better and better, while we learned each others bodies.

I reach down with my free hand and find her core, as ready for me as she can ever be and I can't resist slipping a finger inside that heat which earns me a deep groan while Sarah tries to arch herself into both my hand and my mouth, trying to increase the stimulation.

I almost sigh as I move my lips and tongue lower toward my destination, pausing at her navel and loving that too. Sarah arches her back into my still thrusting fingers but I slow them down, not wanting this to end soon. I want this to last.

She screams my name, pleading me to move faster but I hold my position and she protests when I finally withdraw my fingers from within her. Instead I gently spread her thighs wider to accommodate me and then I move her folds apart so I can lean in to taste her.

From my own throbbing arousal one could come to the conclusion that I get more pleasure out of this than she does, but if her sighs and screams are any indication that's a false assumption.

"Please… Harm…" I release her throbbing bud for a second and my voice sounds rough even to my own ears. "What do you want?" I know she's aching for me, just as much as I ache for her, but I want her to come like this, I want to see her passion filled face when she goes over the cliff.

For a second I think she's so far gone in her passion that she doesn't even hear my question but her heavy lids lift to reveal her beautiful brown eyes and she puts my free hand on her breast, showing me what she likes there.

I caress her breast tenderly, with almost feather light touches, while my other hand resumes the slow torture between her thighs. One of her hands comes up to her other breast and she starts touching herself. And boy is that an erotic sight. It turns me on beyond anything and I just can't believe that I'm getting even harder just from watching it.

By now I'm leaking precum but I don't care. I'm totally content in watching her pleasure. I twist my fingers inside her just the right way and she screams out my name. I let her regain some of her breath, before I skim my fingers right over that special spot inside her again, finalizing what I've started and pushing her over the edge. Her inner walls contract around my fingers, and even though I know I need to wait a little while before we can go on, I want to be inside her badly, experiencing her contractions around me while I give her everything I have.

For a moment there I think she slipped into unconsciousness, but then her eyes open and her unfocused gaze finds me. I can see she is still floating, mostly because my fingers still stroke her lightly, trying to draw it out for her.

"You are amazing!" Is all she says before tugging me back up to her for a kiss. I support myself on my forearms and give in to her need, kissing her for all I'm worth, our tongues dueling and it's all I can do not to enter her and pound her into the mattress.

I feel her hand sneaking down my backside, while she pushes up into me, indicating what she wants, but I want to tease her just a little longer. "Please" is all she utters between kisses and before I realize what her intentions are, she grabs me from behind and guides me into her slick core and I'm home. I hope it will never cease to amaze me how at home I feel when we are joined like this.

Thought seems to leave me fast and I act on pure instinct. Moving slowly in and out of her I need to clamp down on my need to go faster and harder, but I don't want to hurt her. She wraps her legs around my waist to draw me in even deeper and then starts to meet me thrust for thrust, harder each time, until our bodies start making these slapping noise but I don't give a damn right now. If she wants it like that, who am I to deny her?

It doesn't take long before I can feel the tell tale signs that she is as close as I am, but I'm not yet willing to surrender. I want this to last as long as possible for both of us, so I slow down to the agonizing sweetness I started out with, earning a frustrated growl from Sarah as a response.

I thrust into her a couple more times, but I know I'm not going to last much longer, my own eruption is close and I want her there with me, so I reach between us and find her swollen bud with ease, rubbing it with just the right amount of pressure and it doesn't take long before she screams my name yet again, clutching onto my back with all her power, convulsing around my aching shaft and sending me over the edge with her. I empty myself into her and it feels like I have spent years without any release, rather than a night already filled wit lots of passion.

I can't hold myself up much longer and want to collapse down next to her, but instead she turns us around so I'm on my back with her straddling me. "Baby, I don't think I've got another round in me at the moment."

That earns me her devilish grin, but she snuggles onto my chest until she's comfortable, our bodies still joined intimately. "I just don't want you to leave yet. I need to feel you a little longer." Who am I to complain?

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK**

**1004 local**

I wake up, snuggled on Harm's chest, his limp member has slipped out sometime between earlier and now, and someone has pulled a blanket over both of us. I trace the planes of his muscular chest and smile at the coarse hair he sports. Webb had had the tendency to shave… not that there were all that many to begin with.

I mentally shake my head. That man has no business in our bed anymore. Harm makes a pretty good pillow, but I knew that before. All these countless times when I found myself asleep on his chest during various flights. Somehow, it feels like he and I have been in a relationship all these years, we only added the sex recently and it feels so right I cannot even find the proper words for it. Intimacy would be wrong… we've always been intimate, just not physically. Harm knows things about me, that nobody else does, not even Mic and I had planned on marrying that one.

Harm has always been there for me, one way or another and even when our jobs and our other obligations prevented him from being by my side, I always had his support... even when I didn't deserve or wanted it.

I feel him stirring underneath me and I lift my head slightly to look down on him, leaning in for a quick kiss. I don't think I have it in me to go at it yet again, and even though I can feel his half hard member on my stomach, I don't think he can either.

"Hey there." I give him a smile and he returns it. "Hmmm, a guy could get used to waking up like that." So could a girl. I want to tease him, but my stomach decides it's time to rumble and Harm starts chuckling underneath me. "My Marine… always hungry. I guess I better feed you then, huh?"

"Well, someone put me through quite a workout recently!" He gives me a sheepish grin. "And I remember someone who was very willing to participate in said workout." Hmmm, he's got a point there.

"Ok, should we take a shower before breakfast?" Even though we took one last night, I still feel sticky from our earlier encounter and some refreshment would do wonders to me. "We probably should. But if we go in together, we'll never make it to the kitchen and even though I hate to admit it, I need some energy." With that he gives me a small kiss, peels himself out from under me and puts on his boxers to head into the kitchen. Wow, I've really trained him well. He doesn't even try to suggest I start breakfast.

Harm amazes me with a full breakfast, complete with orange juice, cereals, pancakes and even peanut butter and fresh bread rolls. "So, Sailor. Care to work off some of these calories later?" I enjoy him squirm in his seat as he tries to ponder my question and his appropriate answer.

Is he blushing? I can barely keep a chuckle in check, but I manage… just. "Uh…, Mac… I… I mean… I don't do this…" he gestures between him and me "on … well, on command." And now I burst out laughing. His face turns from embarrassed to confused and I laugh even harder. Men can be so damn clueless sometimes.

"Harm, I'm not talking about the horizontal sports we've been engaging in recently. I actually thought we could go on an old fashioned run together. We haven't since we moved into the house." Not that we didn't have enough running to do to get the job done. "If you feel up to it… I mean at your age…" I don't get any further before he practically jumps over the table to tickle me mercilessly. "You are so on, Marine!" I pant once he lets me go. We'll see about that.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK**

**0859 local**

Boy am I glad today is Saturday. The last couple days went by like crazy with both of us working long hours at the office since a friendly fire incident caused both international and diplomatic issues between the US and Britain. Top that off with putting Mattie's room in shape and it makes for an awfully long week.

I look over at Mac who lies on her back; one arm flung over her head the other resting on her tummy. I'll never cease to admire this woman. The way her hand sits on her abdomen saddens me. I can't help but wonder and hope that there already is a tiny new life in there, growing and waiting to be found out about. I know it's unlikely with Mac's condition, but I hope for her, that our possibilities are not exploited yet and that we still have that chance.

God knows I'd love her no less if it were to be, that it would be just the two of us for the rest of our lives. The idea of a little boy or girl with her looks or mine is intriguing. I've always pictured myself lying next to her in bed, listening to tiny feet scrambling towards our bedroom to get a Sunday morning cuddle. But I've learned the hard way that we can't have everything we want in life and that we need to make adjustments to accommodate that fact.

She stirs and I can see she isn't far from waking up. I lean down and brush my lips across her breast, tasting her again like the hungry man I am. I honestly don't know how I lived without this for so long and kept my sanity halfway intact. Nibbling her is all I need, fuck breakfast and lunch and I'm not even going to think about dinner.

Sarah's hand comes to the back of my head, drawing even closer to her already erect nipples and I thankfully engulf them in my mouth and suckle lightly, knowing it drives her completely nuts. I feel the beginnings of an arousal in my own body and God help me; I shouldn't after the night we just shared.

After finally crossing the final border of our relationship and indulging into our desires and needs we woke each other up three more times and every time it just got better and better, while we learned each others bodies.

I reach down with my free hand and find her core, as ready for me as she can ever be and I can't resist slipping a finger inside that heat which earns me a deep groan while Sarah tries to arch herself into both my hand and my mouth, trying to increase the stimulation.

I almost sigh as I move my lips and tongue lower toward my destination, pausing at her navel and loving that too. Sarah arches her back into my still thrusting fingers but I slow them down, not wanting this to end soon. I want this to last.

She screams my name, pleading me to move faster but I hold my position and she protests when I finally withdraw my fingers from within her. Instead I gently spread her thighs wider to accommodate me and then I move her folds apart so I can lean in to taste her.

From my own throbbing arousal one could come to the conclusion that I get more pleasure out of this than she does, but if her sighs and screams are any indication that's a false assumption.

"Please… Harm…" I release her throbbing bud for a second and my voice sounds rough even to my own ears. "What do you want?" I know she's aching for me, just as much as I ache for her, but I want her to come like this, I want to see her passion filled face when she goes over the cliff.

For a second I think she's so far gone in her passion that she doesn't even hear my question but her heavy lids lift to reveal her beautiful brown eyes and she puts my free hand on her breast, showing me what she likes there.

I caress her breast tenderly, with almost feather light touches, while my other hand resumes the slow torture between her thighs. One of her hands comes up to her other breast and she starts touching herself. And boy is that an erotic sight. It turns me on beyond anything and I just can't believe that I'm getting even harder just from watching it.

By now I'm leaking precum but I don't care. I'm totally content in watching her pleasure. I twist my fingers inside her just the right way and she screams out my name. I let her regain some of her breath, before I skim my fingers right over that special spot inside her again, finalizing what I've started and pushing her over the edge. Her inner walls contract around my fingers, and even though I know I need to wait a little while before we can go on, I want to be inside her badly, experiencing her contractions around me while I give her everything I have.

For a moment there I think she slipped into unconsciousness, but then her eyes open and her unfocused gaze finds me. I can see she is still floating, mostly because my fingers still stroke her lightly, trying to draw it out for her.

"You are amazing!" Is all she says before tugging me back up to her for a kiss. I support myself on my forearms and give in to her need, kissing her for all I'm worth, our tongues dueling and it's all I can do not to enter her and pound her into the mattress.

I feel her hand sneaking down my backside, while she pushes up into me, indicating what she wants, but I want to tease her just a little longer. "Please" is all she utters between kisses and before I realize what her intentions are, she grabs me from behind and guides me into her slick core and I'm home. I hope it will never cease to amaze me how at home I feel when we are joined like this.

Thought seems to leave me fast and I act on pure instinct. Moving slowly in and out of her I need to clamp down on my need to go faster and harder, but I don't want to hurt her. She wraps her legs around my waist to draw me in even deeper and then starts to meet me thrust for thrust, harder each time, until our bodies start making these slapping noise but I don't give a damn right now. If she wants it like that, who am I to deny her?

It doesn't take long before I can feel the tell tale signs that she is as close as I am, but I'm not yet willing to surrender. I want this to last as long as possible for both of us, so I slow down to the agonizing sweetness I started out with, earning a frustrated growl from Sarah as a response.

I thrust into her a couple more times, but I know I'm not going to last much longer, my own eruption is close and I want her there with me, so I reach between us and find her swollen bud with ease, rubbing it with just the right amount of pressure and it doesn't take long before she screams my name yet again, clutching onto my back with all her power, convulsing around my aching shaft and sending me over the edge with her. I empty myself into her and it feels like I have spent years without any release, rather than a night already filled wit lots of passion.

I can't hold myself up much longer and want to collapse down next to her, but instead she turns us around so I'm on my back with her straddling me. "Baby, I don't think I've got another round in me at the moment."

That earns me her devilish grin, but she snuggles onto my chest until she's comfortable, our bodies still joined intimately. "I just don't want you to leave yet. I need to feel you a little longer." Who am I to complain?

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK**

**1004 local**

I wake up, snuggled on Harm's chest, his limp member has slipped out sometime between earlier and now, and someone has pulled a blanket over both of us. I trace the planes of his muscular chest and smile at the coarse hair he sports. Webb had had the tendency to shave… not that there were all that many to begin with.

I mentally shake my head. That man has no business in our bed anymore. Harm makes a pretty good pillow, but I knew that before. All these countless times when I found myself asleep on his chest during various flights. Somehow, it feels like he and I have been in a relationship all these years, we only added the sex recently and it feels so right I cannot even find the proper words for it. Intimacy would be wrong… we've always been intimate, just not physically. Harm knows things about me, that nobody else does, not even Mic and I had planned on marrying that one.

Harm has always been there for me, one way or another and even when our jobs and our other obligations prevented him from being by my side, I always had his support... even when I didn't deserve or wanted it.

I feel him stirring underneath me and I lift my head slightly to look down on him, leaning in for a quick kiss. I don't think I have it in me to go at it yet again, and even though I can feel his half hard member on my stomach, I don't think he can either.

"Hey there." I give him a smile and he returns it. "Hmmm, a guy could get used to waking up like that." So could a girl. I want to tease him, but my stomach decides it's time to rumble and Harm starts chuckling underneath me. "My Marine… always hungry. I guess I better feed you then, huh?"

"Well, someone put me through quite a workout recently!" He gives me a sheepish grin. "And I remember someone who was very willing to participate in said workout." Hmmm, he's got a point there.

"Ok, should we take a shower before breakfast?" Even though we took one last night, I still feel sticky from our earlier encounter and some refreshment would do wonders to me. "We probably should. But if we go in together, we'll never make it to the kitchen and even though I hate to admit it, I need some energy." With that he gives me a small kiss, peels himself out from under me and puts on his boxers to head into the kitchen. Wow, I've really trained him well. He doesn't even try to suggest I start breakfast.

Harm amazes me with a full breakfast, complete with orange juice, cereals, pancakes and even peanut butter and fresh bread rolls. "So, Sailor. Care to work off some of these calories later?" I enjoy him squirm in his seat as he tries to ponder my question and his appropriate answer.

Is he blushing? I can barely keep a chuckle in check, but I manage… just. "Uh…, Mac… I… I mean… I don't do this…" he gestures between him and me "on … well, on command." And now I burst out laughing. His face turns from embarrassed to confused and I laugh even harder. Men can be so damn clueless sometimes.

"Harm, I'm not talking about the horizontal sports we've been engaging in recently. I actually thought we could go on an old fashioned run together. We haven't since we moved into the house." Not that we didn't have enough running to do to get the job done. "If you feel up to it… I mean at your age…" I don't get any further before he practically jumps over the table to tickle me mercilessly. "You are so on, Marine!" I pant once he lets me go. We'll see about that.

**Beckton District Park South**

**London, UK**

**1112 local**

I finally catch up with him at the end of the track we agreed on. I must say, considering his age, he gave me quite a run for my money. I knew he is still fit but boy am I out of breath. Must have been his strategy… lull me into a comfortable jog and then speed up on the last two miles.

"Nice save, Harm." He reaches for my hand and takes it, taking my acknowledgement with a smile. Still the cocky flyboy grin he used to sport whenever he won against me, be it in court or on the track. "You, too."

I'm surprised when he leans over for a small kiss, though we don't engage into it. We are both not the people for big public kissing sessions or anything like that. We aren't teenagers after all. Though I like the fact, that he feels comfortable enough with me to show his affections like this.

We fall into a comfortable jog for our way back to the house and when I feel him comfortably next to me, falling into step with me, I look over at him for a second, pondering my chances.

"Last one prepares dinner!" I say and put every ounce of power into my run, making sure I'd have a head start which I could use for an advantage. He has the longer legs after all. And boy does that man have stamina. I almost giggle at that thought, but I need my breath if I want to reach our home before him.

I almost fall into a dance when my feet hit our front steps before his and I can't help but grin at the slight annoyance in his features. I wink at him "Gotcha!". I may not be a Marine on paper any longer or wearing a uniform, but I sure am one in every other way that counts… and Marines are competitive.

Harm just rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue at me. "Careful with that, you are going to need it in the future." I almost burst into laughter when he blushes once more. I could pass it off, but I wouldn't be me if I did… besides this is just so much fun. "Harmon Rabb, you ARE a dirty old man. For heaven's sake, you are a lawyer… you know, those people who earn their money by their brilliant tongue and all that!"

With that I turn around and leave him standing on the front steps. I make a beeline to the bathroom not even bothering with my sweaty clothes before I'm inside. Harm moves to the kitchen first, probably replenishing his water reserves or something. Squids and water… never ending love story.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1115 local**

Sneaky little Marine. Always has to be first at everything. If there's no competition, it equals no fun. I chuckle at Mac's attempt to outrun me and I mentally kick myself for believing she would accept her well deserved defeat like a true sport.

'Well Rabb, it's not like you didn't enjoy the view' a voice inside my head says and I grin at myself. I need to stop doing that or people will think I've lost it for good. I just hope Mac gets done soon with her showering before I catch a cold or anything. But first things first, I need some water, desperately.

Just as I try to open the cap on the bottle, the bell goes off and I frown. It's not like we're expecting anybody today, but who knows, maybe Harriet had one of her bright ideas again and they pop by to challenge us to a day at the park.

I almost drop my bottle when I realize who exactly just rang the bell. Damn! Did I forget something? I look over to my shoulder toward where the bathroom is, knowing it's kind of fruitless, since Mac can neither see nor hear me.

Steeling myself for what is to come I put on my bravest face and open the door. "Mum!" I greet my mother with a big hug and practically drag her inside the house. No need for the neighborhood to hear that I get chewed out by my mother. And she will… I'm pretty sure on that.

"Harm, it's sooo good to see you. How are you?" I bend down bravely and kiss her cheek, hugging her a second time. "I'm great mom. How about you? I didn't know you were coming?" I cross my fingers, hoping she doesn't hear the slight panic in my voice… I know it's there, even I can hear it.

Surprisingly mum doesn't comment. Not on my voice anyway. "Urgh, young man! Why don't you go and take a shower? You smell like… well, mum's don't say that in bright daylight." I roll my eyes at her and my instinct tells me to protest, but then I remember that going for a shower would give me the perfect opportunity to talk to Mac before the impeding massacre can start.

This is not going to go over well.

I sneak into the bathroom and chuck my clothes. Mac turns around and watches me, grinning like a hawk. "Well, someone decided to join me?" I climb into the tub next to her and take the shower gel to rub her back.

"Don't start to yell or anything, but we do have a visitor." Good idea to keep this easy…for as long as possible. Mac turns around and frowns. "Who is it?" I raise my eyebrow and she does the same, clearly expecting me to spill it and fast.

"My mom" I mumble under my breath and Mac's expression chances from 'oh, my god!' to 'so what!'. I feel the blush creeping into my cheeks. Damn it. Why can't things ever go after my plan? "I… uh…!" Great, Rabb. Really articulate. "Harm, she's your mom. What's the big problem?"

"Well… I didn't expect her to come unannounced." Mac doesn't understand, which isn't surprising because there really isn't an excuse for this situation. She simply gives me her strange look and moves her hand in an impatient gesture for me to spill it already.

I close my eyes and try the 'rush-it-all-out-at-once' method.

"Shedoesn'tknowwe'regettingmarried" I squeeze my eyes closer still and wait for the inevitable outburst or slap or both. But instead I'm only met by silence. Never before has water coming out of a shower head been so loud.

I slowly open my eyes and look at Mac who looks at me with something between hurt and shock and even anger. I'm mentally kicking myself. I've done it again. I've blown it one more time. Reaching out to her I try to bring her closer, knowing it's a vain attempt. I'm still waiting for the shouting to start.

"You come in here, and tell me, that you still haven't told your mother anything after all these weeks?" In a way I would have preferred the shouting over her deathly glare and her hissing tone.

"Sarah, I'm…" But she doesn't let me finish. "Don't you dare say you're sorry, Harm!" With that she grabs her towel forcefully and almost pushes me out of the way to get out of the shower stall.

I need to react and fast, before she storms the beach. I jump out of the shower and grab my own towel, just in case. "Sarah…Mac!" She doesn't turn around and instead stuffs her wet strands into another towel. Helpless with my words, I reach out and forcefully turn her around.

I suppose I should consider myself lucky that she doesn't punch me, and instead settles for jerking herself loose. "Don't 'Sarah' me, Harm." I don't even know why she's so angry, she hasn't told her uncle either.

"Mac…" but she doesn't let me finish. "What is it Harm? Were you waiting if everything worked out before telling her? Or were you going to keep me your dirty little secret until the wedding invitations were shipped out?" I grab her shoulders again and shake her to maker her look at me, but I shouldn't have. Her eyes are like bolts of lightning being fired off in my direction.

"Mac! Listen to me, please" begging is a good idea. Worked quite well in the past, too. She huffs in frustration and anger, but doesn't try to shake me off again and I suppose that's going to be the best opening I'll get. "I never meant to keep you a secret. All our friends know about us. Think about it!"

I can see the anger in her ebbing, though it's not completely gone. "Sarah, all I ever wanted was you. I have no reason to keep our relationship in the darks. I just didn't think it appropriate to tell my mum over the phone." And this is not just an excuse. I had really thought about giving her a call and had decided against it in the end.

Mac turns around and starts to towel off her hair. "So what now?" She's still angry… or is it just sadness? Frustration? I don't know. "Well… I'm pretty surprised that she's here, but I think I want to tell her as soon as possible. She will want to give Frank a call, too."

I can't really read her at this moment, but I think some of her anger has disappeared. "I still cannot believe you haven't even told her about us, even if you kept our wedding plans under wraps." There isn't so much anger in her voice but rather disappointment and I want to kick myself for that.

"I'm sorry about that." And I am. "In all honesty it never really occurred to me that I should call my mum and tell her. And besides, it's not like you have told your uncle that you even left the Corps, much less that you moved all the way to London with me." Sometimes it's good to remind her, that she isn't always perfect either.

Her eyes come up and just before the fireballs coming from them hit me, I realize I've just stepped into another minefield.

"For your information, I gave my uncle a call and told him about us and everything weeks ago." She never told me that. Should I be angry too?

For a second I want to tell her, that I'm not comfortable with the fact that she kept this from me, but I decide against it. It wouldn't help our current situation at all and we haven't ever talked about telling our families. Sure, she doesn't have much of a family, but still, I would have liked to know what her uncle had to say to the news.

"Look, Mac" I take her by her shoulders and tilt her head up so she looks at me. "I'm really sorry for this. I would like you to be there when I tell my mom, but if you prefer not to, I can understand. I just want you to know that I don't have any second thoughts about us."

She looks at me in that hurt way she has that makes me feel like such a jerk. I hate it when I bring on that look in her. Nevertheless she seems to accept the status quo about the current situation.

"Why don't you go ahead and I'll join you in a couple minutes? Your mum is probably already waiting for you." I nod and kiss her lightly. "You're an amazing woman, Sarah MacKenzie." I'm a bit surprised when she leans in and gives me a second kiss in return. "Go on, I'll be right there."

I turn and walk out into our bedroom to put on some jeans and a shirt before I meet my doom. Mom is not going to be happy.

Somehow I keep hoping that Mac will be done before me, so I'd have her support, but it doesn't happen. I take a deep breath before opening the bedroom door to walk downstairs to the living room.

Rather than getting comfortable on the couch, mum has obviously started exploring our living room, picking up things. I watch her from the open doorway for a moment while she picks up a picture of me and Mac that was taken in Afghanistan.

"Ah, there you are. I thought I'd have to send the Coast Guard after you." I grin for her sake. She puts the picture down again but keeps looking at our grinning faces before she turns around to me. The look she gives me almost feels like she realizes I'm here just now.

"You have some really nice pictures." I feel a nightmare coming on. Whenever mum tilts her head to the side like she does now, I'm in for a ride. I decide to play along for the time being. It's not smart to outrage all the important women in my life in less than an hour.

But mum has never heard of subtlety. "So, how is Mac doing?" How do women do that? For a moment I contemplate what to say, but the obvious is the best choice. "She's doing fine, I think. At least I hope so."

Mum is already looking back at the pictures, picking up another one of me and Mac that was taken at a birthday party for someone, I don't remember anymore. I still remember the moment though. Mac had been standing alone, looking quite forlorn when I got to the party and went to her and greeted her with some stupid joke Bud had told me earlier that day.

"Is she still in Washington?" Mum's question brings me back to the present. I look from the picture to my mother who looks at me expectantly. "Umm, no she isn't. Actually she left the Corps a couple weeks ago."

Mum raises an eyebrow and sits down on the couch while I keep standing there like an idiot. Hell, why is this so damn difficult? I didn't have any trouble telling all our friends.

Mom stares at the mantle of our fireplace again and a small smile plays around the corner of her mouth. "She really is quite the girl, isn't she?" 'The girl' not 'A girl'…I remember her asking me that years ago, when I visited her and Frank before I went to Russia to find my dad. Back then I changed topic and played it off.

I look over at the pictures too and let my eyes wander over every one of them. Once my eyes rest on the one of AJ Roberts' christening, I feel a smile on my own feature. "Yes she is!" I still cannot believe that this woman is finally mine. Though mum still doesn't know that.

I look back at mum who gives me a knowing smile, but still, there seems to be a certain sadness about her as well. She looks at me intently, as if pondering something. "Did you ever tell her that?" She sounds like a real mom. Her voice is gentle.

This is the chance I was waiting for. Steeling myself for the ranting that will surely come, I pull myself up to my 6"4 and nod. "Yes I did!" Mum seems surprised, shocked even. But rather than being speechless, she nods her head sadly and whispers something that sounds pretty much like "I see."

My heart breaks at her obvious sadness and I cannot even understand why she would be so sad, considering she never met Mac in person. I sit next to her on the sofa and cover her hand with mine. "Mum?"

When she looks up, I give her my best flyboy smile, the one I remember my dad using on her whenever he wanted to get his way. "I didn't only tell Mac that she's quite the girl. I asked her to finally make an honest man out of me."

At that mum's head jerks up to look at me in disbelieve and my grin widens, if possible. "And?" She swallows audibly in anticipation to what I'll tell her.

"And she said yes." Both our heads jerk up when Mac enters the living room, clad in a jeans and a simple polo shirt that hugs her beautifully while not too suggestive.

I jump up to mention her closer and mum is still so shocked, she stares at both of us in disbelieve. "Hello, Mrs Burnett. Glad to finally meet you!" Mac extends a hand in greeting and mum slowly comes back to herself and gets up to greet my fiancé, first with a handshake and then, to my utter disbelieve and shock, pulls her into a warm hug.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1135 local**

I can't believe what I'm seeing and hearing and right now I'm not too sure if I should strangle my son or engulf him into a big hug.

I release Mac and take a good look at her. She really is as beautiful as all the pictures indicate, yet she doesn't look like a damsel in distress like many of Harm's other girlfriends. Well, at least the ones I got to meet, even if it was by accident.

"Stop that Mrs. Burnett nonsense and call me Trish." I give her a reassuring smile before I turn around to my son and poke my finger into his chest. "Young man, you have a nerve! When was your mother going to learn about your engagement? An hour away from the wedding?"

Harm cringes and I take great pleasure in the fact, that even though he will turn 42 this year, I can still make him squirm like when he was a young boy. "Uh, mom, it's not like that…" he trails off.

"Don't give me one of your ridiculous excuses. When exactly did this happen?" Harm looks at Mac for help, but she doesn't seem too intend to jump to his rescue and that earns her another couple points in my corner.

"Mom please, I was going to tell you soon." I can't believe this. I have a strong impulse to pull his ear for this. "Soon? How soon? A day away from the altar?" I'm really getting irritated now and I don't make a big secret out of it.

I put my hands to my hips and give him the hard look that I know still has its effect on him. "Son, we live in the 21st century and human kind has made some very practical inventions. Telephone and internet are just two of them, not to mention letters, postcards etc. So again, when did this happen?"

He looks at his feet and mumbles something like "a couple weeks ago!" This is really too much for me. "Weeks? And you didn't think that Frank and I would have wanted to know? That we even have a right to know? Didn't you think that I'd be happy to hear that my only child is finally getting married to the woman he's told me about for years now?"

At that Mac's head snaps up and she looks at him as well. Though her eyes hold something like anger and Harm looks over at her and before my eyes the most extraordinary thing happens. They seem to talk to each other, only they don't use words. Their eyes seem to hold a conversation all of their own and once Harm gives her a reassuring smile, her features immediately soften again and she turns to me.

"Mrs. Burnett… Trish… I think what Harm wants to tell you is that he didn't think it appropriate to tell you over the phone." My son gives her a grateful look and I turn toward him again. "So you thought its better not to tell me at all?"

My son shakes his head at that. "No, mum. I was going to tell you when you came to visit, and I thought that we'd invite you as soon as everything here is set up properly."

Harm really is his father's son. I sometimes wonder if he has anything at all from me. "Harm, next time be a little less thoughtful and just tell me, alright? I want to know when there's a major change in your life. After all you did tell me you were going to London." Even though I had to ask his assistant for the address of this place, since he hasn't even seen the necessity to give me a call about that.

Harm nods in agreement and I can see in his features, that it's more a relief-nod than anything else. He is relieved to be off the hook for the time being. "We aren't finished young man!" I almost chuckle when I see the hope disappear in his eyes again. If he thinks I'll let him off the hook that easily, he's got another thing coming.

"Did you at least have the decency to buy her a ring?" If possible, my son becomes even taller at my question and his cocky grin tells me, he got at least that part of the engagement right. As if to answer the unasked question, Mac holds up her left hand to show me her engagement ring, and I get the impression that she is just as proud of it as my son.

I have to admit, he has great taste. "It's so beautiful. And from what Harm told me, it fits you well. Congratulations to both of you!" I hug first Mac then turn around for Harm who responds enthusiastically.

"Thank you." Mac answers in a small voice. I'm really happy for them. It took them ages to get here and I've watched Harm go through various stages of denial and a mixture of hurt and hurting before they came to this. Harm smiles at Mac and they do this silent-conversation thing yet again.

The situation starts getting awkward and I realize it's my job to do something about it. "So! So far I've seen the hallway and the living room of this place. Care to give me the tour?"

Harm's eyes light up at that and he offers me his arm. "Anytime, mom." I offer my other arm to Mac who jumps at the idea and together we make our way from one room to the next.

They show me the kitchen and the dining room which, I realize, weren't decorated in Harm's usual chrome and glass style. There is the tasteful glass table, but other than at his old apartment, the chairs are made of light wood and light-colored linen. I can only imagine that to be Mac's positive influence. I never liked Harm's sterile style.

I notice they haven't put up any pictures or paintings so far and I make a mental note to change that as soon as possible. Harm has never allowed me to decorate his old apartment with a tasteful painting or two. Not that there was ever really space for that between glass walls and his windows.

Now, the kitchen is another matter entirely. It's obvious that Harm has had the upper hand in decorating in here, not to mention the pans and utensils that are scattered around everywhere.

I almost laugh at their embarrassed faces when they show me the bedroom. They seem just a tad uncomfortable about me knowing they share not only the room, but also the bed. Good lord, I'm not dumb enough to believe my almost 42 year old son is a blushing virgin and saves himself for marriage. I gave up on that idea long ago… about the time I found him with Janette, or Juliet or whatever her name was, on our sofa, making out. But seeing my big goof of a son and his fiancée squirming like this is just too much fun to pass on without enjoying it thoroughly. After all, at least Harm owes me one for not telling me about Mac.

They tell me about Mattie joining them in a couple days and even though I've never met her in person either, I can see that they are both looking forward to it. Harm has told me so much about the girl, I can hardly wait to get to know her. I throw in a joke about finally getting a grandchild even if it's not my own, but instead of evoking a laugh as I was intending, I earn a sad smile from Mac and an embarrassed look from Harm. I decide to ask Harm about it later, though it's obvious that the topic is a difficult one for him, too.

We go on through the house and I'm very impressed. Either my son has developed quite a taste, which is unlikely, or Mac is every bit as stubborn as he always told me. The house is modern, yet very comfortable with lots of natural light coming in.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1245 local**

We finally finished our tour through the house and I'm glad mum approves of our living conditions. We haven't told her much about our relationship yet, and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with her knowing intimate things about Mac and me.

Mum knows so much about Mac, yet I've never told her about the sensitive aspects of Mac's persona. Mum doesn't know about her story with alcohol and she knows nothing about Mac's previous relationships. Whenever mum asked, I gave her a vague answer, never the truth. In a way I didn't want her to judge before she even met Mac and so far that was a good idea.

Though it seems, like my mother has adopted Mac into the family after barely an hour. With decorating they have found some common ground between them other than me, and to my utter dismay, they have decided to go shopping together come Monday afternoon. I make a mental note to bury myself in work at the office. I don't mind shopping with Mac, but shopping with mum should be considered illegal.

I'm not entirely sure if my mother realized our discomfort when she brought up grandchildren, but if she does it again, I'll need to tell her a couple things to put her into the picture. The last thing Mac needs is pressure from a wanna-be-grandmother. Mattie will be by in short time, and mum will be able to do all the pampering she wants. I know I groaned when she announced that she'd stay a couple days longer than she had originally planed, to spend some time getting to know Mattie. I file away another mental note to forewarn my foster daughter, just in case.

Out of sheer hospitality I ask mum if she wants to stay here and Mac kicks me under the table when she realizes my relief once mum announces she is going to stay at the penthouse of a friend who was out of town for a couple months and wouldn't use it.

I mean I love my mum dearly. I just don't want to spend the night in the same house as her. It reminds me of my teenage years way too much. Not to mention the fact, that I would feel extremely uncomfortable being intimate with Mac, while my own mother sleeps down the hall.

We spend the rest of the day sightseeing around the city, from Buckingham Palace to Trafalgar Square and even though mum has seen all this before, she seems to enjoy herself. She and Mac are getting on great and I suppose a guy couldn't ask for more. If mum gets along with Mac, Mattie will be a cake walk.

Since we are in the city already, we decide to have dinner out and mum invites us to one of her favorite restaurants in the city. All in all it turns out to be a pleasant evening and I enjoy watching Mac and mum talk like they'd have known each other for years.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**2238 local**

Harm has been silent ever since we said our goodbyes to his mum. I don't know why though. As surprised as we both were, and as disappointed as I was about him not telling his mom about our plans to get married, I don't get why he is so utterly quiet now.

I reach for him as soon as he climbs into bed and snuggle up to him as usual. He even takes me into his arms as usual but something feels off and I ask him about it but he doesn't comment for a while.

"I don't know, Mac… I guess I'm just glad that everything is working out for us now. With mum knowing and all. I really didn't mean to hurt you this morning." Harm has taken this to heart. I turn around and prop myself up on my arm so I can look down on him. "Harm, I'm not angry at you." He looks startled at that. Was that what this is about? He thinks I'm angry? "I admit I was angry at you this morning. I just couldn't believe that after all this time you still hadn't told her about us." But I do admit that the phone wasn't the right medium to communicate such a message and I tell him so.

Instead of saying something, Harm simply reaches up and pulls me down for a kiss. I guess that's his way of telling me he's relieved. But before this can go anywhere I have to tell him about Uncle Matt. I release him and look down on him again. "Harm, about Uncle Matt…"

Harm turns around too and props himself up as well, looking at me expectantly. "I'm sorry I haven't told you so far. I called Uncle Matt shortly after we got to London from a pay phone round the corner since our phone wasn't yet fixed. After all I had to tell him he won't be reaching me on the number I gave him for San Diego."

"And?" It's clear Harm wants to know how the conversation went. I sigh deeply, recalling my conversation with my only family member I chose to stay in contact with.

"He wasn't happy with my leaving the Corps." Harm's features turn guilty immediately and I have the strong wish to smack him. "Harm, no need for you to take the blame for it. We've talked about this before." He looks at me with his puppy eyes and I'm once again reminded why I love this man so very much.

"I know, Mac. It's just… it's not right that you had to give up the Marines for me." I sigh again. I was hoping we had put this behind us by now. I reach over and put my hand over his heart which is beating rapidly right now.

"I know that you find it hard to accept this, but I want to tell you once again, hoping it will stick this time. I didn't give the Marines up for you. I gave it up for us." And I stress the 'US' to put emphasis on it. "I gave up the uniform, because in comparison to you it never stood a chance and I told that to Uncle Matt."

Harm nods in understanding, but I'm not sure I've gotten through to him. "My uncle wasn't happy about me giving up the Corps. But he was happy for us, saying it was about time." I don't really know why I never told Harm about that call. Maybe because I didn't want to tell him my uncle was disappointed about my leaving the Marines.

I lean over and give him a slight kiss on the lips. "No reason to feel guilty, sailor!" I look into his eyes. "Forgive me?" He looks back at me "Only if you forgive me." Now that is a deal I can accept.

**Mall**

**Greater London, UK**

**1424 local**

Sarah MacKenzie is really the woman I always expected her to be from Harm's stories. Not that he told me much over the years, but even though he only told me bits and pieces here and there, I can tell she is a strong character and she sure keeps him on his toes. I smile to myself, picturing the two of them bickering.

We take a break at a café and I try to lure her into a conversation. "So, have you two set a date yet?" Mac smiles and I suppose the lawyer in her anticipated this question. "No, not yet. We decided to get married in a heat of the moment thing and we wanted to get to know each other again first."

That surprises me. Those two certainly don't give the impression of being in trouble. Quite the contrary actually. I did realize some uneasiness when I surprised them on Saturday but after that I got the feeling that they are really wonderful together, despite the awkwardness at the beginning.

"So… you aren't really sure you love my son?" I know I can be protective sometimes, but damn he is my only child. And mothers are supposed to look out for their kids right? Mac rushes to explain though. "No, that's not it. I'm very sure about that, Trish. I have been for a long time. It's just… complicated."

I must be staring at her, because she goes straight on "I don't feel comfortable explaining this without Harm around." I laugh at that. "Don't worry; Harm has always felt uncomfortable telling me things about his relationships. And to be honest, I've never cared about it until now." The corners of Mac's mouth goes up into a smirk at that.

"You know, I think it's time that we finally got to meet. I've heard so much about you already." Mac starts fidgeting on her chair for a moment but doesn't comment. "Nothing to worry about. Harm hasn't exactly told me the story of your life, but your name has come up a couple times."

"I'm afraid I don't know all that much about you and your husband either, Trish." I pat her hand over the table and give her a mysterious grin. "I guess he left it up to us then." And Mac joins me in my laughter.

Mac laughing makes me realize something I wasn't aware of before. Sure I've seen pictures of her in Harm's apartment, but somehow I never quite made the connection. "Do you know that you remind me of someone?"

Mac stiffens slightly but obviously forces herself to relax almost instantly. "Yeah, I do. Harm tells me that we don't have anything in common other than looks, though." Well, I don't know. The woman in front of me and Harm's former girlfriend could be identical twins, though I suppose Mac must be slightly younger.

I'm surprised though, that she seems to know about Diane and ask her about it. She sighs and looks over at the people passing by the café. "It was mostly by accident that I learned about her." A shudder goes through her and she looks back at me, smiling slightly.

"I'm surprised Harm opened up enough to talk about his former relationships or lack thereof." I grin at her. My son will turn 42 in October and I didn't think he'd ever find the guts to go after the woman in front of me or anybody else for that matter.

My companion laughs again. "It wasn't exactly like that. To be honest I had to squeeze it out of him. As I said, it was an accident."

She stops at that, not revealing anything further but she's got me hooked now. "How's that?" She just shrugs. "I went by his apartment to talk about a case we were supposed to work on together when he tried to shoe me out with a ridiculous story. I kind of sensed that something was very off and stood my ground. That's when I found her picture on his coffee table. I was shocked for a moment, but it explained so much." I think there is a lot more to this particular story than she wants to let on. Harm and her seem to be very similar in this… if they don't want to tell you something they won't. Period.

I raise my eyebrows at her to indicate that I want her to go on. "He… when we first met, he stared at me as if I was a ghost. At the time I didn't know that to him I must have looked like one. After all, it was only a few weeks after Diane's funeral."

I nod, remembering how forlorn he sounded when he called me to tell me Diane Schonke was dead. "It was a shock to all of us…They were at the academy together and she, Sturgis and Harm sometimes spent a couple weeks out at La Jolla for summer. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought her up." Mac shakes her head and holds up her hand to stop me. "It's ok Trish. Harm and I have talked about her then, and I think he let her go a long time ago."

I suppose he would have, or else, knowing my son, he wouldn't have been able to put a ring onto Sarah MacKenzie's hand. She takes a sip of her coffee before she goes on. "He told me about her when I questioned him about it that night and he also told me that despite our similarity in appearance, we are two very different people. According to him, even our voices differ and of course our character. After all she was a squid and I'm a Marine!" She winks at me as if that was all the proof needed to indicate that they didn't have much in common and I have to laugh.

"You better don't let him hear that!" Mac joins in my laughter again. I ponder whether or not to broach the next subject, but I decide honesty is required here. "You know, when Harm first told me that he had asked you to become his wife on Saturday I thought I'd heard wrong."

The grin vanishes from Mac's face and I pat her hand to reassure her. "No, not that, dear. It's just that…" I don't know how to phrase this… "… when he first told me about his new partner, I could hear it in his voice that this partner was obviously a very special person to him. I don't know why, but I had kind of hoped, that he would finally settle down. I even asked him about you once… I think it might have been around the time he went to Russia for my husband. But he would always change topics and yet…" I have to smile at the image of him blushing when I asked him about Mac. "…yet it took us nine years!" Mac's grin is more like a grimace than a humorous expression.

"May I ask you something?" She tilts her head to the side as if thinking about my question, but motions for me to go on. "Earlier you said that you two had to get to know each other again… " She starts to look embarrassed and shakes her head. "…No, let me finish. I don't mean for you to tell me everything. I would just like to know why you felt that it was necessary, that's all. Because Harm doesn't talk about feelings if he can help it."

Mac sighs again. She seems to be doing that often today. For a moment she is quiet and I think she is not going to answer at all, but then she starts talking. "Harm and I… we had some pretty hard months recently. Not all of it was between him and me, we were just both in rough patches and we felt that it was necessary to get these out of our systems before we could go on together."

It's my turn to go over her words in my head. It hasn't escaped me, that she worded her response very carefully… like a lawyer. God, sometimes I hate their ability to talk without saying anything. But I let it go for now. I cover her hand with mine again, trying to show her that I accept her reluctance to reveal all the information. But I feel like I need to tell her one more thing. "You know… You and Harm have a very long history together and that is a big accomplishment in itself. Many people think that love is easy when it isn't. It is hard work, especially with a man like Harm. It is difficult to love a Rabb and at the same time it's so very easy."

Mac smiles at that and seems to be deep in thought. "Harm senior was just as closed up and nothing I did would rush him when he didn't want to be rushed. With Harm… it's ten times worse. When he closes up, he closes up and there is nothing and none that can do anything about it. Not even his grandmother was able to reach him when he went to that particular corner of his mind. But… what I saw Saturday and all day yesterday was my son very much in love and happy, and I have you to thank for that."

We leave the café soon after and stroll through several stores, boutiques and other shops. I can tell, Mac has a thing for shoes and I have to smile. For all the strengths she has, she's also very female. My first impression is right. This Marine will keep my squid on his toes.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1708 local**

I don't know why, but I'm extremely nervous. The family service department of Washington has handed Mattie's case over to the local authorities here since their handling it themselves would be unpractical with Mattie and me here in London. The officer in charge has announced his visit for tonight and I just don't want to fuck this up.

I pace around the living room, while mum and Mac watch me with mild amusement. I'm glad that someone at least has some fun around here. "Ok, let's go through the list again, ok?" Mum gets up from the sofa. "Harmon Rabb, stop walking a hole in the floor, you are starting to make me seasick. Now sit and calm down, everything will be fine!"

"I hate it when people are late for meetings!" I say and Mac chuckles next to me. "Says the man who is constantly late for everything!" Well, not all of us can have a build in clock but even the watch on my wrist tells me the officer is late. Don't they realize that people like me get nervous if they are late? After all it's not like we are meeting to discuss the weather here.

At almost quarter past five the doorbell rings and I jump up from the sofa and wipe my suddenly moist palms on my black jeans. Let's get this over with. I open the door and extend my hand as I was taught. "Good afternoon, sir. Come on in."

The guy acts as if he checks out the building from the outside before walking into the hallway and our living room. "Good evening Mr. Rabb." I introduce him to Mac and mum but he doesn't seem to be impressed at all.

I offer something to drink, but this guy is all business, no pleasantries. From his looks I'd say a 'good morning' is already a miracle coming from him. We sit down with him in the armchair, while the three of us share the couch. "Mr. Rabb, the papers here don't say anything about Ms. MacKenzie living in your household."

I swallow and glance at Mac for a moment, hoping she won't go ballistic again because I haven't yet informed child care of my living arrangements. Clearing my throat I start to explain. "I'm sorry Mr. Wallace. I suppose Washington family services sent these papers over to you and at the time they were filed I did indeed live alone. My fiancée and I moved in together when we got to London a couple weeks ago."

Without my noticing Mac and I have somehow linked hands and she gives me a reassuring squeeze. Wallace however scribbles around on his notepad and just mutters an 'I see' before sighing theatrically.

"So, Mr. Rabb, I take it you and Ms. MacKenzie are in an intimate relationship then?" Excuse me? What business of him is that? I have to remind myself that I need his support to get Mattie not only here but to keep her here as well. I'm starting to really dislike the guy. After all he hasn't yet asked me or us a single question regarding Mattie herself.

"Ms. MacKenzie and I will be getting married soon, sir. So, yes we do have a very serious and stable relationship." What we do behind closed bedroom doors is really none of his business. Another 'I see' and he keeps scribbling around on his notepad.

"Ms. MacKenzie, how well do you know the young girl that is supposed to live here in the not too distant future?" Mac looks at me for a moment and I nod for her to be honest. "I've come to know Mattie mostly through Harm… uh, Captain Rabb, at first, while she was his ward. We talked and spent some evenings together, playing games, watching movies… And I visited her at the hospital often, ever since she had her accident a few months ago."

I look at her as if she'd grown a second head. I didn't even know she had been to see Mattie at the hospital. She never told me about that. Wallace grunts something I don't understand and scribbles some more. "And you are alright with Mattie living here with you and Mr. Rabb?"

He stresses the Mr.… probably because Mac mentioned my rank. "I'm not alright with Mattie living here, sir…" she makes a pause and I have to grin. He opened that door for her and if Mac has learned anything in the courtroom, it is how to argue your case to the best of your abilities. "I'm very much looking forward to her coming here. It means a lot to Harm and me that she comes here. And it means even more to both of us that she is still alive and on her way to get better." For the first time he seems impressed… slightly. He goes on asking her about her work and she tells him about her time in the Corps and about her new job at the embassy, before he turns to me again.

"Mr. Rabb, the papers I was sent by Washington family services state that your position in the military will take you out of country very often. How do you plan to make sure that there will be sufficient supervision at home while you're gone to places all over the world?"

I groan inwardly and remind myself of my good discipline and training. "Mr. Wallace, as Force Judge Advocate of Europe I'll be in country most of the year. My work consists of paperwork and conferences which are mostly held in London. And during the few days I'll be gone, my fiancée will be around to look after Mattie. And even though Mac has her own job I'm pretty sure we will do fine on that front." After all, Mattie isn't a baby and she took care of herself for months before anybody ever noticed she was all alone.

Next he wants to see the house and complains about there only being one bathroom for three people. He tells us that it is quite normal but doesn't spare us his opinion on the fact that he thinks it's highly insufficient. He keeps jotting things on that damn notepad without ever telling us why.

He doesn't only inspect Mattie's room, but Mac's and my bedroom as well, which I find unnecessary and downright rude. "A pilot huh?" He gestures to my dress whites hanging on the closet door. I give him a tight smile. "And a lawyer, sir." He nods in his unimpressed and almost bored manner and wanders around the house, all the time writing on that damn notepad.

"I was in the Navy, too. Glad I'm out. All that jet fuel in the air on that damn boat." I decide not to comment his very undignified remark and show him the little office we have created with an extra desk for Mattie and bookshelves for her course books.

After the tour through the house he keeps on asking about where Mattie will go to school, how we are going to manage the fact that she will have a hard time walking and what we have done so far to ensure her medical needs are met as soon as she gets here. I think we can finally convince him that we aren't about to destroy a young girl's life by being associated with the military. He also informs us, that Mattie's dad gave his full support to us taking care of his daughter which will create problems for Wallace should he decide we aren't suitable, but I don't think we did anything wrong.

In the end, our getting custody of Mattie isn't in his hands anyway. Washington family services has long since made that decision, especially since Tom has especially requested that Mattie comes to live with me.

All three of us accompany him to his car and he promises to call as soon as possible with his decision.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1836 local**

Mum hovers around the kitchen while I prepare dinner. Mac is still at the office and called in to tell us she was getting in slightly late. It was another long day at the office and with Mattie flying in tomorrow, I was hoping to get a quiet evening. Mum obviously doesn't think so, if the look she gives me is anything to go by.

I look up to her and she simply keeps staring at me. "Ok, mum. What is it?" I can't help it, that woman is really irritating me.

A small smile plays around her lips and I have a hard time stopping myself from strangling her. "Nothing. Can't a mother look at her son?" Oh yeah, the innocent mum number… yeah, right. "I guess so, but you usually don't. So what's bothering you?"

Mum looks out the window and then back at me with a sigh. "You seem very different." I chuckle at that. "What's so funny about that?" It will never cease to amaze me, how mum can still give me THAT look, considering my age. All of a sudden I feel like the five-year-old again that stole the cookie jar from the shelf. "Uh, nothing."

Mum leans her back to the counter and crosses her arms in front of her, while I keep stirring dinner. Good thing too, cause that gives me something to do. "Do you love her?" I almost drop my spoon at that.

Deciding this situation needs my attention more than our dinner does, I turn off the stove and look at her. She doesn't seem to be angry or worked up about anything. I won't have trouble answering her question. It should be obvious that I love Mac more than anything else. "I do!"

My answer brings a smile to her face and I suppose I didn't yet step on any mines. "Everyone can see how you feel about her. And how she feels about you." So where's the problem then? I ask her and she shakes her head 'no'.

"There isn't a problem, Harm. This is just your old mother trying to make sense of things." Ha, mum getting old. That would be the day. I'll be old before her. Nobody would suspect her to be the 65 she is. "I'm just so happy that you've finally decided to settle down with the right girl and that you are going to have a family of your own. Mattie will come and live with you, maybe you will even give me and Frank a couple grand-kids now."

At her mentioning grand-kids I sober up and look at the floor. Mum has always been at me to settle down, but she never gave me lectures about wanting a grandchild. And now it is very likely, that I will never father a child of my own.

"Mum, let's sit down in the dining room for a moment, ok?" I lead her over without explaining myself and she follows me without a word. Only the frown on her face tells me that she is suspicious.

"Mum, you know I love Mac, right?" She nods at that. Well, so far this has been easy, no big surprises. "Harm, I've known that for years. And don't give me that surprised look." I look out the window again. Yes, I've been in love with Mac for years and we have wasted so much time, and maybe even more than just time. Maybe we gave away the chance of having our own children, of the boy or girl with her looks and my brains or vise versa.

"Ever since you first told me about her it was so obvious. And now you will finally start a life together, with everything that comes with it. And with Mattie here, you'd always have a babysitter, or Frank and I could move to London…" I hold up my hand to stop her before she gets on a roll for sure.

She stops talking immediately and stares at me. How do I tell her that Mac and I might never have our own children or even one child? Most mothers dream about having grand kids one day and I try the safest approach I can come up with, since I'm not entirely comfortable telling her something so very personal about Mac. Especially since I never talked to Mac about telling anyone.

"Mum, I've been meaning to talk to you about this. I don't want you to advertise your wish for grandchildren when Mac is around." That earns me a strange look. Well, that was to be expected.

"What do you mean? Doesn't she want children? Or is it wrong of your mother to want a grandchild she can spoil?" Boy, why does mum have to make everything so damn difficult all the time? I can imagine her with my son or daughter on her arm and yeah, I can see my mom walking down a department store aisle, hundreds of bags under her arms, loaded with toys and other stuff and still grinning.

But that's not the point here. "Mum, no! I never said that. We would both love to have kids in the future, but sometimes it just doesn't happen." That's about as far as I'll go about this. She doesn't need to have the whole story.

But mum has always been pretty good at reading between the lines. "Oh, no! Are you sure?" I look at the road outside the window again and shake my head. "Nothing's for sure. But if it happens it will be a miracle and that's all I'm going to say, mum. All I want is for you to quit talking about grandkids and the like."

I didn't expect this, but mum covers my hands in hers and gives them a hard squeeze. "Harm, I love you. And I love Mac. All I want is for you to be happy, and if I get that, I cannot and will not ask for more."

Mac comes home soon after that, while mum and me put the finishing touches to tonight's dinner. We enjoy the meal and after that mum makes an early excuse… something about meeting a friend because of her gallery or something. I don't quite buy it, but getting alone time with Mac before a teenager comes bursting into our lives is fine with me.

Mac and me settle onto the sofa, just holding each other, with some soft jazz playing in the background. I sigh contentedly and draw her even closer to me for a kiss. With mum here, I didn't dare kiss her properly earlier and I'm thirsting for her. "I missed you today."

Mac draws me nearer for another kiss and her enthusiasm shows me, that I'm not the only one who's desperate here.

A moment later, Mac takes my hand in hers and gets up from the couch, dragging me over to in front of the stereo. "Dance with me!" It's a simple request and I feel completely unable to resist her. I've never been able to deny her anything like that and we fall into a comfortable step with each other. I hold her close, letting my right hand rest just above her buttocks and my left hand in hers, which we hold close to our bodies almost as if we wanted to touch each other's hearts.

I never thought that being together with a woman could feel so overwhelmingly normal to me. Never before Mac did I ever dance with a woman in my own living room. With Mac these moments are like little treasures that need to be kept safe from the outside world, or rather, it feels like we are in our own little world here, with nothing and none disturbing us.

I'm happy we're home, because Mac's closeness really does things to me that aren't meant for the public. Within minutes my need for her grows painfully and Mac isn't exactly idle either. She starts to rain kisses down my throat toward the open collar of my shirt, where she finds my collarbone very interesting.

A groan escapes one of us and if she keeps doing this I won't be held accountable for what will come next. My mouth finds hers and within seconds I loose myself in her taste and the kiss. My hands wander up her back and underneath her t-shirt.

If this doesn't stop soon, I won't be able to stop, especially since she has started massaging me through my pants. "Sarah, please…" I trail off because I don't have enough breath to finish a complete sentence. She tugs on my lower lip and starts exploring me again, her hands never stopping their ministrations.

My knees give out the moment she opens my fly and wraps her fingers around me. I drag her down onto the floor with me and before I can change my mind, she pulls on my shirt. "Please what?" She whispers into my ear at the same time… and what was it I wanted again? I can't remember with her so close and touching me the way she does.

All that is important right now is her touch and how I can increase our closeness. My hands aren't idle either and within moments my eyes wander down her absolutely perfect body, her beautiful breasts that are already high erect. I need to taste them and turn her over onto her back to get better access. Her moan tells me I'm doing something good here. And… oh boy, I just hope I'll never stop being crazy about her.

I'm so busy tasting and lavishing her nipples, I don't even realize it when she drags my pants and boxers down to my knees, while I fumble around on her jeans, trying to get them off as fast as possible.

Somewhere at the back of my brain I realize we are in the living room, but another part of me tells that part to shut up and go with the flow. I'm so desperate by now, that I'm pretty sure I couldn't walk even if I wanted to.

We both make short work of the remainders of our clothing and even though I'm usually not the kind of guy to rush through lovemaking, I just can't stand to not be inside her for another second. We both sigh in happiness once she is wrapped all around me and I start my slow movements, wanting to drag it out for her as long as possible.

Her legs wrap themselves around me, drawing me even closer and it's almost too much for me. I slow down a bit and start lavishing the valley between her breasts and she throws her head back in pleasure. I'll never cease to admire her passion or her beauty. I don't know what god thought when he created her, but he was definitely showing off.

It doesn't take long for her to protest my stilled movement and she tries to get me into motion again. I comply only too willingly and within moments I'm as close to the edge as I can stand. Reaching between us I find her pleasure bud and start massaging it in that way I know she loves and I get her there just in time for my own release starts to wash over both of us, followed by her contracting muscles around me.

The strain from our lovemaking doesn't allow me to support myself any longer and I crash down next to her, immediately drawing her close to me so I can hold her. I can't believe how out of breath I am, my head still doing cartwheels.

"Wow!" That's all she says when she props her head onto my chest. It became her most favorite place after our lovemaking the first night we were together like this and I love to hold her like that. In a way it's almost better than the lovemaking itself. But only almost.

She leans up onto her elbow and looks down at me in amusement. "Please tell me, we didn't just do it on the floor!" Her face is a strange mixture of horrified, humiliated and amused. I have to laugh at that. Yeah, we really are a desperate pair. Laughing I draw her close for a kiss and answer her question. "I would, but you know as officers of the court we both know it would be a lie! I guess we got… a little carried away." And boy do I really feel a blush creeping up my neck?

Mac laughs at that and swats me on my chest, rubbing the spot lightly a second longer and if she doesn't stop that soon, she will only add more facts to the statement she just made. I place a hand above hers to still her movement and she seems to understand. I love it when we are like this, I ache for her as soon as we're disconnected and usually loving her a second time would be my primary agenda, simply because I love to see her like that.

But for once, I want us to simply be together, holding onto each other. We snuggle together on the floor like we would on our bed and even though we neither have a blanket or any clothes, we just lie there. It amuses me that it doesn't bother us at all.

Mac looks up when I start chuckling and frowns. "I just thought that it's a good thing we still have this place to ourselves. I don't even want to imagine what would happen with Mattie walking in on us like this." Mac joins in my laughing and swats me again, for what I'm not sure. After all it IS a horrifying idea.

The thought of Mattie makes me sober up quickly though. I trace Mac's cheekbone with my finger and wonder whether or not she knows what we will have to deal with from tomorrow on. "A lot of things are going to change tomorrow." I don't make it a question. It would be pointless, since Mac and I both know the truth of it.

Once Mattie bounces around this house, it won't just be Mac and me, doing whatever we please and when. But once again Sarah MacKenzie stuns me by leaning down and brushing her lips only lightly over mine before leaning back again. "I know. And I wouldn't have it any other way!"


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

**London Heathrow Airport**

**Borrow of Hillington**

**London, UK**

**1655 local**

The flight attendant wheels me off the ramp and I'm already starting to be irritated with her. I know she means well, but I'm perfectly capable of pushing my own wheelchair, thank you very much. It isn't like I didn't have a lot of practice recently. I bet I could even walk on my crutches but airport personnel is just ridiculously careful.

For whatever reason I'm pretty nervous too. It isn't like I don't know Harm and Mac, but still. It feels strange and very exciting at once.

I can spot them waiting for me at the gate, which is unusual, but they were probably called in due to my situation. Looking at them I don't know why I was worried so much. They both sport big grins on their faces and Harm points in my direction as he spots me so Mac can find me in the crowd. As soon as I'm close enough, Harm pulls his ID to show my flight attendant that he's in charge now. I bet nobody would suspect he's an officer… not at all.

Harm throws his arms around me and I hug him just as hard. "Good to have you back, girl." God I didn't even know how much I missed him. He ruffles my hair, much to my dismay, and makes room for Mac, so I can give her a hug too.

"I hope he's been behaving while you two were on your own!" Mac bursts out into laughter and Harm looks between her and me, shaking his head in amusement. "Hey, someone has to look after you!" This earns me another chuckle from Mac and a groan from Harm. I guess he just realized that he will be the minority from now on… only man, only rabbit-food friend of the house… poor him.

Harm loads me into his SUV and I'm mildly impressed. I didn't know they were going to take Harm's car here and if the Lexus is here, I suppose the 'vette didn't stay in D.C. either.

"So, you hungry? There's a restaurant nearby that serves just the right food for you." Harm would let me eat burgers? Willingly? "Harm what ever happened to healthy?" I can see his wince in the rearview mirror but he recovers quickly. "Well, kind of as a welcome gift. And ONLY today." I decline the offer though. It's not that I'm not hungry, but I really don't feel like going to a restaurant right now. Not even to a place where they sell burgers. "Not today, but I'll take you up on that offer soon." I ignore his remark that it was an offer for today only. He won't be able to resist me anyway.

I can't wait to see the house. They sent me a couple pictures through e-mails and Mac could even get Harm to chat with me online, but I'm still excited about going there for the first time. When we turn around the corner into 'our' street I can already see the house sporting a huge "Welcome Home Mattie" banner over the door. Wow! These two are just so amazing!

Harm wants to put me back into that ridiculous wheelchair, but I wave him off taking my crutches instead. "I need to learn to get around on my own, Harm. I've been sitting on my ass long enough!" He looks over at Mac with that cute confused expression he always gets when he doesn't quite understand me, but that's ok, he'll learn.

I take a deep breath before I walk up the two steps that lead to the front door. I loved this place from the photos, but reality is so much better. I've never been to Mac's place, but I can tell on first sight, that she had some serious influence on the furniture style and decorations. No more planes and Harm's modern black leather style has been replaced by brighter colors. I silently congratulate her on her welcoming taste. Harm's apartment had always been… kind of … 'bachelor' I guess.

Harm and Mac give me the 50 cent tour of the lower floor and look funny once I mention that I'd like to go upstairs and take a look there. "Hey, I'm on crutches. I'm not dead or anything." Again that silent communication between them. If they keep that up I'll go nuts for sure.

"Come on, Mattie, at least let me carry you up." Did I hear that right? God… "Harm, I was released from the hospital days ago ok? So stop fretting. I've been training to walk up and down the stairs with my physiologist in D.C…. and guess what: I did not kill myself."

With that, as if to state my point, I give one of the crutches to Mac, figuring she won't fret as much and start my way up. It will take me a while, but I didn't say anything about speed… just that I would be able to do this.

Harm dutifully walks behind me, trying to catch me if I fall. Someone should tell him, that if I fall down he will fall with me before he can do anything about it.

At first sight I'm kind of disappointed when I enter what is supposed to be my room. Except the bed and the little pull-out sofa and a desk, there are only empty bookshelves. There's no decoration except a model airplane of a Stearman like Harm's.

All in all the room doesn't look very inviting, but I figure they wanted to leave that up to me and I'm very grateful for that. Nothing worse then a couple old people decorating your room. I guess that means Harm remembered some of Jen's good advices or something.

"You like it?" I turn around and give them a thumbs up. "I love it!" It's not entirely true, but I guess it's alright for starters and I can put up whatever pictures I want. It sure will give me something to do.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1205 local**

Harm and I just finish putting together lunch when Trish announces herself by ringing the bell. We asked her over the other day so she could meet Mattie which had two results in general. My fiancé was a nervous wreck all morning and our foster daughter was holed up in her room trying to get herself presentable.

As it turns out, nobody should have worried at all. Trish and Mattie hit it off right away and we decided to have a girl's day on Saturday so we could do something about the sparse decorations for Mattie's bedroom. Trish is great with Mattie and I can't help but wonder, how wonderful she would be to any child of Harm and me. She would make a great grandmother, full of love and devotion.

Harm decided to have a guys-day with Bud doing whatever it is two guys so different as themselves do on a Saturday afternoon.

**Somewhere in London's stores**

**Greater London, UK**

**1455 local**

I can see why Harm loves Mattie so much. She is the bright, cheerful girl I always wanted my son to have as a daughter. And despite all that, she's still very much a girl. If I didn't know better, I'd claim she's Harm's own child though, considering the tantrum she threw when we made her sit into her wheelchair. That girl is all he told me about and more.

Seeing Harm with the 15-year old really made me think about him and Mac and what he told me… or didn't tell me. Obviously there is some sort of problem with either one of them and I desperately hope that they will be lucky despite everything. From what I can see Mac is great with Mattie and Harm has told me some stories over the years about her and their godson.

I watch from the background as Mac and Mattie debate over a huge poster of a half naked musician or something and I can't help but think that God couldn't be so cruel. There are so many women out there who don't have the first clue about kids and here is a woman so impassioned with a child that isn't even her own and… no I really can't stand that thought.

But it's not only her… Harm has developed a light in his eyes that I haven't seen before. He seemed happy with Mac alone, but ever since Mattie got here a couple days ago, he has changed somehow and for the better, too. It's not difficult to see what he loves about these two girls.

I chuckle when Mac finally gets the upper hand in the discussion, stating that Mattie could pick a poster of the guy where he has more clothes on. I silently congratulate her on that victory. I know I would have fainted if Harm had put up any half naked girls when he was younger. For once in my life I'm thankful for his affinity to airplanes… his walls used to be covered with them. No bikini picture of girls anywhere in sight. Thank God for small miracles.

Mattie and Mac convince me to go to one of these places where they sell these greasy burgers and I chuckle at the thought of Harm finding out about this. "Girls, I think this stays among us. Harm would never forgive you the fact that you've been feeding me greasy cows, never mind that I'm perfectly able to buy them myself if I want to." I raise my eyebrows at them in a conspirational manner and both of them burst out laughing.

"No problem, Trish. We won't tell on you or he will make us eat rabbit-food for all of next week to make up for it." Mattie cheers and adds "And make Mac go running every morning." I raise my eyebrows at Mac who waves it off. "We go running almost every morning anyway, so no big deal. Someone has to make sure he doesn't cheat after all."

Their laughter is really catching. I don't remember having so much fun in one afternoon. Somehow if feels like I've known them forever instead of just a couple days.

"So Mac, are there any news on the wedding so far?" I hide my grin behind my Coke because that question makes Mac stutter quite a bit. "Uh… well, we haven't… I mean we haven't quite set a date yet." My eyes go back to the youngest member of our little team and I grin again at her rolling her eyes.

Mattie is really something. It amuses me a great deal that she is so straightforward and quite obviously she has absolutely no problem asking the most uncomfortable questions. "Mac, why not? After your announcement at the hospital in Blacksburg I thought I would get that invitation any day! And now you tell me you can't even agree on a wedding date for crying out loud? I can't even leave you two alone for a couple weeks, can I?"

I almost chuckle at the expression she makes to underline her statement. Looking over to me she says "You know Trish, I always thought Harm is the slow one but it is very obvious that they are both kind of dense sometimes!" Mac sputters on her own coke at that and this time no amount of decency keeps the laughter in check.

"Mattie!" Mac cries at her bluntness which only increases my chuckles. "Well, it's true! How much more time do you need?" Mattie throws up her arms in frustration and makes a face only teenagers are capable of. "You leave Washington with a promise to get married in April, now its early June and you still haven't even decided on a wedding date! How pathetic is that!"

I'm still amused, but Mac sobers up quickly and gives her a hard look, accompanied by a hard voice. "Mattie, things aren't always that easy. When we left Washington there were many issues that had to be dealt with before everything else. You yourself were a witness to that!" I'm not sure that I want to know everything, but I get the feeling that Harms and Macs engagement wasn't exactly your fairy tale story. And I'm not really comfortable sitting here and listening to this.

But Mattie either doesn't want to understand Mac's hint or she is simply ignoring it. For Mac's sake I decide to interrupt the young girl and put an end to this. After all, it really should be my sons and his fiancées decision when they will get married to each other. And it's nobody's right to put any pressure on them. Not even mine. And God knows I would want to see Harm married. "Mattie, I think you haven't yet told me about the new school you will go to."

Mac gives me a grateful look and nods in understanding. It doesn't take long before we get up and return back to their house, but for the duration I engage Mattie into enough conversation about god knows what to make sure she doesn't get back to the topic from earlier.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**2358 local**

I snuggle close to Harm once our breaths have somewhat returned to normal. It's unbelievable how crazy I am for this man and for the millionth time I wonder how I could survive without his loving touch for so long.

I never guessed it in all those years that Harm is like the most attentive lover I can imagine. Other than most men he cares more for my pleasure than his own and I have to sigh when he looks at me with that expression that gives me the feeling I'm the most important thing in the world.

With Mattie in the house now, we have to be a bit more careful of course. No more making out on the sofa or the living room floor. I know Harm would never forgive himself if Mattie walked in on us and I'm not too comfortable with that idea either. But that makes our bedroom all the more our little nest of love and passion that it already was before our young girl finally came to fill our empty house with some life.

Harm draws me close to his chest and gives my shoulder a slight squeeze. We didn't have much time earlier to talk about our days, considering we were otherwise occupied. But his big grin tells me he had a blast. "So how was your girls shopping tour with mum?"

I swat him across the chest for that because his tone of voice suggests that he would have found it very annoying. "Don't be rude, she's your mum. And a wonderful person." I like Trish a lot, even though I don't quite know what to make of her sometimes. But Harm occasionally acts as if his mother being here would be the biggest bother of his life right now.

"Hey, what's that for? I just wanted to know how your day was? Some women would be happy if their husband asked them a thing like that?" I smile at the word 'husband' but I choose not to comment on it. The thought of him being my husband certainly warms me from deep within. And it gives me the perfect opening.

"You know I thought we should think about doing it soon." Harm lifts his head so he can look down on me and I can already see the twinkle in his eyes before he starts speaking. "I thought we've just done it pretty well."

Oh that man is so infuriating sometimes. "I didn't talk about THAT… though I agree on the 'pretty well' part." I take a deep breath before going on. "I actually meant the getting married thing."

At that Harm leans up on his own elbow and for a second I think he wants to suggest its too early or something. But his features turn from doubtful to excited in a mere second and he takes my hand that bears his ring into his and draws it to his lips. "You mean it?"

The gesture is so intimate and all of a sudden the enormity of what I asked hits me full blast. I mean, ok, we decided to get married weeks ago and all. But so far we put off discussing anything past that point and bringing it up now makes it pretty final… I think.

But nevertheless, the answer to his question comes easy and with a very deep conviction. I've always been sure that I want to spend my life with him, but after the last couple weeks I've become sure that we are also ready for that last step. "I'm sure."

I don't get out anything else because his lips seal over mine in a scorching kiss while he crushes my body against his. It feels like I'm melting into his arms and the sheer tenderness of his touch drives me insane.

I hold up a hand and give him a slight push. He leans back onto his elbow and grins like a Cheshire cat. I know I'm frowning at his lack of action now, but he only leans in to brush his lips against mine once more. "You wanted to plan a wedding right?" I smack him on the shoulder again, knowing it won't help any. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I swear this man will drive me nuts one day.

I prop myself up on my elbow again so I can look at him better. "So do we want a civilian ceremony? Or a military one? A wedding at a church or just a private place?" Harm only looks at me for a moment. When he reaches over with his free hand there's a moment when I expect him to touch my cheek, but instead he takes a strand of my hair and gently tugs it back behind my ear.

"I can remember someone who wanted a small wedding on a hillside with goats. Is that still true?" His eyes are hooded for a moment and I can see that he means it. He's not trying to annoy me or joke around. What a wedding do I want? I've pictured it a couple hundred times… Harm waiting for me at the altar, me walking up to him in my dress, both of us with silly smiles on our faces, waiting to be joined as husband and wife.

When I was preparing to marry Mic I indeed wanted a very small ceremony… in fact I wanted one as small as possible. If it had been for me, I really would have gone for the hilltop with the goats. I would have even gone for a run-away-wedding in Vegas, just the two of us getting married secretly, so nobody would find out. Of course, I now know why that was so. I didn't really want to get married to Mic and that fact made me oppose anything that would have made the celebration a real celebration. Not that I was very successful with it. Had Harm not gone down the night before, that wedding would have taken place in a way I didn't want it to… wrong church, wrong happiness and most of all… wrong man.

"I don't quite know. All I want is getting married to you, Harm. That's what I've always wanted." And that's the simple truth. I guess I never really cared how it happened… as long as it happened between the two of us. These words bring back a memory of a night when Harm said something similar.

Harm gives me a small smile. "So you've never pictured it?" What am I supposed to answer to that? Of course I have, and I'm sure he has, too. "I have." And then I ponder about how to best word this so it won't sound stupid. "I know I once said dress whites are overrated… but…" I bite my lip when I see the huge grin spread his features. "A military wedding it is then…I always knew that you wouldn't be able to resist the 'whites' and the 'wings'." He chuckles and I groan. Great.., well done MacKenzie…boost his ego even more, will you?

But Harm draws my face nearer and moves his thumb over my lips, suddenly all serious again. "But it's ok if you can't resist me in my dress whites, 'cause I can't resist you no matter what you wear."

It's very early morning when we finally decide to stop planning to get some rest. We aren't even really planning, just swapping ideas back and forth about what we would like. We settle on a full military wedding with everything it comes with. No surprise there. Harm getting married in anything but his 'whites' is simply not an option. I can't even imagine it. Besides that, I think nobody would forgive us if we did anything else.

Since we are here, there's no way we are going to have a wedding in the States which means Harm's family would have to fly in, but he assured me that wouldn't be the slightest problem. If anything, Frank Burnett could probably arrange to rent the business airliner of his company and make a stop in D.C. for everyone there, so they wouldn't have to clear their bank accounts just to be at our wedding… which is a great relief, especially for the non-military friends of ours… not that there are all that many.

Between Harm and me, we realize that if we had a big wedding, we'd be inviting at least half the Navy and Marine Corps and neither of us wants that, which answers the question of whether we want to have a big or a small ceremony. Close friends and family and some valued colleagues will be the only attendants. I really don't care to invite everyone simply because I worked with them for a while. The last thing we settle on is the fact that we would like to give our vows in a church or a chapel, though a small one and not one of these enormous things. "Don't let my mother chose the church though, or we'll end up getting married at Westminster Abbey!"


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1235 local**

Trish announced herself this morning and Harm just finishes the last touches of lunch when the bell rings. Mattie just got up a couple minutes ago and has been blocking the bathroom ever since. I sigh. Some things never change, and teenagers sleeping almost till noon is one of them. Harm and I have made some serious progress in our planning this morning, while it was just the two of us.

Actually I'm horribly nervous at the moment and looking over at my fiancé, I can see that I'm not alone in that. He almost cut his finger when he prepared the tomatoes and he's been jittery ever since his mom called to tell us she was dropping by for lunch.

We decided earlier to let Mattie and Trish in on the fact that we were indeed planning our wedding. For that purpose I left the notepad lying on the counter that had wedding plans all over it. Harm suggested we let them find out that way and enjoy the triumph as a get-back for their constant teasing.

The doorbell rings and Trish makes her presence known. I'm so looking forward to this… I think. I still don't know what Harm's mother thinks of me, or what she will think of me once she learns about my family history and the fact that she isn't likely to have any grandkids. She has backed off on that though, and I can't help but wonder if Harm had anything to do with that.

"Hello, dear" I hear her greet her son who has to bend down to her to return her hug. Now Trish is not your usual rich woman. She walks straight into the kitchen and carries out the food to the dining room table. Somehow she managed to stay the easy normal woman she must have been when Harm senior was still around, before she married Frank and got rich.

She puts the bowl on the table and turns to me to hug me too. "Did he give you any trouble?" I laugh at the stern look she shots toward her son who seems to get this deer-in-the-headlights-look whenever she does that. I look at Harm as though considering my answer for a second and then grin at him and shake my head no towards Trish. Giving him another stern look she grunts "Well, the day is still young!"

I laugh again. "Mom! Where's the trust in my abilities?" Which earns him another laugh from me, 'cause he goes all defensive over a joke. Trish waves aside his comment with a motion of her hand and sits down "I'm your mother Harm!" That seems to answer the question in her opinion.

We have barely sat down to eat when I notice Trish looking at Harm and me expectantly. Harm realized it too and only raises an eyebrow at her in return. "Well? Do you care to tell us when we'll be making an appointment at the hairdresser's for your wedding or will I learn about the wedding like I learned about the engagement? Oh and by the way, if you wanted a SECRET wedding" she stresses the word 'secret' for effect and looks sternly at both of us to let us know that that was out of the option "you shouldn't let your plans lie on the kitchen counter!"

Instead of groaning like I suspect Trish was waiting for, Harm's features spread into a wide grin. "We already wondered how long it would take you…" Harm checks his watch and I know what's coming. "… which reminds me, you owe me a home-cooked dinner, Marine!" At that he leans over to me, gives me a short kiss on the lips and neither of us can hold the laughter in any longer when we look at the priceless faces of Mattie and Trish.

Trish throws her napkin at her son and looks hard at him, although I see a smile twinkle in the corner of her mouth. "Harmon Rabb junior! I thought I taught you not to play tricks on your parents!" That only makes Harm laugh harder and within moments even Mattie and his mother join in.

Of course Trish starts babbling and demands to be put up to speed on our ideas. Harm had hoped she would do that, since he assured me Trish knew half the world… probably. "Well, I think that sounds lovely. Have you got a special church in mind?" I have a strong urge to throw in, that Westminster would be way too big, just in case, but I can contain it… for now.

"Well, Mac and I were going to hit the internet and take a look at places. We wanted something with a history." Harm's mother draws up her eyebrows and squints her eyes at her son. "Uh… we thought it would fit… I mean we have a history, too." I almost laugh again. Harm's mother has the tendency to make him babbling like a nervous teenager with that look. It's hard to imagine that he would have that reaction… kinda like he reacts to me sometimes. I file that thought away for future reference as Trish goes on.

"If you haven't found a church yet, I would like to make a suggestion…" she lets that hang in the air and I feel Harm holding in his breath, ready to shoot down Westminster Abbey as a possible location. I bravely nod at her to continue.

"I know this chapel in Smithfield. It's over 900 years old. I think it would be perfect." Harm and I look at each other, but Trish is not stopped easily. "If you want we can go and take a look at it, if you don't like it, there are plenty of churches in this city that you'll be able to choose from." I think that sounds like a reasonable plan and we decide to take a tour to Smithfield after lunch.

**St Bartholomew-the-great**

**6 Kinghorn St.**

**City of London, UK**

**1329 local**

I watch Harm and Mac closely from the backseat as we approach the church. It's not as well known as some of the attractions in this city, but it would be perfect for a wedding. It's small as these old churches go and yet it has a long history.

"Wow!" comes from Mattie next to me, but she isn't the one who wants to get married although I suppose her word counts for at least something in this family. I know my son believes I want a big pompous wedding for him, but that's not the case. Although I know a couple people here and there and I probably COULD arrange for a wedding at Westminster Abbey I doubt that would be the right thing for Harm and his Marine. It wouldn't fit them at all.

This place has the beauty of a long history and the simplicity of Harm and Mac. They aren't ones for big and ostentatious. Harm has always had a strong dislike for big scenes although he's had his fair share of those in the line of his duty over the years. And from what he's told me about Mac and from what I've seen since I came here, she's very much like him in that.

"Trish this is beautiful. And the garden over there… this is amazing." The two get out of the car and I give Mattie a meaningful look. "Mattie, I think we can tick off finding a church on our list." She gives me that beaming smile and gets out on the other side, careful not to move too fast. Harm sees us getting out of the car and is immediately there to help Mattie who tells him in no uncertain terms that his help is appreciated but not needed, thank you very much. That girl is going to keep them on their toes for sure.

I watch as Harm takes Mac's hand and strolls around the church, trying the doors and finding them open. Mattie and I follow them a few feet behind so they can look and decide. While Mattie and I take a seat on one of the benches, my son and his girl make their way toward the front of the ancient cathedral and I can see them talking softly to each other, though I can't hear what they're saying… but my feeling tells me we won't go looking anywhere else.

The two of them keep exploring the place for a while, all the time talking softly to each other and both Mattie and I can only see their lips moving, even in this building that is made to have a great acoustic.

I always marvel at the simplicity of this place. It's roman in its interior, the blank walls without any paintings and golden trim that are so usual for churches. But this one is beautiful in its own way. The roman arcades stretch left and right the long Latin cross and surround the east end of the church. Even though this is a roman church it is relatively well lit, unlike many other cathedrals of that time. The windows high above the alter and along the sides make it inviting and cozy to be here.

They come back after about a quarter of an hour, both holding hands and smiling. Thought so… this was easy. Now I'll only have to get them to listen to me on the rest of their planning. But it won't hurt to play innocent for a little while. "So, have you decided?" Mac gives Harm a meaningful look and nods 'yes' "It's beautiful, Trish." So this is settled then. "It's really great mom, I think we should make an appointment with the person who's in charge around here and see what kind of dates are open for this summer."

I simply nod and smile at them. "I called ahead and asked for the local priest to be available if you had any questions." They stare at me as though I'd just grown a second head and I really have to fight the urge not to smack them both. I don't get to comment on their shock though, since Father O'Reiley introduces himself. "Patricia, it's wonderful to see you again."

My son looks like he just suffered a second shock. Well, I might have forgotten to tell them that Brian and I have known each other for years.

We hug and I introduce the rest of my family to him. Within half an hour Harm and Mac have settled the deal and Brian agrees to leave them the place for a few hours so they could celebrate their military wedding.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**2145 local**

Mac settles into my arms so we can cuddle for a bit before we go to sleep. It's really strange, since I never wanted to just hold a woman I shared my bed with. Sometimes the changes she brought in me scare the shit out of me, and then she's there, right beside me, where she belongs and these changes don't seem half as bad.

We talk about today's events and I have to admit mom sometimes seems freaky. I probably should have given her the benefit of the doubt, but I was so sure she would overdo it, now that her only son is getting married, but she surprised me once again. "Your mom is wonderful." Mac mumbles, her head resting on my chest. "Yeah she is. She pulled that chapel right out of her hat, like a wizard does a rabbit." Mac chuckles at my comparison but doesn't otherwise comment.

"She's an amazing woman." I slightly turn her so I can look at her without twisting my neck. "So are you, Sarah MacKenzie." An incredible woman that will be my wife in a couple of weeks. That thought is giving me both the greatest joy and the creeps at the same time.

"I think you should have given your mom a little credit though." Where the hell did that come from? I turn again to face her and she laughs at my incredulous expression… at least I bet my months pay on the fact that I'm wearing a pretty incredulous expression at the moment.

"Well, you said she would probably want you to get married at Westminster, and yet she knew this ancient chapel which I think is perfect for us." I have to give her that much. "Uh… I guess that was due to the fact that we told her of a small wedding from the beginning. Believe me I know my mother… she was envisioning the repetition of Charles and Lady Di to happen… and besides that: mom wants US to get married not me. I think she has adopted you pretty easily." That earns me a smile from Mac and I can't help but grin back at her.

There's another thing going through my mind that has nothing to do with the wedding and everything to do with Mac. I don't really know how to broach this, but I would really like to tell her about it.

"Mac?" she places her hand on top of my chest and lets it rest there before she answers. "I wanted to tell you that… well, although mom doesn't exactly know why we are both uncomfortable about her talking grandkids, she does know that… well…" I trail off, not able to phrase it.

I feel her stiffen next to me and I hold my breath when she doesn't answer right away. "I was wondering why she suddenly didn't mention it anymore." She whispers. "I'm sorry. I should have told you. I only told her that it would be difficult for us and that I would appreciate it, if she didn't go on and on about it all the time. She understood." I feel Mac nodding to me slightly, but she doesn't say anything further.

I know I'm babbling a bit, but I really am sorry for not telling her. Though I still think it's no big deal, after all I just told mum to ease up on us, that's all. "It's ok, Harm. In a way I'm grateful for it." I squeeze her close to me again and offer my silent support on what I know is very hard for her. Suddenly it dawns on me, that Mac could misunderstand everything and I feel the need to clarify things.

"Mac, you know that doesn't mean I've given up on that thought, right? I just didn't think mum putting that pressure upon us wouldn't help any." Mac's hand is drawing idle circles on my chest and stomach as though she was trying to soothe me. "I know! It's just that… we have to stay realistic, that's all."

"You know I've researched this after you first told me." Researched is understating the facts. I was obsessed with it for days after the Admiral's dining out, suspecting that we should try soon, if we wanted it to happen at all. Of course I didn't take into consideration that she was still mourning Webb, even though he turned up to be very alive and kicking in the end. And of course I didn't consider the fact that she would need some time to deal with the doctor's prognosis before she was ready to do anything else.

"I remember. You even came to me at the office and tried to tell me… sorry for shooting you down then. I know you meant well." I sigh deeply. Thinking back I was an insensitive asshole, really. I should have had enough sense to realize this would be a huge blow to her and that it wouldn't change anything if I suddenly decided to play her knight in shining armor.

"I'm still sorry for pressuring you like that. I should have known b…" She stops me with a finger on my lips. "No. You did what you thought was right. I was actually touched by it, because I could see that you were trying to be there for me. I just wasn't ready to accept that back then. I think I'm ready now."

She leans down and captures my lips in a tender, sweet kiss. It's nothing sexual, it's more like a thank-you, even though I don't know what for. I'm the lucky bastard here.

"I found some information on endometriosis, where couples were able to conceive with the help of a medication. I thought that… well…" I'm embarrassed about this. I lie here with the most beautiful woman, who has agreed to marry me, and I'm going to suggest that she take pills so we can have a child together.

But Mac is everything I need and then some and she leans in for another kiss and puts her hand back over my racing heart. "You thought what?" I clear my throat and take a deep breath. "I don't know… I thought maybe we should… you know, go see a doctor about this. You need to have yourself checked anyway right? And you haven't been to a doctor since we came to London." And this worries me, since I learned during my nights on the internet that checking in with a doctor regularly is essential in this.

She smiles at me. "I have an appointment Thursday next week." That takes me by surprise, because she never as much as breathed a syllable. "Don't look so stunned. I arranged for that appointment a couple days after we came to London. They had a lot to do though and couldn't fit me in immediately. The doctor in charge here contacted my doctor at Bethesda and they told me it wouldn't matter much if the check-up was a week later than originally scheduled by the people at Bethesda."

"Oh!" She grins down at me again. I guess another obstacle was successfully tackled. Once Mac's hand on my chest starts drawing sensual circles I know this talk is over and there are more important things to do right now. My last coherent thought is that I'll never get enough of her.


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**Roberts' residence**

**1621 local**

For once in my life I'm running late. Six minutes and counting when I ring the bell at Bud's and Harriet's quarters. I'm glad they have finally found a place other than this. The apartments on base are ok for a while, but with four kids running around the place, you really need more space.

Harriet opens the door with a crying twin on her arm and a dishtowel slung over her other shoulder, while she cradles the phone between her other shoulder and her cheek. It amazes me how she manages sometimes. Maybe that organizing talent is in her DNA or something. Who knows?

I promised Harriet to help her pack a couple boxes while Harm and Bud attend a conference together that will take until late into the evening. Just as well. Mattie is out with Trish for the afternoon and that would leave me to an entirely empty house. Besides I can chat with Harriet for a bit and we haven't really had time to do this recently.

I take the baby boy out of her hand and try the prepared bottle that sits on the counter while Harriet rambles on about something with the other person on the phone. I'm really sorry for whoever is on the other side of that conversation, because Harriet sure gives them a run for their money. The experience with planning the USO tour a couple years back has really sharpened her persuasive skills.

I'm glad that my young charge is so eager for his bottle that he drinks happily and stopped fussing. I'm even more amazed, that as time goes on, he seems to drink himself to sleep. I can literally watch how his eyelids droop more and more, until the rubber end of the bottle finally slips out of his tiny mouth and he breathes deeply.

"That's amazing" I smile down at the little one and Harriet comes up to me and smiles down at her youngest son as well. "It is, isn't it?" She motions for me to follow her and we put the boy into his crib in the living room, before we start our work

We are almost 37 minutes into our work, when she finally drops the question I know she's been dying to ask. "So how are you and Harm doing?" I know what she means and I feel a slight blush creep up my cheeks. Before I can answer she smiles at me. "I thought so!"

That shocks me though. "What do you mean?" That earns me a heartfelt laugh from my friend. "Mac, come on… you know what I mean." Yeah I do, but a girl can always try right?

"Well, we certainly made some progress recently." And I'm NOT going to tell her that we have finally graduated to taking our relationship to an intimate level. "Ah, thought so. No more brother-sister relationship. I saw that when you entered the house. Besides, Bud said something about Captain Rabb a couple days ago… you know that he looked like he…" That almost makes me choke. "Harriet!" Instead of looking sheepishly at me, she gives me a huge smile and almost bursts out laughing.

"No, seriously. I think it's great that you seem to be working through everything." I nod at that, remembering our numerous talks and how each one of them made me feel more and more at peace. "We had quite a few fights though. One of us would always explode at one point or another."

She gives me that motherly smile and for a short moment I really want to smack her. It's so unbelievable that she would have that motherly aura even though she is a good few years younger than I am. "Well, that's only understandable. You two have quite a history together after all." She seems to be saying this more to herself than to me, but she's right anyway.

There is some mirth in her eyes for a moment, but it's gone as quickly as it came and the concerned friend that Harriet is, is back. "Don't worry. Bud and I didn't have the history you two have when we got together, but we fought, too. I used to be horribly jealous of any woman he even talked to." She waves her hand in the air as though that was so long ago, but it isn't. I remember very well how she behaved after Bud had made that topless-beach comment to Gunny while he was in Australia… or the female Corporal who wanted to be admitted to OCS.

I smile at her and we continue our wrapping. It kind of startles me that they managed to unpack all this stuff. Harm and I made sure to only unpack what we'd immediately need. But I suppose with four kids you need quite a lot immediately.

"So, will you need some help picking out a dress soon?" Harriet makes the question sound casually, but I know she is anxious to hear the answer. And to be honest I'm anxious to tell her. "The date is August 20th." I bite my lip, not knowing how Harriet will react to this.

But she wouldn't be Harriet if she didn't jump my bones and hugged me tight. "This is so wonderful. Congratulations!" She is actually crying over this and from her silly grin one could think she's the one getting married.

"Well, what are we doing still here? Get your stuff, I'll call a baby sitter." Uh huh? Harriet rushes off to where I suppose she will find the phone and I still stand rooted to the same spot.

Five minuets later she bustles into the living room again and finds me glued to the spot. "The babysitter will be here in a couple minutes. Thank god for neighborhood teenage girls. Mac?"

"You want to go pick a dress now? I thought we were going to wrap up your living room?" Harriet dismisses that with another wave of her hand. "Forget the living room. We've got more important things to do now." I frown at her eagerness. "You really want to leave four kids with a teenager?"

Harriet grins at me. "Not really. Andrea will bring her boyfriend over and they are both pretty good with the kids. Little AJ and Jimmy just love Marc and Andrea has 3 younger siblings, so she is used to child-watching. Her mum is right next door so there won't be any trouble. Bud and I have taken advantage of their services a couple times now. And besides that, this is very educational. Looking after four of mine will hopefully cure them of producing any of their own any time soon… at least that's what Andrea's mum says." 

I smile at that. Leave it to Harriet to organize everything to the last bit. She moves behind me and practically shoves me toward the door and when we open it, a young man of about 16 or 17 and a girl the same age meet us. "Thank you for jumping in, guys. This really is an emergency. I've left you a note on the kitchen counter. Nicky and her brother just had their bottle, so they should stay out of your hair for a while." Harriet reminds them to call her in case they have a problem and off we head towards my car.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**2016 local**

When I enter the house, the living room lights are turned on, but I don't see Harm's Lexus anywhere, so I suppose Mattie is watching TV or something. Laughter drafts through the doors and I smile to myself when I hear Trish talking about Harm as a kid. I listen to the story of how Harm tried to teach the dog to close doors and laugh. Trish has told me the story too, and every time it seems to get better and better. I can just picture a young Harm trying to get a cocker spaniel to do his bidding. Sometimes he has the patience of a saint… especially when it comes to relationships. My lips twist into a rueful smile at that and I sigh. It wasn't his fault alone that it took us all of nine years to get where we are today.

Trish spots me first and smiles at me before getting up and hugging me 'hello'. "I see you two had quite a blast." Mattie grins at me and gives Trish a wink. "Trish provided me with ammo against Harm." Trish bursts into laughter and I join soon after. It's good to see Mattie laugh again.

"So how was packing at Bud and Harriet's?" This time it's me who grins devilishly. "We didn't get much wrapped because we decided on another activity." At their surprised stares I add "We went looking for a dress." I hold my breath for a moment, because I'm not sure how Trish is going to react to this. Maybe she thought it's her job as the groom's mother or something.

"That's wonderful, Mac. Did you find anything?" Well, obviously I needn't have worried. "We only went looking today. I tried on a few, but nothing felt really right so far." I go on explaining to them that, while I don't want to wear a simple floor-length gown, I don't want a fully fluffed dress either. Especially since I was married before I don't want a big fluffy dress.

Trish surprises me again. "You know I remember when I went to buy my dress… it felt like my friend Carla was making me try on every dress in the shop. And it took me ages to find the perfect one for me."

She looks at me with what I always thought a mother's love and suddenly I feel bad for not taking her with me. "I should have called and asked you two along. It was just… Harriet and I were wrapping stuff in her living room and I told her that we had set a date for the wedding and all of a sudden she dragged me out and into the city. Next thing I knew I was trying on a dress!" I shake my head at myself.

But Trish holds up a hand to stop me from going on. "Mac… Sarah…don't apologize. It's fine, really. When I was preparing to marry Harm's father the last thing I wanted was for grandma Sarah to accompany me on my hunt for a dress. Maybe that's the wrong word, but… unless you specifically ask for my assistance, I do think choosing a gown is the bride's responsibility and it's the matron of honors job to help her in that." She puts a hand on my shoulder and smiles down at me.

"Besides that, Mattie and I will be busy with those invitation cards you put us in charge with. They need to be shipped out soon, or nobody will be at the ceremony." With that she grins at Mattie who gives her one of her bright grins. If I didn't know better I'd swear she got that grin from Harm…Does DNA change due to association with squids? I shake my head, better not to go into that.

"Don't look that disappointed at me, Mac. I really don't need to be dragged from one bridal shop to the next and watch you peel on and off dresses." She shudders for effect and I just have to smile. "What? Do you have any idea how many bridal shops this city has? And I'm sure Harriet will drag you to each and every one of them without mercy."

**London Bride & Groom**

**203 Walworth Road**

**London, UK**

**1639 local**

I swear I'm going nuts with this woman. Aren't people in the military supposed to take orders? And aren't Marines famous for not complaining? This particular Marine has been doing nothing but ever since we started dress-shopping this morning. Not even four kids could prepare me for the bitching and complaining I've gotten today.

And is it my fault that all the dresses in here look just like a dream? And the other shops too? Seeing these dresses makes me want to get married all over again, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Mac turns around for me and the attendant with a less than enthusiastic expression and… does she look bored? "Harriet, this is not going to work. Honestly it makes me look like a drop-out of a 50s movie." Why am I not surprised at the comment? "Ma'am, you look beautiful in it." Thank god, the attendant agrees with me.

"No, Harriet. Really, this is NOT going to be my wedding dress!" Well, at least she has that side of being a Marine down to perfection. I already started to miss her 'don't-you-dare-fuck-with-me' tone of voice.

"Ok, Mac… we'll try another one!" Mac glares at me and I suppose I shouldn't have said that out loud. "Well, if you don't want to get married in a cocktail dress or something, we will need to find you a dress!" Mac just keeps glaring at me as if it was my fault.

"May I make a suggestion Ma'am?" The attendant interrupts us gently but sternly, probably seeing just as much of a point in this as I do. "Why don't we take a moment to sit down and talk about what you would like in a wedding dress and then we will try to find that in what we have here?" Thank God for reason! That's the first smart thing the attendant has said so far.

"Good, if that means I don't have to try on the whole shop that's fine with me." Mac chucks off the dress she's currently trying on and throws over her blouse and slips into her jeans again.

We sit together around the small round table they have at the far corner of the store and the attendant, Margaret, takes out a notepad and a pen to scribble down what Mac suggests. We both turn to the bride-to-be in expectation and Mac seems to think about it for a moment.

"Ok… here goes. I'd like a typical wedding dress, but simple, not fluffy and lacy and I don't want a trail. It shouldn't be too wide at the bottom and it should hug me nicely, but not in a way that the guys start drooling or anything…oh and I don't want it to be white… do you have something burgundy or dark red?..." she trails off and looks kind of apologetically at Margaret who seems to be irritated by the choice of color.

"Her fiancé will be wearing his dress whites, Ma'am!" I jump in and then Margaret forms a slight 'oh' with her mouth, but puts a hand on Mac's shoulder and smiles. "I think I might have something for you then."

She returns only minutes later with a dress that almost takes my breath away. Without seeing Mac in it, I know this is the one. And sure enough, Mac touches it in awe and this time she doesn't even complain about having to put it on.

When she comes out of her changing room, I hold my breath. I know she said she doesn't want the guys to drool, but I know at least one Navy Captain who will drool his way through the ceremony. Margaret steps up behind her to the mirror and puts her hands on Mac's shoulders. "I suppose we can start the fitting then?" It isn't so much a question but more a statement.


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**Roberts' residence**

**1930 local**

We just enter the apartment when Marc and Andrea put the Roberts kids to bed. From the looks of it, everyone had a good time, especially Andrea and Marc. The kids seem to be exhausted and AJ and Jimmy insist that I read them a story instead of their mum. Well… no weapons against the puppy eyes of two 6 and 2 year olds.

I choose the story of 'Quentin the hero bear' and before long, both boys are fast asleep. I chuckle at AJ who still likes to hear these stories, even though in daylight he would claim they are sooo uncool.

I'm still looking down at the boys who peacefully sleep in their beds and I just can't resist brushing the hair out of AJ's face before straightening up. Harriet leans against the doorframe, her arms crossed over her chest and smiles at me. "I wish they were that fast asleep when I'm on story-reading-duty." I take a last look at Jimmy and chuckle at Harriet's words.

"Harriet, they were exhausted. Whatever the babysitters did must have worn them out completely." We close the door and go to look after the twins in the other room, where I cover up little Nicky in her crib. "You are very good with them." Harriet says when we leave the kids alone for the time being. I don't know what to answer to that. The sadness I feel about this particular topic put a lump in my throat that I have a hard time swallowing around.

"Don't worry, now that you and the Captain have decided to get married, you'll probably soon have your own baby boy or baby girl to take care of." She smiles at me, but I can't return it. I don't know how to react. It was difficult with Harm's mum and I had never met her before. This is Harriet, one of my best friends.

I turn around and walk over to the window, a desperate need to wrap my arms around my upper body to feel the protection it offers. "Mac?" Harriet's voice is so far away when my thoughts drift to the dream I once had, the dream of Harm and me and a little person we had created with his looks and my brains, Harm pushing the little one on the swing like he has done hundreds of times for little AJ or us fighting over whether he or she will say 'mummy' or 'daddy' first.

"Mac? Are you alright?" Harriet seems to be right behind me, but I don't want to turn around and face her. She has everything I always wanted and a part of me resents her for that happiness. And I can't let her see that, no matter what. She doesn't deserve my resentment over something like this. It's not her fault that Harm and I waited until it was too late.

Her hands on my shoulders slowly turn me around to face her, gently but firmly. I just can't look into her eyes. "Mac? What happened?" Ha, what happened? Nothing happened and probably nothing ever will. "It's nothing Harriet. I'm ok, really. I just needed a moment." Maybe if I can convince her she'll leave it alone, leave me alone.

But Harriet has no intention to let it go. "Yeah, right. And pigs can fly!" She steers me to the living room and pushes me down onto the sofa, before she disappears into the kitchen. I search my mind frantically for something I could tell her that would explain my earlier behavior but I already know there isn't anything, really.

Harriet is back in a flash, carrying two steaming mugs of cocoa, handing me mine before sitting down next to me on the couch.

She would have made a great lawyer, I give her that. Harriet will always stay Harriet and her curiosity will always be a big character trait of hers. But so is patience and determination. All these are attributes an officer of the court needs… and a mother I suppose. But I know there is no way she's going to let me off the hook unless I feed her something she will believe.

A nagging voice inside my head tells me, that it is high time I talk about it with someone besides Harm or my doctors. "You remember the day little AJ was born?" She looks at me like I was asking whether or not she was capable of reading and writing. Of course a mother would remember the day she gave birth to her child.

"When you and Bud left on the ambulance, Harm and I were standing there, just outside JAG headquarters." I look at her to see if she can follow, which is ridiculous again, considering I haven't yet told her anything horribly complicated.

"Anyway, we stood there on the front steps and…with everything going on at the time… and the miracle we had just witnessed…" I take a deep breath and try to sort my words. "We were both overwhelmed, I guess."

Harriet waves a hand. "Don't remind me. You don't give birth to your child in an Admiral's office with said Admiral acting as your midwife, very often." We both share a laugh at that. Yeah, AJ Chegwidden had some interesting hidden talents. "So what happened next?"

I wonder why she knows something had happened after that at all, but maybe that's just her instincts. Again, she would have made one hell of a lawyer. "Harm and I watched you and baby AJ be loaded into the ambulance and we laughed at Bud fussing over both of you, telling the paramedics that they should be careful with his son and all."

I'm skidding round the issue here, but this is not going to be easy. Harriet gives me a small smile and shakes her head. "I can't even remember that. I suppose I was too far gone and exhausted." I nod and stare at the far wall for a moment, where Bud and Harriet keep all the family photos. There are pictures of all of them together, there's a baby picture of AJ and another one of Jimmy. And there, among all the others there is one picture that would always draw my attention to it, no matter how hidden it was between the other framed photos. Harm and I, at AJ's christening, holding our new godson proudly into the camera. If I didn't know better, I could easily think the baby boy cradled in my arms is our child. But he isn't.

"Do you remember all the things going on at that time?" Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. If she does, it would give me an opening. But Harriet simply nods. "It's hard not to. Even being pregnant doesn't keep you from noticing a few goings on… Captain Rabb wanted to go back to flying, then there was the murder trial for your husband and I think I can remember something about Chloe going away to live with her father or something."

I simply nod. "At the time I felt kind of… left out? Alone? I don't really know how to call it. That day… after marveling at AJ's birth, Harm and I promised each other something." I look down at my hands and fiddle with my engagement ring. It's funny how your hands try to occupy themselves in situations like these.

"We promised each other a child in the future… If five years from that moment on, both of us were still single, we would make it happen together." Harriet draws in a harsh breath. "Wow!" Yeah, kinda freaky huh? Agreeing on a baby like it was a bargaining deal or something. But I now know he honestly meant it.

"That's a joke, right?" She gives me this insecure little smile, hoping I'm having her on, even though she probably knows better than that. "At the time I thought it was but… Harm was very serious. And if I had admitted it to myself… so was I."

Harriet seems to be pondering the news for a moment. I can almost see how the little wheels inside her head turn and turn and I can see the second she has made the connection. "But AJ is six now." I nod sharply. "Well… I guess with the way things were between you last year… it's understandable that you wanted to wait."

"It wasn't the only reason." I whisper. "At the Admiral's dining out… we had a talk and Harm tried to comfort me about Webb's death." We spent the biggest part of the evening outside, talking. "I think Harm wanted to cheer me up by brining up the baby deal and telling me that that same week we had… sort of an anniversary. It was the week of little AJ's fifth birthday."

I swallow hard again. "That day I had a procedure done because I had had constant back pain for weeks. Only it didn't come from my back…" My voice trails off but it had only been a whisper before anyway. Facing the facts is hard enough, sharing them with the man you love is near to impossible and telling them to my best friend, who just happens to be a happy mother, is practically choking the air out of my lungs.

Harriet grabs my hand and tries to offer silent support. I appreciate the gesture, but if I didn't see it, I wouldn't feel it. My hands are numb, as is most of the rest of me. "The diagnosis was scar tissue in my uterus, which caused the pain. As it was quite progressed they removed most of the scarring and they assured me it wasn't cancer." I see Harriet's hand squeeze mine, again I don't really feel it.

"Well, that is good news, isn't it?" In other circumstances she might be right. And yeah, I will admit that it was a relief when they told me that it wasn't cancer. "In a way…" I can't stand to be on the couch, sitting there with Harriet's worried look right in front of me. I pace around the couch and walk over to the window again, looking out on the front lawn.

I wrap my arms around myself, suddenly feeling very cold. "They said that the chances of me conceiving are less than 5 percent." I close my eyes, fighting against the tears that threaten to fall. This is different from talking to Harm. I know how much he wants a family, how badly he wants one with me.

Harriet doesn't respond. I put my head in my hand, willing the tears not to fall. I haven't cried over this in a long time now, but now seems like it is inevitable. Harriet comes up behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders. "I'm sorry!"

**R.A.F. West Ruislip**

**Greater London, UK**

**MOQ base housing**

**Roberts' residence**

**2049 local**

I sit on the armchair looking at what used to be my superior officer. She always seemed so strong, so unbreakable. Sure I learned a long time ago, that the famous Lieutenant Colonel and the Captain were neither saints nor had they superhuman strength. The breakdown now does surprise me though.

Mac is not likely to forgive herself this lapse in behavior. She will be furious with herself once she wakes up. I'm glad that she finally fell asleep though, she needs the rest even if it will be for just a couple minutes.

The news she shared with me tonight must weigh heavily on her mind. I always sensed some sort of change in her behavior towards my children ever since last summer, but I never would have guessed this. Does she resent me and Bud for our family? Does she resent me for having four wonderful children? I doubt that. She may be a bit jealous, but she doesn't resent me. You don't tell this kind of thing to a person you hate.

She stirs and suddenly bolts right up, looking at me in shock. "I'm sorry… I didn't want to fall asleep on you." I hand her the second cup of hot cocoa I made and let her take a good sip. "You're welcome, Mac." I feel it inappropriate to call her Ma'am in a situation like this.

She turns around to let her feet hang off the couch and drinks her cocoa silently. I know she is embarrassed by her earlier behavior but that's not what concerns me. I know how damning a diagnose like this could be. A similar condition has, after all, lost me my first baby girl. A girl that was named after the woman sitting in front of me.

"Ma'am… Mac… have you talked to another doctor about this?" She shakes her head 'no'. I take a deep breath to start. "When I had baby Sarah I was told that another pregnancy might not be possible. She wasn't the first miscarriage I had experienced. Now… this may sound stupid or pointless to you but… I talked to other doctors, asked for their opinion and you can see the results for yourself." She swallows and nods.

"It's just that we both want a family so bad…" I know that. God how couldn't I know that. Harm and Mac are practically born to be parents. I know I'm gambling here, but with as gentle a voice as I can muster, I try to soothe those fears. "I don't know what your plans are, but go and see someone about this. Whatever your condition, modern medicine can do a lot. There are specialists for this kind of thing and I'm fairly certain that there is at least one in London or the London area."

She gives a nervous laugh at that and looks at me through her eyelashes. "Harm said something similar." I reach over and pat her hand in reassurance. "The Captain is a smart man, Mac."

**Dr****. Lauden's office**

**Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital  
>Stadium Road<strong>

**London, UK**

**0831 local**

Mac has been squirming in her chair for the last ten minutes, well ever since we set foot in this place. She didn't want me to accompany her at first, saying that she had been to doctor's visits numerous times without anyone accompanying her there. I wormed my way into this, telling her it would make me feel better to be there, instead of waiting on word at the office.

That's only partially true. Sure I really want to know, but even more so I want to be there for her no matter what the doctor says.

She went here for testing yesterday and the doctor only told us that her Endometriosis is still there but hasn't progressed, if anything her condition has slightly improved since her operation last summer. That gave us a good feeling, even though the doctor told us that he can only make a full assessment once he had all the data from the checkup.

The door opens and the tall doctor walks in and shakes our hands. I want to read his expression but he is either a good actor or he is so used to this kind of thing that it doesn't bother him any more.

"Miss MacKenzie, Captain" he opens the folder on his desk and reads over the contents again. I feel the slight urge to tell him to do that outside on the corridor before entering his office where his patients were waiting on news, because this is really nerve wracking.

"Ok, Miss MacKenzie. As I told you yesterday, the Endometriosis has not progressed, which is a good thing. Given your age and the severity of your condition, that is very good news. I confirmed with my colleague at Bethesda who comes to the same conclusion I did, namely that your situation has improved slightly which is probably a result of the medication you've been on and the procedure you underwent last year. There are even studies which showed that surgery in cases like this doubles the fecundity."

Well, so far that is good news. "So, what does that mean?" I want to kiss Mac. She doesn't want him to beat around the bush and instead cut the crap. I silently congratulate her on that.

"Well, I'm afraid I'm not the right person to ask in this case. I do however have a colleague who specializes in cases such as yours and if you are interested I would personally see to it, that she will fit you into her schedule as soon as possible. In fact I took the liberty of making you an appointment for later today. If it's inconvenient for you, you can always cancel and reschedule for the other slot she kept open for you tomorrow."

I look at Mac who gives me a worried look and I share that feeling. "Doctor Lauden, is there any chance that Mac can conceive at all?" Doctor Lauden leans back in his chair and considers this for a second. "Well, Captain. As my colleague at Bethesda has probably already told you, conception in Miss MacKenzies case is going to be more difficult than for other women. And, I don't want to seem too optimistic, but I don't see why it shouldn't be possible at all, though as I said, with difficulty. It might take longer and need more attempts than in other cases. But as I said, I'm not an expert."

We thank him and I have a slightly better feeling than I had when I came in here, and one look at Mac tells me she obviously feels the same.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**2202 local**

Mac snuggles up to me and we both need to catch our breath for a while. Each time we make love, it just gets better and even more intimate… if that makes sense. I will never understand how I went without her touch for so long. God knows I wouldn't be able to live without her in my arms at night anymore.

After today's events she is most likely very tired. In fact, so am I, but I know I wont be able to sleep yet. Doctor McPherson gave Mac another examination and came to the conclusion that, while the original diagnosis wasn't wrong, the prognosis of us becoming parents is actually slightly better than we thought.

When she announced that Mac should take medication in order to help her conceive a child, I was on full alert though. I would love nothing better than to see her pregnant with my baby, for her sake as much as mine. I know how important a family always was to her and I can't shake the knowledge, that we would already have that if I had reacted on my feelings towards her when I first realized I had them.

I didn't want Mac to take any medication that would endanger her, or make her uncomfortable, because, as much as I love the idea of a child of our own, I fear the prospect of loosing Mac even more. Doctor McPherson assured us though, that the prescribed medication would not endanger Mac's health and would only stimulate ovulation instead. She even explained to us, that stimulated ovulation might cause multiple pregnancy but she considered that to be negligible under the given circumstances.

Looking down at her lets me recall the last couple months. If someone had told me around New Years, that I would hold her in my arms, in a home we were creating together and that I would plan my wedding to her, I would have called for an ambulance to have that person shipped off to the next psychiatry.

I just hope that we wont need in-vitro-fertilization to make our dream complete. Actually in a way it already is complete. A baby would only be the icing of a cake. I knew when this started that we might not be among the lucky ones where that is concerned. But that doesn't mean I won't try anything in my power to make it happen.

Mac and I have an agreement though. Doctor McPherson lectured us not to pressure us or each other. The last thing we need is pressure. So we made each other promise that we wouldn't go buying pregnancy tests every month. If it happens, it happens and it will be God's decision of when and how it will happen. I still don't know how to deal with her the next time that time of the month comes when things get messy and she might have to realize that she isn't pregnant yet. I suppose only time will tell, right?

I lean over and brush my lips softly to her temple. A smile spreads across her face and she snuggles closer than she was I finally settle down into the covers and let her slow, even breathing lull me to sleep.

**Eastcote D.O.E complex**

**London, UK**

**1003 local**

I see Coates in the outer office and silently congratulate Rabb on the choice. I've heard Roberts is here as well and that gives me a good feeling. Rabb needs someone to keep him out of trouble, God knows he can find it anywhere, probably even in a calm bathtub.

I want to walk over to Coates' desk and announce myself when a joyous voice stops me from behind. "Admiral? Is that you?" I turn around and sure enough, Lieutenant Commander Bud Roberts walks up to me, a silly grin on his face.

"I don't know about the Admiral, son, but it's me alright." I shake his hand and clap his shoulder. The boy has come a long way and he deserves this position like nobody else that served under my command that I know of. "It's good to see you, Bud."

He has changed over the years. The clumsy yet smart young law student I once met has become one of the finest officers that ever served under me and he is one hell of a litigator. "It's good to see you, sir! Captain Rabb will be so glad to see you." I give him a smile. I wouldn't bet too much money on that. But it's good to see that the enthusiasm by which Bud used to live his life is still very much present.

"I'll show you to the Captain's office, sir." I turn around and pat him on the shoulder. "I'm nobody's commanding officer anymore, son. You might as well start calling me AJ." I almost laugh at the incredulous look that earns me. Some things never change. I could have found my way over to Coates' desk easily but I don't have the heart to turn Roberts down.

"Petty Officer, there's someone who would like to visit with Captain Rabb." Bud announces me and once she looks up, a huge grin splits her face in two. "Admiral! It's good to see you. How have you been?" We shake hands as well and Coates simply can't stop grinning like a fool.

"Sorry, sir. We weren't expecting you for another week and a half." I bet they didn't. Just as well. "I had some business here in London. It's good to see you Coates. I take it he hasn't driven you crazy yet?" We both know whom I'm talking about. "Plenty of times, sir, but after I served you and then General Cresswell, babysitting Captain Rabb is a piece of cake…uh, I didn't mean that, sir." Like hell she didn't. I try to stare her down like I used to, but of course I'm no longer her boss. She squirms anyway. Good to see it still works then. "Just announce me, Coates." I try to put in my best gruff command voice.

"Yes, sir, as soon as the Captain's off the phone." Guess my authority only goes so far then.

When I finally enter the office of the Force Judge Advocate of Europe, I'm instantly reminded of my office back in Falls Church. It's cozy and Rabb has certainly given it his personal touch. There's his flight helmet on one file cabinet, his yellow Stearman on another and various pictures of Tomcats and the like scattered around.

"Admiral?" He gets up from his chair and walks towards me, hand outstretched to greet me. "We didn't expect you for another couple days, sir." He motions for me to take a seat and joins me in front of his desk. "You look good, sir!" His welcome is friendly, but slightly reserved as well.

I play along for a while. "Well, it has been refreshing not to worry over what stunts my people will pull next." For a moment I give him my stern superior look but I can't hold it long. It's good to see him and maybe we can mend a few things in the upcoming days, though I doubt it is that easy. "And… not to have the SECNAV breathe down my neck is quite a relief as well." He chuckles at that… probably remembering his own arguments with both Secretary Nelson and Secretary Sheffield.

I look around again and take in the wood panels and distinct Navy atmosphere of the room, the dark leather chairs in front of his desk and the piles of paperwork on it. "I see you still haven't lost your decorating habits." He frowns slightly and follows my gaze to his model Stearman before her retorts. "I can remember someone having a baseball sitting on his desk." He winks at me and I chuckle back. We leave it at that.

"Anyway, I just wanted to check in on you in your new office. Congratulations on your promotion, Harm. It's been a long time coming…" I look closely at him to make sure he understands me. "And the promotion's not the only thing that's been coming for a long time." I wink at him and he gives me that satisfied, faraway smile he always got when Mac was concerned. I never really noticed it before. "Maybe not." He says softly.

"Well, I should get going and not keep you from your work, Captain. We'll talk another time." I rise from my chair and so does he. "Admiral, if you would like, we could get together for a couple beers tonight or something. Or you could come to our place. I'm sure Mac would love to see you, too." I grimace at that. 'Mac would love to…' not 'Mac and I…'. But that's neither here nor there. "I'm sorry Harm. I've got dinner with Francesca for tonight. She's here on an exhibition." And there's no way I'm going to miss dinner with my daughter now that we've gotten closer.

For a moment I think I see disappointment in his features and the situation becomes awkward. Maybe I shouldn't have come here after all. "But I'm free tomorrow night. We can grab a stout or two then." Rabb only nods and looks like he is game to the idea. "Call my office, sir… or at the house. Coates will give the address and phone number to you on the way out."

We say our goodbyes and I walk over to the door when he makes a move to accompany me there. "Captain, I've found my way out of way more difficult places. I'm sure I can spot the door of your office on my own." He chuckles again and moves behind his desk again, but still hovering, not sitting down.

"You look good behind that desk, Harm." Now he chuckles more loudly. "Yeah… right! Because I was so cut out to shovel paperwork back and forth." Now it's my turn to grin.

On my way out I bump into Roberts again. "Admiral, I hope you and Captain Rabb had a nice chat." I smile at him and ask him to meet me for a beer sometime this week. But he brushes it off and instead invites me over for dinner on Thursday. "Are you sure Harriet won't mind with the kids and all?"

The Bud Roberts I met so long ago would have started an insecure stammering now. But the young man in front of me has outgrown most of his clumsiness and shakes his head. "Harriet will be so excited. Besides, you haven't met Nicky and her baby brother yet, sir. We would be very glad to have you." I thank him and pat his shoulder again. "Back to work, Commander, or your boss is gonna drown in paperwork."

Bud sighs. "Well sir, he's drowning in it because he keeps ranting and complaining about it instead of just getting to it." We both turn around to find Coates standing there with an armful of files. "Coates, I see neither Cresswell nor Rabb have made you loose your talent of sneaking up on people?"

Instead of looking sheepish she just gives me that know-it-all-look that used to drive me up a wall and smiles. "I always thought that's why they kept me. After all your best friend is not the one who says what you want to hear but the thing that needs to be said." That makes my blood boil for a moment and she has at least the decency to look like the kid with the hand in the cookie jar. "I think I should really see to it that these files find their way to their destination. It's been a pleasure to meet you, sir." She ducks and walks away in a fast stride and I shake myself.

**The Trafalgar Tavern**

**Park Row, Greenwich **

**London, UK**

**1932 local**

I enter the pub and see him sitting there at the bar. I'm almost on time, just slightly late as always. When he spots me he checks his watch and shakes his head slightly, no doubt about me.

"Evening, Admiral." We shake hands and I order a beer for me, he's already nursing his. "Nice you could make it, Harm." I slip onto the barstool next to him but he motions for me not to. "Let's get to a more comfortable place." I nod and for a moment I wonder why we would need any privacy. AJ Chegwidden and I certainly don't need any privacy to have a chat.

To be honest, even though I invited him to have a beer or two with me I still don't know what to talk about with the man. There was a time when we were friends or not far away from being friends anyway. That, too, seems like another lifetime now.

We sit down in a booth to the back and I'm grateful that the waitress brings the beer just as we get comfortable. Chegwidden looks at me and raises his glass. "To what should we drink Harm?" I raise mine, too and wonder the same thing. "Your promotion?" I smile at that. "The future, sir." He nods and we clink glasses before we both take a swig.

"A good choice, Harm." I nod at that. "Yes, sir." He frowns for a moment. "Loose the 'sir' and call me AJ. I haven't been anyone's CO for a while now." He puts down his beer and regards me for a moment. "I know I said it at the office but… congratulations, Harm. I'm really happy for you." It sounds sincere and I give him the obligatory 'thank you'.

"So, how is it to lead your own command for the first time?" I grin at that. I had silently been waiting for that question. "It's trying AJ. But it's an interesting challenge. I have good people working for me and Bud's been a great help." He takes another swig from his beer. "I bet he is. Another good choice, Harm. You need someone to keep you in line." We both smile at that. I certainly have people who keep me in line, though they are both female. Of course I'd never willingly admit that out loud.

"I heard it through scuttlebutt from friends at the SECNAV's office. I wasn't on the promotion board of course, but when I heard about you making Captain, I was damn proud of you." Now that is a surprise. "Sir?"

He rolls his eyes at me in annoyance. "I thought I just told you to loose the 'sir'." But his eyes betray his mirth and a small smile plays around his lips. "Sorry, AJ. I didn't know you still had contacts that far in." He waves again. "You never really leave the Navy, Harm. You know that. And I still got a couple friends at the Pentagon and on the hill. I always knew you had it in you and that board couldn't have found anyone more suitable."

A bitter feeling creeps up inside me and I chuckle. "I'm surprised to hear that, AJ. After all I'm … what did you call me? … not a team player with a lack of dependability, someone who never considers the greater picture and according to you I'm completely driven by my emotions. I actually remember you telling me to drive a cab or wrestle with crocodiles." I shake my head slightly, remembering the bitter and angry words all too well.

But Chegwidden holds up a hand to stop me, even though I don't have anything further to say at the moment. "And you know that all of this is true. It is what annoys your superior officers the most, but at the same time it made you one of the best attorneys I've ever met and a damn fine officer. Your biggest strength is also your greatest weakness. Admit it Harm… you have pulled more than one stunt solely on emotion."

I snort bitterly. "And you've always welcomed the outcomes of these, if I'm not mistaken." I take another swig from my beer. How did we get to this topic anyway? I didn't come here to pick a fight or anything. And I'm certain he didn't either.

"I never approved of you recklessly endangering people, Rabb!" He draws in a deep breath. "When you came to my office, practically demanding that I send you to Paraguay after Mac, I didn't mean to keep you away from her. I meant to keep you away from putting yourself into grave and unknown danger. You had no plan whatsoever other than to get her back. You were reacting on pure emotion. It was my job as your commanding officer and as a friend to keep you in line."

I know he is right. Rationally anyway. And on a rational level I can accept that. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. "There was a time when you would not only have let me go, you would have come with me." That seems to stop him short. He squints his eyes at me and simply stares for a minute. He won't openly admit it, but he knows I'm right. He did nothing much different when we were trying to get his daughter back from that mafia guy a couple years ago. And somehow that leaves an even worse taste in my mouth, because I didn't bat an eyelash when it was a life of someone he loved on the line.

"I won't apologize for bringing Mac back, AJ. It was the right thing to do. As a SEAL you should know about taking care of your partner. And you're wrong about the plan, too. I did have one. The plan was to find her and get the hell out of there before anything could happen to her."

He chuckles, or is it a snort? "That's not a plan, Harm. You didn't know where she was being held, or if she was even still alive. You didn't even have back-up until Galindez found you. And as for the other… Maybe I deserve that. Maybe I could have done more. I shouldn't even have allowed her to go at all. But she wanted to accompany Webb, knowing full well how dangerous it would be. And when she was reported missing I knew you would try to move hell to get to her. I just expected you to accept a direct order to stand down."

He sighs heavily. "Of course I should have known that you'd see red. Do you think I didn't know that you were in love wit her? And that you had been for years? And don't forget knew you for a while, knew how you would react. I should have known you'd hand in your resignation though; after all you'd have done it for your brother if Webb hadn't intervened."

I shake my head vehemently at his comment. "What was I supposed to do? Wait until they shipped her body home in a bag, if at all? To me it looked like nobody gave a damn, at least not enough to do anything about it. What was the greater picture AJ? Let her die and rot down there, so Webb's people wouldn't be embarrassed?" My voice is getting louder and I take another deep breath to calm down some again. I stop myself from accusing him of not giving a damn about Mac either. It wouldn't be true anyway. He might have treated me like an idiot that day, but I know he always cared about Mac.

"I'll tell you what they would have done, AJ. Nothing. They wouldn't have done anything. No backup, no rescue, nothing. They would have put up a star on their wall at Langley and that would have been it. Not for Mac though, she wasn't even one of theirs." He listens to my heated argument, nodding here or there.

In a way I think it is silly that I still can't let go of all this. After all, everything is as it is supposed to be now. Mac is alive and we are preparing our wedding. We are trying to start a family together; we already bought a beautiful house. But the words from back then still sting.

"And knowing Webb, she didn't know half the truth about their mission. He likes to keep people in the dark, AJ… even those working with him… or maybe especially those." There have been times when I was this close to smashing that smug face of his.

"As I said, Harm… She went willingly." Yeah, probably after Webb told her all the stats of the mission that were in his favor of convincing her and appealing to her love of her country and her sense of responsibility and duty. Chegwidden grins at that, agreeing with me but also telling me that I've given in to that same blackmail on numerous occasions and for the same reasons. And while that is true, I never went in alone like Mac.

"Anyway, I think all of us could have handled things better at the time. I was angry and maybe… " he takes another breath "… well, maybe even hurt that you valued her over your responsibility as an officer." I want to object to that but he holds up his hand. "Yes, I can see now that you saw it as part of your duty to go after her. I should have recognized that then. But we both know your sense of duty wasn't the main motivation."

He looks at me with his commanding officer expression he wore for so long and so often. "The things I said when you two returned were… in hindsight, harsh and I understand why you must have felt like I was ungrateful. I wasn't. When Galindez called and told me you had found her and are on the way home, I sank back into my chair and thanked God a couple dozen times. But I'm human, Harm, and at the time I myself didn't want to see the greater picture. I'm sorry for that. And besides… I think you've really grown up down there. The time away from JAG and all the things that came with it have made you another man. I could tell when you came back. I don't think you could have handled a relationship with Mac before that. "

He looks up from the nearly empty beer glass he's been staring at for his entire speech. "I watched you two at my dining out and there was something there I hadn't seen in a long time. You two were at ease with each other, almost like in the early days. You've both grown up. I just can't believe it took you another year and a transfer to get together." We both laugh at that. He doesn't need to know everything and in the end our getting together really seems funny.

We talk a while longer. My time in the brig and the feeling of being alone without any friends comes up as well, and I think he tries to ease his conscience as much as convince me that making my friends stay away from me was the smarter thing to do. I kind of disagree with him on that one and even though Mac and I have talked about it and about the fact that I would have ignored any order that would have made me stay away from her, I just feel like it has to come into the open in this discussion.

If Chegwidden and I want to have any hope of ever clearing our relationship and bringing it back to normal, things have to be said. I learned that with Mac. Ignoring stuff and pretending it didn't happen or starting fresh isn't going to work. I guess it's true what they say… forgiven but never forgotten. He has many things he's long since forgiven but not forgotten, as do I.

It is almost two hours later that we empty the Cokes that we switched to after a couple beers each. He's told me all about his trip through the US baseball stadiums with Francesca, his visit to her in Italy and the improvement of their father-daughter relationship. It's like re-learning an old friend again. After the cobwebs of the last two years were cleared, we really got some of that old ease back.

Our goodbyes are a lot friendlier than our hello's were a couple days ago in my office and I leave the pub with a good feeling. I ask him over to the house for the following evening since Mac wanted to have an evening with an old friend. I don't mind it now as much as I did earlier.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

**London Heathrow Airport**

**Borrow of Hillington**

**London, UK**

**1130 local**

I'm really grateful to Frank for arranging this. And I suppose our friends are as well, all things considered. I knew that getting everyone here for the wedding would be difficult, but Frank's idea to take his company's plane was a godsend. I grin at Sturgis who tries to help Varese down the little Gangway even though she has probably de-boarded as many planes as he has.

My grin widens when I see the small woman get out the hatch and climb down the stairwell. I'll never know how she does it. At almost 93 years she has still an air around her that calls her passport a liar and if moms words are true she managed to leave behind both her and Frank while they were wandering up the hill on her farm. "Harmon!" She pulls me down into a big hug and somehow I suddenly feel like a 10 year old again and no matter how she does that, I always get the feeling like I have to look up at her instead of the other way around. "Nice to see you, Gram." I hug her tight and when I release her she swings a finger at me. "You never visit anymore, boy. Instead you drag your old grandmother all the way to London. I'd have you over my knee right now if it wasn't for the fact that I'm here for your wedding young man!"

At that she turns me around and practically pushes me over the tarmac to the entrance of the airport building, not allowing me to greet all our other friends. "You come with me, boy!" Better not argue with her.

I finally get to shake hands with everyone at the parking lot where Frank hands out keys to those brave enough to drive on their own on English roads. I didn't have a problem with left-hand-traffic, but for Mac it was a real adventure in the beginning and Mattie was slightly irritated to say the least.

"Hey buddy, where's Mac?" I should have known Sturgis would ask the obvious as soon as he got a shot at it. "Mac had to take Mattie to an appointment with her Orthopedic this morning, so she couldn't come. But I suppose they will be back at the house by the time we get this party there." I nod over to the rest of my family and friends and he pats my shoulder before climbing into his own vehicle. I almost laugh out loud when I realize that Varese is going to drive.

I silently groan at the fact that my grandmother decides to ride with me, while everyone else climbs in either with Sturgis and Varese or Frank. I wonder for a second how my grandmother pulled this off. Knowing her she made Frank promise all the way over here. Well, it's going to be an interesting ride, that's for sure.

"Harmon, get your butt in that car. Your old grandmother would like to meet that fiancée you've been going on about for years now and see your house before she dies of old age!" She's never been in the military but that tone of voice… every DI would be jealous. "Yes, Ma'am." Is all I utter before doing as I'm told.

The ride turns out to be the interrogation I expected. With Gram I always get a first hand insight into how a suspect during cross examination must feel. Only Gram does both the examination and the cross examination. She has that way of squeezing information out of people… kind of like Mattie. I make a mental note not to let them talk to each other much for the duration of this circus.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1215 local**

I'm getting nervous. Harm and the guests will be here any moment and I'm starting to feel like this is going to end ugly. Not that I think we can't house everyone for lunch but more because of the teenager sitting currently in her room and doing holiday-schoolwork before she starts school in two weeks.

I check and recheck the dishes on the table and busy myself in the kitchen with rearranging the food and lemonade just to stop pacing. When I hear two cars pulling up, I call Mattie downstairs which is answered by the usual ranting of a teenager.

I know almost everyone. Trish went home a couple weeks ago and brought back Frank for last minute preparations. Harm figured she needed her husband to keep herself from going stir crazy. Harm even chuckled and said one could think his mother is getting married and not us. The only one I'm concerned about is Harm's grandmother. I've only heard about her, never met her in person. And Harm warned me about her interrogation skills.

I barely get to hug Sturgis and Varese hello, when a small woman enters the door. Since she's the only one I don't know of the lot, she must be Harm's grandma. "Hello, Mrs. Rabb. It's nice to finally meet you." I smile at her. But instead of taking my hand, she pulls me close for a hug and I momentarily wonder how such a small person could make me feel like she was giving ME a bear hug. "I already had a word about that with my grandson. Such a lovely girl and he never brought you by the farm." She gives Harm a stern look who ducks under the door into the dining area and offers seats to the rest of the gang.

"Harm has told me so much about you." She palms my cheek like I was a kid and I really envy Harm for his family in that moment. I never even knew my grandparents. She pats me gently on the shoulder and leads me over to the dining table. "It's good to see you've finally come to your senses, young man! What I'll never get is what took you so long. You should be grateful nobody else took that girl away before you got your head out of your six!" With that she sits down on the chair Harm immediately jumped up to draw out for her and gives him another stern look when he wants to sit down without doing the same for me. He dutifully complies and gives me a sheepish look which I only return with a grin.

Mattie comes bouncing in the dining room a moment later and stops short, sending both Harm and me a hateful glance. "You didn't tell me HE was going to come, too!" I frown for a second before it hits me. "Mattie…" But she turns around on her heels and a moment later we can all hear her door slam shut.

Harm gets up to go after her, but I put a hand on his arm. "Let me, please?" He gives me that doubtful look and nods reluctantly. I know he feels responsible for her, but so do I. And we are in this together. I squeeze his shoulder shortly before I steel myself for what is to come.

My knock on Mattie's door is answered with a muffled "Get lost!" and my second knock and pleading is answered with very loud punk music. I try the door knob and find it unlocked. Without knocking again, I enter and a pair of blazing eyes meets me.

"I thought I told you to get the fuck lost!" Mattie is angry. In a way I can understand her. Harm and I didn't deliberately keep it from her, that her father would be invited to our wedding. Though, we did not actively inform her about the fact either. In hindsight that was probably not very sensitive of us. "And I won't be talked to like that, not even by you." I shout calmly over the punk music so she can hear me.

I close the door behind me and walk over to the stereo to lower the volume to normal. "Who gave you the right…?" I turn towards her and give her the same hard stare I receive. I walk over to her bed and sit down and she obviously can't keep herself in check any longer, because when I reach for her and draw her into my arms she comes willingly and she is already sobbing.

"I know…" I say quietly, rubbing her back and trying to soothe her. "We should have told you before." It honestly never crossed my mind that she would react like that. That she would be angry at her father sure…but that she would throw a fit like this one… I never saw it coming.

It takes almost 13 minutes until her sobbing starts to become less and less, but she is not yet finished with crying. Maybe she needs this. All these months she built up her anger and it has to go somewhere sometime. "He doesn't have a right to be here. He doesn't deserve it."

That hits me hard. "Mattie, I know you're angry at him, but he needs help…" she holds up a hand to stop me, suddenly outraged. "He had all that and he threw all that away for a bottle, so he could get stoned and have a good time. He left me lying at the hospital alone, everyone was there, Jen, Harm, you, even a couple friends from school visited me. He didn't turn up once, not even after I woke up. He gave up his right to be anywhere near me, and he won't get it back this time."

I sigh. Those words could have come out of my mouth a couple years ago. Maybe they did, I don't remember. But I can see so much of myself in her. I know the pain she's going through all too well. "I know how you feel, but…" but she doesn't let me finish. Instead she jumps away from me and crosses her arms over her chest, hugging herself. It's a protective gesture.

"You don't know shit about what I'm feeling, I…" This time it's me who cuts her off. "I already told you, not in that tone, young Lady!" My voice gets louder and angrier as I hold up a finger to emphasize my point. "And to your information, I know first hand what it feels like. You aren't the only one in the world with a troubled childhood."

Mattie groans. "Yeah, I know all about you being an alcoholic. You told me that." I vehemently shake my head. "Have you ever wondered why I started drinking?" That seems to stop her short and she simply stares at me. "I suppose that means you haven't." I motion her to sit back on the bed and I tell her about my father beating up my mother and her running away to leave me behind, when she finally sits down. I tell her about how I became a drunk myself and how I ended up in the Corps instead of under a bridge.

Mattie gasps a couple times during my story and fresh tears well up in her eyes. "Why are you telling me all this?" I ponder my answer to that for a moment. "Because you need to learn how to forgive him. He may not be perfect; he may have made many mistakes. But he is still your father." I take another deep breath. "And you need to understand all that to heal yourself. I know how much it hurt when my father left me at the hospital after Billy's accident. I didn't see anybody I knew for weeks until my uncle came and picked me up."

"By the time I forgave him, it was too late. He was already in a coma. The priest at the hospice showed me his walled though and in it I found news paper cut-outs about cases I had won or awards I had received. He loved me, in his own way and he followed my career very closely."

I get up from her bed and she looks up at me with these big, sad eyes. "You need to learn how to forgive him. Not as much for him but for you. Believe me, if you don't, he will be a very heavy burden on your shoulders."

All of a sudden she starts trembling heavily and I sit back down, despite the fact that I wanted to leave her alone now, leaving her to think about what I said. "Sweetie, what is it?" She starts crying again and I feel very helpless. The only thing I can do is offer support and comfort.

"You are going to send me back to him, aren't you?" What? I lean back to look down at her. "Sweetie, nobody is going to send you anywhere. You'll stay with us. Your dad is just here to visit and for the wedding." I can't believe she got the feeling. I'll need to talk to Harm about this later.

"Promise?" Her big eyes remind me of a kid, not a teenager and I brush my hand over her hair and kiss her temple gently. "Promise! And Marines keep their word." That brings a small smile to her face and she releases me.

I take that as a hint that she needs time to sort things out now and get up from her bed, heading towards the door. "Thanks, Mac." She whispers to my back and I give her an answering smile and nod. "I'll let them know you're ok. If you want something, just come down later, ok?" She nods at that and then plops back against her pillows, already lost in thought.

Harm must have heard me coming down the stairs because he is out the living room before I can enter it. "How is she?" I slow him down by putting my hands to his chest, stopping him from going upstairs. "She's going to do fine I think. Give her time. We should have told her about Tom being here." He gives me one of his nods but still looks up the stairs worried. I pat his shoulder and drag him away back to the dining room, where more worried faces greet us. Since I don't want to violate Mattie's trust in me, I just tell them that she will be ok, especially Tom who offers to leave on the next plane, but we calm him down on that. Mattie needs to learn to live with the fact that he is a part of her life and always will be. And the sooner she does, the sooner she can heal.

I know it's hard for Tom to be shoved away like that, but to be honest, what he did isn't forgivable in my book and I'm a recovering alcoholic myself. He abandoned his child twice when she was in need. That's hard to swallow for anybody, especially a kid.

**Bud and Harriet's house**

**Lakeview Road**

**West Norwood**

**London, UK**

**1859 local**

It's kind of stupid really, three days away from the wedding and I start getting jittery. When Mattie asked me something this afternoon I literally jumped. I smile over at him when we walk up the driveway to Bud and Harriet's new home. It's very different from their house in D.C. though. Instead of the fairy tale farmer's style house with the wrap around porch this one is a typically British two story house with visible brick walls.

I've only been here once before to move their stuff and I wanted to kick Harriet for moving house in the middle of our wedding preparations. Though, with Trish around all Harm and I had to do was tell her what we want and she got it done. In-laws with lots of connections really do come in handy every now and then.

We ring the doorbell at precisely 1900 hours and both Bud and Harriet open the doors just a moment later, leading us into the hallway. "It's great you could make it, sir, ma'am." We both get a handshake from Bud and a hug from Harriet and are lead into the spacious reception room. It was nice of them to wait with the house warming party for our friends from D.C. to arrive. That way we can all have a little get together in an informal setting, time enough to catch up and have chats. Besides that, I really love what they did to the place. It's very comfortable and fits them a lot better than the old house did before.

There are a few other guests already like the Admiral, Coates and of course the wedding guests that arrived today. We greet the other guests and engage in small talks here and there. It doesn't take long before Bud hits his wine glass with a spoon to get everyone's attention.

"Captain, ma'am… you probably wonder why we lured you here tonight." Harm and I look at each other perplexed and then back at Bud. From the corner of my eye I can see Harm raising his brows in his usual way when he gets suspicious.

"You see, when you guys told us you were getting married both of you were on the brink of leaving town with no chance for us to arrange something appropriate for the occasion. So, when the Admiral and I went to have a beer a couple nights ago, we realized that with your ceremony only a few days away, we didn't really have an engagement party other than a couple drinks at 'McMurphy's' and that and not a house warming is the reason we're all here tonight… Which doesn't mean all of you aren't welcome to take a look at our new home too." Everyone starts laughing except me and Harm…I'm speechless.

Harriet has that typical satisfied look about her that she always gets when she's extremely pleased with something. "And I think it's way past time this finally happens. Congratulations, you two." Harriet walks over to us and gives us both the second hug tonight and Harm holds on just a little tighter than necessary, whispering a soft 'thank you'.

I'm very moved by this and so is Harm. I too hug Harriet close and my voice doesn't get above a whisper when I thank her and hug her hard too and then Bud. I give a teary laugh when Bud gives me a 'red light' and swat him on the chest.

The evening goes smoothly, with a bit dancing and the incredible food Harriet has prepared. I suspect Grandma Rabb and Trish might have had a hand in that too.

The Admiral requests I dance with him, and momentarily I'm back at another engagement party, in another house. "You did well, Mac." He says that with that smile of his that suggests he knew all along this was going to happen. And maybe he did. "Thank you, sir. And this time it will end differently." I add this last part almost in afterthought. "I think so, Mac. It would look really suspicious if the groom didn't make an appearance at the wedding due to being soaking wet." We both laugh at it. It is funny to think about it now, even though at the time it was dead serious. "I just won't let him anywhere near a plane until he has joined the Corps at the altar." Chegwidden laughs even louder at that.

"Is Cresswell going to be at the wedding?" He asks just as the song ends, and I tell him he would fly in the next afternoon with his family and Mike Roberts. "Chloe will be on their flight, too. We've asked Mike Roberts to have a look at her. She's old enough by now not to want any close supervision… she thinks, and I'm quoting 'It's completely unnecessary and totally uncool!'."

I'm grateful for Harm's willingness to postpone our honeymoon for a couple days since Chloe will stay with us for a week before flying back. It's a good thing this whole affair is during the summer holidays, which means Chloe can spend more than just a weekend or so. With her in the States and me here, I'll see even less of her than I used to.

Once I'm finally out of any dance requests, I walk out into the garden for some fresh air. I'm not surprised to see him sitting out on a low bench stretching his legs in front of him, his jacket opened and his tie slightly loosened. He looks a bit disheveled and simply adorable.

"Hey." He spots me and moves over on the small bench, making space for me. "Hey yourself." I sit down and stretch my legs out like him, leaning in for a chaste kiss. But when my lips touch his, he deepens the kiss and I certainly won't argue. "Looks like we both need a minute, huh?"

"I never thought they'd be up to THAT. I figured this would be a housewarming or something." Harm nods his head. "Yeah, me, too. It's amazing. I never thought I'd celebrate our engagement after everything." He says in a small voice that clearly shows sadness. Leaning his head back against the wall he draws me closer and I willingly snuggle up into his embrace. "To be honest… neither did I. Doesn't mean I didn't want to though." We both lean in slightly until our lips meet again and this time we don't stop. I don't care who sees us or anything. If I thought I'd get away with it, I'd start making love to him right here. But that might just be pushing it a little too far.

He chuckles slightly once we release each other and I raise my eyebrow at him. "You know the last time we did this… we weren't supposed to kiss." It takes me a moment to realize what he's talking about and when it dawns on me he means my other engagement party to Mic, my eyes go down for a moment before he draws my chin back up and looks deep into my eyes, his palm framing my cheek in his warm, large hand. "And it was all I could think about that evening." He swallows hard and averts his eyes.

"Not only you." His head whips around at my words and his eyes ask thousands of questions. "I pushed you so hard that night; I wanted you to tell me what I needed to know. The funny thing is you all but screamed it at me, but you didn't say the words I so desperately needed to hear. And even if you had said them… I don't know whether or not it would have made a difference."

Smiling sadly, he goes on. "Do you know how close I came to say it that night? To tell you everything? It wasn't my right to say these things, but I wanted to. And I fought it all evening, I don't know why anymore, it seemed so pointless after all. Maybe I was scared, but I can't really say for sure." He looks out over the small garden surrounding us and when he speaks again, his voice is just barely over the music wafting out from inside. "And then you kissed me and I was lost. When you moved away I guess I acted on pure instinct, drawing you closer and all but crushing you against my chest. I just couldn't let you go."

He sighs. "And then you walked back in, obviously shrugging it off and acting as though we hadn't just shared that extremely intimate, beautiful moment." He looks down at an imaginary spot between his long, outstretched legs. "I was shocked." He looks at me from the corner of his eyes and swallows, before replying in a small voice. "I know."

I lean my head on his shoulder and immediately his arm wraps around me, pulling me into his side and kissing my hair softly. "And now here we are." I snuggle closer to him, reveling in the fact that I finally can do this. After waiting for him for such a long time, I won't take anything for granted anymore.

He takes my hand in his and squeezes hard. "I always thought the words are overrated… that feelings are what counts. I still think that. People use those words inflationary. A good evening or a nice dinner and they already tell each other about love." I grin at him. "You've become better at saying them though. And it took us only slightly longer than a good evening out or a nice dinner." Harm just chuckles. "Only slightly longer, yes."

He turns me around gently and looks directly at me again. "I might not always say the words Mac, but I'll do everything I can to show you how much you mean to me." He leans in for another kiss and within seconds of his mouth hitting mine, we get carried away.

I don't know how much time we spend kissing, but when we release each other, we are more than just a little breathless. "And I've become better at accepting your gestures instead of waiting for the words."

A shy smile plays around his lips and with a kiss to my forehead; we turn around and face the garden fence of Bud and Harriet's property. It's really nothing to look at, just a fence. But we enjoy the quietness out here, apart from the chit chat of the others inside. Come to think of it, that's what we did at my last engagement party. We spent that whole night outside, talking about our relationship, not ready to let go of each other.

"Sir, ma'am?" It's Coates, sticking her head out the glass door leading outside. "Everyone's looking for you." I smile at her but don't move away from Harm's embrace. After everything I don't see a need to act like we don't share intimacy. "Thanks Coates, we'll be there in a moment." She nods and pulls her head back inside, leaving us alone again.

"We should go in, it's getting chilly out here." Harm grins at me and only now do I realize that those were the words we used that night on the Admiral's porch. "You have someone who'll always love you." I lean in for another kiss and whisper in his ear, that he has someone to love him, too.

A peaceful smile spreads across his lips and he finally stands to help me up. He takes my hand and when we walk in we are greeted by the same buzz of voices that made us go outside in the first place.


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1945 local**

I smile at Harm's young charge. The girl is so full of energy despite the awful accident Harm has told me about. A young girl shouldn't have to deal with everything she has had to deal with in recent years and I'm very proud of my grandson for trying to put an end to her misery.

Watching them together makes it so obvious that he would be a wonderful father, and I'm praying to the Lord to bless him and his Sarah with children. God knows there are so many people out there who don't have the slightest bit of love to give to their children and yet have a house full of them.

Mattie's father doesn't seem to be a complete waste. Though abandoning a child twice is not something I can forgive, even though it's not my place to do so. Parents have responsibilities whether they like them or not. I just hope, that the fact of the girl being here, will keep the rest of our group in check tonight.

Now, if only my grandson could let go of his fiancée, we could get this show on the road, but so far they are still talking quietly in the corner of the living room, with the guys waiting for him in the dining room and us waiting for Sarah to shoe him out already.

"Harmon, you are keeping everyone. The men are waiting for you and from tomorrow on you'll have your Sarah for the rest of your life. Now, do us all a favor and get a move on." This is so typically for my grandson. First he doesn't get his relationship with her straight for years, and now he can't let her go for even an evening.

For a moment I think he wants to give me an annoyed expression but he knows better than that. He might be over 40 already, but that won't keep me from pulling his ear if necessary. "Just a minute, gram." I sigh. They make such a nice couple and for the first time since he was a young child, chasing kittens at the farm, he looks really happy.

I smile to myself when he finally leans in for a goodbye kiss and reluctantly steps away from her to turn toward the waiting guys. "Thank God, I thought you'd never finish!" The words don't quite carry the stern tone the words suggest and he smiles that shy smile at me his father already used to give in his days… a mixture of sheepish and cocky. I'll never know how they do it.

But before he steps out into the night, he leans back in and questions Mac about his uniform for what seems like the tenth time today. "Harm, I told you already, Harriet took all the men's uniforms to the dry cleaners and stored all of them at their house. You guys will just have to manage not to get locked up in any cells tonight and all you need, will be at Bud and Harriet's tomorrow morning." I raise my eyebrows at that and make a mental note to ask Sarah about this later.

My grandson leans in for another kiss but I clear my throat. This is really getting ridiculous. First we had to wait ages for them to decide to get married and now we have to wait for them to let go of each other. "Harmon, your friends are waiting and it's not nice of you to have them wait for you so long!" Not that they aren't used to it… my grandson has a bad habit of being fashionably late. He might have been early at his birth, but he's been late for everything else ever since.

He finally turns around and walks towards the Admiral and Bud who've been waiting outside the house for quite some time now. I sigh and turn around expectantly to the rest of this party. We are quite a group from teenagers to grandmothers… well I suppose a little excitement won't hurt me. "Alright you ladies, let's get the show on the road. We have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow and I want to get to bed before it is time to get up again. We old people need our sleep!"

**Inside Bud's minivan**

**Somewhere on the road**

**Greater London, UK**

**1958 local**

I grin at what I see in the rearview mirror. Captain Harmon Rabb junior is more than a little anxious about where tonight is going to lead us and he is the only one in the lot who hasn't been told. "Alright guys… have it your way… but if you're going to drag me into a strip club make sure we don't end up in jail again."

Tom Boone laughs at that. "Won't work, Harm. You're not going to learn where we take you before we get there. And now shut up before I order Midshipman Roberts to blindfold you!" That effectively shuts the Captain up, but doesn't keep him from scrutinizing the area we drive through… probably in order to check for any strip clubs we could end up in.

I finally pull into the parking lot of a bar the Admiral and I have checked out a couple days ago. I think we can all go in there without too much embarrassment and still have a little fun, which is really all this evening is about.

We enter the 'The white horse' and the Admiral walks straight over to the bar and orders a round of beer for all of us. My first instinct is to protest since somebody has to drive us back later, but I figure one beer won't hurt.

I grin when Harm takes in his surroundings and starts to groan. "Stop whining Harm, this is your bachelor party after all." He looks doubtful at each of us and nods his head. "Not a single word to Mac!" The Admiral grins like a Cheshire cat and turns around to accept the beers from the bartender. "Our lips are sealed. We won't tell, if you won't."

We take our seats by the stage where I know some girls will start dancing soon. Until then we will chat and have some fun. It's been a while since we had a guys night out… actually I don't even remember a guys night out with Harm, the Admiral, Commander Turner and Mikey. I think its great General Cresswell decided to join us for tonight's fun, though he seems to be a little awkward.

"Harmon Rabb junior!" Our heads whip around to the excited and yet mocking voice and I wish I had a camera present to record Harm's expression the moment he recognizes the owner of the voice. "Jack Keeter! What the fuck are you doing here?" Both men give each other a friendly hug and Keeter lightly punches Harm on his shoulder. "I had to see for myself that the great Harmon Rabb is finally going to be a tamed man!"

I really don't know how Keeter got here but the smug grin on Commander Turners face tells me he was instrumental in this. Keeter joins us after shaking hands with everyone and even though I haven't seen him in years, he has still that untouchable, cocky, big ego he used to have a couple years back.

Harm is still practically in shock, but Keeter doesn't seem to mind at all, that there are two two-stars sitting at our table and gives him a bear hug. "This is a surprise Keeter." Harm tries to make conversation and the blonde man just shrugs. "Yeah, buddy… you never write, you never call… And then I need to hear it through the grapewine that my academy pal is gonna tie himself down. Damn, Harm… who's the lucky lady anyway?"

While he talks he waves over the bartender and orders a beer and a bourbon with a simple gesture of his hand, while he spreads his arms on the top of the bench in the booth, looking like he is truly at ease with the place. He probably is, too.

Harm grins at him and takes a long swallow of his beer, while we all watch the bombshell being ignited. "You know her. You even spent a night with her once." Keeter frowns and so does everyone but the Admiral and me. I enjoy the display immensely, especially the stare the two get from General Cresswell.

"Don't tell me it's the stewardess!" Commander Turner, me and Harm start laughing out loud. I would hope that Keeter gives his old friend more credit than that. "Keeter, please! I'm no pleeb on summer vacation anymore!" The other man just shrugs again. "Nope, that's true, pal. You're seriously growing old, man. So no stewardess then?" He takes another swig of his beer and looks pointedly at his old friend, but there is the typical Rabb mirth in his eyes until he takes pity on Keeter… sort of.

"Nah, she's a lot smarter than that, better looking too. And may I remind you that you're just as old." Keeter still frowns and I can barely hold in my laughter. "Me old? You've got something wrong brother. Better looking than a stewardess huh? Man you should've seen the lady serving on my flight, she was…" But Harm holds up his hand to stop him. "Don't even try, man. No stewardess could even hold a candle to Mac, in any department." And there goes the explosion.

Commander Turner and Admiral Chegwidden snicker softly into their beers and Harm enjoys the fallout from the blow with every inch of his 6 foot something. Keeter just looks shocked and starts stammering… "Mac… as in the cute Major you used to work with?" Oh, Harm definitely enjoys this. With a satisfied grin he just nods his head "Yep." And Keeter smacks him up the head.

"Hey, what was that for?" To say I'm somewhat puzzled over the turn of events is a mild understatement. Keeter shakes his head in disbelieve. "Don't tell me it took you … what…" he starts counting with his fingers, "another seven years after knowing her for three years before you came to Iran to get me out of prison? Did she wear a plastic bag over her face most time she was at the office or what?" It's Turners clue to jump in. "No buddy, they're just a little slow on the uptake. You know Harm and girls, Keeter."

My eyes wander between the three of them, and so do the pairs of eyes of everyone else at this table. Keeter looks at Turner but points his thumb at Harm. "I don't remember HIM being slow around women, Sturgis!" And despite his usual stern Marine demeanor General Cresswell bursts out in laughter and is joined by the Admiral and even my brother snickers, once the implications of that comment sinks in.

"Keeter do you mind all my colleagues sitting around the table? And for your information I'm not slow… just… well, maybe a tad careful. And by the way she was a Lieutenant Colonel before she resigned her commission… Oh and it's been six years since the Iranian dessert, thank you very much!"

But Keeter isn't to be silenced that easily. "Oh come on, buddy. It's not like you used to need a second invitation when we were having fun on shore leaves." He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at Harm who, instead of getting irritated, blushes. "Alright, Jack. Enough embarrassment for a while. Take it easy on him, he's already nervous enough as it is." Commander Turner doesn't quite mean that though, his big grin always gives him away.

"Thanks, Sturgis. I'll remember reminding you of all the embarrassing stories I know about your past, the night before your wedding!" I almost laugh out loud when the Commander sobers up quickly, tries to put on an innocent face and takes a swallow of his beer. A look at the Admiral and the General tell me, they are enjoying the banter, too.

Our chatting is stopped when the first girl appears on stage and within seconds all of us follow the, admittedly, beautiful woman, dancing expertly around the brass pole. The dark haired beauty looks down towards us and even though I know we kinda arranged it for our guest of honor, she really does things to me I wouldn't admit in broad daylight. I know I'm squirming, but I'm not the only one.

The music changes to a slow seductive rhythm and I can't believe the beauty is… well climbing down the stage would be an understatement, she is more like molding down, her motions so sensual, she doesn't miss a beat of the music. She dances near us, eyes closed and obviously in her own world.

When she reaches our booth, there's a cheer from the other guys, but I hardly hear it, she really has me captured. She wriggles herself closer to Harm, but instead of dancing for him, she seeks out Commander Turner who really enjoys the attention, but starts sputtering when she sits down on his lap to give him a performance.

Harm, even though captured by her dancing, barely hides his grin behind his drink, and even the Admiral and General Cresswell barely hold in their laughter. Once she's done with Sturgis, she turns her attention towards Keeter, who doesn't bat an eyelash and instead leans back to enjoy the show fully.

When the song ends, she bends down and gives both of them a peck on the cheek. "I wish you all the best for your marriage." The face Commanders Turner and Keeter give are priceless and after a moment both begin to stutter in earnest. That's when Harm, and pretty much the rest of us start laughing in earnest.

Keeter straightens up first and holds up a hand. "Lady, you got something dead wrong here. He…" pointing at Harm "is the one throwing away his freedom, not us. And what makes you think I'd be so reckless with my own?" The poor girl is really confused and starts stammering as well. "Uh… I'm so sorry, I was told that there would be a bachelor party and I should make sure the groom enjoys himself… I wasn't sure which of you would be the groom." She gives a bright smile at both of them and they simply stare at each other and we laugh some more.

"It's alright…" Harm says and indicates with a wave of his hand that he would like to know her name. "Oh, Daisy, sir." Harm grins at Keeter and Turner and goes on. "It's alright Daisy, it was a lot of fun watching the two of them sputter, you tell your boss the groom enjoyed this immensely." With that he puts a 20 into her hand and winks at her in good humor.

The girl puts a hand in front of her mouth and giggles. "Now I'm really sorry. I just thought a handsome guy like you would be off the market by now." This in turn earns her giggles and snorts from everyone but Harm. Between fits of laughter I can see the irritated look Harm sends us from the corner of my eye and he replies in all seriousness. "Oh, I am off the market alright. Keeter here is the one who's got a girl in every harbor but not a single one who would like to stay with him."

I laugh some more, Keeters jaw drops open and he hits Harm on the upper arm. "Easy there buddy, or your Marine will marry you with a few less teeth tomorrow." But Harm only grins.

"Hey sweety that was quite a dance. Wanna join us over at my table, we got plenty of room." A drunk guy from the other end of the room joins us and grabs Daisy's backside in a rude manner, which she shrugs off. "I'm sorry sir, I'm in the middle of something here, would you mind leaving us some privacy?"

But the guy leans over heavily and breathes his alcohol induced air into her hair or what he takes for her hair anyway. "Nah, babe. There's no privacy in a place like this. Com'on darling, show me what you've got." With that he fumbles her nude breasts and that's the point where I get up.

Harm and the Admiral are faster though. "Sir, she kindly asked you to leave her alone." Oh oh… I see it coming right before it happens. The drunken guy swings a fist in Chegwidden's direction and both Harm and he duck out of the way, but within moments we have a good old fashioned bar fight going on, because out of nowhere the drunken idiot's buddies join him and the only sensible thing is retreat.

I can just limp to the exit before some security guys from the bar join into the fight to sort it out and I whistle loudly for the others to join me. Amazingly the brawlers don't only turn into our direction but against each others as well, and Daisy is fast in reacting, sending all of us out in time before the security boys grab us. Keeter manages to punch his elbow into some idiot's solar plexus who tries to grab him from behind, but within seconds Daisy manages to get all of us out onto the parking lot.

"Go, I'll tell Steven you had nothing to do with it." She ushers us into the car but just before Harm closes the door of my minivan, she leans in and breathes a kiss onto his cheek, leaving quite a lipstick mark on him. "Enjoy your wedding, gorgeous!" She wraps her one arm around her upper body to protect herself from stares as she is still not wearing anything to cover her breasts decently and gives the car door a slight shove. "Go!"

I don't need a second invitation for that. There are already sirens in the distance and I really don't want to be here when the cops start hitting the place. I hit the accelerator and the wheels squeak when the car jumps into movement.

"Whew, that was close! We really should stop doing this on bachelor parties!" The Admiral exclaims, slightly out of breath. "AJ, you meaning to tell me this happened before?" Chegwidden grins at Cresswell and waves at me. "Yeah, his bachelor party ended with us in a cell." I can't really see it, but I know the General is staring at me and a short glance into the rearview mirror shows me, he's looking sternly at Harm, too, but then shakes his head. "You guys sure know how to throw a party, gentlemen!"

I stop the car a couple blocks away, happy that we all made it out this time, without anybody ending in a city jail like last time. Turning around I regard my fellows. "So, what are we going to do with the remainder of the evening? It's still quite early yet." I mean just because the strip club was cut short we don't have to be home before curfew, right? And it's not often a guy like me gets a night out like this.

"You know, gentlemen, I might know a place where we can enjoy a good evening. No half naked girls, I admit, but it has a great bar and halfway decent crowd. What do you say?" The General wriggles his eyebrows at us and since none has a better idea we are soon headed for Piccadilly Circus.

The 'Waxy O'Connors' is pretty much different from all the other bars I've seen around here so far. It has several levels and each one of them has a bar and some corner booths. It's not your typical English pub, it's more like a theme park for pub guests. Each room has a different theme and after checking out every single one of them, we decide to settle for the 'Cottage bar', because it looks pretty cozy and has the smallest crowd.

We order another round of beers and once the bartender hands out our drinks Frank Burnett mumbles "Let's just stay away from drunken blokes, gentlemen, alright?" I don't hear anybody object to that. The near disaster earlier didn't make anybody too excited. I also grin at Frank making Harm swear that he wouldn't tell his mother about this.

The rest of the evening is spent in animated and humored chatter and Harm really gets his fair share of bad jokes about getting finally married after so long. He takes it with ease though and even throws in a couple jokes himself. The only thing I realize is, that with the more time goes by, the more he becomes nervous. Boy do I know how he feels. But in comparison to him I spent the night before my wedding in a Washington city jail, along with many other drunken guys, so I don't have too much pity.

**Club 49**

**Greek street**

**Soho, London, UK**

**2003 local**

I'm so glad the girls have decided to have a nice evening out instead of a wild party or anything. I already hated it at Harriet's hen night, although I'll admit the strippers did look good back then. "I'm sorry for not throwing the party at our house, but since the guys will sleep there tonight I thought this was the better solution." Harriet looks at me in her typical insecure, apologetic way.

I have to smile at her behavior. Sometimes it is hard to believe that she is used to handle a family of six with four kids and Bud Roberts on top… "It's alright, Harriet. It's not like we go all traditional anyway." I smile warmly at her to let her know I'm really at ease.

For a moment I'm wondering where the guys have ended up. I just can't quite shake the feeling that they are going to end up in trouble. God knows Harm can find it anywhere, and the fact that his old Academy pals are with him, doesn't really put my mind at ease. I should have asked Sturgis to take a photo the second Harm finds out Keeter's going to be at the wedding. I would love to see that face.

The girls and I sit around a table and each of us soon nurses a drink. Actually I think this doesn't really pass for a hen night, since we don't go with the traditional drinking and strippers and the like. A stranger could simply mistake us for a group of girls having a fun night out together and I'm perfectly fine with that.

Chloe and Mattie get on great which I was hoping for. Mattie is in desperate need to spend some time with a person her age and since school isn't about to start for another couple weeks yet, it's highly unlikely she will find any friends anytime soon.

I sigh at the two. Chloe has grown up so fast. It seems like only yesterday that she sat on top of the elevator at JAG, mad at all of us for not taking her seriously. Between Mattie's grown-up behavior and Chloe's stubbornness, I'm sure they have plenty fun; especially since they dance with two boys who are obviously allowed to stay out on a Friday night like this. They seem to have taken on like a ship on fire.

In fact I think the girls have the right idea and looking challengingly at the rest, I get up and walk over to the dance floor, getting into the beat easily. It doesn't take long for Varese and Jennifer to join me, leaving Harriet, Grandma Rabb, Mrs. Cresswell and Trish behind. Once the music changes from its hard beat, the others join us after Harm's grandmother practically shoves them into our direction. I laugh at Trish's face, but soon she too seems to enjoy herself.

I haven't been out to just dance and have fun like this for ages. My feet seem to move to the music on their own and my mind can just wander, letting my body do the moves for me. I make a mental note to drag Harm back here some time. The crowd is my age mostly and the music is bearable for people my generation. Even Harm's rock and folk style would fit in well here, so convincing him shouldn't be too much trouble. And after all he himself once said he should have spent more time at discos and clubs instead of playing the family hero.

Once the music changes again, I decide I need a break and walk over to our table. The moment I approach the table I get a feeling of embarrassment. "I'm so sorry Mrs. Rabb. It wasn't very nice of us to let you sit here all by yourself." I try to look apologetic but the older woman waves me off. "Nonsense, dear. You young girls should enjoy your time and just because I didn't join the hopping doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the show." I definitely know where Harm got his warm smile now. This woman is so amazing, no wonder Harm loves her so much.

"Looks like everyone has a good time, Sarah." I look over at the others and at the same time fan myself some cool air, only now realizing how hot I've become while dancing. "Yeah, I only need a moment to cool down again. I haven't had this much fun in a long time."

The older woman smiles knowingly and a smile is dancing round her eyes. "Something tells me, my grandson wouldn't quite agree on that… I guess you shouldn't tell him that. It might bust his big ego." I laugh at that. "Well, I guess that ego is big enough to take a hit or two every now and then." I only realize what I say once the words have already left my mouth, but it's too late to be embarrassed now. And contrary to my expectation Sarah Rabb chuckles whole heartedly and nods her head. "That it does, dear, that it does." She says, patting my hand in confirmation.

We sit there, watching Trish try to learn a move from Jennifer while not looking too obvious about it. When I feel the warm hand settle on top of mine again, my head swirls around in surprise. "I'm glad my grandson has finally taken a heart and went after what he wanted for so long." I must look pretty puzzled, because she smiles at me and gets that typical look grandmothers always seem to get when reminiscing about the past.

"You know Harm was always ecstatic about his career, even after his ramp strike and the loss of his flight status. Sure, he was pretty battered for a while, hiding out at the family farm, sometimes disappearing for days on the back of a horse or holing himself up in the barn to work on 'Sarah'." She smiles at that and starts to explain but I beat her to it. "I know… his plane." She nods and looks over to Trish and Harriet trying to imitate Jennifer and the girls in their moves. It's a funny sight.

"When he started law school me and Trish were thrilled and he… I won't say he was depressed, but in the beginning his heart wasn't really in it. Then he had his first cases and within weeks I could sense a change in his mood, towards the old Harm again… I don't know if you've ever flown in a Tomcat with him, but you've seen him in court for sure." She looks expectantly over at me and I stop myself from telling her about the time Harm took me up in an F-14. I get sick just from thinking about it. But I dutifully nod to let her know I can follow her. "Well, I'm told he was a pilot with the same daring and tenacity that makes him a good lawyer, so I'm sure you can imagine." Oh… I can actually more than imagine… better not go there.

"The boy always talked about his work, first it was planes and pilots and then it became investigations and court room battles." She smiles a little to herself as though she just remembered a very interesting story.

Grandma Rabb fixes me with her penetrating eyes that hold the same coolness and fire as Harm's. "A couple years ago I started to hear stories about that Marine Major whom he was partnered with: strong, self confident, independent… and even though he groaned about her and sometimes whined about her stubbornness, I could tell that she was very special to him."

I chuckle, remembering our first couple months. We became friends quickly I'll admit, but despite that, we really did have our disagreements and problems to adjust to each other's styles. I remember Harm looking at me strangely more than once when he realized I wasn't the hanger on he was used to from his previous partners.

"It didn't take long to figure out he had finally met the girl who could put him in his place when his ego flew too high. It irritated him to no end… You know the men of our family are literally born with their head in the sky and they really need someone to pull them down to earth every once in a while… And God only knows Harm's ego is even bigger than that of his father or grandfather."

I raise my eyebrow at that. "Oh, don't get me wrong dear… Harm is a good boy and he will make a wonderful husband and father. I'm just saying that he needs a firm hand every now and then. Just don't let him know you guide him, or he will fight you all the way." Don't I know it. "I get the feeling though, that you know all that."

She pats my hand again in support and gives me another of what I've become to think of as Rabb-smiles. "You know I was beginning to think he would never go after you. For years I had to listen to stories about you, but whenever I asked him to bring you to the farm, he always told me you were just colleagues… now I didn't believe THAT for a second. You don't carry a picture of your colleague in your wallet." At my obviously shocked expression she laughs again and within moments I join in, if somewhat nervous. "Better not tell him I told you that."

Trish and Harriet decide to walk back towards us, looking flushed and quite out of breath themselves. "Ahhh, I didn't have that much fun in a while. We should do this more often… though the dancing technique has unmistakably changed since my days." Trish plops down onto the bench and grabs for her drink, ordering the next one from a waiter who just passes by our table.

"I don't know Trish, I really don't have any intention to get married more than once." She looks at me strangely until the meaning sinks in then starts laughing fully. "I imagine not, Mac."


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37

**Bud and Harriet's house**

**Lakeview Road**

**West Norwood**

**London, UK**

**0604 local**

I know it's ridiculous but I just can't sleep. I would have never thought I'd spent my last night as an unmarried man on the sofa of my best friend but here I am, tossing and turning from one side to another. In five more hours I will finally get to see Mac and the thought does make me nervous… though I would never admit that out loud.

Giving up on sleep I pad over to the kitchen and start on breakfast for the guys. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to eat anything. Searching the cupboards I find some bowls and a peek into the fridge provides me with eggs. Now I only need to find some flour and we can have pancakes, after all it's not like we are in a hurry or anything.

I could call Mac at home, Bud surely won't have plugged out their own phone, right? But something tells me Harriet is guarding the phone at home as well as her cell, which makes it pointless. After all Bud made sure he had my cell last night, mumbling something about Harriet's orders about the groom not seeing or talking to his bride the night before the wedding. I think its nonsense but Harriet loves this kind of stuff.

I'm preparing the pancake dough when I realize there is nobody up who would want to eat them, yet. It's way too early, and the other's alarm won't go off for another hour and a half at least. I could go for a run I suppose, but I don't have my jogging kit with me and with my luck I'll end up at the emergency room with a sprained ankle or something.

In the end I pick up one of Bud's Star Trek comic books and start flipping through the pages, though I couldn't remember the story if my life depended on it. The time goes by though and that's all that counts this morning. Even though I'm supposedly reading, my eyes keep darting to the phone, resting on its spot like it doesn't have a care in the world. Ok, that is ridiculous, of course it doesn't have a care in the world, it is a phone after all.

"Sir, what are you doing already up?" I tense up when Bud approaches me, still scratching his head and rubbing his eyes. I grimace guiltily when I realize he has spotted the prepared breakfast table and the waiting pancake dough.

His mouth opens as if to say one of his patented "Ah!'s" but no sound comes out. He turns towards me again and sits down on the sofa next to me. "Don't worry, sir. Everything will go fine, you'll see." I'm not worried about things not going well at the ceremony; I'm more concerned about fainting or anything at the moment.

"We'll get you through this, sir." He obviously can't help the little smirk that makes his way onto his face. "Something funny, Bud?" I almost grin at the fact that he sobers up so quickly. Bud's a good man, better than me by all means, he just doesn't know it. "No, sir." I grin anyway and pat his back.

We both stare at their coffee table for a while. It's a nice coffee table I think. Fits in well with the rest of the furniture as far as coffee tables go. After a while though Bud starts snickering in earnest and my head swirls around, a frown probably firmly planted on my features.

"You remember the day of my wedding, sir? I was a nervous wreck all day, especially after we'd been arrested. You even had to do the buttons of my uniform." He laughs at that… I don't find it the least bit funny. Damn it, I'm an aviator. I'm not supposed to get all nervous and jittery over this.

"It's going to be alright, sir. Why don't I put on some jeans and we can take a short walk? Fresh air will do you a world of good." Bud doesn't wait for my reply before getting up and walking upstairs to get dressed.

A half hour later we re-enter the house and even though I'm a bit calmer now than earlier, I can still feel the adrenaline go through my body on high speed. "I'll finish breakfast, Bud." Walking into the kitchen I only see him nod from the corner of my eye and walk upstairs, probably to wake Mikey.

After breakfast each of us takes a shower and a shave. I stare at myself in the mirror as I slowly put on my uniform and straighten the shoulder boards and the medals on my chest. I'm kinda at a disadvantage here. Mac knows exactly what I look like in my Dress whites, but I can hardly wait to see her dress. I know she will look beautiful, but still there's an anticipation there that makes me nuts. God, what would I give for a cigar now!

**St Bartholomew-the-great**

**6 Kinghorn St.**

**City of London, UK**

**1023 local**

"Harriet!" I jump over to her and try to still her hands. "Easy, ma'am, you'll rip it if you don't stop that!" Why do I suddenly feel like I talk to my baby son instead of a fully grown former Marine Lieutenant Colonel? "I should have never gotten such a complicated dress!" She hisses through bits of ranting that I would never repeat to either of my children.

"Ma'am, you look great." I silently add that the dress is not at all complicated. In fact the one I wore at my own wedding was a lot more intricate than hers, with the veil and all that stuff. This wedding dress is a dream come true and yet very simple, but I can't tell her that without risking my health. I've long since learned that a nervous Mac is to be handled very carefully. Besides that it is kind of funny, really. When I was getting married she had to convince me that I really wanted to do it, even though in my heart I knew marrying Bud was all I wanted, despite our disagreement.

"You think they'll be here on time?" She keeps glancing towards the clock on the wall and I start hating the person who put that poor clock up there. They should seriously consider the fact that brides are nervous while getting ready and that a reminder of how fast or slow the time passes to their wedding vows is really NOT what a maid of honor needs.

"I'm sure they are going to be right on time. Bud is never late!" Except when he wants to go out with his girlfriend for the first time but she doesn't need to hear that right now.

As if answering my prayers, there's a knock at the door and I'm grateful for anyone who would give me a break by now. I sigh in relief when I see Bud standing before me, all handsome in his dress uniform and the brightly polished sword dangling smoothly on his hip.

"Hey sweetie, just wanted to let you know we're all set." I want to kiss him. "Thank you Bud, we're almost ready, just a few finishing touches left." He smiles at that and looks over his shoulder to the altar where I see Harm waiting and talking to Chaplain Turner.

I want to ask Bud if Harm is doing alright, but Mac appears behind me and starts rambling. "Bud, thank god you're here. Do you have the rings?" Bud smiles calmly and dutifully extracts the little box that contains their wedding bands. She seems to calm down, but only momentarily. "Did you get here ok?" I have to hold in a snort, knowing what she really wants to know is whether Harm is ok or not. "Everything is fine ma'am."

I turn her around and move her back towards the dresser so she can put the finishing touches to her make up. I walk back towards the door and ask Bud to sent Chloe in here, maybe she can calm her down a bit. "And Bud?" he turns around. "Make sure to keep him out of trouble." I whisper and we both know whom I'm talking about. "Love you, sweetie. If I have to show them the rings one more time I will throw them into a trashcan!"

I chuckle at him. "We just have to survive the next thirty minutes, that's all." He groans but pecks my lips anyway and walks back over to Harm. I guess he is glad once he spots the Admiral, Sturgis and Mattie, recruiting the latter instantly to 'Harm-duty', while I turn back to my anxious Marine.

**St Bartholomew-the-great**

**6 Kinghorn St.**

**City of London, UK**

**1102 local**

I nod towards Rabb and Roberts. If I didn't know better, Rabb would look all cool and controlled up there at that altar. Only those who know him well would recognize the slight tremor in his hands which he tries to keep occupied and the constant subtle attempt to catch a glimpse of his watch.

I straighten my own Dress Whites and thank God for tailors. Who would've thought that a year away from the Navy would get me that fat? Then again no more meetings with SECNAV, or watching my people pull stunts has really done a world of good for my blood pressure and appetite. I make a mental note to pick up my old jogging habit again.

I nod to Chaplain Turner and we silently agree that it's time for the ceremony to begin. I gently knock on the door of the bridal chamber and Harriet opens the door to reveal a beautifully dressed Mac. Her burgundy bridal dress flows all the way to the floor without being too flowery or complicated. It fits her well… simple but beautiful, like the bride herself. No scratch that. She isn't only beautiful, she's breathtaking, even to me and I'm not the lucky groom.

"May, I madam?" She gives me a nervous smile and I present her with the bridal bouquet Harm had made for her. He either has great taste in flowers, or he knew before what she'd wear. The small champagne colored roses are embedded with that green stuff florists are always so fond of. But I really got to admit, it's a beautiful bouquet for a beautiful bride. In fact, it's perfectly fitting for the two considering they met at the White House rose garden all these years ago.

Harriet, Turner's girlfriend and Chloe get into position in front of us and start walking up the aisle and at the nod of the Chaplain a piano starts playing some tune by Bach. I love the fact that Sturgis' father will perform the ceremony. It really has a meaning to the people from JAG in Washington.

Once the bridesmaids have taken up their position to the left side of the altar, everyone gets up from their respective seats and turns around expectantly. "Ready?" I ask Mac gently and she only squeezes my arm hard. "Let's do this, sir." I nod at her and make a gesture to the church assistant that we're ready.

The music starts to play in earnest now and slowly we make our way around the corner into the aisle of the church. "You know I never thought I'd get to do this." I murmur under my breath. I get another slight squeeze on my arm and she mumbles "One should never say never, AJ." I try not to frown, though her words don't really make sense to me.

I've been waiting for the look on Harm's face ever since Mac asked me to give her away. He obviously didn't know it, but he doesn't seem angered. He looks more like he is pleasantly surprised. But that may have more to do with the beautiful woman next to me; I have to admit that much.

Harm's eyes seem to travel all over her, then rest on her face and a tender smile appears on his features. I'll never understand why it took them so long, especially since I've seen that look on his face for years now. There's that almost innocent wonder, mixed with obvious admiration and unwavering respect.

At the altar I gently place her hand in Harms and just before I turn around to go back to my seat I can't help but saying "Take good care of the gift you're given!" He nods and gives me a quiet "I will, sir." in return.

I smile to myself when the two of them stand there staring at each other as though they're the only people in the world. That, too, reminds me of that fateful day so long ago. After the chaplain clears his throat to get their attention, they finally turn around to face him, but not before I can see Harm swallowing hard and Mac starting to nibble her lower lip.

"In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit," Chaplain Turner begins the ceremony and I follow his lead and cross myself. "We are gathered here today in the presence of God the almighty and the presence of family and friends, to witness and bless one of life's most treasured moments, and to add our well wishes to Harmon and Sarah in holy matrimony. And may those who cannot attend in person today be in our hearts and minds"

I look from the groomsmen to the bridesmaids and I have to stifle a groan when I spot Harriet already teary eyed to Mac's left. I should have known she starts dabbing her eyes long before Harm's mother or grandmother would.

"God intends the union of man and woman in heart, body and mind for only together can they become whole and find mutual joy for the health and comfort they give one another in prosperity and in adversity."

Turner looks over the gathered crowd and then comes to rest on Harm and Mac again. "Harm and Sarah, we are all given life as individuals when we are born and once we find our mate we must learn how to make a life together. Growing to love one another and meet life together is one of the greatest challenges and goals of marriage. " No kidding. One should have told me that before I said 'yes' to Marcella. I would have thought about that wedding twice.

"The holy Bible teaches us that the message of our Lord is love. Love can overcome all boundaries, obstacles and hard feelings…if we let it." I silently congratulate Turner on the choice of his words. They couldn't have been more fitting. No other couple I know had so many obstacles to overcome than the two up there.

"Harmon and Sarah, as your life goes on, remember always that love has brought you here today and it will be your love for each other that will make sure your union endures." I smile when I see Harm grasping for Mac's hand and the look that passes between them is so full of that love, it reminds me of the fact that nobody looks at me that way and hasn't for a long time.

I sigh and try to follow the ceremony again. "…but also remember, that marriage is not always the fairy tale. Many people believe that love is easy, when it is not. It takes love to get two people together. But it takes hard work to make a prosperous relationship." For a moment he looks sternly at the groom and bride and again I think he couldn't have chosen his words better.

Turner motions for Harm and Mac to sit down on the provided chairs while he walks over to the speaker's place. "Dear family, friends, coworkers" He makes a slight pause as his gaze swaps over the audience. "I want to tell you something about the two people sitting here in front of the altar like I got to know them. And don't worry; I will leave the embarrassing stories for you to share." He looks at Harm and Mac and for a moment there I think both are blushing.

"When I met Harm, he was a brash, young, determined and eager young man, ready to take on the world and impatient to get into a cockpit. That was a long time ago of course. When you, Harm, and Sturgis graduated from Annapolis yours, and with that our, paths separated for quite some time."

The chaplain looks at Sturgis, who has a gentle grin on his face and then back at the groom and bride. "When we met at JAG in Washington a few years back, believe it or not, I met the same determined, brash, cocky and impatient man, though he had grown some and he was sporting Commander's stripes on his sleeves by then. But all in all… he was pretty much the boy I had gotten to know when he was seventeen. And he was still impatient about cockpits." He turns towards Harm again and winks at him. "You hadn't changed a lot over the years, besides getting older and more experienced."

Then his gaze travels to Mac and another gentle smile spreads his features. "That was about the same time I met Sarah MacKenzie, or as her friends call her, Mac. It didn't take long for me to figure out, that the JAG office had not one, but two highly determined, stubborn, eager and very impatient lawyers. And I'm not talking about their Commanding officer." That earns him chuckles from the whole audience and a scowl from me, though I cannot quite keep the smirk off my face.

"I've also heard many stories about you two, Harm and Sarah. When I talked to my son, he would often speak of the unbeatable duo, the fated pair. Lots of people would think that 'fate' and 'destiny' would be appropriate terms to describe your relationship, because why else would you have met in a rose garden? God smiled down on you that day, as he does every day of your life."

Turner straightens a bit more and takes a deep breath once more. "The bible has many stories that can teach us God's ways. The apostle Paul writes in his first letter to the Corinthians, that love protects and preserves. From what I've learned about your relationship, it is a real testament to the truth of Paul's words. Both of you walked through some of the hardest parts of your life and you did it together, one way or another. You let love guide you in your ways and today, finally, it has led you here to this chapel, with your friends and family, to declare your love and your commitment to each other in front of God and everyone you wanted to share this special day with. And I'm proud that you allow me to perform this special ceremony for you." Chaplain Turner's eyes show the same gentleness he always shows, that calm, friendly and yet firm gaze he showed us on the battlefield that Christmas in Vietnam. I admire the man for that and for his unagitated behavior.

And here it comes. After he motions for Harm and Mac to get back up again, he asks the second most important question of the whole ceremony. "And I ask your friends and family, that if any among you can provide a solid reason why Harmon and Sarah should not be lawfully married, come forward now or hold your peace forever!" Chaplain Turner waits the respectful few seconds and I think my ears detect a low "Don't you dare!" from the altar and I hold the chuckle that threatens to make its way out my mouth… barely.

I grin when Harm looks casually over his left shoulder at the people sitting behind them, as if he would like to add his own scare to anyone who would even think of crashing this wedding. Then again, maybe he's just checking for Webb or Brumby or Ms. Peterson or whatever. God, that would really be a frightening thought.

I chuckle at Harm when Chaplain Turner looks sternly at him after that. "Harmon and Sarah, you have accepted the truth about your feelings and you have come here today to show, declare and congeal your commitment that you have always shared somehow. Please join your hands and answer from your heart."

A nervous smile hushes over both faces and at least Harm has to take a couple deep breaths before he nods that he is ready. I shake my head at it. They had years to get ready after all. Though from my own experience I know how enormous the feelings are they're facing right now and no amount of time could prepare for them.

He first turns to Harm and asks him. "Harmon, do you want to take Sarah as your wife? Do you promise to love her and honor her, to cherish and protect her, for richer and poorer, in sickness and health, staying faithful to her and holding to her only forevermore? Then answer with: I do!"

Harm swallows again but the "I do!" sounds firm and sure, not to mention it earns him a beaming smile from Mac.

But the chaplain turns toward her and looks at her expectantly. "Sarah, do you want to take Harmon as your husband? Do you promise to love him and honor him, to cherish and protect him, for richer and poorer, in sickness and health, staying faithful to him and holding to him only forevermore? Then answer with: I do!"

I hold my breath when she locks eyes with Harm's and gives a whispered "I do!", but it doesn't sound any less sure and determined than his had. The smile they share looks very relieved.

"May I have the rings, please?" Turner straightens up a bit more and waves AJ Roberts closer who is given a smile and a nod from Mikey. My namesake seems to take his job very seriously and carefully balances the rings on the small pillow.

Taking the rings from young AJ's pillow, the chaplain blesses them and shows them to the guests. "These wedding bands are an outward and visual sign that signifies the spiritual bond of this man and this woman in marriage. The unbroken cycle represents unbroken love, as it has no beginning or end, no giver or receiver, as each of you are both. May these rings remind you of the vows you are about to take."

Then he again turns to Harm first, asking him to take the ring and put it on his bride's finger. "With this ring, I thee wed in the name of the Father and Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." Harms fingers seem to be a little clumsy getting the ring in place and I feel that grin split my face again. Harm compensates with a slight kiss to Mac's knuckles

Now it's Mac's turn and her hand trembles equally when she reaches for the golden band resting on the little pillow. "With this ring, I thee wed in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

Their hands stay joined when they bow their heads to pray for God's blessing on their union. "May our Holy Father smile down on you and give you peace." He smiles warmly at the two who humbly look up again to see the chaplains grin widen. I believe the moment has come for him to announce what the two of them so desperately want to hear.

"And now, by the power vested in me by the Holy Father and the United States Navy, I pronounce you man and wife. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder." He is still smiling and makes a slightly impatient but humored gesture at a Harm who looks still mostly dazed. "Son, I believe it's high time you kiss your bride."

To my utter shock, Harmon Rabb junior blushes a deep crimson red once more but he complies and fuses his lips gently onto Mac's. I can pinpoint the exact moment when they forget their audience and slip back into that world that always seemed to exist for them alone for that kiss definitely turns into something else entirely.

After several moments, Chaplain Turner clears his throat again loudly which makes them stop. They look guiltily at the chaplain and I spot Bud just in time to see he has a hard time keeping in his laughter as well.

Everyone gets up to walk outside, so everyone can watch the newlyweds walk outside and through the Arch of Swords.

**St Bartholomew-the-great**

**6 Kinghorn St.**

**City of London, UK**

**1151 local**

Wow, we really did it. I can't explain the feelings going through me at the moment. Relief? Responsibility? Happiness? Fear? They all flow through me at once and the only thing that keeps me from running is the woman at my side. While our escort gets into position to lead us out I lean in for another kiss.

I always believed that what they said about your first kiss as a husband being special was a joke among guys. It isn't. Kissing my wife feels a hundred times more intense than kissing my fiancée ever was. And it can't even compare to kissing your girlfriend, though Mac never really was my girlfriend, so that doesn't count.

Theoretically I know what to do. Let the guests file out the church and wait until the guys can form the Arch, then walk through and after that get lots of pats and kisses from the guests. It sounds easy. But that's theory. Somehow my right and left part of the brain don't want to cooperate right now.

"I love you, Mac!" We kiss again and since we are mostly alone in the church, I don't care for the kiss to be a bit more heated than the one earlier. Mac's hand goes behind my neck to draw me down while my hands roam over her back and then up toward her cheek.

When I release her we are both slightly out of breath and a bit flushed. "You better keep that thought in mind for later, sailor." God, you bet! If it was for me, we could skip the whole reception thing; though my mother would probably kill me.

"… you need to move it." Merlin's beard, we almost missed our call. The door opens in front of us and Sturgis gives the order for the officers to draw and arch their swords.

"Blades to the wind. May I present for the first time, Captain Harmon and Mrs. Harmon Rabb junior." Mac hooks her arm under mine and together we pass under the upturned swords.

This wouldn't be a full military wedding without the traditional swat for the bride. Sturgis sports a broad grin when she jumps slightly. "Go Navy!" I grin down at her until I feel a similar swat to my own backside. Looking up I find General Cresswell, who's the last man on the right grinning as well. "Welcome to the Corps, Captain!" Yes, of course Mac would find that hilarious. That explains why she grins at me like a Cheshire cat.

I turn around and Cresswell looks at me expectantly while the guests erupt in loud cheers all around us. "Sorry, Captain. I just couldn't resist." He doesn't get out more than that, because suddenly I've got an arm full of my mother, who practically jumps me.

Once she releases me, I wipe the tears away that are falling down her cheeks and hug her close. "Thank you, mom!" I whisper, not trusting my voice right now. "No, thank YOU, Harm. It was a beautiful ceremony." She gives me a teary smile and I dab at her cheeks with my hanky.

**St Bartholomew-the-great**

**6 Kinghorn St.**

**City of London, UK**

**1200 local**

I patiently watch my wife hug her tall son and then our brand-new daughter-in-law. I know Harm has a father and I will never be able to reach that kind of natural respect he has for Harm senior. But I like to think that Harm and I have grown closer over the last couple years, especially since he found out about the fate of his old man.

Even though I feel the pride of a father today, watching him get married to the girl he's been going on about for almost a decade… I somehow wish Harm senior could be here, too. I'm no masochist who likes to put himself out to get hurt, I haven't felt threatened by his dad in a long time after all. But I still wish he could be here for Harm's sake. It would mean a lot to him… and I know it would mean a world to Trish, too. As it is, it's just one more, big event in the life of the young man I've come to love as if he was my own, that he has to do without his real father.

Waiting until my wife finally releases him, I step closer to Harm to shake hands. "Congratulations, son." I'm a bit startled when he pulls me close for a quick hug as well. I would have never expected this. "Thank you, Frank." I hug him tight for a moment and then turn my attention on his beautiful bride. "Welcome to the family, Sarah."

I hug her, too and she jokes that her friends call her 'Mac'. "Then welcome to the family, Mac." She winks at me and I kiss her on the forehead before I leave the two to the other well-wishers who got into line behind Trish and me.

I always thought military weddings are a huge thing, and the higher the rank of the officer, the bigger the crowd. I'm really pleasantly surprised that's not the case here. Harm and Mac have obviously only invited people that are important to them, though that is already a big enough group of people.

I'm introduced to a few people who have served with either Harm or Mac in the past and meet a few people that work with them at the moment.

Harm and Mac spend the better part of the next hour with well wishers and lots of hugs, while the guests can drink some non-alcoholic champagne or orange juice, before we all head to the reception.

**Four Seasons Hotel**

**46 Westferry Circus**

**Canary Wharf, London, UK**

**1641 local**

Whew, who would have thought that a wedding is such a marathon? I wonder if that feeling is normal or if I'm the only one infected. The hotel is a dream for a wedding reception. It overlooks the River Thames and the city, and it's tastefully decorated. I'm so glad I could talk Trish out of all the flowers and stuff. The same roses that Harm had made into my bridal bouquet now decorate the tables with a little ivy put in large beverages. I figured that white and green would look nice and elegantly enough for my wedding.

I glance at my new husband and find him looking at me, his head slightly tilted to the side and a dreamy smile on his face. "Have I told you, you look beautiful? I mean not that you usually aren't beautiful, but today you are…just wow!" I smile at him babbling and lean in for a chaste kiss. "And you look as handsome as ever!" I brush over his black and gold shoulder board and wipe away some imaginary dust.

"I'm happy, Harm." Instead of kissing me, he takes my hand in his and holds my gaze. And I start loosing myself in these eyes immediately. I don't know how long we stare at each other like this, but we're interrupted by a throat loudly clearing itself.

Looking around me, I see the Admiral standing over at his place with his glass raised. "Now that we've got everyone's attention, I would like to give a little toast to Harm and Mac." He smiles at both of us and crosses his arms over his chest in that typical impatient way he has about him.

"Normally, this part would be the responsibility of the bride's father, which makes me all the more proud to be entrusted with this important job." For a second I really thought he wanted to mention that my father was dead and my uncle still in Leavenworth. But I guess I should have known better. I grasp Harm's hand under the table again and he gives me this typical smile that tells me all is right with the world.

"Many would think that leading a JAG office is a relatively quiet job with mostly acceptable office hours, no battlefields and no war zones. We don't storm beaches or shoot the enemy... Usually. With Harm and Mac you were never sure." He pauses shortly and there are chuckles all over the room.

"I can't remember how often battlefield lines and war zones went right through the middle of JAG ops though." I have to snort at that and from the looks of it, Harm, too, has some trouble staying focused.

"When I first introduced them, I gave them the advice of not getting too close to each other. Not that they would have listened to that." Chegwidden has this annoyed look about him, but as long as his eyes twinkle like that, he can't fool anybody around here… I think…

"I didn't know what I was getting myself into, when I teamed them up, but I soon saw something unique happen. Within weeks, the two had formed first a careful partnership and in the end a deep friendship. It isn't often that your partner travels after you to the end of the world to keep your six safe." At that he looks at both of us directly and Harm squeezing my hand again, shows me he remembers, too. We both went to the ends of the world for each other.

"And after a while I began to sense something else. The deep friendship had obviously developed into a lot more. Harm and Mac, there were times when you fought so hard, I felt compelled to wear a flag jacket to the office and at other times you were working together like you didn't have a bother in the world. I sometimes lost hope that you would ever find the key to your feelings for one another and I'm glad to see, both of you have finally grown up enough to step up to that plate and accept what many of us have known for years. You have proven time and again, what a formidable team you can be once you put your mind to it. And in all those years, you've never found a match that could really threaten your success." The Admiral pauses again and looks intently at us.

I get the feeling he is conveying so much more meaning in his speech than just our track record in the courtroom. "If I had known it would take a transfer for both of you to opposite sides of this planet… I would have issued those orders years ago. Congratulations! To Harm and Mac!" With that he raises his glass as does everybody else to toast us. I feel a little smile on my lips and nod my acceptance toward him. All things considered… Harm and I took a strange road toward happiness.

**Four Seasons Hotel**

**46 Westferry Circus**

**Canary Wharf, London, UK**

**1942**** local**

I wrap my arms around my wife and hold her close while we sway to the soft music from the band. Earlier we gave our first dance as husband and wife and Mattie got in a great shot of the both of us with my digital camera. It's great to see that she's developing a hobby besides airplanes. The doctors haven't given their final verdict yet, but she needs something else to focus on in case she won't ever be allowed to pilot a plane again. As it is, she cannot even get her legs over _Sarah's_ fuselage.

Mom and Frank are enjoying themselves not far from us, and even the Admiral has some fun dancing. I let my eyes wander around a bit and narrow them as soon as I see my foster daughter dancing a little too close to a boy I don't recognize but who obviously belongs to the party. I nudge Mac and nod towards Mattie and she grins. "Wow, looks like someone is growing up, dad."

I roll my eyes at that and squeeze them a little more. "Mac, she's 15. Should she be doing… that?" I wave about their dancing and my wife just shakes her head slightly. "Harm, relax. They're just dancing!" I can SEE that, thank you very much.

As if on cue the song ends and we make our way over to the sidelines again. I'm feeling thirsty all of a sudden. Accidentally we walk by Mattie and her boy and I can't help quirking an eyebrow, feeling self satisfactory when he takes his arm from around her waist and she starts squirming.

I try to be polite and wait patiently until we are properly introduced. "Uh, Harm, Mac, this is Brian." The insolent young man has at least the decency to extend his hand in greeting. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you, sir. My father speaks very highly of you." And that father would be? "I'm sorry sir, I'm Lieutenant Commander Kenton's son, sir." Damn, I knew I shouldn't have allowed for mum to talk me into inviting families instead of just couples. It has the unwanted by-effect that people bring their kids and that in return causes me some serious headache right about now.

I'm just preparing to fire off a couple questions at the young man, when Mac shoves me toward the buffet and bids Brian a good evening. "Mac, what are you doing? We can't just let them get all cozy like that. They are children!" My tone turns into a slight hiss, but who cares?

But Mac rolls her eyes. "Harm, they were just dancing…having fun. They haven't been doing anything inappropriate, so stop fussing. You should be glad she actually does behave like a teenager for once." She gives me that incredulous look she always gets when she thinks I'm overdoing it. But hey, I'm responsible for this kid.

"You have no idea how dangerous boys that age can be, Mac." They are a devious lot, lots of funny ideas in their heads about girls and groping and stuff. Instead of taking me seriously, Mac only snorts at me. "Harm, you should see yourself. And I'm not so sure I want to know how you know about boys being dangerous at 15…" She trails off and hides her huge grin behind a glass of water.

I have no intention to answer the question she really asks here. "For your information, Marine, I read books on teenagers and they all say the same: hormones, hormones and hormones." I glance over at Mattie and her Brian again and I squeeze my eyes when they are already at it again.

"Harm, I know how protective you can be, but let her have a little fun, alright? And now quit the 'concerned father attitude'. Go and find your mum, she's been waiting for a dance with her son for like forever." I get a light kiss but before I can really do something about it, she draws already away and wanders off. "Hey, and where do you go?"

She turns around and gives me that Marine grin that used to annoy the hell out of me. "I'm going to find myself a dance partner I'm not married to!" Uh? What's that supposed to mean? Hey! But she's already surrounded by some of our friends and coworkers and I really don't care to make an ass of myself today. For once…

Well, before I go and find my mom, I need something to drink. After all that's why I steered Mac off the dance floor in the first place. From the corner of my eye I keep taps on Mac though and marvel at her being swirled around by first the Admiral, then my stepfather and in the end Keeter. I should have known he would try to 'hit' on her sooner or later. He can claim to be the same carefree young guy he used to be 15 or 20 years ago, but he can never fool me into believing a word of what he says.

I spend the next hour dancing with various people and I even manage to get in a dance with Mattie. I enjoy that the most after dancing with Mac. She has been instrumental in getting me where I am today. Without her I wouldn't have Mac in my life today. "So, how is he?" I ask her once I get the feeling we are on safe ground again.

Mattie frowns a moment. "You mean Brian?" I quirk my eyebrow at her and she blushes. Just great! "Yeah?" She starts telling me about him and I make a mental note to keep close track of these two for the rest of the evening.

"He's great. I was hoping someone my age would be around today, other than Chloe that is. She's really nice, but she wandered off a while ago." I sigh in relief and she narrows her eyes in suspicion. "Harm? Come on you didn't think that…relax alright? I told you a while ago that it wasn't my primary concern to have a boyfriend." Am I that obvious?

"It's ok, girl. I just… well it's… I never saw you with a boy, that's all." She grins at me and if anything her eyebrows travel up even higher on her forehead. "Just admit you were jealous and we're even." I can't help myself, I just have to laugh at that. "Deal. You are going to make me nuts one of these days, you know?" But instead of looking contrite, she simply shrugs. "I had a good teacher!"

It takes me over an hour to hunt down Mac again. I'm taking a break from all this dancing. If somebody had mentioned that I'd have to dance my feet raw, I would have opted for a Vegas wedding, or at least for the hillside and the goats Mac wanted with Brumby.

I walk outside on the balcony and once I overhear Mac talking to Chloe I bite my tongue not to laugh out loud. "…young lady! What did you think, wandering off with him all alone? You can be glad I found you instead of somebody else."

I turn the corner into their line of view and the corners of my mouth turn upward even more. Mac has her hands on her hips and is literally towering over her little sister and a boy her age I don't know. "Ma'am, we were just…" he doesn't get out more, because my wife shuts him up the second he opens his mouth. "And you hold your tongue, mister. So far I haven't told your dad that I found you out here, snogging my little sister. Make sure it stays that way!"

I decide it's smarter to let them think I didn't hear this and walk back in. There are a couple people here that I still didn't really get a chance to chat with. Silently I grin, though. Who was it again, that told me to let the girls have some teenage fun? Hormones, hormones, hormones!


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

**Four Seasons Hotel**

**46 Westferry Circus**

**Canary Wharf, London, UK**

**0245 ****local**

I can't believe we've been dancing and shaking hands until almost 0300 in the morning. Harm guides me up the hallway towards our suite, which came as quite a surprise to me earlier. I thought we would go back to our house after the festivities, but Harm simply dangled the entry card to the suite in front of my face and grinned. "As far as I know our bedroom is currently equipped with hundreds of paper cups filled with water. And I don't want to spend my wedding night cleaning that up." With that he simply leaned in and started guiding me to the elevators.

Considering this is going to be our wedding night, Harm seems rather passive, only placing his right hand on the small of my back and giving me that hammer smile that's given me weak knees for years. Only when the elevator doors slide shut he turns around and holds me tight, both his hands on my waist. He starts to kiss me, but not passionately like I expected. Instead he keeps it sweet and loving, when I know his mind is really elsewhere.

Harm fumbles the key card into the lock and holds my shoulder to stop me from walking in. I want to turn around and fire off an annoyed remark but I don't get the chance to say a single syllable, before he sweeps me off my feet and carries me over the threshold. I laugh at the sheepish grin on his face and swat him just for the sake of it. "Hey, it's tradition!"

"Yeah, because we are so good at traditional!" My husband only shrugs and puts me down on the ground. "It's what husbands do, Mac. They carry their wife over the threshold. It's kinda like throwing the bouquet for the girls…" I roll my eyes and give him another poke on his chest. "Yeah and throwing the garter for the guys."

We look at each other and suddenly burst out laughing. I really hope Harriet got a good shot with the camera when Varese first caught the bouquet and then, a moment later, Sturgis got my garter. "You cheated, Mac. I overheard you earlier when you told the girls not to catch your flowers." Ha, Harm really has some nerves… "And you honestly thought I wouldn't notice you flipping that thing strategically into Sturgis' direction?"

He gives me a frown and another one of these sheepish grins. "I actually meant for Keeter to get it, but Sturgis got in the way." Well, I better not mention, that the great Harmon Rabb junior, strategically trained and battle-tested miscalculated the direction of his target. It will give me ammunition for later. Marines can never have enough of that against sneaky Navy guys after all.

We stand there, looking at each other and I'm mesmerized by the depth of those blue grey orbs that can tell so much more than the vocal cords in their owner's throat. I walk closer to my new husband and put my hand over the place where his heart is. I can feel it racing in his chest like I know my own does right now. The enormity of today slowly settles in and I have to swallow hard.

Later, I wouldn't be able to tell who started the first kiss or how long it took. All I know is that of their own accord, our heads move closer together and my lips part willingly, welcoming Harm's. We deepen the kiss and our lips dance to a rhythm of their own.

Harm's hands slowly glide down my face towards my shoulders, then lower even to my elbows before he folds me into his strong embrace, against the hard planes and angles of his chest. I can feel the heated ache of desire rushing through me and my arms wind around his neck, one hand sliding through his silky hair and cupping the back of his head, so I can pull him even closer to me.

When we draw back from each other, we are both panting, our chests rising and falling at an irregular pattern. His blue grey eyes have turned a dark shade of grey. "I've been waiting for this forever, Sarah." He whispers in a rough voice, just before he leans in again for another kiss.

I start popping the golden buttons on his dress uniform open, peeling one after the other through their holes. For years I've dreamed to take this particular uniform off him, imagined what it would be like and the most colorful imagination doesn't even come close to this.

It feels like our first time all over again and Harm surprises me once again. It will never cease to amaze me, how the proud and eloquent man turns into a shy and vulnerable being in moments like this. I give a nervous laugh when I feel his warm hand searching for the zipper at the back of my dress and with a little help we both manage to open my wedding dress together.

I'm not far behind either and his uniform jacket drops to the floor, frustrating me with the white t-shirt he always wears underneath. We take turns in peeling parts of our clothes away and soon we are both only covered in our undergarments, all the time sharing kisses that are achingly sweet and passionate at the same time.

Harm takes glorious eternity to peel my bra off my body, first sliding it off one arm and then the other, then leaning in to press tiny kisses on my shoulder and arms. By the time he has it finally off, I'm trembling all over.

His gaze travels over me, from my face lower to my breasts and then back up, caressing my body with his eyes and without a conscious decision, my hands lift and start exploring the hard muscles under his shirt, pulling it up his still hard stomach and kissing what I uncover. I realize in awe that his abs start contracting beneath my touch and his breath comes in rough, ragged hisses that sound suspiciously like my given name. "Sarah, please…" The hiss turns into a groan when my hands find his nipples, and I give in to the temptation to taste them. I kiss my way from one to the other and finally push the shirt over his head.

"My turn" he groans and takes my hands off his shoulders and holds them to my side for a moment. His hands slide up my flanks and softly cup my breasts, caressing the ultra-sensitive skin they find there. It takes every ounce of my self-restraint to keep moving and he doesn't make it any easier, when his lips close over my right hard nipple, his tongue lightly gracing me.

When he switches sides, I can't take it any longer and start fumbling at his Navy issued white boxers. I push them off his hips at the same time he finally pushes away my lacy panties and within seconds, both items fall onto the soft carpet underneath our feet.

Before I can do anything else, I'm in his arms, cradled against his chest and he carries me over to the waiting king size bed of our suite. He puts me down in the middle and immediately I reach for him, expecting him to stretch out beside me. But he doesn't. He decides to kneel at my hip, his right hand slowly sliding from my throat down, through the valley of my breasts and then across my stomach. My eyes follow his hand and I realize his muscles aren't the only ones contracting underneath a lover's touch. I look back up at Harm and find his face in deep concentration, his eyes barely holding in the firestorm of desire.

I drag him down next to me and marvel again at how unbelievably male he is. The hard muscles have filled him out when he got older and he is no longer the trim, lean man I met all those years ago.

He props up on one elbow and leans over me, pressing feather-light kisses to my cheeks and forehead, then my nose before his lips find mine once more and I loose myself in another of our kisses. My brain barely registers his hand sliding the length of my body, his nails creating a delicious friction on my smooth and already over-stimulated skin.

His hand finds all my sensitive spots, and like the trained pilot he is he zeroes in on them with his mouth, kissing each and every one of them thoroughly, coaxing me to heights I only find with him.

It feels like his hand and mouth are everywhere at once, provoking sensations so intense I'm not sure I'll be able to endure for very long. I fall over the edge when I feel his strong fingers sliding into the most secret part of me, arching my back to get more of him and he draws it out, slowly sliding his fingers in and out and a second wave is already in the making before the first one has really ebbed away. "It's ok Sarah, let go for me." Comes the whisper in my ear a second later and I start loosing track of where he is and when, because just a second later, I feel his lips over my sensitive bud and all intentions I might have had in drawing this out fly right out the window. With a strangled groan I fly over the edge a second time, panting hard.

As soon as I can breath again, I push him back down onto his back. He has taken me onto a very sensual journey already and I need to take him with me now, to show him the same slow pleasure he has offered me. I reach for him and grasp his straining manhood but he turns my hand away determinedly.

I know I sound pleading now, but I really need to feel him, to make him tremble like he made me tremble. "Please… please let me touch you." He shakes his head violently and presses another set of kisses against my throat "I can't Sarah, I want you too much right now."

For a moment his words don't make any sense, especially considering the impressive, rock-hard evidence currently pressing against my hip. I can feel the control he is imposing on himself, his body trembling from the strain all over and I can even hear his struggle in the hitch of his breath.

His hand travels again, this time behind my knee which he raises a second later and pulls it over his own hip, bringing us intimately close to each other. It would be so easy to move this last inch closer to him, but he holds me down, not letting me move up his timetable.

We are half on our sides and with a shift of his hips, I can feel the broad, blunt tip of him probing gently at my entrance and this time he doesn't manage to hold me back, because I arch my back and press closer, urging him on to finally join us together.

I almost cry with joy when he slowly and tenderly slides inside, filling me completely and still waiting for my body to accommodate him. A wave of sheer happiness sweeps through me, threatening to consume me completely. No matter how often we do this, it always feels like two halves have come together.

"You alright?" The lone tear sliding down my cheek must have caused this concern and all I can do is draw his head down for another kiss and rasp in his ear that I'm feeling wonderful. He tenderly wipes away the wetness on my face and starts withdrawing from within me with the same tenderness he entered a moment ago.

He slides almost all the way out and already I'm aching to feel him deeper inside again, but I don't have to worry long, because he slowly moves back towards me and I can't help but smile up at him. It seems to encourage him to start a rocking motion that caresses me from within, while his hands still make love to my breasts and both sensations take me away to a world of pure bliss and sensation.

His pace is torturing me, I need more than this, but he doesn't give an inch, instead keeping to his rhythm, while I'm desperate to reach my release. The urgency in me makes me whimper, I know, but I can't help it. Somehow he must sense my distress though, or he wouldn't suddenly pick up the pace

Somewhere in my brain it registers that Harm is somehow holding himself back a little and I try to push against him, urging him on to let go. Between pants I tell him what I need. "Harm, its ok, just let it go. I need you to let it go." He looks down at me and he's obviously unable to talk at this moment, but he seems to have understood what I want, because he quickens his pace and rolls fully on top of me, placing his full weight on his forearms and now rocks his entire body back and forth, stroking me even more with each thrust.

I wrap my legs around his waist and draw him even closer, deeper, silently showing him that he can't hurt me. I can already feel the sweet tension slowly build inside me, spreading from the core of my very being, waiting to be released.

I feel the tension momentarily coil tighter and tighter inside me and I know I can't take much more of this sweet torture. Harm thrusts once more and that's all I need to fly over the edge, shattering my control into a million pieces and all of them scream 'complete happiness' at me. And all these tiny pieces belong to one man only, always did and always will.

I can feel Harm's release too; uncoiling deep inside me and pleasant warmth spreads through me, lulling me into a cocoon of happiness. He tries to draw out both our pleasure, his eyes squeezed shut, and a long, throaty groan escapes his lips that sounds like my name. His whole being is trembling violently for what seems ages until the tension finally leaves his body and he slumps down next to me in exhaustion.

It takes us both a while to catch our breath and once I can think more clearly again, I start chuckling, which earns me a confused look from my husband. "I'm sorry, Harm. I just thought, not only the first kiss as man and wife is unbelievable!" He gives me that shy smile he always sports when we are in an intimate moment like this. "It was, wasn't it?"

He rolls over to wrap me into his arms and we both wrinkle our noses at our stickiness. I don't want to leave the bed at the moment though and when he tries to get up I tighten my hold around his waist to let him know I want him to stay.

**Four Seasons Hotel**

**46 Westferry Circus**

**Canary Wharf, London, UK**

**0334 ****local**

We lie there for quite some time, neither of us saying anything. This moment doesn't need any words anyway. The woman I love is finally wearing my wedding band on her hand, a hand I'm currently holding and stroking slightly, and we just celebrated our commitment to each other in a wonderful wedding.

After all the buzz of today's events, the quietness of this hotel-suite is welcome, especially since I can share it with Mac. I know it sounds sappy and silly, but right about now, I don't have a care in the world.

After a while Mac sighs and I turn my head so I can look at her, her big brown eyes upturned to me and a small shy smile on her lips. I draw the finger of my free hand over her cheek and lean in for a chaste kiss. "Care to share?"

She blushes for a moment and I raise my eyebrow. "Am I that obvious?" I nod my head slightly and she settles back onto my chest before she starts speaking. "I just thought about the moment I realized I was seriously in love with you."

Oh oh… she isn't going to get into the fact that we, mostly I, wasted nine years of our relationship until we got married, right? Not in our wedding night of all nights? "And?" I ask carefully, trying not to say too much, knowing I better keep my big mouth shut in moments like these.

She gives a little shrug and starts talking in a very low voice, barely above a whisper. "I'm not sure. I think it was that night in the Appalachians." Hmmm, I remember her asking me about '_Sarah_' and whether or not I still loved her. I can remember that I wondered why her voice suddenly sounded so jealous, too. "I knew for sure when you told me you were going back to active flight status."

I tighten my hold on her involuntary. In hindsight, the fact that I was in love with her even then made me go and ask for her opinion. I kiss her temple to offer silent support, knowing I hurt her badly then.

We fall into silence once again. Her hand is trailing lazy patterns over my chest, her head comfortably snuggled into the crook of my arm. We don't take time for things like this often enough. Just cuddling and spending time together. At least not since our relationship turned physical. I make a mental note to enjoy this more often and not just on Sunday mornings before everyone gets up.

I chuckle. Keeter would laugh at me, if he could see me like this. It's Mac's turn to lift her head and look dumbfounded and I hurry to explain. It's not smart to start laughing while in bed with your wife… or so I'm told. "I just thought about Keeter and the fact that he would laugh at me if he could see us like this. You know… me in bed with a beautiful woman and doing nothing but cuddling…" A big grin spreads her stunning lips and she leans over for a kiss that turns into something else immediately.

"I understand fully… pilot reputation and all that." She leans down for another kiss and for a moment there is nothing else, just her and me. We kiss for what seems forever, lazy and slow, like there is no tomorrow.

When we finally lean back to catch our breaths, she brushes her hand over my locks that stand without doubt in all directions by now and pecks my nose.

We settle back into the covers and cuddle for a little longer, my eyes almost dropping shut by now. It's been a long day and an emotional roller coaster for both of us. I can feel how the adrenaline is slowly disappearing now and it only leaves a satisfied glow behind.

But before we fall asleep, we really ought to take a shower. Mac grudgingly agrees and drags herself out of bed to walk over to the Jacuzzi waiting for us there. I'm kind of proud for arranging this but one look at her and I decide to try the bathtub in the morning and really only go for a shower at the moment. Mac is dead tired and to be honest, adrenaline or not, so am I. We make quick work of washing the sweat off each other instead of enjoying this whole experience some more.

I'm almost asleep when Mac asks me about when I knew I was in love with her. I was afraid she would ask me that earlier and hoped she wouldn't bring it up again. But here we are. I don't answer for some time until she props herself up on one elbow and looks down at me expectantly. Damn!

"I… uh…" The one question a guy really fears… This is really hard. I could always adapt the facts a little I suppose… A raised eyebrow later I decide on the truth. After all, it's my wedding night and it's really not smart to start a married life together on a lie.

"Well, I don't know exactly when I fell in love with you." That's god's honest truth. "I… well… when you were tried for Ragle's death and we were in the Admiral's office because Brumby and I didn't agree on things, he accused us all of being in love with you…" She knows that story. I told her that on the Admiral's porch on her engagement party to Brumby.

"When he said it, it suddenly made me think and I had to accept that he was right." Not that I would have admitted as much, but still. It hit me really hard at that moment. "Before that… I never really thought about it." Which is true as well. Until that moment, I had never even stopped for a second to analyze my feelings for Mac. Sure she was important to me and part of my life like nobody else, but I had never really considered anything beyond friendship… at least apart from my occasional thoughts of kissing her. Only after Brumby's accusation, was it suddenly clear to me, that I wanted a whole lot more than what I'd usually had with my other girlfriends.

Mac doesn't say anything for a long while and I'm too chicken to turn my head and check if she's angry or not. "I know it sounds…" But she jumps in "very male!" That makes me turn my head and I'm relieved not to find her angry. She does seem a little hurt though.

"Mac, Sarah… you meant a lot to me and I knew that. You have to admit I've always been very protective of you. All Brumby did was stating the obvious. It wasn't like he made me see that you were lovable… he just pointed out what was already there." That seems to soften her a little but she's still way too silent.

I sit up on the bed and rest my back against the headboard, dragging her closer and pulling her into my arms. "I know how this sounds." I reach for her right hand that now sports her wedding band and start playing with the golden sign that will, from now on, show the whole world that she is spoken for.

"I wanted this for a long time. Even when we weren't on talking terms I sometimes imagined what it would be like to see you wear my ring and know that I would come home to you from wherever my job would take me."

We sit there for a little longer, and after a while I can feel the tension leave her and she snuggles closer to me. "I love you, too."

With that we slip beneath the covers and she settles into her favorite position: my arm around her, her head against my chest and her arm thrown across my torso. I grin at the picture. My Marine is possessive… but considering everything, I wouldn't want it any other way.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1502 ****local**

In a way it's mean that Harm has to be at the office already while I was given the afternoon off. I had actually hoped to spend some time with Chloe, now that she is here, but she and Mattie spend most of the time holed up in Mattie's room, listening to things that give me a headache. It's a miracle they aren't deaf yet.

I have just curled up on the couch to start on my brand new Tom Clancy novel, when the phone rings and I groan.

"Rabb residence?" I stifle another groan when I hear who's on the other end and explain who I am. "This is Captain Byram's office at COMNAVAIRLAND, ma'am. I just wanted to let you know, that your husbands request to be taken out of the carrier-qualification-schedule has been approved. You'll get this in writing, of course, but your husband told me it was urgent, when he called our office about his request on Friday."

For a moment I'm paralyzed. What does this mean? I thank the Petty Officer on the phone and hang up, not knowing how to take this. Why the hell would Harm send in a request to postpone his quals, after assuring me they would neither interfere with our wedding nor with our honeymoon?

I just hope for his sake, that he didn't lie to me about that. That would be just great. A fully planned honeymoon cut short because Mister supersonic needs to be on a carrier god knows where.

I promised myself a while ago, that I wouldn't get angry about Harm and flying anymore. And I'm currently trying very hard to keep that promise. I'm worried though and I have a hard time keeping my temper in when he gets home. I just hope for my nerves, that he won't be kept at the office.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1632 local**

Another day at the office and that means another day closer to my alone time with Mac. I really enjoy our family life with Mattie and I have to admit I like it that my mom and Frank are still around London and come to visit. But as good as that is, I want to be alone with my new wife for a while where nobody bothers us.

I enter our home and find her going through some papers at the living room table. Her erratic moves with the papers tell me, she is wound up a little and I better not tick her off just now. I move in behind her and gently wrap her in my arms, giving her a proper hello, but her head seems to be far away.

"Where's Mattie?" I ask, hoping our young charge has decided to take Chloe out to see some stuff around the city, rather than spend another afternoon holed up. "She and Chloe went to see Madame Toussaud's. I convinced them that listening to music is possible in the evenings too, but that sightseeing makes only sense during the day… at least at their age."

Mac gives me a noncommittal shrug and goes back to her stack of papers. "How was your day?" I ask while angling for a soda in the fridge and I earn another shrug of shoulders again. "Maaaac… did something happen?" Alright, Rabb… it's obvious something happened. I want to probe some more but I don't get the chance.

Mac whirls around and gets up from her spot on the table and towers in front of me. "You tell me. Carrier quals, COMNAVAIRLAND, request… ring a bell?" Oh, oh…I hold my hands up in surrender to calm her down. "Mac, it's not what you think." But she doesn't listen.

"Not what I think? You told me your quals wouldn't interfere with our wedding or honeymoon, you failed to tell me you had to postpone them. I guess I should be happy you postponed them instead of the wedding, right?"

I turn her around to face me before she can stomp off to fume somewhere. "Mac… Sarah. Would you please calm down? I didn't postpone my quals alright?" Mac only snorts sarcastically. "I didn't! I put in a request not to renew my carrier qualification at all!" Her struggles against my grip stop and she simply stares at me in shock.

I hadn't meant for her to find out like this, but damn it, what's her problem? She never liked it when I went up. Mac keeps staring at me open-mouthed and only comes to herself after a long moment. "You won't keep up your Hornet-qualification?" Her voice is full of suspicion and shock.

I wipe my hand over my forehead and try to put together a speech that wouldn't work her up any further. "No, I won't. I put in my request to end my re-qualification flights last Monday." Instead of softening, her eyes become harder though and the hands she stems into her hips only underline that I've managed to step onto yet another landmine.

"Interesting that I get to hear that from a Petty Officer, down at COMNAVAIRLAND, instead of you. And after you handed in the request no less!" I hate it when she starts twisting things like that. Already I can feel the anger and frustration creep up inside my own throat and I can't leave out the sarcasm when I tell her I didn't know I had to check all my decisions with her.

"All your decisions? Harm, this is an important part of your career and you don't feel the need to at least tell me about it?" Just bloody wonderful. Now anger has given in to hurt and I already mentally kick myself for the comment. On the other hand I don't understand what the big deal is and I tell her so.

"Big deal? It's not a big deal that you give up flying for good? It's not a big deal that you turn in your wings… the wings you fought so hard to keep after you crashed your Tomcat into the Atlantic Ocean the night before my destined wedding to Mic. The very same wings you valued so important that you left JAG and all your friends behind, after an eight year break? The ones you jeopardized your career for and probably postponed your promotion to Commander?" She comes walking towards me and hammers her index finger into my chest with each word, her voice getting louder and louder.

I turn around and walk back towards the front door. "You know what? I thought you of all people would be happy I finally stop flying. What was it you accused me of? Playing Peter Pan and following a boys dream when already a mature man?" With that I put my cover back on and slam the door shut behind me.

I get behind the steering wheel of my Corvette and hit the accelerator as hard as I can, making the tires screech as I speed off. Only a couple blocks away from our home do I slow down to take a break. I should know better than driving like this… especially in this car.

Why is she so angry about all this? I sit there in the car for I don't know how long before I punch a familiar number into my cell.

**Horn Tavern**

**40 Knights Hill, **

**London****, UK **

**1645 local**

I'm kind of surprised the Captain wants to meet at this Pub of all places and I can't come up with a single reason for it either. I park my car at the curb behind his Corvette and enter the cozy bar where I spot him toward the back in a corner booth, already nursing a beer.

"Sir, you wanted to see me?" He nods towards the chair and I sit down, while he flags down the bar attendant and I order a Stout. "This isn't about business, Bud. I thought we established that I'm 'Harm' outside the office."

I note that he still wears his uniform while I already changed into my jeans and shirt after getting home. "I'm sorry Harm. I'm kind of surprised. I take it this is not a strictly social call?"

Harm leans forward and starts playing with the condensed water running down his glass. "I need advice, Bud." I raise my eyebrow and look at him expectantly, trying my best not to appear too eager. "What happened?"

He is silent for a minute, still playing with the droplets on his glass until he reaches over and hands me a folded piece of paper, with a nod for me to read.

My eyes scan the letter and I frown at what I see. "Harm, are you serious about this?" He gives me a sharp nod and takes another swig, ordering a second beer. "So when are you going to hand it in?" He sighs and tells me he already did. "And what did Mac say when you told her you wanted to quit flying?" I'm slowly getting a sense of where this is going to go, but I hope against my better knowledge, that he wasn't that dumb.

"She obviously answered the phone today when the call from COMNAVAIRLAND came to let me know they approved my request." Yup, there goes my hope, but I still want to clarify it. "So… you handed in the request and didn't tell her you would?" Please say no, please!

"Yes!" I fight the urge to shake him and hit my head on the table at the same time. How can a man of his education and talent be so damn mindless? "I didn't think it's got anything to do with us, it's my decision whether or not I want to keep up my flight status."

I groan in frustration. "Harm, that's the first rule of married life. NOTHING is just YOUR decision. Of course it concerns your career, but she's the one who was worried whenever you went out to a carrier. You should have seen the way she was every time she knew you would get your hand on a Tomcat or Hornet. She would snip at everybody and hole herself up in her office all day… and that was at a time when you weren't a couple even!"

Harm throws up his hands in frustration and nearly knocks over his beer. "But that's just it. I know she's worried whenever I go up, so why isn't she just glad I decided to leave active flight status?" I sigh. He just doesn't get it, does he?

"Harm, it's probably not that she isn't glad you made that decision. She is probably just worked up over the fact that you didn't talk to her before you acted. You know Mac better than any of us and yet you didn't think for one moment, that handing in your request and NOT telling her about it beforehand would be a dangerous thing to do?"

We spend the next hour and a half talking about the unwritten duties of a husband and I try to be as precise as possible in guiding him while not appearing to do so. When he keeps asking me if I want to drink something else I get suspicious. "Harm, by all means, it's not going to get any easier by putting it off. Hiding here won't solve the problem." And I know that from experience.

"I know… it's just… maybe I just wasn't made to be a husband." Now I don't believe that for a second and I tell him so. With time he will learn to avoid situations where he makes an ass of himself… which doesn't mean he won't end up in a tight spot every now and then. I flag down the bartender again and pay my check before I pat his shoulder and walk out to my car. I'm sure he's going to wallow in there for a little longer but there's nothing I can do about that. I just hope he won't wait too long.


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1921 local**

I put my key in the lock and enter the house. It's completely silent inside. I put down my cover and walk over to the living room, where I find Mac curled up on the couch with a novel of some sort. The scene makes me smile. It's so domestic and cozy to see her like this, her face showing an intent concentration on the pages in front of her and her face illuminated by the soft glow of the reading lamp next to the sofa.

I feel my smile fade when she looks up and her cold and angry eyes stare back at me in distaste. "Nice of you to make it back!" She says flatly and returns her eyes to her book, obviously intent on ignoring me.

I stand there for a minute, looking at her giving the impression of reading, shifting my weight from one foot to another. A voice in my head tells me to approach the subject and clear the air between us. But I chicken out and instead turn on the spot to go upstairs and change out of my uniform.

When I take off my shirt I sit down on the bed heavily. I know I will still be allowed to wear my wings in the future. Tom Boone still wore his years after he last made a trap on a carrier and Admiral Chegwidden wore his SEAL trident even after he stopped his annual training sessions. I trace the golden metal with my thumb. I know I made the right decision in handing in my request to not re-qualify. But from now on, these wings will be meaningless. They will be nothing but a memento of my past and it will be my choice whether or not I want to wear them in the future. I wouldn't even be out of uniform if I wore them one day and forgot to pin them on the next. I just wish Mac wouldn't be so angry about this.

I shake my head and put the shirt in the hamper with my other uniform shirts that I'll need to bring to the dry cleaner's. I make short work of the rest and put on a pair of faded jeans and a shirt. It's still pretty warm outside, so I ditch the socks and steel myself for what will expect me downstairs.

"Did you have dinner yet?" Easy, Rabb. Keep it simple for the time being. But it's too late for that. "Yes." Well, that puts a damper on my hopes. "Why didn't you wait for me?" I try to ask as gently as possible, but she is in full attack mode already. "'I' didn't wait for 'YOU'? You have some nerve, Captain!" She whirls around and her eyes blaze in open fury. "The kitchen is 2.5 degrees North-north-west behind you, the fridge is user friendly. Enjoy your meal!" With that she walks out the glass door that leads out into the garden and leaves me standing there.

Damn, today I seem to walk from one disaster right into the next one. I follow her outside and as soon as I spot her, I start hating myself even more. "I'm sorry." And I am. I should have been more sensitive, especially since I know how she reacts. I just never imagined she would be unhappy with this. "I just didn't think…" She holds up her hand and throws the next set of harsh words back at me.

"No, you obviously didn't! But that's just you, isn't it? Harmon Rabb always decides what he wants and the rest of us just have the choice of either following or being left behind!" I sigh. "Mac… I never meant to hurt you."

She looks away from me. Why is it I always fuck it up with her? "When were you going to tell me?" The question holds a lot of suspicion and uncertainty. I sigh again. There's no way I can avoid making an ass out of myself for the second time in one day. "I would have told you eventually. But I didn't think it would have that much an impact on us. I mean it wasn't like I decided we move halfway round the world." I walk over to her and grab her hands in both of mine while I speak. She doesn't resist.

"I suppose I should have talked to you about it first, huh?." Mentally I add that it wouldn't have made a difference in my decision, but I don't think it's smart to say that out loud right now. "I made that mistake before…I know that now. But I didn't make the decision to hurt you, you have to believe that." At least she answers with a deep sigh and turns her head back towards me again. Well, we're making some progress here.

"I know that. I just wish…" she throws up her hands in frustration "I just wish you had told me before I got to know it from foreigners, Harm." I can understand that much and I realize that it wasn't very smart of me. I still don't exactly understand why she wasn't simply glad I made that decision.

I guess Bud was right. All Mac wanted was a heads-up and nothing more. I make a mental note to follow that rule from now on. It will never cease to amaze me, how wise Bud can be when it comes to relationship advice. I have a feeling I will be his student for a while to come.

She walks over to me and I grab her hand, setting her ring right so the little diamond would face up again. "Does that mean you aren't mad at me anymore?" I'm rewarded with a small smile and already my evening starts to look brighter. "Well, I'm not furious anymore if that's what you mean. But you aren't completely off the hook yet." Whew, I feel like wiping my brow but I keep from it.

After standing outside for a while I realize she starts to shiver in the cooling breeze and I lead her in towards the sofa where she curls up and flips on the TV. We decide to watch a movie since the girls are once again holed up in Mattie's room.

Sitting close to her like this feels like it always has. Even when we were just friends, we would end up on the sofa like this and strangely enough I never really thought anything strange about it back then. God, we were so hopeless.

I pull her closer to me and she doesn't resist. Within moments we are comfortably intertwined and to be honest the movie doesn't register with me at all, because I get to hold her close like this. It's not sexual tonight. It is simply coziness, domesticity. And it feels right.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**2302 ****local**

Harm has been awfully quiet all evening and he's tried to pamper me since he got home earlier. In fact he really seems to be sorry for holding out on me and all the attention tonight is probably due to his bad conscience. Serves him right… I think.

After our movie earlier he presented me with a desert he threw together and even filled the bathtub for me. A hot bath at the end of August… that must be my first. I never noticed this before, but it's really hard to be mad at him when he tries to be so sweet.

I slide over in bed to make room for him and as usual he wraps me in his strong arms before he shuts off the light. We lie there for a while, neither of us speaking, but I'm far from sleep at the moment. I can hear his breathing and know he doesn't sleep either.

I replay today's events and one thing strikes me. He made the decision not to keep up his active flight status and he never told me about handing in his request. Ok, I know in a way it's just Harm being Harm, but still. He should have told me. The question that nags me now is… why?

He loves flying and I'm sure that he wouldn't have come back to JAG if he had had any chance of a career in aviation. He's been almost anal about his annual qualifications, getting continuances on his ongoing cases if he had to, not to mention his excitement that usually started a week before and lasted until a week after the event.

"Harm?" I steel myself for the question that is burning on my tongue. "Yeah?" Good, he doesn't sound sleepy. "Why'd you do it?" I can hear him take a deep breath behind me, but he doesn't answer. A horrible feeling starts to creep up my backside when an awful thought strikes me. "You didn't do it because of us, did you?" Because I really couldn't bear that thought. I want him to rely on me and know that I'll be there for him at all times, no matter if he's flying or not.

The minutes tick by and I almost think he won't answer at all, but when he does, he hugs me tighter to him for a moment before he starts speaking. "No, but it was time." I raise my eyebrow, futile as it is with the room pitch black and my back to him. I turn around in his arm and rest my head on his shoulder to make this easier. I wait for him to clarify his comment, but he doesn't.

"What do you mean it was time?" I can feel him shrug. "What I said. It was time to quit flying. I'm no kid anymore." So what does that mean? Does he feel old? Is this about midlife crisis? I would have thought with a man like Harm that would mean he would try to fly more, not less.

I lean up on my elbow to get a better look at him in the dark room. I can't see much, but I can make out his face and the soft light coming in from the street light illuminates him enough for me to see his eyes. "Harm, you are hardly old. And if you didn't do it because you thought I wouldn't approve… then why?" I mean, if I was honest to myself, I would have to admit that I was worried about his flying for as long as I've known him. It never sat well with me when I knew he would get his hands on a Tomcat. But that doesn't mean I would demand he quits doing what he loves most.

"Because… if it's because you think I have a problem with you flying, then that's the wrong reason." Which doesn't mean it wouldn't bother me. It would… very… But that's not the point here. He gives me a small version of his infamous grin and I almost have to snort. Yeah, MacKenzie, go bust his ego, will you?

"So you wouldn't have a problem if I kept going supersonic?" His tone of voice suggests humor, but I can hear the carefulness with which the question is asked. "I didn't say I was completely at ease with it, but yeah… I would manage." Which is true. I always managed… one way or another, mostly under a huge pile of files that would keep me busy until he got back safe and sound.

"If it puts your mind at ease… it didn't have much to do with us." I think he can almost sense the fact that I'm drawing up my eyebrows in disbelief. "Well, what I mean is this: As I said, I'm no young kid anymore and I just thought it was time to put an end to it." Somehow that doesn't strike me as the whole truth and I tell him so.

"Are you worried you can't pull it off anymore?" Because I wouldn't believe that for a second. I've seen him fly and I know for a fact, that he got better marks at his qualifications than many pilots who are on board all the time.

Harm chuckles in amusement. "I didn't say that. But I need to face the fact that I'm almost 42, Mac. That's almost twice as old as some of the nuggets I gave a couple free lessons on my last qualification." We both chuckle at that. I've heard the story from Skates whom I met in D.C. a couple weeks before Cresswell announced our new billets. According to Skates Harm pulled off a couple stunts in air-to-air combat that left quite a few of his comrades stunning.

To Harm flying has always come like walking to the rest of us. He seems so very natural in the cockpit, so at ease with the controls it's really amazing. I can see the transition each time he takes me up in '_Sarah_'.

"But there are guys who are older than you and still keep up their qualifications." It's not a question. We both know it. There are dozens of pilots who have long since moved to new careers who still put in a couple hours each year to stay current.

"True, but most of these guys were sorted out when the Tomcats phased out. Those who are still going up are either pretty damn good or not that old yet." I guess in Harm's case, both things apply. I personally think he isn't that old yet. Hell, even Admiral Boone, whom Harm has always looked up to, used to fly until his first retirement when he was in his early 50s. And Harm is damn good in the cockpit. The Navy wouldn't have even considered re-training him for the F-18-program otherwise. They don't spend all these dollars on futile attempts.

"You remember the case with the RIO who got unconscious on a run because his pilot was trying to kill him? He might not have died had he been in better shape." I do. God, I'll never forget the helplessness of those two days. No wife should have to go through that. A husband kept alive by the power of machines that push air into his lungs and keep his heart beating.

"I promised myself that you would never have to go through anything like that because I couldn't accept the facts." I frown. "Harm?" Even I can hear the sudden fear in my voice and he leans over to enfold me into his arms to sooth me immediately. "Hey, nothing's wrong with me, ok?"

"Are you sure? You just sounded like…" I trail off, not ready to announce what his words imply. "Sarah, I just told you… all my vitals are pretty good. I passed my last physiological evaluation and hypoxia demonstration with flying colors" He cradles my face into his big hands and smiles at me. "In fact I was told I'm in better shape than some of the kids going through that office with Lieutenant Junior Grade Bars on their sleeves. My reasons for resigning my flight status weren't medical. I just promised myself that I would never let it come down to that."

I can feel the sudden adrenaline rush ebb away a little. I hit him in the chest and his puzzled expression tells me he doesn't know what it was for. "For scaring me like this." We both chuckle at the situation.

We both prop ourselves up against the headboard and for a moment, neither of us speaks again. I'm glad he is healthy, even though the contrary would have surprised the hell out of me, considering our last few months together. I know for a fact that he is in great shape.

"So, if it wasn't for medical reasons and since it doesn't have anything to do with you and I… then why?" The fact that he holds his answer out on me makes me want to scream at him. But I know from experience that it won't do much good with this man. So I take another deep breath and wait for whenever he's ready for communication. I just don't have to like it very much.

"Well… to be honest… when I first started flying F-14's it was a feeling I can't describe. Going up there was everything to me. Recently it hasn't felt the same." Now I don't believe that at all. Harmon Rabb doesn't enjoy his time in the cockpit going supersonic? Fat chance!

This time it's him who obviously senses my raised eyebrows, because he hurries to explain. "Don't get me wrong… going up is still great, it's still a liberating experience." How can it be liberating to be strapped in so tight you can't breathe properly?

"But recently it just hasn't been the way it used to, especially since I re-qualified for the Hornets. In Hornets, pilots are alone; no RIO to talk to or joke with… it's basically you and the plane, all alone up there… And while I enjoy that at times, it took a lot of fun away from the experience for me. Then there's fully automatic landing… Anyway, it's not like I've got anything left to proof up there. I know my abilities and yeah, sometimes I remember the good ole' days on the carriers with the fuel in the air and the uncomfortable bunks in officer's quarters."

I can't hold in the laugh that escapes me. Leave it to him to make jokes about that. I mean, I usually fit on somehow, but how a 6'4 guy sleeps on a carrier bunk is beyond me. But he already goes on "…that… I always swore to myself that my wife wouldn't come visit me on a granite wall." The small voice with which he says that almost tears me apart. For a long moment I don't know what to say and I try to offer comfort by being there and close to him.

"You know the guy who used to run the hangar in Blacksburg … he's a pretty wise man. He once said that when you first start flying, you have a lot of luck and no experience… and you can only hope that you have enough experience by the time you run out of luck." Yeah, I remember the elder mechanic who took care of Harm's plane when he didn't have the time to do it himself.

I think I know where this is going. "And you think you've run out of luck?" Ok, that's a dumb question, considering everything... "Not exactly. I've got a lot of experience by now." I can hear more than see the grin he gives me. I walked right into that didn't I?

"Anyway, I think it's a good moment to stop flying. I had a couple too many close calls recently. Besides that, I have a command to take care of and new responsibilities there. Not to mention I've got a family to look after now. I mean, I can still fly '_Sarah_' and I like the company there better anyway." Another one of these grins and I'll start ravishing him!

He sighs and goes on. "I personally saw to it, that Captain Hockhausen got his wings yanked. He was responsible for the death of two people and all that just because he couldn't accept the fact, that the day to quit comes for all of us sooner or later. That's a fact of military aviation. But still it must have hurt him. I know what it means to loose your wings and to live with the guilt of having caused another person's death. I always swore to myself that if I quit for good, it would have to be on my terms. Not on the Navy's or anybody else's." I nod at that. In a way I can understand it… with difficulty.

"Mac… Flying has been taken away from me by a medical review board once. It was hard enough to get it back and then it was taken away from me again. Not like the first time, but still." I frown. What does he mean it was taken away from him a second time? Does he mean when he returned to JAG? I ask him and I can see his curt nod, even in the dark.

"It wasn't exactly taken forcefully, but I was reminded of my shortcomings and what they would mean. I was too old, not enough hours… it all added up. I didn't exactly leave voluntarily, Mac… although it wasn't as hard as the first time. I had a place to go back to, people to come home to… instead of the baggage of having caused the death of a friend. I kept up my quals and I enjoyed my time up there. I made the decision to no longer stay current on my own, without the interference of anybody else."

I spare him the fact that his decision was probably forced by the aspect of age nevertheless, but I can stop myself from doing it. He seems happy with the decision and that's all that counts.

I lean over for a kiss to let him know I'm ok with it… even though I don't really have a choice in the matter as it seems. But I'm glad we talked about his motives… it makes it so much easier to understand him.

"What about your famous dress whites? No wings in the future?" I'm surprised at the full hearted laugh I receive at that. "I thought they are so overrated?" Damn him… "Uh…" He snorts again and pulls me closer for a kiss. "Told you before, it's ok if you can't resist me in them. You could wear rags and I still couldn't resist YOU."

He leans in again for a kiss and the gentle probing of his lips leads to a full kiss that leaves both of us breathless. "I can still wear them… and I will." With that he starts nibbling at my throat and I can't help the moan that escapes my lips.

"Does that mean the interrogation is over counselor?" My brain has disconnected itself mostly when his hands started moving the straps of my nightgown out of the way. "At least postponed, Captain." That's the last I get out before he claims my lips in a fiery kiss and all thought leaves my mind.


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40

**London Stansted Airport**

**Stansted, UK**

**0729 local**

I sit next to Harm in the cab and I hate him for not telling me where we're going. The fact that we're at an airport here gives me only one clue as well considering Britain is an island and you have to rely on either ship or plane to get off it. All my tactics at him telling me our honeymoon destination have failed. Why does he have to be so damn stubborn all the time?

I gasp when Harm leads me over to a small lear-jet, guiding me up the little stairwell with his hand on my lower back. I almost start laughing when Harm starts to strap me into my seat. One could think this is my first ever flight the way he pampers me, but I let him, enjoying the attention.

It only takes a couple minutes for the pilot to get us up in the air. I suppose the jet belongs to Franks company and he let Harm borrow it for today. I'm a little surprised he doesn't want to fly himself, though. "Ahhh, come on, Mac. This is our honeymoon. Do you honestly think piloting this baby could be more important than spending time with my wife?" His grin tells me, he doesn't expect an answer to that and I swat him in the chest just so he won't be disappointed. "Jerk." Harm only gives me his full flyboy grin and leans in for a kiss.

We reach our destination about two hours later and I gasp once I can make out the city beneath me. "You're kidding, right?" Another of those grins and a short "nope" confirm it. He really brought me to Venice!

**Trevisio airport**

**Venice, Italy**

**1041 local**

There's a limo waiting for us at the tarmac that takes us to the hotel. I always thought that you couldn't use cars in Venice at all, but I'm proven wrong. Obviously there are still a couple roads left.

I cuddle close to Harm's side while he wraps me into his arms. I'm so excited. How did he know that visiting Venice was one of these things I had had on my to-do-list for a while? "I take it you approve, then?"

I turn around to look at him sternly but words have left me the moment I recognized the layout of the city when I looked out the window on our final approach. "Approve? You got to be kidding right? This is amazing." The smile that earns me, lights up the already sunny day even more.

The limo takes us to our hotel and even though I really shouldn't be, I'm surprised that Harm went to all this effort. The hotel is just right for us. It's not one of these luxury-5-star ones, but a small, yet comfortably furnished and directly located at the Grand Canal, hotel.

Harm is so amazing in this. Cozy, but not overly prestigious. And it has nothing to do with money. He wants me, us, to be comfortable here. Both Mic and Webb would have probably dragged me to the most expensive place in the city and then expected me to sing the praises.

The concierge shows us to our room and I gasp when he opens the door to our suite. There are wooden beams going along the ceiling, a king size bed to the right wall and a dark wooden dresser to the left. It looks cozy and comfortable and has the air of wealth around it, yet it's subtle enough to fit Harm and my taste very well. Harm tips the concierge and closes the door behind him.

Arms sneak around my waist from behind and a head is propped on my shoulder. "How about we put our stuff here and I treat my wife to a nice lunch in one of the many restaurants around town?" A smile starts spreading my face and I turn around in his arms. "Are you sure you want lunch?"

Harm grins and raises his eyebrow. "A Marine turning down food? That ought to be a first." I was wrong… he can be a real jerk sometimes. I hit him on the chest which earns me only a burst of laughter from my husband and a really close embrace.

"Of course we can always call room-service…" his voice trails off when his lips descend on mine. Somehow my hands have sneaked underneath his shirt… when did I take it out of his pants again? All kind of thought is replaced by pure feeling the moment he starts to trail kisses down my neck. Lunch will come later; definitely later.

**Hotel San Cassiano**

**Santa Croce 2232**

**Calle de la Rosa**

**Venice, Italy**

**1348 local**

The faint sound of a ship's horn registers somewhere at the back of my mind. Mac stirs next to me and I wrap her even tighter into my arms. I really am the luckiest guy on the planet. The more I think about it, the more I realize that marrying this woman was the best thing that ever happened to me. I look over at her and trace her face and what little isn't covered by the thin summer sheet with my eyes.

There really isn't a word for the sheer beauty before me. To think that such a beautiful woman is also very intelligent and unbelievably passionate, only makes her that much more important to me. I don't really know what I did to deserve her, but somebody must have approved of me up there.

I can't believe that we behaved like kids earlier. Chuck the concierge as fast as possible so we could make love. And I can't believe that I jumped at the opportunity so fast after Mac initiated a kiss. I'm no teenager after all. But well… which man would be able to withstand Sarah MacKenzie… Rabb.

I don't get to watch her sleep long. When she stirs, her stomach starts to rumble and she looks at me sheepishly. I laugh and send her towards the bathroom, while I stop myself from joining her. If I do, we won't ever leave this hotel room and even though I hate to admit as much in front of her, she's not the only one who's hungry.

A hungry Marine, even a former one, is not something you want to mess with, which is the reason that we are on our way to find one of these cozy restaurants only shortly after. We find a little tratoria and Mac treats herself to a big plate of pasta while I settle on a small lasagna. I'll never understand where she puts all that food.

We walk around the city and explore the Piazza San Marco where we enjoy some Italian ice cream while watching the busy people around us. There are tourists, photographers and of course the thousands of doves that seem to be around here.

"This is so amazing. I've never seen anything like it; neither in the States nor in London." Yeah it is. People here seem to be kind of different. There's this utter business all around us, but the natives seem to be very calm about everything. They probably need good nerves too, considering the fact that their city suffers from high water on a monthly basis or so.

"Yeah it is. This place has a lot of history. There's the Doge's Palace right over there and then the St. Mark's Basilica right next to it. If I'm not mistaken, they are even connected." Not to mention that the buildings all around the piazza were once part of the city's administration.

I go on telling Mac a couple stories about the buildings and she listens intently. "How come you know all of this?" She seems surprised and I ask her why? "Well, you never really struck me as the history guy… at least history that doesn't concern flying or the Navy. And I don't see you reading travel guides. "

I grin at her and make a joke about the city practically being in the middle of the ocean, so it's not exactly non-naval history. Mac only gives me that annoyed look and I give in. "I had to read Shakespeare's _Merchant of Venice_ when I was in High School. Our teacher made sure we knew something about the city's history as well." I shrug.

That earns me a skeptical look. "You? Reading Shakespeare? Somehow that is hard to imagine." She raises her eyebrows in that way that suggests I'm having her on, but for once she's wrong about that. "Nah, I'm serious. Mrs. Miller was very insistent in that English class. I even played Tybalt in drama class that year." Now that seems to shut her up effectively. Actually it makes her gawk at me in shock.

But she finds her composure rapidly and an evil smirk starts spreading her face. "What was her name?" What? I pretend not to know what she means but Mac can be really tough. "Oh come on, Harm. I can imagine you on the football or the baseball team, but I find it hard to imagine you in a pair of tights... willingly… not that you would look bad in them, mind you…uh… that's besides the point here. There has to be a girl involved somehow." Damn, am I that obvious?

"So, I read Shakespeare in my English class and did some acting on stage, so what?" I try my poker face and ignore her question about a girl. She doesn't know that I had had a huge crush on Mandy Jackson. I was 15 damn it… or 16? Who cares?

She looks at me closely and suspicion is all over her face. "Well, you have to admit it's not exactly what you'd normally do…" She trails off, waving her hand helplessly in my direction. "Hey, even I enjoyed a little culture at school and I can read you know?" My voice rises high and I know I'm cornered.

Mac does what she always does in a situation like this. She simply stares me down. "Well?" Uh oh… I start fidgeting, not good at all. "Mandy Jackson… and my mom suggested the drama class!" Yeah, right Rabb. Make it sound like your mother is responsible for everything. I get another raised eyebrow. "Alright, I had a crush on Mandy Jackson who was in the drama club, so I went to the tryouts. And believe it or not, I enjoyed it a lot."

Mac bursts into laughter and for a second I'm dumbfounded. "Think this is so funny, huh?" I have to admit, it probably is. But she doesn't need to know that.

Once Mac has herself under control again, she looks up at me expectantly. "So?" What 'so?'? And my wife raises the second eyebrow as well… "Well, did Tybalt get lucky?" Now it's me who starts laughing. "Nah, she went to the prom with 'Mercutio'. But my mom congratulated me on the fact that I had gotten over my shyness."

Now she looks at me as if I had suddenly announced the end of the world or something. "What?" A little shake of her head and she plunges forward. "Harmon Rabb junior was shy? Now that's two surprises in one afternoon." She doesn't know the half of it. "Well, I got sweaty hands and nausea whenever I did a presentation at school and when mom learned of the drama class at my High School, she practically forced me to join the group so I would loose my nervousness when speaking in front of people. It was only after I heard that Mandy Jackson would be there, too, that I went willingly."

She chuckles at that. I should have known she would. In hindsight, it really does seem funny. "You keep surprising me, Harmon Rabb." Now it's my turn to grin. "Well, time to confess… any drama club experiences from your time in High School?" She winces at that and swallows before answering.

"The Sound of Music, I was the nun." She chuckles again and after a few seconds I join in. "It was the experience from hell even though I loved the acting… but my partner dropped me every time he was supposed to swirl me off my feet. We always ended up sprawled on the floor. It was like the comedy act for the show."

We keep teasing each other about our experiences on stage and I can't help but remember the times when banter like this wouldn't have been possible. It makes me treasure these moments and I file them away for future reference.

We spend the afternoon strolling around the city, shopping in some of the typically tiny stores and admiring the city's unbelievable beauty. I wonder whether or not I would have taken her to Venice, had we stayed in Washington… probably not. The joy in Mac's eyes is all the confirmation I need though, that this was the right decision.

**Hotel San Cassiano**

**Santa Croce 2232**

**Calle de la Rosa**

**Venice, Italy**

**2357**** local**

I snuggle up to him and trace light circles on his chest. No matter how many times we make love, that man still makes me discover new things and joys. I chuckle lightly when I remember what Mattie said about honeymooners a couple weeks ago. "Care to share?"

Harm is already pretty drowsy. I suppose the afternoon heat and our long outing into the city has taken quite its toll on him… as it has on me.

"Well, I just remembered Mattie claiming, that honeymooners spend those huge sums of money to get to their dream destination and then never leave bed except to accept room service. We would disappoint her immensely." That earns me a small chuckle from him. "Yeah, might have something to do with the fact that we aren't kids anymore. There's more to a honeymoon than enjoying my wife in horizontal positions."

He props himself up slightly to kiss my temple and I resume my slight patterns on his chest. We definitely aren't kids anymore. When I met Harm he was practically all bones and sinews compared to now. He must have really worked out in the last couple years. You don't get these muscles by pushing files from one corner of your desk to the other.

One question has been burning on my tongue ever since I realized where he would take us for our vacation. "Harm?" His breathing is almost evened out now and I know he isn't far from dreamland. "Hmm?" Yup, my husband is almost asleep. But this just won't wait any longer. "Why Venice?"

I prop myself up on one elbow and look down at him expectantly. The room is almost completely dark, but there is still enough light for me to see that he opens his eyes and… is that a blush? I can't be sure.

"Well… you once said that you would like to see it one day." God, what that man can do with his eyes. How am I supposed to not melt while he does that? "And I only remember talking about this once, years ago. "You still remember that?"

I get a tired version of his famous grin and I realize I just boosted his ego again. "Yeah. You once mentioned it when we were having dinner at your place." I can practically watch as he looses the fight against sleep and his eyelids droop slowly, until his breathing is evened out and I know he is asleep. I keep tracing patterns on his chest, while enjoying the warm cocoon he has wrapped me in and it doesn't take long, before I let sleep take me too.

When I wake up, Harm is still sleeping peacefully and I don't have the heart to waking him just yet. Captain "Sleeping beauty" would only be grumpy and I don't want a grouchy squid on my hands today.

**Lido Island**

**Venice, Italy**

**1103 local**

Mac is surprised to find that Venice indeed has a beach and that it is accessible so easily. I put my hand on the small of her back and guide her through the crowd already gathered there. We choose a spot that is relatively calm so far and, ever the gentleman, I put down our towels and picnic basket.

Mac turns around and breathes in the cool breeze from the sea, her left arm holding her sun hat in place. I strip my shirt and look at her expectantly, when it hits me, that this is the first time, I'll see her in her bikini. Sure I saw her in Australia… kind of… but then she held that magazine in front of her and I still don't know whether she was topless or not. Come to think of it, I don't really want to know anymore. If Mic saw her that day on the beach or when they had sex the first time, is really just a matter of time… which doesn't mean I'm any less anxious to see her now.

Of course I've seen her completely naked a couple times by now, but that bikini is really a looker. I suppose I should have asked her to do this at the hotel first. She always has an effect on me, but a half naked Sarah MacKenzie, -Rabb, my mind interrupts, is just too much on any normal day and we're on our honeymoon, for Christ's sake.

I hold my breath when she strips off her loose blouse that she knotted around her stomach so she wouldn't parade around the city in her bikini-top. I knew it, just holding my breath won't do me any good. I'm just glad I already rubbed her with sun lotion at the hotel. There is simply no way I could stand that right now. I make short work of my shorts and t-shirt and then busy myself with our towels and the basket until she is ready to go swimming.

I haven't taken a bath in the ocean in ages and the cool water is welcome on this hot and dry Venice summer day.

We cool off a little before jumping in completely and Mac looks over at me with that devilish grin on her face. "Sorry for demolishing your ego, flyboy. First one on shore gets to decide on dinner tonight." The words haven't yet completely registered with me, when she jumps into the surf and disappears. I jump after her to catch up but Mac has obviously decided this should be some sort of competition of who would out swim who.

We turn close to a buoy and despite the fact that I'm in good shape, I have serious trouble beating her, so far. In the end we come back ashore pretty much at the same time, which makes it a tie in the best case. I never knew Mac to be such a good swimmer… but well…after all she did grow up in California… many beaches there.

"That's embarrassing for you, Navy." She announces when we climb out of the water and I just give her a look. Why should I be embarrassed? We both reached the shore at the same time and she is in good shape. "The Navy can't out swim the Marines. We shouldn't tell that to anyone, sailor."

I grab my towel from the basket and give her my best grin. "It's the Marines who have to swim ashore to storm a beach… we Navy guys sit on deck to watch." That earns me a stuck out tongue. I chuckle and plop down on my towel on the sand. Mac joins me a second later and we both enjoy a nice game of cards, which I win, much to Mac's annoyance, before we decide to relax a little and work on our tans.

I wake up to find Mac reading her newest novel, or rather mine, but she took it. It's obviously a rule of married life. There is no 'mine' there is only 'ours'. I grin at the sight, when I realize she isn't really reading. Her eyes are just slightly too high to look at the page. I follow her eyes and my grin fades almost as fast as it came.

Mac is looking, or rather staring, at a couple kids playing with their sand buckets and shovels, laughing like they don't have a care in the world. The boy is maybe five or six and the girl should be around three. There is a couple watching from close by that seems to be the parents and a small smile steals itself onto my features, when another kid from a bit farther away slowly approaches the pair and obviously shyly asks to be allowed into the game.

I look at Mac again and I already know where her thoughts are. Without a word I sit behind her and lean her onto my chest, kissing her temple. "It will be alright." I whisper so only she can her and she knows that I know where her thoughts were just now. I nod towards the children and stroke her hair. "One day that will be us." I make it a statement, no doubt left. I promised a long time ago, that we would be having a baby together. And so far I haven't seen a reason to give up on that, yet.

She turns around in my arms and looks up at me through her eyelashes. "You know… I've been thinking about that…" Yeah, I do. How could I not? It's been on my own mind for a very long time, and even more so since I know of Mac's problems.

"What are you trying to tell me?" Mac averts her eyes and swallows hard. "Well, the doctor said, we should give it some time… that with the medication I'm on, our chances are slightly increased… but…" She trails off, her hand waving aimlessly in the air.

Now it's my turn to swallow hard and I can already feel the panic rise up inside me. "You…" I swallow again to regain my voice "You're not thinking of… of giving up… right?" God, let her say no. Please let her say no.

"Harm, I would never give up on that." She looks down into her lap again and I try to come up with what she could be talking about. Then it hits me. "You want to try something besides medication?" I know I have to tread carefully. One wrong word now and this conversation would turn very ugly and wouldn't get us anywhere.

Mac looks at the kids, playing in the sand again and nods her head, slightly. Some foreigner wouldn't even detect the slight movement. But I know her better than most people, sometimes maybe better than she knows herself. She tilts her head to the side a bit and looks through her eyelashes again. "Would that be very difficult for you?" For me? I wouldn't have to endure the procedure. All I'd had to do was fill a cup and let the doctors do their magic.

I pull her close to my chest again and place her head onto my shoulder. "No, of course it wouldn't. If that's the way you want to go about this, I'll support you a hundred percent." I personally would have liked to let nature have a few more chances yet, but I can see her point, I guess.

"Thank you." It's no more than a whisper and I only nod. "You want me to make an appointment with Dr. McPherson for when we get back?" She nods at that and I lean down for a small kiss, more for comfort than for anything else.

We sit there for a while watching the three kids build a big sandcastle, the two dads taking snapshots and the women chatting… or attempting to anyway. From the looks of it, they don't really seem to have a language in common. I admit it's a funny sight, though.

"So you wouldn't mind if our baby wasn't…created the traditional way?" Mac is with her back to my chest, sitting between my knees. If possible, I wrap my arms even tighter around her and hold her close. "I told you at the Admiral's dining out. All that matters is that it happens between you and me. That's the most important thing for me. That and that you are comfortable. The proceedings will be a lot harder on you than on me. But I'll be there to support you, no matter what." I kiss her temple again and together we enjoy the afternoon sun and the fact that we can simply laze around for a while, without anybody disturbing us.


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1645**** local**

We enter the house and immediately Mattie throws herself at us, hugging us both like we'd been gone a year instead of a week. We barely get out our hellos, when we are interrupted by a small voiced 'meow'. I look down towards where the sound came from, and sure enough, right in the doorframe, there is a tiny red fur ball, demanding attention.

"Garfield, I told you to wait in there!" Mattie gestures towards the living room, and I can practically sense Harm raising his eyebrows in panic, fearing for our new sofa and the rest of the furniture.

Before either of us can get a word out, Trish steps forward to hug us too, and she whispers into Harm's direction. "Don't be too hard on them." With a wink she takes her jacket from the hook by the door and heads out, mumbling something about meeting Frank for some tea in the city. Great… a teenager on hormones and a Navy Captain on testosterone.

I almost laugh at Harm walking towards the living room, carefully taking one step after the other, like he were afraid of accidentally stepping onto the fur ball. When we turn the corner, the picture presenting itself to us makes me chuckle. Mattie is on all fours, trying to get a scared kitten from under the sofa. Harm seems to be pleased with that, since he raises his eyebrow in his typical way that suggests he is slightly amused and curious… definitely curious.

"Ok, young lady… there has to be a story there." He folds his arms over his chest and looks at a blushing Mattie who tries to get up as fast as her battered body allows. A few stammered words later I take pity on her and gesture to her to take a seat, practically pushing Harm down on the sofa, which earns us a scream and the fur ball races to a new refuge.

"Great, now you scared him!" A pair of accusing eyes looks at us and then back to where the kitten disappeared around the corner. "Mattie?" I try to get her attention back and she starts fumbling with her hands in her lap. "Well… you see… We were at the Robert's place a few days ago, and when we took a little walk, we found this cardboard box… the Robert's kept the other one!"

I smile inwardly at the defense strategy… always involve others; never shoulder all the blame alone. Harm clears his throat and looks down on her, showing little patience. "And so you decided to keep a cat? Without consulting with us first?" I cringe at Harm's words. Even I would be worried. Mattie blushes slightly but she holds her ground. "You were on vacation!"

Now it's my turn to jump in… cause even though I think Harm shouldn't be too hard on her for rescuing a kitten, there's no reason to become unreasonable about this. "Mattie, we talked on the phone at least once a day. You had plenty of time and opportunities to talk to us about this."

I almost smirk when she puts on that helpless look and stares from one of us to the other. "Oh please, can we keep him? I promise I will take really good care of him. And you won't even notice he's here." I decide it's best to confer about the matter with Harm for a moment and signal her, to leave us alone for a second. "You go and look after that kitten, young lady."

I steer Harm into the dining room and make sure our charge is out of earshot before we start this conversation. "So facts in evidence: there's a kitten in our home, there's a teenager who took it in and there are two adults who are pretty surprised… any solutions?"

Harm raises his eyebrow skeptically and lets out his breath slowly. "Well, how should I know? I never had a cat before." He raises his shoulders in that way when he doesn't know what he should do and yet doesn't want to appear to be not in control.

I grin at him. "I know, you signed on for a teenager on hormones. Would you rather she brought in a boy?" I almost chuckle when all blood seems to drain from his face. "I'm kidding. Having a kitten in the house won't stop her from bringing home a boy someday." If possible, he gets even paler and fumbles around with his hand, obviously trying to say something. "Not for a while, of course"…I hope.

Once Harm has calmed down enough to talk about the matter reasonably, we decide to speak with Mattie first and then decide whether to keep the kitten or not. From the looks of it, Harm doesn't seem too adverse to the idea of a cat in the house, and I know I would like some purring company.

Mattie is all defensive of 'Garfield' and I can see Harm is holding back laughter when she starts counting off the various, dubious advantages of a cat in the house. Without Harm noticing, 'Garfield' climbs on the couch and settles between me and Harm, rolling onto his back and looking backwards at my husband, with those adorable eyes. I almost can't resist stroking him.

Once Mattie is finished with her speech, she looks expectantly at us, eyes full of hope and again wringing her hands in her lap. I can't hold myself back any longer, I simply have to touch the tiny fur ball next to me and only then does Harm realize, we have company. Before I can even really enjoy myself, he sneaks 'Garfield' up and holds him on his hand. "Garfield, huh?" A pair of blue-grey eyes travel from me to Mattie and then back to the little cat on his palm. Yup, Harmon Rabb is cornered alright.

With an expression of distaste he looks at all three of us again and then, to all our surprise, tickles the tiny stomach and talks to the kitten. "Well, fella… I suppose a little male reinforcement in the house can't hurt." I cheer inwardly while Mattie jumps up and throws her arms around him to hug him tightly, Garfield chasing away at lightning speed in bewilderment. "Thank you soooo much. You're the best! I promise he won't disturb you at all." Just this second, we hear a crash of some glassware hitting the floor in the kitchen and Harm rolls his eyes in annoyance. "He won't, huh?"


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter 42

**Dr McPherson's office**

**Old Park Avenue, Enfield**

**Greater London**

**1530 local**

Our week in Venice is already over and even though it was a wonderful experience, everyday life has claimed us almost immediately. With some disagreements between the English and the American government, Mac was thrown into work the minute she set foot into her office at the embassy, while I got a last minute conference on the NATO rules of engagement in Iraq with Force Judge Advocates from other regions. After an hour at the office it already felt like the vacation had never happened.

Mac made the appointment with the doctor as soon as she got a second to breathe. Mac's hands were a little sweaty and I knew she was horribly nervous. Hell, I was nervous and I wasn't going to be pushed and prodded in very intimate places. If I could have, I would have taken the exam for her but I suppose that wouldn't have done us any good.

When Dr. McPherson entered on our first appointment, she greeted us with a gentle smile and I wondered for the millionth time, how these people do that. I mean it's not like Mac didn't know what was ahead of her. I grasped her hand in mine and together we listen to the doctors explanations.

I was almost kind of disappointed, when the doctor told us the first appointment would only be a thorough check-up to make sure there were not going to be more complications with the in-vitro-fertilization than absolutely necessary, like with genetic disorders that run in the family and the like. Dr McPherson took a blood sample and asked Mac all kinds of questions about the family's background where medical problems were concerned. I felt uncomfortable listening to all this, but Mac kept holding my hand and that alone was sign enough, that she wanted and maybe needed me there.

Mac even kept hold of my hand during the ultra-sound the doctor performed on her, stating that everything looked as best as it could under the circumstances, which calmed both of us.

She told us, they would be sending the blood sample to the lab to have a karyotype done so they could rule out any genetic disorders. She assured us that this was a normal procedure for in-vitro-fertilization, which calmed me a little, especially since I had read likewise on the internet during my research.

And now here we sit, waiting for the verdict. In a way this is so much harder than the examination itself. When Dr McPherson finally enters the room, Mac instantly sits taller and becomes stiffer, her hand tightly clasping mine.

She greets both of us with a handshake and then sits down behind her desk, quickly scanning Mac's folder. "Well, Mister and Misses Rabb, we do seem to have a slight change of course. There seems to be a minor problem." I feel all blood drain from my face. Please, oh please don't tell us it's over before it could begin.

I clasp Mac's hand even tighter and try to look at her, but she stares right ahead, as if she were afraid to look my way. And maybe she is. I want to take her into my arms and hold her, but I don't think that's appropriate just now.

Mac is very pale and I get the strong feeling I'll strangle that damn doctor, if she doesn't look up from her sheet soon. She is still scanning the contents and hasn't looked up a second since she made that comment.

"Dr? Do you care to explain that?" My voice is just slightly colder and flatter than it usually is. I'm ready to jump over the desk and wring that neck of hers. That gets her attention and she indeed lifts her eyes. "I don't know how to tell you this, but…well… we ran a number of tests on your blood sample and it appears that we found _'hCG'_ in your blood." I frown at Mac and the doctor. I'm sure I've heard that before and Mac is looking suspiciously at the doctor as well. "So what does that mean doctor? Will that pose a problem with the procedure?"

Dr McPherson chuckles lightly at Mac's question which Mac doesn't find the least bit funny. And neither do I. Only my good manners keep me from telling the good doctor to finally cut the crap.

"Well, as I said, there is a change in plans. I wouldn't exactly call it a problem, though. It seems like mother nature took matters into her own hands… Congratulations sir, ma'am. You're going to have a baby."

All air moves out of my lungs at once and somehow no fresh air is willing to flow back in. My mouth is suddenly full of cotton balls and all I can think about is 'baby'. I'm going to have a baby? "…sure?" I blink my eyes and realize Mac has said something. I tell my muscles to turn my head towards her and she has that awed look on her face, someplace between happiness and fear to hope.

I turn my head back to the original position and look at the doctor again. "We are quite certain. The lab assistant ran the test twice to be absolutely sure. The result is clear-cut. I think you should be between five and six weeks along." There is that gentle smile again and only slowly does it register with my brain that we are really going to be parents.

Somewhere I find my voice and ask how it is possible after everything? But McPherson only chuckles again and looks over her halfmoon-spectacles at me. "Given your age and the fact that you're married, I suppose I don't really need to answer that question for you, Captain?"

I look over at Mac who is as speechless as I am. Her head turns toward me and I can't hold back any longer. I just have to take her into my arms. I feel like crying but I can still hold the tears at bay. I don't care what power created this miracle, I'm just thankful to all of them, that it happened at all. My heart beats a mile a minute and I'm sure my breath is labored as well.

Mac hugs me tight, clawing at the hair on the back of my neck and together we just sit there, holding onto each other. Mac would probably be able to say for how long we've been sitting here, when we finally let go of each other and look back at the doctor, who busied herself with some paperwork to give us a little privacy. I appreciate that a lot.

"So what's the plan now, doctor?" Mac asks, anticipation radiating off her. McPherson opens Mac's folder and scans the contents shortly again, before firing away a number of questions. Has my wife felt uncomfortable recently, experienced morning sickness, cramps and the likes.

Mac answers to all of the questions, mostly in the negative. "Is that going to be a problem?" I can't hide the worry that creeps into my voice. But the doctor shakes her head. "Many women do experience morning sickness, when their body goes through the changes to prepare for motherhood, but not all women. It is simply a reaction of the body to the increased estrogen level that is created. Many expecting mothers would envy you, Misses Rabb."

The doctor's explanation puts my mind at ease for a moment, but I've spent too many nights researching the whole thing not to have a question or two about the future proceedings. I ask about the dangers for Mac and the baby since I know Mac's job is at least as high stress as mine. The doctor assures me though, that Mac can do whatever she is used to be doing, until her body sends her signals not to. I make a mental note, to make sure Mac stops doing stuff that will harm her, long before her body gives signals. I can well remember Harriet when she was pregnant with little AJ and how we were all worried sick then. I won't let it come down to that with Mac, I'm determined on that.

The gynecologist makes an ultra-sound, providing us with the very first picture of our baby and my eyes are glued to the screen. I can't really see anything, but a tiny thing that looks like a circle to me, but McPherson assures us, that it's the baby. I always wondered why Bud was so eager for these pictures, as you really don't see anything interesting, or at least nothing you could identify without a doctor's guide. Now I know. The tiny thing on the screen is what we were blessed with and it's a beautiful sight. I nearly rip the picture from the doc's hands when she prints it, immediately asking for a second one as if on auto pilot.

We are sent on our way with two copies of the ultra-sound picture and big smiles. I can't wait to tell Mattie. And Mom. They will both go crazy. It's a pity mom had to fly back to San Diego a couple days ago. But I suppose that's what you get for living so far away from the rest of your family. On the other hand, I'd probably go nuts if mom were close by all the time.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1535**** local**

I'm glad we have the house to ourselves at the moment… well except Garfield of course. He seems to be all over the place at every hour of the day. It's not that I don't want to tell Mattie the good news. In a way I can barely wait until she gets home, but Mac and I have agreed to wait until dinner before we tell her. For the moment, I'm pretty content with that. All I want to do now is hold my family in my arms.

I guide Mac towards the bedroom and gently push her down onto the bed. She hesitates for a moment and looks at me apologetically. "Harm, I don't think I'm…" She fumbles with her hand and it takes me a second to get her message. I kiss her gently on the forehead and shake my head. "I don't think I could, at the moment. I just want us to rest for a bit."

I'm not doing this out of selfishness. I want to hold her for a bit and process today's news, but I also want her to relax a few minutes after the morning's stress. And I know for a fact that I'd get the 'Marine-speech' if I suggested she rest alone.

We cuddle on the middle of the bed, Mac right where she belongs, her head propped up on my shoulder, and my arm lightly drawing circles on her back. I have the strong urge to put my hand on her still flat abdomen, but I don't know if she would welcome that at the moment.

I fumble around in my back pocket and take the ultra-sound picture out of my wallet. I look at it for a moment in awe and without looking down I know Mac is doing the same. I tell her, I'll have to get a frame for it and she chuckles loudly at that. She wants to know why I'd need a frame for an ultra-sound picture, especially since an untrained person really can't see anything on it. I shrug my shoulders and grin down at her. "It's the thought that counts. Besides that, I like what it represents."

Mac lifts her eyebrows at me in that way she has when she thinks I'm going over the top for sure. Right now, however, not even that look can bother me, because I'm so excited I can hardly keep still and the longer I look at our child on the picture, the worse it gets.

"It will show her, that her parents never give up and that her dad keeps his promises." For a moment I hear the little socked feet running around the house and see a little princess who looks just like her mum.

"Her?" if possible, Mac's eyebrows go even higher and I realize I must have been thinking out loud. "What makes you think it's a girl?" I shrug again and mumble something about male intuition which makes her laugh. "Harm, as far as I know there is no such thing as male intuition. Female intuition…now that's something entirely different."

Oh yeah? I ask her what her female intuition tells her then and she gets a faraway look onto her face. "I don't know. I can't decide if I would like a boy or a girl. Is it important to you whether we have one or the other?"

I shake my head 'no' and pull her closer to my chest. "I don't care at all, as long as he or she is healthy. I don't know though. A little princess would be nice, with her mommy's looks and her daddy's head. But a little prince would be just as cool. I could teach him how to ride a bike, take him up flying…" I get interrupted, when Mac's hand lands on my chest none too gently.

"Ouch!" I exclaim, though it didn't really hurt… not that I'd tell her that. "Before you take up my child in that plane of yours, you are going to change diapers for a while there, daddy! Besides that, your princess would love to learn how to ride the bike too!" She looks at me sternly and I just have to laugh.

"Could you stay serious for a minute? We are talking about our baby." Mac looks as though she's annoyed with me, but her voice gives her away. She enjoys this as much as I do. "I'm always serious about flying. What's wrong about teaching him OR her how to fly? I can remember a Lieutenant Colonel, now retired, who enjoys going up very much." I lift my chin so I can stare her down in good humor and she smiles in return, which doesn't stop her from hitting my chest again. She's doing that an awful lot lately.

We are silent for a while and my thoughts travel to the new life we discovered today. I used to laugh about Bud when he made plans for little AJ long before he could turn them into reality. I remember us sitting at McMurphy's the night his first son was born, drinking to his fatherhood. He had this huge plan for little AJ's life, from the perfect kindergarten up to his graduation day at Annapolis. Now that I can finally grasp fatherhood myself, I don't think it's so strange anymore.

"You know, with Mattie around… if it were a boy, we'd have one of each." Mac leans up on her elbow and considers me for a second, before the corners of her mouth turn up into a gentle smile. "You really do consider her your girl, don't you?" I nod, without a second thought. "She wasn't born to me, Mac. She didn't even grow up with me for most her life. But she entered my life at a time when we both needed someone." I pause for a second and resume the circles on Mac's back when she snuggles closer again. "I'm glad she became a part of our life, and I'm grateful that she decided to stay with us. When she went back to her dad, I know I did the right thing, but it hurt a lot to see her go."

Mac takes my hand in hers and squeezes it. We don't need words to understand each other about this. Mac loves Mattie just as much as I do, and as if on cue we hear the door open downstairs and a very loud teenager calls for us. I guess our quiet moment is over and we both sigh as we get up. Might as well face the music.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1809 ****local**

Harm is probably already busying himself with dinner when Mattie and I open the front door. Sure enough the unmistakable smell of chicken curry wafts through the air and my husband whistles to some Jazz song playing on the radio. How he keeps finding these jazz-channels is beyond me.

Mattie excuses herself almost the second we enter the house, not bothering to say hello to Harm. I walk over to the kitchen and give him a kiss hello, but other than that I keep quiet. He is in a cheerful mood after all, and I always hate destroying that.

"So? How did my two girls do?" He asks expectantly and for a second I want to hit his head against the wall. I sneak a peak under the lid of the pot to make sure the rice won't burn, but it's half hearted at best. "We visited Mattie's physiologist today." I wait until he turns around and gets that expectant look. "So? What's the news? I'm sure Dr Andrews was happy about the progress Mattie's made since her last visit? Where is she anyway?"

I take another deep breath and lean against the kitchen counter. "She went upstairs to her room." I hesitate again, but there is no easy way to say this. "Harm, the doctor gave us some pretty hard facts today." That gets his attention and he turns off the stove, looking at me with that expression that means I should spill it already. "That bad? But… she's doing fine… going to school again…" He trails off, not knowing what this is about.

"Well, the doctor said, it's not all bad, you know. It's a miracle that she can walk. But there will be… is some permanent damage to her spine that probably won't improve much more, if at all." I guess he knows what I'm talking about, since he knows as well as I do, that Mattie sometimes experiences strange feelings in her legs at times and a complete loss of feeling in her left hand at others.

We both know that theoretically, Mattie is lucky to be alive at all. Nobody in Blacksburg hospital would have dared to bet their money on her surviving the first couple days. But hearing the news today was pretty damn grounding. "How did she take it?" I sigh again and tell him about the cool exterior of Mattie's behavior at the doctor's office. Within seconds he moves past me and up the stairs, knocking on the teenager's door. No response. My heart breaks for Harm and Mattie when I watch him trying to connect to her through the closed door, telling her we would be there to talk, if she needed someone to listen.

When Harm comes downstairs again, we sit in the dining room in silence, the food long since forgotten. "In a way, we still have to be grateful that it's not worse." I try to lighten his mood, but I know I won't succeed. Harmon Rabb always feels responsible for the ones around him, sometimes even when it isn't his fault at all, that bad things keep happening to people.

I know that, deep down, he blames himself for Mattie's accident, because he had encouraged her to learn how to fly. Rationally, I believe that, no matter what, Mattie would have tried to fly one day, maybe even without guidance. God knows she grew up with airplanes and she had access to them all the time. And maybe she wouldn't have survived that at all. But Harm is not easily convinced of that.

"She shouldn't have had that accident at all, Mac. She's such a bright young girl, all life ahead of her." I reach over the table and take both his hands in mine, squeezing gently. "No, she shouldn't. But these things happen, Harm. You, more than anybody else, know that flying can be dangerous at times." He nods, but I know he doesn't really hear me.

I guess we are all in need for some good news soon. Only a few days ago did we learn, that Mattie's problems with school probably resulted from her brain damage, caused by the accident and that she will need some additional help with the schoolwork.

"I really hoped at least her physiological problems would disappear with time." Harm's voice is more like a defeated whisper and it shows me once more, how deeply affected he is by this. I love Mattie deeply, even though I haven't known her for nearly as long as Harm has. But Harm has always felt like a father to Mattie, not just a guardian. His grandmother's words come back to me and once again I have to agree, that the man in front of me experiences things so much more intensely than anybody else I know.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1534 local**

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I'm starting to get annoyed and, turning around, I assure him this would be alright for what feels like the hundredth time. We enter the house and I'm glad it's a Friday afternoon, because that means they are both home already.

All of a sudden my stomach houses a couple million butterflies and I can practically feel the adrenaline rush through my veins. "Harm? Mac? You home?" It doesn't take long for my 'dad' to come down the stairs and I groan when he abruptly stops in his tracks. His face falls immediately and he looks down at us suspiciously.

"Hey Harm, this is Jack. He's a friend from school?" Jack holds out his hand for Harm to shake and I'm relieved to see, Harm responds accordingly. Harm nods his head and gives me the inquisitive glance. "Working on homework together, huh?" I almost laugh. Harm is fishing. While Jack fidgets behind me, I explain that we need to complete a biology project together and I can just hold in a chuckle when Harm becomes even paler.

We are rescued when Mac comes down the stairs, a smile on her face and holding out her hand to Jack for greeting. Mac seems to sense Jack's uneasiness and suggests we get down to our homework.

Not that I'd be afraid or anything, but I take the easy out and lead Jack up to my room, closing the door behind us. "Your dad doesn't seem to like me much." I roll my eyes at him. "He'll get used to it."

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1802 local**

I hide my smile behind my novel, when Harm gets up from his chair for the umpteenth time in the last hour, walking to the door and peering up the stairs. When he turns around, I obviously don't hide my grin fast enough because he puts his hands to his hips and looks at me with that "What is it?"-expression.

"Harm, relax. I'm sure they're just talking or listening to music." He looks back over his shoulder and peers up the stairs again. "Mac, they've been up there for almost three hours. Shouldn't we go and check?" I groan. Why do men have to be so dense at times? "You mean asking them if they needed any help and should you switch on the computer for them and the like? As you did your last three visits to Mattie's room?"

He blushes slightly but jumps into defensive mode almost immediately. "Well, parents are supposed to give supervision when teenagers start…" He can't say it. Instead he fumbles with his hands to indicate what he means. "The word is 'dating', Harm." I chuckle when he starts sputtering that Mattie is way too young for that.

"I think I'll go and check on them…" He doesn't seem too eager, almost as though he was afraid of what he'd find and I shake my head. "Harm, were you never a teenager? Did you never bring a girl home to…" I make goosefeet with my fingers "… 'work on a project'?" I don't expect an answer to that, because we both know the truth.

"I didn't!" That makes me tilt my head to the side and look at him with my best 'you kidding me'-stare. "Honest! My mom would have had my head. Besides that, I wasn't like that when I was a teenager. Contrary to many peoples believe, I was not a gigolo or a Casanova." No, he kept that for when he got older. And I refrain from commenting, that bringing one boy home can hardly be considered gigolo-ish by Mattie. I make a mental note to ask Trish about Harm's dating as a teenager though.

Scooting over on the couch I signal him to plant his butt next to mine. "I'm sure they aren't working on the next generation yet, but if it makes you feel better, I'll talk to Mattie about certain things a girl should know when she is together with a boy." He looks at me in that grateful way and at the same time he seems horrified. "She's only 15, Mac!"

"So? It won't hurt for her to get 'the talk' in time." After all I was already dating at 15, but he doesn't need to know that. Harm reluctantly nods in agreement and looks toward the door again, listening to what might be going on upstairs. "All I want is to do this right. Aren't dad's supposed to be protective of their girls?" That makes me smile again. Harm is the personification of 'protective'. I wouldn't be alive if he wasn't.

I lean over for a kiss and brush my hand down the back of his head, fingering the soft hair there. "I don't think there is reason to worry. Mattie has a good head on her shoulders." With that I change the conversation to other topics.

Before long, Mattie and Jack come down the stairs, laughing and joking and before they can even make it to the bottom of the stairs, Harm is already up and on his way. I sigh. Sometimes he really is dense. I groan at his clumsy attempt to find out what they'd been up to, in between his interruptions, and I suppress a jiggle, when the boy tells him, he invited Mattie to a football game between Arsenal and Chelsea next Saturday.

I walk up to them and encourage Jack on his idea, while Harm still looks skeptical. Good lord, what does he think will happen in a full football stadium? "Of course, sir and ma'am, my parents will take us there." Harm seems to relax at that but tenses up again when Jack suggests we tag along. "We'll think about it." Somehow Harm seems to really think about the offer. "That's no problem, sir. Just let us know in time because of the tickets."

We say our goodbyes and when Jack is out the door, Harm immediately starts to busy himself in the living room, trying to obscure the fact that he is just dying to hear what they were up to. I shake my head. Some things never change.

**Homestadium of Chelsea**

**Stamford Bridge**

**Fulham, London, UK**

**1545 local**

I would have never thought it possible, that I'd go to one of these games. I was especially concerned when Mac decided to come with us. I've become very conscious of crowds ever since we learned about her pregnancy. In large crowds things can happen far more easily, but she just shrugged it off and told me I'm being unreasonable again.

Now here we are and I just don't get why everyone in Europe seems so crazy about it. I'm just not into the sport. Baseball, American Football, even golf… but this? And London alone has what feels like a couple dozen football teams. They give me a headache just keeping them apart. I have to admit though, the stadium is interesting. There is nearly no space between the fans and the field.

We meet Jack's parents near our spots and his father, a tall man with graying hair and wide shoulders grabs my hand in a death gripping shake. "So you a' Mattie's parents, eh? I'm Jack's dad Marc and t'is my wife Amy " A rich British, yet very friendly voice greets us and I have to admit, these people seem decent.

It doesn't slip my conscience that Mattie beams at Jack who beams right back at her. We arrange ourselves in a way so that Jack's father and me sit in between our wives, our kids to the left. Jack is already explaining the rules of the game to Mattie and tells her one or two things about his team.

When Mac decided we all go to this game, she went and got all of us some team shawls, which she insisted we wear to show our alliance with the teams. My bitching about spending money on an item I won't ever wear a second time didn't help and here I am, sporting the blue colors of the home team.

Jack's father explains some of the team traditions to me and tells me he is surprised American's are interested in football at all. Boy is he in for a defense of my country now. I'm so glad I researched this sport and its relations to the US and I make sure to tell him, the US boys won against the English team in the not so distant past. That seems to shut him up at least on that part. I mean, I don't see the point of this sport really, but just because I don't like it doesn't make me uncultivated.

I get a nudge from Mac and a hissed 'play nicely'. Dutifully I try to be interested in the game and hope it will start soon. The sooner it starts, the faster we can go home. Mac and Amy chat across our heads about everything and anything and before we know it, the stadium speaker announces the teams and we are on our merry way to watch the match.

About twenty minutes into the first half, the home team scores a goal and everyone, me included, jumps up to cheer. Shit, this atmosphere is really doing funny things to me. It's hard not to be excited about it. I practically suffer with the players that get fouled and I find myself interested in how they manage to move that ball by their feet only. It doesn't look difficult at all when they do it… though I'm sure I'd break my legs.

The only thing that strikes me odd is that the referee never stops the time. I've been told a half takes forty-five minutes and the clock keeps ticking away, no matter what happens. Only at the end of the half does the referee announce some overtime to compensate the interruptions. It seems a strange way to make up for lost time, but I suppose those are the rules.

Once the match is finished, we got to cheer three times more and we even celebrated the teams win with something they call la-ola. Contrary to what I believed before coming here, I find myself well entertained at the end of the match. Who would have thought? As it turns out, Jack's father and I have some common ground, as he too, used to be an officer in the Royal Navy, having served as a Lieutenant Commander abort a carrier, though as a communications officer, not a pilot. Still it makes for some good conversations about life at sea. Mac has that smirk on her face that lets me know she knew this would happen and I don't know if I should kiss her or be annoyed with her.

When we say our goodbyes in front of the stadium, Jack gives Mattie a gentle peck onto her cheek and she turns a nice shade of red, while Jack's parents invite us over to have a late summer barbeque sometime soon. "Looks like you've made a friend, Harm." Mac gives me that glance again and I roll my eyes. "Harmon Rabb has lived through a football match. Who would have thought?" I feel a nightmare coming up with all the teasing I'm going to be in for.


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**2148**** local**

Harm settles behind me on the couch and puts his hand on the baby. I like it when he does that. Ever since the baby has started moving about a month ago, I can't get his hands on my growing belly often enough. Somehow, it always seems to calm the little one when his or her daddy is here to soothe. Harm isn't all that excited about it, since he never really gets to feel our child. No matter how active it is while Harm isn't making circles on the baby, it would always stop abruptly whenever Harm touches my stomach.

In a way I feel bad for him. I know how he's dying to feel the movement just once. I know he feels kind of left out on the experience. Even Mattie has felt the movement the one time she tried. But as bad as I feel for him, some days I'm glad once we get around to moments like this, because it means I get a little break. And, as if he had pushed a button, there is instant calmness that falls over me and our child like a blanket.

Drawing circles over the extended flesh, Harm speaks to our son or daughter and asks whether or not he or she was a good baby for mummy today. It always makes me smile. Harm took up talking to the baby from almost the first moment on. He would tell stories or even sing lullabies. I asked him once about it and he told me that he was trying to get a response from the child, for which I joked, that his stories are obviously so boring, that the baby falls asleep almost instantly.

A sharp kick into my kidneys makes me wince and Harm stares down at me in wonder. "Is that what I think it was?" I grimace and nod my head. "Your child has obviously decided to say hello." The look in Harm's eyes would be hilarious, had the kick not been so painful.

But Harm wouldn't be Harm, if he weren't instantly concerned. He asks me what he can do to ease the pain and I tell him to keep rubbing circles, hoping I won't get another kick. He gives me a small smile and kisses my temple but resumes his circles.

As much as I love him sitting behind me like this, it gives me another discomfort today, as my lower back starts cramping after only a few minutes and immediately Harm stops his attentions. "Are you sure you're alright?" I roll my eyes at the question. "Harm, I'm pregnant!" I groan at the look he gives me. It's somewhere between 'concerned' and 'tell-me-something-new'. Taking a deep breath, I try to explain it to my husband like I would explain it to a three-year-old.

"Harm, pregnant women do occasionally feel uncomfortable. We experience swollen legs, cramping, morning sickness and all kinds of other things." Now it's his turn to roll his eyes and I put my hand to my back as another cramp starts to set in and strangely enough, this one seems to reach all the way from my back to my lower belly.

Harm moves from behind me and lets me lie down flat on the sofa, which I soon realize doesn't help matters at all. I try to get up and walk around a bit. This used to help whenever I experienced cramping at the office, but after only a couple steps toward the kitchen my legs give out from under me when a heavy cramp hits me.

Harm is there immediately and keeps me upright until he can put me down on a chair, fumbling for his car keys with his free arm. Before I know it, we are on our way to the hospital and even though I try to calm Harm down, I'm glad he took initiative like this, because I really start to fear what these cramps mean. I know he is just as worried and I can already see the tell-tale signs that he hates himself for putting me through this, since I know he feels responsible for it. This is so Harm. I think Harm would take the pregnancy upon himself if he could spare me the trouble.

**Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital  
>Stadium Road<strong>

**London, UK**

**2215**** local**

We finally reach the hospital, but Harm insists on putting me into one of the wheelchairs waiting in the entrance area, rather than let me walk in there on my own. How much more undignified can it get? The receptionist takes one look at me and points us to the elevators that would take us to the gynecologists floor.

During the drive, the cramping has lessened somewhat and somehow I feel silly being here at the hospital at all. What if it is just a ridiculous occasion and a result of the baby moving quite a bit today? They will think I'm a sissy. I complain to Harm about the wheelchair on the way up but he won't have any of it. I tell him I read books on having babies and they all explain some discomfort for the mother during the time she carries a baby.

"Yeah, I've read these books and magazines too. And they all suggested better safe than sorry. We're here anyway, won't hurt to have a doctor take a good look at it." Great…in my mind, gratefulness and annoyance fight for their place and the nurse at the gynecologists floor takes a look at me and asks Harm about our problem, before she points us to an empty examination room.

Within seconds the nurse comes in, closely followed by a young doctor who introduces himself as Dr Johnson and is obviously on duty tonight. They start taking blood pressure and other vitals, asking me about my cramps and I answer dutifully.

Doctors have that awful habit to ask questions and to scribble down stuff on their notepad according to your answer, but they won't ever explain why they ask these stupid questions. Without telling me anything, I'm asked to take off my shirt so Dr Johnson can do a sonogram. He also attaches little pads onto my rounded belly so we can hear the heartbeat of our child.

For a moment, I gasp when I hear the rapid beating of the little one's heart, but the doctor assures me, that this is pretty normal. He readjusts some controls on the machine and frowns for a second, before he squirts the cold gel onto my stomach and starts moving the transducer over my skin, deepening the frown.

I'm not the only one who's recognized the frown and Harm, who has positioned himself at the head of the examining table clasps my hand and squeezes it. Without a warning, Dr Johnson takes out his cordless phone and asks another doctor to join him. I'm really starting to worry now and loose my patience.

"Doctor, would you mind talking to us? You just asked for another doctor and we would like to know why." Harm jumps in and asks why I was experiencing the cramps and the pain, but Johnson holds up his hands in surrender. "Please, only one at a time."

Turning away from us and walking over to a cabinet on the wall, he takes out a syringe and some ampoule, filling the syringe. "I'll give you an injection that will stop the cramping, ma'am. What you experienced earlier is not due to the baby's movements… at least not the kind of movements you usually feel. Your baby moved down into birth position and that's what caused the cramp-like pain."

It takes me a moment to register what he's saying. "Does that mean my wife is in labor, doctor?" Johnson returns to the gurney and prepares me for the injection. "Yes, sir, I'm afraid that's what happened. This injection will still these pre-labor movements and even though we cannot really counter-act the results, you don't have to fear for the baby." At the word 'baby' he glanced at the monitor again that still showed our child and frowned again.

I don't get time to ask about the frown because another doctor, older than Johnson, enters the room. The elder woman greets us with a friendly smile and takes a look at the heartbeats that are recorded on a paper roll. She too frowns and takes another look at the screen, picking up the transducer again and turning toward Harm and me, in the meantime asking for our first names. I like her a lot more than Johnson, even though he didn't really give me reason to dislike him.

"Now, Sarah and Harm, doctor Johnson thought he might have heard something in the baby's heartbeat and I quite agree with him, but I'd like to confirm. It's nothing you need to worry about. The sound of that beat is strong and healthy." A warm hand squeezes mine for a second and she smiles at both Harm and I before she lowers the device and moves it round my belly again.

I turn my head towards the screen to take a look at my child and I can feel Harm squeezing my hand again in silent support. We've been to a number of ultra-sounds already but each time it seems like another miracle that we are indeed going to be parents.

A smile starts to spread on her lips and she stops the picture on the screen, turning it a bit so we can have a better look. "Sometimes nature has a funny habit of keeping her secrets for a while. In your case she kept it almost six months, but Doctor Johnson was right with his assumption." A horrible feeling crawls up my back and I pray to whatever god listens, that she won't tell us our child has a health issue or something. Though that stupid smile wouldn't fit there, would it?

"I can't tell you the sexes of the children, but there are unmistakably two heartbeats and from what I can see, you are expecting two perfectly healthy babies." Excuse me? I look back at Harm who stares wide eyed at the doctors and I know his quizzical look imitates mine perfectly. Did I hear that right? We're going to have twins? As in two babies?

The doctor looks more excited as I feel at the moment, but I suppose her experience has taught her to be understanding to some extend. "I'm sure it's sort of a blow but within time, you'll come to be happy about this." She hits the print button on the machine and then starts to clean me up from the gel.

Still dazed, it only registers slowly with me, that Harm is trying to help me into my shirt again before accepting the picture from the doctor. Dr Johnson had excused himself in the meantime since an emergency demanded his attention and the elder woman guides us both towards the seats in front of the desk again. Her name tag reads 'Michaels' and after making a few entries into my patient folder, she puts aside the paperwork and steeples her hands together.

"Mister and Misses Rabb, I'm sure today's events have brought some unexpected excitement, but I suppose you don't wish to repeat it." She explains the implications of my earlier pains and cramps and asks me, whether the cramping has stopped, which I confirm quickly. "I'm relieved to hear that, because even though we have possibilities to put your children, even at this stage, on the needed life support if they were born now, there would very likely be some damage done that we want to prevent. The longer your babies can stay with you, the greater the chance that they will both make it in good health."

She pauses for a second and turns very serious. I grip Harm's hand again for support and I desperately hope she doesn't mean what her words imply. "I won't lie to you. Pre-labor is serious, especially with twins and this early in your pregnancy." She makes another pause before she inquires about my job and duties. We answer her that my job mostly contains desk-work, but I'm honest enough to admit, that there is some stress involved, as is in any other job.

I expect her to tell me to take it easy from now on, but her words completely throw me off guard. "For the foreseeable future, I would like for you to rest as much as possible. Stress is the one thing you and the babies don't need right now, or it could trigger another round of this. The injection earlier counteracted pre-labor but there is just so much we can do. Now, I don't really want to keep you here at the hospital, but you need to think about yourself and the babies now. I would like for you to stay put on the couch or the bed, whatever you prefer…At least for the time being."

That really makes me swallow hard and a look at Harm tells me, he is just as sober. Insecure blue-grey eyes search mine and another squeeze to my hand tells me, he supports the doctor. The Marine inside me wants to object, to tell them both to shut up, but there is also a good portion sheer adulterated fear at the border of my conscience and I nod glumly, not liking what is ahead of me.

"Don't look so forlorn Misses Rabb. I was told you are a former Marine Lieutenant Colonel… you should enjoy ordering him around." With that she indicates Harm and winks at me. I realize it is her way of making me feel better about it, but I appreciate the sentiment anyway. Her comment even brings a little smile onto my face and Harm gives me the look as if he didn't like being ordered around.

"It's a husband's fate I suppose" he says jokingly and squeezes my hand another time. The doctor seems to have a pretty dry humor though, since she comments on this being the minor chore in pregnancy. It shuts up Harm immediately and I have to hold in a giggle.

I ask her whether or not I'm allowed to work from home if it can be done in a sitting position. She's not entirely happy about it, but she tells me to use good judgment and listen to my body. "The slightest cramps or discomfort that lasts longer than a couple minutes and returns repeatedly, I want you back here ASAP." She gives us both another stern look and her answer sobers me up, holding back the second question of whether or not I might go to the office at all again in a few days.

When Harm presents me with the wheelchair again for the way downstairs I resist and insist on walking by myself. Another look from the doctor makes me take a seat obediently though and Harm gives her a grateful nod goodbye. Great, now he's going to pamper me even more than before… and while the woman and mother inside me might enjoy it, the Marine side fights it every bit of the way. Damn it, I'm not used to sit on my butt, doing nothing.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**0522**** local**

I wake up to a delicious feeling of someone touching me, deliberately waking me up in this fashion. A groan slips out my mouth before I can stop it and even though I don't want it to, my body is reacting to the treatment as if she had pushed a button. Men are so predictable at this.

Mac's hand closes around me and I grit my teeth to keep from moaning again. I know what she wants… what she's wanted for days but I just can't help myself. This is not really the time for this.

I reach down and stop her movements with my own hand, leaning over to kiss her lovingly on the mouth. I deliberately keep it light, no tongue and no touching. When she realizes I'm not going to go for this, she flops on her back and stares at the dark ceiling.

I know I just hurt her… again. How do you explain this to your wife? You are horny as hell and yet you refuse anything that might lead to sex? She must think I'm mental or something.

While I still ponder my next move, she turns her back towards me, moving into a fetal ball position and I could kick myself. I just don't learn my lesson, do I?

Reaching over and spooning around her, I try to talk to her when I find her slightly sobbing. I should have known. Bud warned me, that pregnant women are very, very, very sensitive and I just acted like the elephant in the china shop. "I'm sorry baby." I turn her around so she can cuddle against my chest, but her cheeks are still wet and she is still slightly sobbing.

A muffled and tear strained "Just tell me that you find me disgusting already" makes me take a deep breath. "Sarah, it's not that I find you disgusting. Quite the contrary actually. You are beautiful like this!" She huffs in disagreement and I kiss her temple again to soothe her. "You ARE beautiful. I've always wanted to see you pregnant with my baby and I'm thankful that you and I are going to be parents soon."

I stroke her hair and try to soothe her further until the hiccups stop and looking down I find that her tears have stopped as well. I hope she doesn't bring love-making back up now, but I should only be so lucky. Big brown eyes look at me intently and she asks again, if I find the idea of making love to her now is so awful that I wouldn't even consider it.

I sigh and decide to plunge forward with the truth, telling her, that the idea of love-making is not at all the problem. When she looks quizzically at me I explain that I would love nothing more than to show her how much I love her that way, but that I feel uncomfortable doing so.

My beautiful Marine, for all her intelligence, doesn't get my point, though. "Sarah, it's not that I'm not interested in…" I trail off and fumble with my hand in the air instead, hoping she'd understand. I feel that awful blush again and feel the strong need to kick myself.

Mac is once again relentless in her inquisition and makes me admit, that even though I'm more than ready to make love to her, I can't shake the feeling that our children will be present for the act if we go through with it, and that I don't feel comfortable with that.

Mac's eyebrows first go up on her forehead then she starts a full hearted laughter. "Harmon Rabb, you are so prude!" I AM not prude. And she knows better than that. "Harm I've been pregnant for almost nine months now, and we've made love dozens of times!"

Yeah, but we didn't really since the babies started to move and not at all since we learned we would be having twins. Mac listens to my explanations and starts laughing again. "Hey, this is not so funny. You carry them and have a natural bond with them as a mother should, but I don't have that kind of bond yet and I don't want the first thing they see of me be my…" I trail off again, and make a gesture, indicating what I mean, which earns me another round of chuckles.

"Harm, you talk to them all the time. You even read them bedtime stories if I may remind you of that." Her expression is amused and not angry, which tells me I haven't completely fucked it up yet. I defend myself saying the bedtime stories are g-rated while certain other activities are definitely x-rated. I even recite some article from one of the parents-magazines.

Besides that, I don't think engaging into sexual activities will do her or the children any good. And I'm not willing to jeopardize the health of any of them for some relief in my pants. That argument seems to get through to her and she stills her hand that is again trying to sneak down my abdomen. "You can't imagine how hard it is to deny us both what we want." …Because I do want her, more than anything. After all, we've been celibate for a while and a man can't hide his need very well.

We agree to wait until our children are born for more than what we have now. Seeing my obvious erection, Mac makes another move to offer some pleasure even if it's not shared like we usually do, but I decline the offer. Making love should always be shared, and since I cannot really return the favor to her, I take her hand in mine and kiss each of her knuckles, placing it right over my heart.

I try to lead the conversation away from the obvious and on to baby names. We've had some funny discussions on that already, and even though Mac thought it a good idea at the beginning, I ruled out Harmon III from the start, joking about her telling me once, that one 'Harmon Rabb' in her life was enough already. In the end my alarm goes off and we are no closer to find names for the babies than we were earlier. Mac still sticks to her theory of needing two names of each in case we get two boys or two girls. I wonder how we are supposed to manage four baby names when we don't even agree on two… but well… we've got another couple days yet.

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**1113**** local**

I sigh when Harm leads me into the house and immediately guides me to the sofa. I don't mind it now as much as I did in the beginning. At almost nine months pregnant, with twins no less, I'm glad to get off my feet. Before I can even say anything, Harm presents me with some herbal tea and some of his delicious pancakes from this morning, extra maple syrup on top. I roll my eyes at him, but inwardly I'm beaming. He would never willingly make me such a breakfast if I weren't pregnant. Might as well enjoy it as long as I can.

"Harm, you're hovering!" My voice is somewhere between annoyed and whining but I don't care. "Hey just wanted to make sure my girls and my boy are alright and well set!" Ever since we learned about the twins a couple weeks ago, Harm has been convinced, we're going to have one of each. In fact, he is so convinced, he practically begged me not to ask for the babies genders during our ultra-sound appointments.

When I inquired why he didn't want to know in advance, he just shrugged his shoulders and said it's too late to change these orders anyway, and we'd have to take whatever we got, no matter if we knew in advance or not. Sometimes he is strange. He probably only wants to stick to his theory of a gender mix among our babies for a little longer.

I can't really decide whether I want them to be mixed or two boys OR two girls… In the end Harm is right. We'll just have to take whatever we get and as long as they're healthy, who cares? I picture myself holding a little girl, combing her hair and getting nice little dresses for her. I envision Harm pushing his little girl on a swing, tickling her. She would wrap him around her little finger before she was a week old.

On the other hand, I can't imagine Harm not to have a son. He has so much to give to a boy and I know he's dying for a boy even though he doesn't want to admit it to himself.

"Don't you have to make an appearance at the office?" He sneaks a bite off my pancakes and shrugs, telling me he'd go in a moment. I'm grateful he didn't take the day off again, because he's done that very often recently. Either he took some free time, or he sent Harriet over to dote on me, not to mention Mattie's strict plan for what I'm allowed and what I'm not allowed to do. The latter list is by far longer than the first one and I'm so ready for this to be over. Who would have thought that three months can be that long?

I prop myself up with the latest thriller but before I can settle completely the doorbell goes and seconds later Harriet wanders into the room, one twin on each hip and the diaper bag dangling from an elbow. Mattie takes an infant so Harriet can take off her jacket and I roll my eyes at Harm who grins at me like a Cheshire cat. Sticking out my tongue at him, I accept Harriet's baby girl onto my lap to play with for a while.


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44

**Eastcote D.O.E complex**

**London, UK**

**1639**** local**

I'm in the middle of going through next weeks schedule with Bud, when the intercom buzzes and Coates informs me there's an urgent call for me. I have to admit I'm slightly annoyed, because I told her earlier, that Bud and I are not to be disturbed except for emergencies. "Sir, it's Lieutenant Sims, sir." I groan. Why didn't she say that right away?

I rip off the receiver from the phone and tell her impatiently to put the call through already. What is it with these people? "Harriet? Everything alright?" Harriet sounds slightly out of breath and a little worried, telling me she called an ambulance for Mac a few minutes ago. All blood drains from my face and even holding the receiver still to my ear, I start fumbling for my car keys in my pants.

"Harriet, stay put, I'll be right there!" I make a short calculation in my head and figure any ambulance will be there long before I can and tell Harriet to fuck it, I'll meet them at the hospital.

I slam down the receiver and rush past Bud, not caring what he thinks, running by Coates and telling her to take messages for me. My trembling fingers can't get the key in the lock to open my car and I'm reminding myself of my pilot training. Breathe, think, act, breathe, think, act…Frustration starts to rear its ugly head and only then do I realize I'm not alone. "Sir, give me the keys, I'll drive you to the hospital." I was never more grateful to Bud than right now and my trembling fingers hand over the keys to my Chief of staff without further comment.

While Bud drives us through the city's traffic I curse. I practically hack the speed dial on my cell phone, hoping Harriet hasn't forgotten hers at home. I send a prayer to god when she picks it up at the first ring. "Harm, they are on their way to the hospital now. The paramedics assured me everything was alright. Mac made me promise I advice you to drive carefully and not rush. Everything will go fine, Harm." Why does she suddenly speak to me like I'm a three year old?

I tell her Bud is driving me to the hospital and checking the speedometer I start to regret that decision even though the rational me knows pretty well, that I'm in no condition to command any vehicle at the moment. And of course, of all the times of day, my Marine has to choose rush-hour to go into labor. Perfect…

**Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital  
>Stadium Road<strong>

**London, UK**

**1731**** local**

I curse under my breath when another contraction hits me. The nurse breathes with me and for some reason I just want to smash her face. Who does she think she is? Standing there in her petite nurse's uniform, holding my hand and hackling like a cow. And why the hell have none of the baby magazines ever mentioned it being that painful? And where the fuck is Harm?

The pain slowly ebbs away but the contractions come every three minutes now. The nurse checks her watch and before she can make a comment I tell her two minutes and fifty-five seconds. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut, because I get the obligatory questioning glance and the almost inevitable question about how I do that. I give a weak smile and drink some of the offered water, steeling myself for the next round.

Doctors keep swarming in and out of my room, even the nurse rushes away for a few minutes at a time. The gynecologist has told me this will go on for at least another two to three hours, maybe even more. I could have slammed his face for the stupid grin he sported. I'm sure it's meant to reassure and calm me down, but someone should tell these people, that pregnant women in labor don't appreciate their stupid grins at all.

The nurse, Diana, grips my hand when the next contraction sets in and I tell her to shut her mouth when she starts going on about the pain being worth the sheer happiness after. "And where the hell is the sailor who did this to me? Get him in here so I can have his head." At that moment the door flies open again, and Harm moves in where the nurse has been just a second ago. "I'm here, Sarah. Keep it up, you're doing well."

I'm panting as though I just ran a marathon and Harm accepts the washing cloth from the nurse to dry my forehead a little, trying to make me more comfortable. I appreciate the action especially since he looks all worried. The nurse comes back in and takes a peek under the cloth draped over my lower body. "Everything looks fine, ma'am."

She introduces herself to Harm and takes some notes from the machine hooked up to my belly. Harm climbs in behind me like we practiced in Lamaze, supporting me from behind. His hands go immediately to my belly and I can imagine the wonder on his face at what he feels.

**Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital  
>Stadium Road<strong>

**London, UK**

**1921 local**

I feel like such a jerk watching her go through this. I try to stay brave and not wince when she almost crushes my hand during the contractions, knowing her pain is a lot bigger than mine. Whenever the midwife takes a look at things, she smiles and assures us it will take a while yet and each time my heart sinks a bit more, because I know Mac will have to endure this for a while longer.

I read that first births usually take longer than second or third births, but I can't help thinking, that, since we get two babies, the powers to be should cut us some slack. Of course I know this is ridiculous since it's a miracle we are going to have babies at all. I hate the fact that all I can do is sit here and hold her hand, dab her forehead and talk to her in between the contractions. They come regular as clockwork by now, not even two and a half minutes apart.

I engage Mac in a conversation on baby names again. After all, having that topic settled would come in rather handy, considering we are going to be parents in a few hours. The last time we went to the ultra-sound, the doctor again asked whether we wanted to know the sexes of the babies but we decided against it. I remember Mac chuckling about me only wanting to stick to my theory of a mixed pair for a while longer.

I honestly don't care for the sexes as long as the babies and Mac are healthy. We, or rather I, decorated the nursery at home in pale yellow which is fitting for girls and boys. Mac wanted to help, but I made her stay put on the couch while I painted and put up the cribs. Some things are men's work, though Mac strongly disagreed, claiming the 'nesting' was important for a becoming mother. Thank god Harriet was around at the time and convinced her to go baby shopping online in the meantime. I was never more grateful for a laptop as it meant Mac could stay put on the couch where she belonged in her condition and still be able to feed her nesting urges.

Another contraction hits and my wife again tries to crush my hand, but I don't complain, instead breathing with her through the pain until it ebbs away. We are still no closer to the name problem. I read various combinations from a baby book, but Mac wrinkles her nose at my suggestion of Alexander and David for a boy.

Defending my choice I show her the meanings of the names. "Mac, Alexander means 'great protector' and this says David means 'beloved'!" She takes the book and takes a look herself, and reads over the various names. "Alright, let's say Alexander as a second name for a boy… how about Matthew for a first name? It means 'gift of the Lord' and considering everything I guess that's very appropriate."

I say the name a couple times, trying the combination and don't find any catch in it. "So you wouldn't mind a Matthew Alexander for a son?" I like it already. Matthew for Uncle Matt and Alexander is a very important name… after all Alexander the Great was an important historical character. We don't get much further as the next contraction hits, but Mac gives her consent to the name after the pain ebbs away. "We can call him Matt." I grin down at her and miraculously we both agree on the combination.

Our consultations go on through over two hours. We bargain baby names until a contraction hits and I pant with her, trying to support her through the wave of pain and we both curse the nurses that pass in and out, telling us it will take a little more time still. In the end we settle on 'Victoria Hope' for a girl. It seems very fitting. We 'hoped' for the miracle and when we learned about the pregnancy it felt like a 'victory'.

I dab her forehead again and lean in for a short kiss to her temple. "I'm so very proud of you." And I am. I know millions of women have gone through pregnancies in the past but it doesn't diminish my pride in her any less. It takes a lot of courage to do what she did, throwing away a promising career to enter a shaky at best relationship with an ageing sailor. Not to mention taking medication to have a baby and then ending up with twins.

Being a man is usually simple as long as there aren't any women involved. As soon as that happens we are at a huge disadvantage, especially when they are pregnant. A man can provide all the food cravings, endure all the hormonal breakouts and pamper their girl as best as possible. In Mac's case this was the easiest part of all. She had strange cravings of all sorts of fruits and I had to listen to her rants that these were my children alright as no sane person would want that much healthy food. I usually retorted that she should be grateful my children didn't crave hamburgers as they were a lot harder to work off after the babies are born. The one time we went for a burger she didn't even touch it, claiming it made her nauseous, which made me bite my tongue very hard in order not to laugh.

But what a mother feels when their child moves for the first time… that is something we can only get from hearsay. Of course we don't have to suffer from kicks to our kidneys, nobody steps onto our bladders and we don't have to go through labor. But that is probably the biggest torture of all: watching the woman you love in so much pain and being so helpless about it.

All I can do is sit helplessly behind her while she suffers. It would be so much easier the other way around. At least I wouldn't feel so guilty about it. "What's the matter with you, Navy?" Mac pants heavily once her contraction ebbs away and I inwardly curse, knowing I was caught. "Nothing, I was just thinking." I knew she wouldn't buy that before I said it and I'm not surprised when I get a snide remark in return.

"Don't worry I won't put you through this again!" She doesn't get further as a new contraction hits. I check my watch and realize it is much closer then the last one and obviously a lot stronger too, because Mac suddenly starts calling me all kind of names and then some.

Suddenly, everything moves very fast. The nurse in the room rushes over and hits the beeper for the midwife, winking at us and telling us it's almost time. Within moments both the doctor and the midwife come inside the room and do a sort of last minute check. "Your children are doing fine, ma'am. Not much longer now. On your next contraction I want you to push." The midwife gives me a sweet smile and more or less asks me rhetorically if I'm ready to be a dad… to be quite honest, I'm scared shitless!

If I thought the contractions were bad in silent suffering, I had no idea about the last bit of this. Mac curses under her breath as she pushes with all her power, calling me names and making me promise to never do this to her again. At this point I'm even willing to sacrifice my penis and everything that belongs to it to make the pain go away for her.

Everything suddenly becomes so much lighter when a wail disturbs my concentration on Mac and I realize this is it. I don't even know if our baby is a boy or a girl, but a wave of pure love washes over me and I'm asked to do the only job a man is really good for in all this.

With trembling fingers I cut the chord that connected my child to its mother for almost nine months and all of a sudden a tiny bundle is placed into my waiting arms. "Congratulations Captain, you have a girl." I walk over to Mac who is already straining her head, sitting down next to her gingerly, reminding myself that she will need to go through this again in a few moments. Her arms reach out, and even though I don't want to let my baby girl go yet, I place her into the arms of her mom. "Hello Victoria Hope." Hope gurgles and yawns and we all laugh at the picture.

My girls are such a beautiful sight, I almost forget to breathe. I always thought babies are a miracle, but whoever said this first made the understatement of the millennium. This is perfect. Only we don't get to enjoy it for long as a nurse comes over and takes my baby girl away for her first examination.

**Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital  
>Stadium Road<strong>

**London, UK**

**2305 local**

I give the last good push and even though I'm sore all over I can feel the baby slip into the world and even though I'm as excited and happy as I possibly can be, I don't really share the opinion of all these women in the baby books. I don't feel like I could rip out trees at all. I'm just tired and from the looks of it, so is Harm.

I wait for the start of the wailing, but no sound comes and in my pain induced haze I suddenly realize the rustle of people rushing around the room. "Harm?" He squeezes my hand and walks over to the nurse who carried away my baby and cold fear washes over me, waking me up all of a sudden. I want to get off my bed, but another nurse holds me down, telling me to relax. I can practically feel the seconds go by and still no wail of my child.

Panic starts to come over me and I demand to know what's going on from the nurse, fighting her to get off this damn bed. "What's with my baby?" I cry at her in my best Marine voice and shove off her hand, telling her not to dare and hold me down if she wants to keep it attached to her body. Harm has walked over to the bunch of people who are busying themselves with my baby and even though he tries not to, he shoots me a worried glance. Something is not right, my baby isn't ok.

I try to tear off the IV attached to my arm, but a second nurse comes in and prevents me, shushing me like I'm a fucking baby. Baby… what's wrong with my baby? The seconds tick by and all of a sudden an earth shattering wail goes through the room and I hold my breath.

The hand on my shoulder, holding me down, eases slowly away and a small smile washes over the young man in the nurse's outfit. "It will be alright, ma'am."

I can see Harm quietly debating with the doctor who nods in the end and makes a gesture with his fingers that looks like "watch it!" to Harm. When Harm walks over he has a bundle of gurgling, wailing towel securely wrapped in his arms and I know what he's going to do. "Sarah? Meet Matthew Alexander Rabb." He grins down at me and hands me my son without questioning. Settling in next to me and stroking the tiny fingers with his big ones. "You've done well, Marine!"

Like with Hope, they take my child away from me soon after and Harm explains that they take them over to have them checked out. The tiredness washes over me again and I'm certain the syringe attached to my IV is partially responsible for that. How did it get there in the first place?

**Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital  
>Stadium Road<strong>

**London, UK**

**0321 local**

I watch Mac sleeping while I hold my barely three hours old daughter. She is only a tiny baby but she is already as beautiful as her mom. Matthew is in his crib, slumbering away with the rest of the family and the only one still on adrenaline and unable to sleep is me. They even put in a second bed for me, but I still can't believe that I'm a dad. Nothing can prepare a guy for the onslaught of pride, love and responsibility that comes over you from one moment to the other. Nine months are not nearly long enough to prepare.

I'm glad Mac could fall asleep almost instantly after giving birth. With the scare Matt gave us earlier and everything, she more then needed some rest. I don't know what I would have done had Matthew not started breathing earlier. For a short moment I feared that we would have to endure what Bud and Harriet had to go through… nurturing a baby to his or her birth only to have it die without ever really living. As it was, he was just late and it was the longest couple seconds in my life. I spent an hour in the hospital's chapel earlier, praying my thanks for that.

Hope stirs and starts gurgling in my arm, starting wailing even before she opens her eyes. While Matthew sleeps away like he hasn't got a bother in the world, his sister starts testing her lungs, waking her mommy up.

I reluctantly give my baby girl to her mother who expectantly holds out her hands to take her. Once Mac has wrapped her arms securely around the little one she starts smiling down on her girl. "How's Matthew?" She asks and I explain that he is alright. As if he feels his mom inquiring about him, he gives a short gurgle in his sleep and moves his tiny fingers to insure her, he is doing well.

Mac smiles at Hope who latches onto her mom's breast like a duck takes to water and I realize that my torture isn't about to end anytime soon. They will always have that special bond with their mommy and no matter what; I will only be able to provide the artificial stuff in the bottle.

Mac finds me looking at them intently and scoots slightly forward, inviting me onto the bed and I accept readily, climbing behind her and cuddling her to my chest, helping her support our daughter. "This is so amazing!" Is all I get out in a whisper and I know that Mac has that tender smile on her, that she got when she held Hope for the first time.

Nursing our daughter, Mac asks me if I had any sleep and I deny, telling her I instead made a dozen phone calls to my mom, Mattie, Bud and Harriet and of course Washington. I believe my mother was already sitting on packed bags when I called, since she claimed to be on the next flight over she can find.

When a nurse enters the room we are both startled, especially when she tells us she would take the babies with her so we could get some quiet time. I try pleading with her that neither of us is ready to give away our babies just yet, but the nurse insists. "Enjoy your quiet night as long as you can. Once you take them home, sleep won't come easily."

Left with nothing else to do, I take her into my arms and let her settle into her favorite position. It's strange to feel her like this with the belly between us mostly gone. We don't talk. The last few hours were so overwhelming that I suppose we both need some time to sort things out. I finally feel my eyes drift close and my last thought is with my children, promising them and myself that I will be the father they deserve.


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

**Harm and Mac's home**

**High Meads road**

**Beckton**

**London, UK **

**0837 ****local**

I run downstairs into the living room in search for my car keys, cursing under my breath because I should have been on my way five minutes ago. Finally finding them underneath Garfield on the sofa, I give an earnest glance toward the cat, who at least has the decency to jump off the sofa and trot over to his basket. Well, at least someone listens to what I have to say in this house.

Just as I'm about to leave the room, Harm comes down the stairs, Mattie in his wake. "You sure, you'll be alright?" I know I probably worry for no reason, but leaving my babies behind, if only for a couple hours, is really more difficult than I thought it would be.

Without warning, my husband snaps to attention and executes a quick salute. "Ma'am, Captain Harmon Rabb and Miss Mattie Grace reporting for duty, ma'am. Checklist as follows: diapers at the ready…bottles filled and prepared, only need heating…extra pacifiers in the kitchen… all phone numbers memorized." Mattie interrupts with a quick 'check' after every item Harm mentions and I roll my eyes at both of them. Harm will never grow up.

The flyboy grin firmly in place, Harm hugs me and gives me a kiss. "Everything will go smoothly and before you know it, you'll be back home!" Well, at least one of us is confident. I only ever gave one lesson at Annapolis and I don't exactly have the fondest memories about it, though the reason for that had more to do with the topic I was teaching than the lesson itself. "I hope I will remember my name once I step up to that podium."

Harm takes my hand and walks me to my car, reminding me of my training in how to speak in front of an audience. It's funny really, considering I did it as a lawyer for years. But this is different. This will be an entire crowd of law students listening to every word I have to say about international law.

I climb into my convertible and drive off. It's the first time I leave the house without the babies. Being honest with myself, I'm even a bit sad that they tell me they can manage without me for a little while, especially since Matt has been fussy all day yesterday.

But much as I love being a mother, I need something else to keep me busy at times and when Ambassador Witherspoon suggested I teach a class at international law at one of London's most renowned Universities, I readily accepted. It was our agreement that I would stay at home with my children for the time being, doing some work from my home office for the embassy and teaching for 90 minutes each week at the Institute of Advanced Legal Studies at the University of London.

I think about Harm on my drive and I can't help but grin. He really meant it when he said that he would want to be a hands-on daddy. Sometimes, miraculously enough, he wakes even before me when Hope or Matt cry at night and is out of bed with one of our little ones on his arm a second later. My grin becomes an outright laugh when I remember Harm changing Matthew a couple weeks ago, not remembering that you always keep a boy covered if you don't want extra showering. Mattie snickered at him for days afterward and I had a hard time keeping a straight face.

**Epilogue**

**Harm and Mac's new home**

**Dauphine drive 3318**

**Falls Church, VA**

**1634 local**

Five years. I can't believe how fast time can run once you have children. I watch Harm pushing Hope on the swing so it wouldn't slow down too much, while he tries to put protectors on Matt. When I suggested help earlier, he turned it down, claiming that the Navy had everything under control. I almost laugh when Hope starts complaining about the lack of pushing while Matt makes it known that he is slowly getting impatient.

When his blue-grey eyes find me on the porch, he silently asks for my assistance, not for his rescue of course, but I just grin back and tell him he's doing well… which isn't exactly true, but I enjoy the show anyway.

Finally finished with putting the roller blade gear on Matt, I almost laugh at Harm's attempt to get onto his feet with his own set. Old men shouldn't learn inline-skating anymore, though he has gotten a lot better since Mattie came home for summer vacations.

When she joins me on the porch with a bowl of yoghurt and fresh raspberries she immediately starts laughing at the picture presenting itself. "He'll never give up trying, will he?" I don't answer since we both know what it would be. Harmon Rabb will forever stay a child deep at heart. It's what makes him such a wonderful father and got him so far in his military career. It's a childlike curiosity mixed with an unbelievable determination. I can see similar things in Mattie and of course Hope and Matt.

Harm and I once planned for a boy with my looks and his brains or a girl with his looks and my brains. As it is, we managed to get a pretty good mix I suppose. Matt is nothing short of the perfect image of his father. How three generations of Rabbs can look so very much alike is beyond me though. I can also see a lot of Harm in Matt. In comparison to his sister, Matt doesn't like his room in chaos and feels very protective of his sister, not at all bothered by the fact, that he is de facto her little brother as she came first. Maybe that's Harm's flyboy ego rubbing off on our son.

Now with Hope, she leans definitely towards my side, with my brown eyes and her ability to turn the tidiest place into a wreck within minutes of her arrival. She had her daddy wrapped around her little finger the moment she was born though and she learned from experience, that daddy has a very hard time saying 'no' to her. I laugh when Harm pushes the swing lightly when he passes by with Matt holding his hand. Mattie makes a comment about the fact that it isn't exactly clear who is holding whom on their legs and I snort.

Things like these make me grateful for the fact that I insisted on helmets for everyone on roller blades. I'm still surprised Harm accepted these conditions for his newest adventure in mastering a teenage sport. Experience with my husband taught me that he won't ever stop trying until he has mastered it to his satisfaction and so we will endure many more of these roller blade lessons in the future.

"One should think a two-star Admiral doesn't try his luck on in-liners." Mattie comments in between two spoons of yoghurt and I sigh. "I'm just grateful he hasn't started teaching them how to fly yet… I suppose I still have a couple years before I need to worry about that", though Harm has taken both of them up already, strapped in front of him in the tiny cockpit.

I turn around and start engaging Mattie into some girl talk. She tells me about her studies at Pennsylvania State and how she's not really getting along with her roommate. It's remarkable what the girl managed so far though. Five years ago, we didn't even really know if she would get through her accident alive and had lots of problems at school. A few years later she finished top of her grade in London and got a scholarship for one of the best aerospace-programs at universities in the United States.

For Harm it was a nightmare to see her go back to the US alone and I think the fact that he missed his big girl was one of the reasons he finally agreed to SECNAV's bidding and accepted the position of Judge Advocate General in Washington. It took some serious convincing though, both from me and AJ to make him take this step. We somehow end up at the most recent change in our family's life and Mattie requests juicy information on why everything suddenly happened so quickly.

I personally think they couldn't have found anybody more suitable and Harm cleaned out headquarters well after Cresswell was forced to retire a few months ago, though Harm did a great job defending the man. SECNAV personally told me, that President Obama himself requested the officer bold, courageous and determined enough to defend a commanding officer who had not really done anything wrong, yet was center of a dirty game played by several among his staff. It still feels good to know Harm nailed Turner's ass on the wall. I'll never get that man, but that's another story.

"I was told the President was deeply impressed by Harm's tireless attempt at uncovering the truth, even though it could have been detrimental to his own client's case. Cresswell's retirement wasn't voluntary, but at least he got to keep his face." I was there when Harm had to appear in front of the committee that would finally approve him for his new position and I had to hide a grin, when he was asked what he cared most about in his job. I knew what would come before he even opened his mouth. Nine years of investigating with him and opposing him in the courtroom have taught me, that Harmon Rabb will never settle for anything less than the truth. He gave up his opportunity to judge another case because he didn't trust the lawyers to come up with the things that really happened…

I tell her about Vukovic's attempt to charm his way into Harm's good graces even during Cresswell's trial and how my husband made it clear to the young Lieutenant Commander, that he was not welcomed in his command in London. At the time Vucovic didn't know that Harm's command would change so fast and that he himself would be reassigned to a carrier as legal advice in a war zone. I have to admit that he had a good reputation for that. But he lacked the qualities that made a good trial lawyer when he was first assigned to me and he still does.

"Wow. So Harm really got into the big circles, huh?" God I wish that wasn't true. I never knew how many functions Admiral Chegwidden had to attend during his time as JAG. I've been to more balls and function dinners in the last couple weeks then I ever was during my first time in Washington. "Well, he has a lot of responsibility and you know Harm…" She nods knowingly and darts her eyes over to my still struggling husband and Matt. Hope has given up on asking for him to push her though and has instead conquered the sandbox Harm built for them as one of the first things when we moved to our new house.

I chose Harm to be the father of my children the day he made that fateful comment on the front steps of JAG ops and watching my children, I'm reminded every day, that waiting for him to come around and trying to work out my issues with him, was the best thing I ever did. Between Mattie, Hope and Matthew I have three wonderful children, a career that I love even though it's not in the military directly and Harm makes sure I never run out of comfortable shoes. What more could a Marine want?

**Harm and Mac's new home**

**Dauphine drive 3318**

**Falls Church, VA**

**1909 local**

It's great to be back. I always said my home is where Mac and my children are and even though that hasn't changed, Washington is where I belong, hard as it is to accept for a California guy.

I put a sausage on Matt's plate and watch proudly as my son carries it carefully toward the children's table we set up for all the kids. I grin at Bud when young AJ orders his siblings and the other kids to their seats. "He'll make one hell of an officer, Bud." I get a big cheesy smile from my chief of staff before he indicates our young charges with his half empty beer bottle. "Right now sir, he's more interested in becoming a firefighter… or an astronaut… " He trails off when I snort at the 'astronaut' comment. "It will probably change next week again… they are going to visit the Children's National Medical Center with school next week." Bud shudders, probably at the thought of his eldest son turning into a doctor… I pat his shoulder and turn back to flipping the burgers on the grill.

The kids are already happily munching away at their sausages, when Admiral Chegwidden walks up to us, greeting us with his firm handshake. "Good evening, sir." I greet him with a force of habit and he just grins at me. "No more sir, Harm. We're even rank now." That we are. I thank him again for putting my head between my ears that day I drove over to his place and asked for his advice. "I always said you'd have that chair one day…and obviously you haven't screwed up enough not to get it." His voice is the usual gruff, but he smiles and then walks over to greet Mac and Harriet.

Bud and me turn back to our burgers and I realize how much we have become alike. Bud Roberts has been one of my best friends for fifteen years now and despite our difference in age and rank, that friendship never really suffered. No matter how much I disappointed this man, he always stuck around. "You know Bud, I couldn't have done any of this without you." And that's a scary fact. I couldn't have done anything without Mac either, but this is different. Bud Roberts stood by me at my wedding, accepted responsibility as a godfather to both my children, gave me more advice on married life than anybody should need… and most of all, he postponed his retirement and the beginning of his private practice to stand by my side once more, dismantling the whole JAG office in Falls Church and reassignedof almost all officers that had served under Cresswell's command.

Once all of us gather around to watch the fireworks of this 4th of July, I let my eyes travel over everyone. There is the Admiral with his girlfriend Susan, a librarian from the congressional library, there's Coates with her husband Jack and their little daughter Mary, the Roberts' and retired Gunny Galindez, there is Mattie with her boyfriend … and of course my beautiful wife and our precious kids. I pick up Hope and Mac takes Matt onto her shoulders so they get a better view. I almost forgot that the twins have never seen a 4th of July in the States and the awe on both their faces is more than enough praise. For all the pain and heartache Mac and me suffered for years… all this was worth it, if it was what it took to get to this point. Somehow this makes me think of something my grandmother used to say when I was a child. Everything will be good in the end. If it's not good, it's not the end.

**The end**


End file.
